You Mean More to Me Than Words Could Ever Say

I felt so sick to my stomach, that I knew I was going to vomit. My stomach problem is going to come back again because of this. I already know as I run to the bathroom emptying whatever contents are
in my stomach.

As I kneeled in front of the toilet, I saw Gerard walk in out of the corner of my eye. Without saying a word, he kneeled down next to me and tucked my bangs behind my ear, before rubbing my back roughly but caring.

I wanted him to leave. I was so embarrassed and pissed off and simply upset. Here I was puking my guts up in front of Gerard, making me look incredibly weak and showing how vulnerable I really am. And I was pissed at myself for kissing him. I was also pissed that he kissed back and then backed away. But it was my fault. I made the move.

Most of all, I was heart broken. What is fucking wrong with me? Gerard likes guys. So obviously that isn't the problem. It's just me. I'm a boring human being with nothing to offer him. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing that he would want.

I started crying as I hovered over the toilet, not being able to hold it in. Gerard stopped rubbing my back and reached into his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

"Can you just get the fuck out!" I yelled, my voice slightly unclear and thickly coated with undeniable pain. I turned to look at Gerard, noticing he himself was crying.

"I don't want you to see me like this!" I yelled at him. He just leaned against the wall and lit the stick, taking in a rugged, harsh drag.

"I'm not leaving you. We need to talk." He said calmly, despite the tears pouring out of his eyes. I realized my stomach was okay now and got up, flushing the toilet and washing my face and hands very routine like. I was used to doing this. I slowly turned to face Gerard, as anxiety, nerves, and butterflies attacked my insides. He held out a cigarette and his lighter to me and I took it.

Lighting up, I leaned against the opposite wall across from him and stared at his lips as he inhaled and exhaled. I still wasn't used to the smoke but it was easier then last time. Finally Gerard says something.

"Frank, I'm sorry." I gave him a disbelieving glare and shook my head angrily, emotions pouring out of me.

"No Gerard, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I came onto you. I'm sorry
I'm not Ryder." He scooted over next to me.

"Frank stop it. I stopped because you only think you like me... but you don't. You're not gay, Frank... or bisexual, I know you're not. You don't like guys." I looked him in the eyes harshly.

"I don't know about 'guys' in general, but I like you, Gerard. And I know that." My voice was shaking so terribly I thought the words and sounds emitting from my lips would disintegrate into nothing. He didn't say anything.

"I've always liked you. Even since the first day of school. I just never realized it." I said honestly. He stared at me wildly, but still didn't respond. We sat there in silence, smoking our boags until they were down to nothing. Finally he spoke.

"Frank, how can I be sure that what you are feeling is real?" Gerard asked. I placed my hand on his.

"Give me some time? To prove it?" He searched my eyes for a few moments, before nodding his head.

"Okay." He whispered.