Mess You Made

Alex—

“Why did Jack eject physical violence on you?”

“May we just say he punched me in the face?” I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest bitterly. “Just because you’re a shrink doesn’t mean you have to use fancy-ass terms on me. I’d like to think you aren’t a therapist but a person I just vent to.”

Dr. Hearne nods. “Fine. Why did Jack punch you in the face?”

I look away, self-consciously bringing up a hand and lightly touching my bruised nose. It was still sensitive, but I refused to wear a bandage over it. I wanted Jack to always feel guilty for punching his best fucking friend in the face. “We were in the studio,” I begin, rubbing my hands together nervously. Dr. Hearne gives me a look to continue. “I was writing in my notebook, as usual, then he came up behind me and looked at what I was writing.”

“What were you writing?” Dr. Hearne immediately voices, writing a little note on his pad. I grind my teeth. Does he have to note on everything I say?

“I was writing a note to her,” I murmur, looking down. “Just to get everything out, ya know?”

My therapist nods, bringing up a hand to push his glasses back up his nose. “What did the letter say, if I may ask?” He cocks his head to the side. He was a kind doctor, but it was days like this that made me want to punch him. Fuck Keith for making me go see a shrink. At least Jack had to as well.

“You may ask,” I allow, breathing deeply. I reach into my back pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper. “It’s a bit short, but only because I ran out of words.”

Dr. Hearne nods for me to read.

“Dear Sadie,” I start, feeling my heart pound by just saying her name. Shit, I won’t be able to get through this letter without bursting into a lake of tears. “It’s been too long since I got to see you. Since I got to touch you. Since I got to hear the sound of your voice. I haven’t been able to just smile at the tinkle of your laughter because you are so far out of my reach. It feels like a part of me is missing.”

I had to stop. My voice cracked on the last word and a tear falls before I can stop it. I squeeze my lids shut, as if willing the tears away, before exhaling shakily. I open my eyes again and look back at the letter.

“I miss you more than you could imagine. I miss you more than Harry Potter missed his parents. I miss you more than Anakin missed Padme. I miss you more than…more than Bill misses Sookie. It’s like that pain I feel thinking about you is the only thing I have to left remember you by. Like you didn’t even exist.”

My throat made me pause as a sob falls from my lips, my chest shaking as I curl my chin into my collarbone. I break into a full on meltdown and pull my knees to my chest, crushing the letter in my hands.

“Is that all?” Dr. Hearne asks quietly after a good two minutes of only my tears.

I nod, my breathing labored as I look over at him from behind my knees. “I couldn’t…I couldn’t even finish. I had stopped there, out of the words to say to her, when I discovered Jack reading over my shoulder. He flipped the fuck out and just tackled me out of the chair. He punched me once we were on the floor.”

Dr. Hearne gives a heavy sigh, wiping at his forehead like this job was the toughest job in the world. “Alex…I think what you need is—”

“Sadie.”

“I was gonna say a vacation, but I guess we can start with that,” he finished, allowing me my moment of weakness. “When was the last time you saw her?” I give him an incredulous look, uncurling my knees from my stomach.

“You asked me that five months ago, doc,” I mutter, folding the note up and putting it back in my pocket. “We’ve been over this.”

“Answer the question, Alex.”

“A few hours after the rehearsal dinner,” I recite, blowing out a breath. God, it’s like a fucking monologue I’ve memorized now. “I went over to her house to talk to her. We went to bed a few minutes later. When I woke up she was gone.” I could feel that stinging deep inside me, remembering the empty house and my lonely figure. “All that was left were the letters she wrote Jack and I.” Suddenly, I give a hysterical, harsh laugh. “Do you want to know what my letter said?”

Even though I’d been in therapy for more than five months now, I had yet to read the letter Sadie wrote me to anyone. Dr. Hearne never asked for it, but I knew it was time I got it off my chest.

“What did it say?” he asks routinely.

I tangle my fingers in my hair and pull. God, she drove me crazy. “She told me to forget about it,” I mutter, looking down at the ugly shagged carpeting under my feet. I didn’t even have to look at the letter. I had each word memorized perfectly. Each words that were the last words she had said to me. “She told me that she thought she was meant to be alone.”

Dr. Hearne stayed silent. For the first time since I started visiting him.

“She doesn’t deserve that, Doc,” I mumble, looking up at him. I rub my hands together nervously. “She deserves to be happy. Just because she made a mistake doesn’t mean she has to live it down for the rest of her life.”

I hear him give a small sigh.

“She said that…that we were never meant to be together,” I continue, my top teeth digging into my bottom lip until I felt a prick as I broke the skin. “I haven’t been able to even close my eyes without hearing those words. How is that supposed to make me feel? I love her and she thinks we shouldn’t be together.”

There was another mute moment, the sounds of Dr. Hearne’s receptionist answering phone calls outside of his office door and the air conditioning flooding above us. Finally, he clears his throat.

“Have you tried to contact her since she left?”

I hesitate, before nodding my head. “I obviously called her the moment I discovered she was gone. But she didn’t answer. She, uhm, she disconnected her phone. I’ve asked everyone I know if she had contacted them, but they all said no. She hasn’t even talked to her parents for fuck’s sake.”

“Language, Alex.”

“How can you expect me to control myself?” I growl, standing up heatedly. “What would you do if your wife was ripped away from you without anything but a bunch of words that are absolutely meaningless?”

At this, Dr. Hearne looks down at his left hand and twists his wedding ring around. He looked guilty for a moment before looking back up at me.

“Fine. I understand what you’re saying,” he says quietly. “But you are never going to be able to move on from this if you stay stuck in the past. You love her, yes?” I stay silent, just giving him a blank look. “You love Sadie, don’t you?” he repeats, giving me a pointed gaze, telling me to answer.

“Yes,” I say, my voice hoarse.

“Then, if she wants it, you have to let her go.”

I immediately snap my gaze over to his. “What if I’m not ready to do that?” I cry, gripping onto the back of the couch where I had been previously sitting. “Tomorrow it will be one year since she left me. What am I supposed to do? Pretend it didn’t happen?”

“If that’s what’s best—“

“Bullshit,” I mutter, grabbing my jacket from where I had flung it across the cushions. “It’s been almost an hour. I’ll see you next week.”

Then I storm out the door, ignoring his patient voice calling my name to come back.



A few hours later, I was back in the studio. This past year, the band had mainly focused on writing. We’d been on a couple tours and all had been great and we met amazing people, but it was obvious even to the fans that half of the band didn’t have our hearts in it. Even Jack, who swore to anybody that asked that he was over it. But I was his best friend and he was mine. We both were hurting and we were hurting over the same thing.

Jack was absent, meaning he was being a piss-queen and refused to come in due to being tired or feeling sick. Which was fine, because if I saw that fucker I’d be punching him back in a heartbeat.

“Hey,” I say as I walk in, seeing Rian, Cassadee, Zack, and Kate sitting around.

Mike was at the board, playing around with a small guitar part, but he turns around upon hearing me enter. “How did the session go?” he asks as I plop into another rolling chair at a desk, my notebook slapping against the wood. I just give him a look, which he returns with his own glare. “Just a question, Lex.”

“It was fine,” I mutter. “Where’s Jack?”

“With his mom,” Rian answers, and I look back to see him grinning down at Cassadee’s left hand. The fact that they are engaged makes me sick to my stomach, ‘cause it just reminds me of when I was engaged. Especially what happened during that time.

“Hm,” I murmur. “How’s the newly engaged couple?”

It was obvious there was a bitter undertone to my voice. Everyone noticed. “Well,” Zack stands, putting out a hand for Kate. “We’re going to get food.”

I roll my eyes as the couple hurries out. Cassadee sighs over at me. “Alex, can you at least just talk things over with Jack? It’s getting ridiculous now,” she says. I hated Cassadee. That look she gives me always made me weak and I just had to say yes to her. “We’re all miserable, and this isn’t the time to be. The record is almost finished and we have a wedding soon.”

“Weddings,” I mutter, hearing the edge in my tone. “Gotta love ‘em.”

“Stop being a sarcastic fuck,” Rian groans. “What if we told you—"

He was cut off as Cassadee jabs him in the ribs with her elbow. He yelps in surprise and rubs at the sore spot on his side. Cass looks back over with an innocent expression on her face. I narrow my eyes.

“What if you told me what?” I ask, suspicion clear in my eyes.

“Nothing,” Cassadee smooths it over. “Just, think about it, okay? You and Jack used to inseparable and now look at where you guys are. A girl isn't worth breaking the band up over. I mean, we all love Sadie, but you need to move on.”