Mess You Made

Alex—

"Sorry for running out an ya, doc."

"It's all right."

"No, it's not," I return, breathing out deeply as I sit down on my usual couch in his brown-walled office. "You were only trying to help and I was acting like a little bitch. I'm a fucking depressed asshole and I genuinely apologize for yelling at you."

"Language, Alex," Dr. Hearne says with a wisp of a smile.

I crack a tiny one too before burrowing deep into the couch's back cushions. I let out a long exhale as I glance up at the ceiling, remembering that during my first appointment I hadn't said a word; just counted the bumps on his plaster. That seemed like five years ago. When it was only five months. "Jack punched me again."

Dr. Hearne gives a small sigh. "Again?" he repeats.

"Again."

My therapist takes a moment to gather his thoughts, shaking his head down at his notepad. I chuckle when I realize it looks like he scolding his yellow paper. "Alex, that isn't improving your relationship with Jack."

"I know," I reply, picking my head up off the cushions. "I...I recorded a song a couple days ago about...about her." I damn myself for still being unable to say her name.

Dr. Hearne's brows raise. "Great! That's progress!"

I nod, blowing out a breath as I cross my arms over my chest. Almost like I was shielding the doctor from seeing the large hole that I felt was imprinted in my heart. "I...I wrote it a few months ago. It's called, uhm, Thanks To You. Jack didn't appreciate it very much. After I finished recording it, I tried to reason with him and that's...that's when he punched me for the second time."

He looks at me, his face blank. I try to meet his gaze with a sterile look as well. I was unsuccessful. "Fine. I said that I loved her in front of him and he...didn't appreciate it."

Dr. Hearne's head falls back in exasperation. "That wasn't a very good idea, Alex."

I give a small smirk, just the hint of my old sarcasm playing on my lips, before I felt it fall away again. I felt like not only had she taken away everything that was good in my life when she left, but she took away me. The essence of Alex Gaskarth was stolen the day she walked out and all that was left was this empty shell of a broken boy. You could this nut in that bolt as many times as you wanted but, until she returned, until I saw her face, you couldn't even begin to fix me.

"I know it wasn't a very good idea," I agree, my voice an octave softer after the revelation I just had passed out of my head. "He can punch me as many times as he want but he can no sooner beat the love I have for her out of me than I can punch the ignoramus out of him."

"Isn't that half a quote from something?"

"Who gives a shit? It fits this situation."

Doc smiles and it made me smile, kind of, knowing I had gotten him to lighten up. He shifts a bit in his chair. "Alex, I'd like to go through some what-if scenarios. Are you okay with that?"

I felt my chest tighten. I knew what was coming. "If you really want us to."

"Do you want us to?"

My eyes slip closed, the ceiling above me going black, as I take a deep breath, feeling the air flow in all the way to the bottom of my lungs. I held the oxygen in until it was unbearable, then released it. "Yes," I reply after my light-headed-ness went away. "I want us to."

"Good," Doc clears his throat. My eyes kept closed. "Are you ready?"

I give some sort of noise that let him know he could continue.

"All right," Dr. Hearne flourishes, writing out a single word on his paper. I didn't care to know what it was. "We're gonna start slow. What if you had never met Jack?"

I let my head roll to the side, my eyes connecting with Doc's in an expression I knew made it seem like it looked like he had two heads.

"Just answer the question, Alex."

I blow out another large breath, closing my eyes and returning my head to it's original position. "If I hadn't met Jack, the band wouldn't be formed. My life would be a hell of a lot different. So different that I can't even explain what I would be doing. Probably nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Hm, good, good." A pause. "What if you hadn't met Sadie?"

Over the past year I had asked myself this a number of times. It was a constant ringing in my head, an annoying fly you can't seem to get to bugger off. A fucking mosquito that won't quit biting you no matter how many times you slap your arm. It was a question that flew through my head at least twice a day: once when I wake up and once when I go to sleep. It's an itch that I can't seem to scratch. It's always there.

"If I hadn't met Sadie," I say, my throat closing up a bit just at the mere idea of this, "my life would be miserable." And I knew this was true. "I would have married Rein and been stuck in a dead-end relationship that I am certainly glad to be rid of." That was the truth as well. "I would be a completely different person. Sadie opened my eyes to a lot of things."

"Interesting," he hums. I hear him scratch something down on his notepad. "That leads me into my next one. What if you had married Rein?"

A shiver runs a course down my spine.

"I would be despondent," I respond flatly. "Plain and simple. I didn't realize how unhappy I was in my relationship with Rein. I feel like the only reason I got out of it was because of Sadie. Not just because I developed feelings for her, but because she showed me how I should be treated by my girlfriend and it wasn't what Rein was treating me like. We were like two negative magnets, Rein and I. We didn't match. If I had married Rein, my life would be a mess. I thank God all the time for getting me out of such a terrible engagement."

Doc hums again. "Take your time with this one if you have to." Shit. "What if Sadie hadn't walked out on you? What if she had stayed?"

At that, my throat completely closed and I felt tears burn the back of my eyes.

I always felt ashamed to cry in front of Dr. Hearne. But at the same time, I was oddly okay with it. He didn't judge me, nor pity me. He just let me cry. He let me release everything I could without saying or word or try to lay a comforting hand. He just allowed me to have a good breakdown.

"Uhm, I..."

"Take your time, Alex."

At these words, I close my eyes again. I let all swarming thoughts escape my mind as I breathe in and out through my nose. I felt lightheaded again but this time I knew it was because I was thinking over the biggest question in my life: What if Sadie had stayed with me?

"I would be happy," I murmur. I was so quiet that Doc had to lean forward to hear me better. "I would be on cloud nine. The idea of me being with her, cherishing her, calling her mine..." A shudder goes down my back. But this one was a good, cheerful shudder. "It makes me ache just to see her face, Doc. I love her. I love her so much it hurts. I would be the luckiest man in the universe."

"What do you think you'd be doing right now if she had stayed?"

My brows crinkle as I look over at Doc. "That isn't a what-if."

"I don't care. Answer the question."

I roll my eyes but shut my lids again, letting my mouth take over before I could think. "I would be coming home from the studio. I would like to think that by now Sadie and I were sharing a house. I would walk in and smell her cooking, or hear the TV since she isn't much of a chef. I would shoo off the dogs and go over to her on the couch and we would just enjoy the other's company for the time being. We would just be together." A lump forms above my collarbone. I couldn't swallow it down. "Just like I've always wanted for us."

When there was no response, I look over at Doc. He was looking at me with a grave look on his face. It was the first time I'd ever truly rendered him speechless.

Finally, he speaks. And he asks me one, very simple question.

"Do you love her?"

I didn't even have to think. It was a reflex, a muscle memory that would forever be.

"Of course. With all my heart."