Mess You Made

Alex—

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

I hesitate, licking over my dry lips. I was wearing the headphones; my face was poised in front of the microphone. Could I do this? I’ve prepared, I’ve re-read the music hundreds of times. But the feeling in my chest was telling me otherwise.

Finally, I exhale, feeling the breath pass my lips. I could see everyone, even Jack, sitting behind Mike who was at the board. “Yeah. I think so.”

I was suddenly glad no one could bother me in the singing booth.

I hear the instruments start in my ears. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I look down at my page where I’d written the lyrics to the music, grabbing the side of the stand until my knuckles turned white. I felt like my heart was about to fly out of my chest. I needed to get this over with.

I open my mouth and start to sing.

Thanks to you, I’m moving on,
chasing out my skeletons and the troubles they have caused.
And all thanks to you, I’m turning over
the pages in this book of revelations about self-medication.

But there’s this ringing in my head,
(who said it was gonna be easy?)
as the ghost of you hangs over my bed.

I felt like someone was tearing open my chest and rearranging my insides. I knew my voice was about to break. I try to take in as much oxygen as possible.

Thanks to you, I’m not myself,
I’m all strung out, that much is clear.
And I’ll spend my,
whole life-time with your life-line wrapped around my throat.
Thanks to you, all thanks to you.

My eyes open as I look into the main studio. Mike was looking at me with a focused face, like he was analyzing my voice. Jack was sitting there with an emotionless expression. Zack was playing the bass line along with me. Rian was sitting on the couch and Cassadee was getting to her feet with her phone pressed to her ear.

Thanks to you, I’ve lost my touch.
I struggle to find sense in making sense,
and giving a semblance of a fuck.
And thanks to you, for all the nightmares,
There’s not a night that I sleep quiet and complacent without my medication.

‘Cause there’s this ringing in my head,
(who said this was gonna be easy?)
as the ghost of you hangs over my bed.

My eyes trail over to Cassadee. She was talking on the phone with whoever it was, a smile on her face. After a few moments, she starts jumping up and down excitedly.

What?

As I sing the chorus, I let my eyes slip over to Jack. He was watching me, his jaw clenched. We both knew who this song was about and I could just feel my confident(-ish) stature sliding away.

Thanks to you, all thanks to you.

The song ends and I feel like I could throw up. My stomach was bubbling and my legs felt like jelly. I throw the headphones off.

After a few quiet seconds, Mike presses the button and leans forward to speak. His voice fills the four walls of the singing booth. “Great job, Alex,” he says. “We might have to go back later and record vocals again, just to warn you. Take a break.” He moves back, still holding that impassive face.

I nod and move out of the singing booth.

Cassadee had now moved out of the room and I give Rian a questioning look. He hesitates before answering. “It’s an important call.”

My head just nods again as I take a seat in a chair across from Jack. He was looking down at his lap, twiddling his fingers back and forth. Zack looks between the two of us. “Hey!” he claps his hands, getting to his feet. “How ‘bout we go get something to eat! I’m starving.”

He taps Mike’s shoulder and gestures his head out the door to Rian. Both stand up eagerly and move out of the studio. Zack gives me and Jack a pointed look before shutting the door behind him.

I clear my throat.

“What?” Jack asks, a bitter edge to his intonation. I wince, looking away. “There’s nothing you can say to make this better.”

“I’m sorry.”

He freezes, squeezing his eyes shut. “You’ve already apologized, Alex. What do you want me to say? That your lame proclamation will make everything better? That I forgive you for fucking sleeping with my girlfriend?” There was a fire in his eyes that scared the holy living shit out of me.

“Jack, please,” I beg, shaking my head as I lean forward. “Why are we still holding this grudge? It’s been a fucking year! We need to stop!”

“I can’t!”

“Yes you can you fucking prick!” I growl, standing. “God damnit! Why can’t you just forgive and forget? I know you hate me for what I did, but I hate me too, Jack! I can’t live with the fact that I not only hurt my fiancée, but I hurt you! You’re my best friend and we are going to have to meet somewhere in the middle because not only are you miserable, but we are making everyone around us miserable too. So fucking pull yourself together and learn to let it go or you’re never going to get over it.”

There was a thick silence, full of unease and tension. The look on Jack’s face could kill and I felt like I was about to melt into a puddle of mud right where I was.

Finally, he releases a loud breath. “I understand that we are not making anything better by fighting all the time. Especially since I punched you in the face. But you have to understand my point of view when it comes to what happened.”

“I understand your point of view,” I mutter. “You don’t think I do?”

“You obviously don’t if you aren’t taking this seriously!” he shouts back, standing up as well. I felt like we were now nose-to-nose. “You fucking had an affair with Sadie.” I haven’t heard Jack say her name in an entire year. “Do you not understand that every time I see you I want to do more than punch you in the fucking face?”

I inhale deeply. “Jack, I don’t want to argue anymore. She isn’t coming back. Why should we still be like this if she’s out of our lives?”

“Because you betrayed me.”

I shake my head. “Fine. Be juvenile about this. I don’t give a fuck. All I know is that just because I had feelings for her, I never felt guiltier in my entire life. I loved Sadie. I did. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what I was doing to you.”

His entire face was rigid. “I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

My shoulders slump. “What?”

And, for the second time in one week, he reaches out and punches me. Luckily, I saw it coming, so I was able to move back about half-a-step, so his right hook collided with my cheek. I knock backwards and the door is opening in two seconds.

“Jack!” Cassadee screeches. “What the fuck?”

Said boy was about to attack me again, but Zack was rushing over and holding him back. I sit up, grabbing my face and wincing.

I have now been punched in the face by my best friend twice.

I have hit rock bottom.