You Mean More to Me Than Words Could Ever Say

I sat on my couch in my empty house not bothering to care why my mother wasn’t home. What the hell did I do? I fled from the place, making myself look crazy and like I had something to hide.

Why the fuck would I do that? I always seem to act without thinking. I freeze up and get scared and run like a coward. What’s my issue anyways? I’m physically attracted to Gerard. I want to feel my body up against his, I want him to be the source of my pleasure. I always want to be close to him, feel him. Maybe kiss him or run my fingers through his shaggy black hair. But I don’t want to his ‘boyfriend’. I don’t want to be loved by him. I want to be touched by him. But Gerard is only a friend, and I have to dismiss these feelings immediately. Although he is gay, he definitely does not seem interested in me. What do I have to offer anyway? I laid down on my back with my hands over my sick feeling stomach, staring up at the ceiling fan that lightly blew cool air on my face, drying my eyes out. Someone knocked at my door, and I knew it was Gerard. He needed answers. My heart started hammering as I headed to the door and looked through the glass. It was Mikey. I was disappointed yet relieved, as I turned the handle and slowly opened the door, looking at my feet.

“Hey,”

“Hi.” I muttered, stepping aside to let him in. He made his way to the couch and sat on the edge of the cushion. I closed the door but stayed near it, instead of sitting by him. He slapped his knees and looked up at me.

“Frank, what’s going on?” He asked sternly, staring me down. I decided to play dumb, acting without thinking yet again.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, masking on innocence. He breathed out, annoyed, seeing right through me.

“Don’t even, Frank. You haven’t been yourself lately and you know it. You've been acting weird, you stayed home that day from Taco Bell claiming you don’t feel good, and then drank yourself to sleep. Now, you ran out of the place when it was brought up that Gerard is gay. Apparently you had a conversation with Elena about this. Now tell me this Frank, because I am no dumb ass. And don’t you lie to me either. Are you gay?” I processed everything Mikey said, and calmed myself.

“No.” I said, confidently. He nodded.

“Are you bisexual?”

“No.” I said again. He looked puzzled.

“But you like Gerard.” I widened my eyes at him. How could he see that?

“Not necessarily...” I told him, my voice quieting. He raised his eyebrows at me. I took a couple deep breaths, and decided I could trust Mikey enough to tell him exactly how I feel. Afterwards, he was looking at me with a smirk.

“You horny little bastard.” He said. I stared at him open mouthed before cracking up as he did too.

“Fuck you, Mikey.” I joked. He laughed.

“So, let me get this straight. You’ll get in the dude’s pants, but you won’t date him?” He asked. I nodded. He nodded as well, trying to understand where I was coming from but not quite being able to.

“That’s a shame cause...” Mikey started, but he trailed off.

“Cause why?” I asked. But he shook his head.

“Mikey, I just told you everything. Now you tell me.” I said sternly.

“Okay, alright... well, cause Gerard likes you.”

I felt my heart pound harder and faster than it ever did before.

Gerard likes me?

Mikey let me think about what he said as I sat on the couch and we watched TV, trying to pay attention. I kept thinking about what he said though. Maybe I’ll act upon my feelings then? If Gerard likes me... I should try something. A little while later, a car pulled up and someone knocked on the door. I got up and opened it finding it to be Ray and Bob.

“Hey Frank!” They said in unison. I smiled, before wondering where Gerard was. They noticed my expression.

“What’s wrong?” Bob asked.

“Oh, just, uh. Where’s Gerard?” I asked him. They both smiled wide as they walked in and Mikey turned off the TV. I closed the door and followed them into the room. We all sat around the couch.

“So where’s Gee?” Mikey asked.

“He met a guy!” Ray chirped. My heart dropped as I watched Bob and Ray smile. Mikey looked at me with a sad expression. Before I could say anything, Bob began explaining.

”We were paying for our food, when we noticed Gerard was checking out the cashier over at the counter. We encouraged him to go talk to him, and he did! The guy said he got done in a bit, and asked Gee if he wanted to chill, so we left and let them be alone. They’re hanging out right now!” He said excitedly. Ray noticed my face. I ignored him and suddenly was raged at Mikey. I thought Mikey said he liked me? He lied to me. I stared at him angrily as he looked bewildered.

“Hey...Frank...why’d you leave earlier?” Ray asked. But I was too angry and upset to talk to anyone.

“Look, I don’t feel so good. I’m going to go to bed. You all can let yourselves out.” I said. I trudged out of the living room and into my bedroom, slamming the door.