You Mean More to Me Than Words Could Ever Say

Gerard sighed out heavily, before pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. I stared at them wide eyed, not knowing how to react. I never tried smoking, never really thought of it, or felt an urge to start. My mother did, and so had my father, and a couple friends growing up. I always just stared at them like it was the most ridiculous choice you could make. But now, seeing that it was Gerard who had them, Gerard who smoked, it made myself want to give it a try. I wanted to be like Gerard.

He pulled out a cigarette, sticking it in his lips and holding it there, before closing the pack and sliding it back in his pocket. He then pulled out a lighter and flicked it with his thumb, cupping his other hand around it as he did so. I watched him carefully as he inhaled while lighting it, before putting the lighter away. He exhaled through his nose without the cigarette ever leaving his lips. He pulled it out then however and faced me.

"What?" He asked. I then realized how hard I was studying him. I felt my face get warm and then looked down at my thighs, and toying with the lose thread spouting from one of the tears in my jeans.

"I...didn't know you smoked." I said bluntly. It came off as if I was angry, but I wasn't at all. He raised an eyebrow at me before taking another drag. As he spoke, the smoke came out with each word.

"Ryder got me started, about a few weeks ago. I'm not addicted physically just yet, but mentally I am. I crave that light heading feeling, and the way it calms my body and mind." Of course Ryder got him started. That thought angered me for some reason but I ignored it.

"Oh, really?" I asked, honestly curious.

"Well, yeah. Want to try one?" He asked carefully, but a hint of excitement popped through in his voice. I didn't even think, I just nodded my head. He pulled out the pack again, handing me a cigarette. I put it in my lips just like he had done.

"Now, instead of using the lighter, I'm just going to use the end of mine to light it, alright? Inhale when they touch. But give a slow and long drag, and do it gently. Don't take a harsh, deep breath. You'll cough up a storm." I nodded.

He leaned in with the cigarette in his lips, and connected the end of his to mine. I slowly inhaled, not getting much at first, but I continued breathing in. After a few seconds, I disconnected our cigarettes as I felt it hit my lungs. It hurt and felt like I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air, but instead started coughing away as the smoke left my lungs.

Suddenly I was extremely dizzy, and put my head on my knees. Gerard roughly rubbed my back. He gave gave me a few minutes to compose myself. After I felt a bit better, only a little light head and my chest didn't hurt, I was ready to try again.

"You okay?" Gerard asked. I look over at him and smiled.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I started to raise the cigarette to my lips.

"Take it easy. Slow and gently." He said again. I nodded and sucked in, very slowly. This time, I felt it hit my lungs, but it didn't hurt nearly as much. It was still uncomfortable but dealable.

I slowly breathed out, and after a couple seconds I coughed a little more, but not too much. Gerard smiled.

"You're a natural." He chirped.

X~x~X~x~X

When I returned home that day, my mother was actually there. She was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a glass of water. She looked eerily empty to me, as if she was a mannequin but with flaws and imperfections.

She didn't even look at me as she spoke my name.

"Frank." I looked over at her, slowly walking over and standing by the table.

"Sit down, hon." She offered a weak smile, and I did as she said and dropped my bag on the ground.

"What's up mom?" I asked shakily. My nerves were kicking in.

"Honey, I'm going to get help." I barely processed what she said.

"What do you mean?" She looked at me for a long while, before shifting her gaze somewhere else and then back to me wearily.

"I'm going to a rehabilitation center. For, you know, my drinking." I felt my face soften and placed a hand an her arm. My mom was getting help. She actually wanted help. She wanted to get better.

"Mom...that's great. That's really, really great." I choked out my next words, for it felt odd to say.

"I'm proud of you." I murmured, but with sincerity. She smiled at me, with tears filling her eyes.

"I just can't keep hurting you." As she said this her voice cracked. She held the tears in and took a deep breath, controlling herself.

I didn't just tear up. I completely bawled my eyes out. This was such a life changing moment for us. It was the best news I had heard in a long time. She was talking to me and comforting me but I wasn't paying attention. I had so many emotions that were pouring out and becoming visible. I felt so raw and vulnerable and I didn't care. My mom wasn't going to be an alcoholic anymore. She wasn't going to beat me anymore. She was going to get her life together. And it was all for me.

I had never felt so loved in my life.

My mother started crying harder then I was, if possible. She was hovering over me now, running her fingers through my hair. I felt her tears drop on the back of my neck. Suddenly something occurred to me, causing me to calm myself and gather composure.

"Mom.." She sniffled and wiped her tears, taking a few deep breaths before placing a hand on mine, seeing my worried face.

"Yes hon?"

"Will I have to take care of the house myself? How long are you going to be gone away?" Her face fell and she sat down once again.

"It's a 6 month program. But don't worry Frank, you won't have to be all alone, I called up your Aunt
Vickie and Uncle Ron, they're going to let you stay with them." My heart dropped.

My Aunt and Uncle live out in Georgia. We live in New Jersey.

I thought about Gerard. I thought about Bob, Ray, and Mikey. How all those relationships would be fucked up, how the band would be put on hold. How Gerard may get closer to Ryder due to me leaving.

Without a word I got up and ran to my room, slamming the door and laying on my bed, crying for the third time today.