Let It Burn

It's lovely out today, isn't it?

(yeah it is lovely we should take a walk)

I picked up my black gloves. One from the dresser and the other from the closet.

(now who put that there i wonder)

I had a black long-sleeved shirt on and dark

(too dark in here isn't it shannon right shannon can you turn on the lights or set something on fire)

jeans on. I still had some eyeliner on from yesterday when I went to the movies with Tomo.

(haha you mean when shannon asked tomo to take you to the movies cause he had a hot date haha)

My hair was a little stringy, but I didn't mind too much. I forced my fingers through it, roughing it up. I licked my dry lips.

I tiptoed downstairs, peering around corners to check if the coast was clear. I licked my lips again and walked quickly to the door. I turned the door knob, but the door didn't open. I frowned, noticing that Shannon had locked it. It squeaked and clicked as I turned it.

(squeak click BAM)

"I thought I heard footsteps," Shannon's deep voice said suddenly. I clicked my teeth, turning around to face him. He had peered his head around the corner from the kitchen, only showing his head and upper body.

(like in that cartoon what's it called something about an invader and zib zap zum it's a funny show)

"Going somewhere?" I licked my lips again.

"Yeah, I'm gonna take a walk." Shannon raised his eyebrows.

"Oh yeah? Where are your shoes?" I furrowed my eyebrows, frowning.

"I'm wearing-" I looked down. "Oh, those are socks, aren't they?" My long black and white striped socks with holes in the heels. Shannon nodded pointedly.

"Yeah, they most certainly are. Why don't you come in here with me? I've got a pot of coffee going." I shrugged.

"No, I'm gonna take a walk." Shannon sighed.

"You do realize that it's snowing outside, right, Jare?" I waved a hand dismissively, opening the door.

"I can handle a little snow." The screen door revealed a whirling blizzard outside. There was about a foot of snow

(it snows too much in New York i miss Louisiana with the hurricanes and the culture and the heat)

covering the lawn. It was beautiful and the snow sparkled and flew in a mist as the wind blew strong.

"Oh, I guess I didn't notice."

(you don't notice things anymore you only see what you want to see isn't that right shannon)

"Yeah. Well, come on in here. The coffee's almost ready. You can probably take a walk tomorrow. I think the storm warning will be gone by the end of the night." Shannon stuck his head back into the kitchen like one of those chipmunks or squirrels or something from Africa.

"I don't know," I mumbled to myself, noticing my boots next to the coat rack. I licked my lips. "I just need some air, you know?" I asked no one.

(just can't breathe in here with all the furniture and the people and the voices won't go away)

I slipped my feet into the black boots, not bothering to tie them up. They would just end up falling off anyway. The scent of coffee finally hit my nose. It made me feel sort of nostalgic.

(where did mom go she went to the store or something didn't she huh i wonder when she'll be back)

I opened the screen door and headed out into the raging

(wildfire burning down the forest LET IT BURN)

storm. I think Shannon had been talking to me, but it was mostly incoherent babbling.

The wind blew my hair wildly and it stung my eyes. I suddenly realized that normal people

(normal what is normal anyway ha the others are normal but not me)

would have been a little more bundled up for this kind of weather. I noticed kids building snowmen with cold black angry eyes and thin arms and sharp fingers. Deep red around the necks. They yelled at me when I got too near their homes and I mumbled out apologies. The kids barely noticed me as I walked past.

(oops i think i left the door open do you think shannon will be mad at me)

I couldn't tell what time it was and I felt more disoriented than usual.

(oh shit how long have i been walking i can't see my house anymore)

"Hm, coffee does sound kinda nice right now." I couldn't feel my toes, fingers, or ears anymore. I looked down and saw chunks of snow in my boots. My hair was cold and wet.

(but your head's on FIRE isn't it)

I looked into the distance behind the wall of snow and noticed

(no no no you don't notice things you see only what you want to see)

bright neon green and white lights. I blinked a few times. A Star whatchamacallit Money. I walked further into the snow, trying to get behind the wall. But, it seemed to follow me. The blizzard continued on and on down the street. I finally made it to the coffee shop, looking up at the sign. The white woman smiled at me, her long hair flowing and moving with the wind. I licked my lips, feeling how chapped they were. They stung in the freezing air.

I noticed my reflection in the glass door and cracked my neck, opening it and heading inside. The warm air hit me in a wave.

(like the beach and the hurricane back home where did mom go)

I headed straight for the counter.

"You serve coffee here, right?" There was a girl sitting towards the back of the counter, sitting with one headphone in and her nose pressed into a magazine. She looked up at me and blinked her beady black eyes. Her hair hissed, snapping its fangs at me. Black snakes writhing and shifting together. I licked my lips, sniffling. She sighed, taking her headphone out and heading to the front of the counter. I almost took a step back as the snakes snapped at me again.

"Yeah. We serve coffee. What can I get for you today?"

"It's snowing out, you know." She blinked at me again, not saying anything for a moment.

"Are you going to order something, sir?" I felt around in my pockets, looking up at the artistic menu above her. The words and letters swirled together. I blinked and pulled out a five dollar bill.

"Can I have a coffee?" She blinked again, looking down at the crumpled-up bill.

"Black?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Tall?"

"Small, please."

"Tall."

"Small." She sighed.

(she's like a fucking sighing blinking machine with snakes and beady eyes)

"It's called tall here, sir."

"What? Oh, okay, sure, small then." She sighed again and snatched up the bill and handing me back the small amount of change.

I wandered over to the front of the store and saw one other person. She sat at the window, holding onto her paper cup of coffee with elegant fingers, close to her face. She had a book on the table in front of her, and her brown hair shone in the light of the lamps. What little of her pale face I could see shone against the glass and the bight white snow.

(like an angel a beautiful angel in a coffee shop haha)

I sat a couple tables over, trying to catch a glimpse of her face.

(because for some reason she doesn't look like a monster she's like shannon and tomo how interesting she's got a face and it's beautiful)

The beautiful woman

(who doesn't have snakes on her head)

finally turned to her book with a small smile on her face. She took a sip of her coffee and let her eyes flick over to me. I averted my eyes quickly. Her eyes were a bright blue that glowed with life and youth and innocence and mischief.

"I like your socks."

(an angel in a coffee shop haha oh shit she's talking to me)

"Thanks, I like... your fingers."

(her fingers what)

I let my eyes drift back up to her. She smiled widely, letting out a musical laugh.

"Thank you very much."

The snake woman called me over for my coffee. I caught a glimpse of her huff and mutter something angrily.

(jesus deaf and dumb isn't he oh well maybe there's something really wrong with him don't even know how to talk to a girl right poor guy)

I grabbed my coffee and licked my lips. I ran a hand through my wet hair, smoothing it into some sort of presentable manner. I sat a table closer than before. I sipped at the coffee. I took one gulp, burning my tongue and throat. I stuck out my tongue, scrunching up my face. I heard her giggle lightly. I looked over to her, raising my eyebrows, but forgetting to close my mouth. She laughed a little louder, covering her mouth and closing her eyes. I stuck my tongue back in my mouth, clearing my throat. She opened her eyes again, flashing her beautiful eyes at me and making me feel

(feel what feel angry feel scared feel happy feel)

calm.

"I can't believe that I've found someone else crazy enough to go out in this weather for a cup of coffee," she said with a bright smile. I shrugged.

(i just wanted some air you know)

"The snow doesn't bother me that much." She nodded in understanding.

"My name's Carolynn." My stomach did some weird sort of... flippy thing. That thing they do. You know that thing.

"My name's Jared." She nodded, still holding her smile.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Jared. Mind if I sit with you? I can't seem to pay attention to my book today."

(well lookey here we got ourselves a scholar she reads real books jare-bear like a normal person like the others well can she sit with you or not you're staring)

"Of course," I managed to say without stuttering. She gathered up her black backpack and her book, heading over to my table.

(her body her hair her eyes her everything an angel beautiful where have you been all my life)

"I didn't really even expect this place to be open. But, I couldn't stay in my house anymore. I felt too stuffy, you know?" I swallowed, holding tightly to my coffee but not having any desire to drink it. I nodded.

"Yeah, sometimes you just have to get away from everything."

(from the voices and the monsters but you can't get away from them cause they follow you everywhere right jared)

I glanced at her book. It was some title in a different language.

(or is it maybe you just can't see what it really is)

"What are you reading?" I asked hesitantly. She glanced down at the book, waving her hand dismissively.

"Oh, just a silly book my mother wanted me to read. She's living in Rome now," she mused sarcastically, almost losing her smile. I nodded.

"My parents are divorced too."

(they were divorced then your father and your mother they both)

"Yeah, I'm afraid my father isn't taking it too well. He might just die of a broken heart," she said trailing off and letting her smile finally slip.

(oh maybe that's where mom went who said anything about groceries)

"I could never imagine doing that to someone," I said looking out into the snow behind her.

"Yeah," she said softly. She smiled suddenly, shaking her head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No," I cut her off. "Don't apologize. Please."

(apologies are silly little unnecessary things like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast)

She nodded, letting her smile soften. "Do you live around here?"

(probably i think so i think i walked for an hour or was it a day where the hell am i)

"Yeah, just down the street. You?" She nodded.

"Yeah, a couple of blocks over. Germain Street."

"I have a friend

(haha friend haha)

that lives there. Tomo Milicevic. Ever heard of him?"

"Wow, no way! He's my next door neighbor. We've been good friends since college. Small world."

(it's a small world after all it's a small world after all oh shit i can see those little animatronics puppets in the snow hey shannon remember when we went to disney world wasn't that fun)

"Yeah," I said, laughing softly. The little puppets in the snow were dancing and waving to me. I looked into her deep blue eyes again, letting the rare feeling of calmness wash over me. I looked back out into the storm, and only saw the white. No puppets or hallucinations. I looked back to her, letting my smile grow. "Your eyes are like magic," I said before I could stop myself. She cocked her head at me, laughing.

"What do you mean?"

(i never know what i mean words just sort of fall out of my mouth like water drip drop drop splash)

I shrugged. "You're eyes are beautiful." She looked down at her coffee and I noticed her cheeks get a little pink.

"Thank you. I think your eyes are beautiful, too. They're so... honest." She looked back at me with a sly smile. "I've never met anyone with honest eyes before."

(you want to reach out and touch her don't you cause she looks like a porcelain doll like an angel like life and not like a monster it's so refreshing isn't it)

"Would you... uh, like to get coffee again sometime?" I asked quietly. "You know when it's not so..." I glanced out into the whiteness quickly. "Blizzarding outside." She nodded, beaming at me.

"Yes, Jared, I would like that very much." She dug a small scrap of paper and a pen out of her bag, and wrote down ten digits. She held my hand open and put the paper in my hand, closing my fist around it. "Did you walk here? You're freezing and all wet."

"Ahh, yeah, I did." She put her book and the pen and paper back in her bag.

"Well, I wouldn't mind making a quick stop before I head home. That is, if you feel comfortable catching a ride from a stranger," she said coyly. I smiled widely.

"That would be really nice. Thank you."

"No problem. I want to make sure you don't catch pneumonia, or get hit by a car, or something," she said with a chuckle, standing up. She slung her bag over her shoulder and I stood up with her, taking up my nearly-full coffee cup and throwing it in the garbage can. She laughed. "You sure you want to get coffee next time?"

"Hm, maybe bowling." She laughed, agreeing.

(god her laugh is like music and you like music don't you music has always made you feel so much better right jared)

We walked out into the wind and the cold and she led me over to her car. The ride over to my house was a lot quicker than I'd expected. Maybe about ten minutes or so. I had asked her more about her parents, wanting to hear more about her family and her upbringing.

(because it says so much about a person there’s always reason for madness right jared)

She told me about her sister and how much she loves her

(just like you an shannon right jared)

and how much her mother lied and stole but how she still loved her. And how her father didn't want to see her much anymore because she just looks so much like her mother and she just reminds him of her.

"I'm really glad I met you, Jared," she said as we pulled up to my house. I instantly noticed Shannon's head peer out through the living room window.

(oh jesus he was probably ready to call the police again how embarrassing)

"I'm really glad I met you, too, Carolynn." I still had the piece of paper clenched tightly in my fist. I was afraid someone would steal it or the wind would knock it away. "I'll call you soon?" Her smile shone brightly in the dimly-lit car. She nodded.

"I look forward to it." She held out her hand

(look at her hand her elegant fingers oh my god she's beautiful)

and I took it. I felt electricity as our skin touched.

(so beautiful)

"It was nice to meet you." I smiled as brightly as she did.

(are you

are you happy)

"It was nice to meet you, too." I opened the door and jumped out into the cold. I gave her a final wave and headed through the snow again and up to the door. I opened it

(Shannon didn't lock it cause he hoped you'd come back isn't that nice of him)

and closed it quickly behind me. It was a more comfortable temperature here than at the coffee place. It felt more like home. Shannon stood in the doorway of the living room with his arms crossed and a calm face.

"So, where'd you go?" I shrugged.

"Just got some coffee." Shannon's face dropped and he gave me a condescending look. I smiled as I took off my shoes and wet socks. I took off my long-sleeved shirt and threw it on the floor.

"Yeah, well, I'm making dinner in a bit. What do you want?" I shrugged again.

"Can't we just get delivery or something? I'm in the mood for Italian." Shannon rolled his eyes.

"Jared. Blizzard. Delivery not gonna happen. I'll make some spaghetti or something." He shut the light off in the living room and headed for the kitchen. I almost made it to the stairs before he stopped me. "And, uh, who was that?"

"Who was who?"

"That girl."

"Which girl?"

"The girl in the car."

"Oh you mean Betty? I was helping her move some stuff out of her house and stuff. Real nice girl. Kinda crazy, though. She has this weird problem with licking her lips. Really annoying."

(you're one in a million, kid)

"Uh huh, Jared. Great. I'll let you know when dinner's ready." I started for the stairs again. "And, I'm not picking your shit up, so put your wet clothes in the dryer or something. I'm your brother, not your mother." I sighed and went back for my wet clothes. I went to the laundry room and shoved everything

(you do realize you just threw your boots in the dryer right)

into the dryer. I ran up the stairs and fell face-first into my bed. When I closed my eyes I could only see her smile

(an angel)

and her eyes.

(hello angel)

I turned onto my back, keeping my eyes closed so I could see her. I felt something on my face suddenly, and begrudgingly opened my eyes. My ceiling was gone and it was snowing in my room. Snowflakes dropped down to my bed and my face and my chest. I reached out to the clouds, feeling the wet flakes on my fingertips.

(carolynn the snow angel)

I smiled, letting this foreign feeling invade my mind.

(jared you're happy this is happiness congratulations)

I hoped, against everything, that this feeling would become something familiar to me.

With time.

With Carolynn.

With an angel.

(where have you been all my life)

To save me from the fire.

(let the fire burn

and then let the angel snuff it out)