You Mean More to Me Than Words Could Ever Say

I was currently sitting at a table with Bob and Ray, picking at my salad as they wolfed down burgers and fries. I had so much to say, yet no idea how to say it. I didn't even know how to start up a conversation that could lead into it. But thankfully Bob did.

"So Frank... Who's all going to be at your party Saturday?" I chewed the food in my mouth quickly and swallowed, before taking a sip of my drink.

"I really don't know." I murmured, managing to hold eye contact. They each stared at me funny before nodding simultaneously. I gnawed at the inside of my lip, as Bob said nothing and continuing eating, and Ray smacked his lips and looked out the window. After a few moments, I knew I had to say something then, or else I'd never get it out.

"Uhm," I began. They each turned their attention to me without saying a word.

"What I wanted to tell you guys...is, uhm... Fuck, I don't even know what I'm going to say.." I felt my face grow warm and nerves rush threw me. I knew once I started talking I wouldn't shut up, and just ramble on in a complete mess making hardly any sense. They still said nothing, so I continued.

"Okay, I'm just going to put it out there. Alright. I'm not like... " I moved my eyes to the table, so I could speak without freezing up.

"I like Gerard. Okay." I kept my eyes down.

"But I'm not like, I'm not gay. I mean, only for him, I guess. I just like him. A lot. And he's all I've been thinking about lately." As I said those words I realized how true they were. Gerard was overthrowing my thoughts almost 24/7 and consuming my mind and controlling my actions involuntarily.

"He's causing me to show sides of myself I've never even seen before. Before I met him, I was quiet and timid with certain situations, and very stubborn and arrogant with others. But he's caused me to find an even balance, and show my true self. As sappy and cheesy as it sounds, he brings out the best in me." I continued to stare down, picking at my finger nails.

"Frank," One of them said. I wasn't sure. I was in another world right now.

"Wait. I'm not done. The thing is, I've been putting all my focus on him. I want to...I want to be with him, okay? And I've been working hard at it...and it's all just a fucked up....a fucked up situation. I don't know... Fuck, I'm sorry guys." I looked at them then, and I couldn't read their expressions. I continued.

"I'm sorry I haven't paid a lot of attention to you. This is all new to me.. These feelings... It's not what I'm used to. And it happened so suddenly it seems like, I mean hell, I never thought I could develop feelings for a guy, let alone Gerard... And now... Fuck it, I think I love him. I know I do." At this point I couldn't shut up. I've never talked about my feelings like this. It was new to me. And it felt nice.

"I didn't even realize... Ah fuck I don't know. I've never devoted so much of myself into one person. Even if I feel like its getting me no where. I want to keep trying, for him. He's worth it. I'm sorry if I'm saying to much... It's just... I just..." Finally Bob spoke up.

"Frank," I met his eyes and tried to figure out what emotion laid in them.

"Look behind you." I felt my heart pound a mile a minute, and my whole body grow warm. I found the strength to turn my head and look over my shoulder, finding Gerard standing there, leaning against the wall with one hand on his stomach and the other covering his mouth. I saw tears spilling over his cheeks, and he let out a choked cry, muffling it behind his fingers. I turned to Bob and Ray.

"How long...how much did he hear?" They just stared at me, and I heard Gerard let out a deep breath behind me. I faced him once again, with my actions feeling robotic and unnatural. He didn't speak, and instead took one slow, heavy step closer to me. I looked into his eyes for answers, receiving none. I looked to the floor and held my gaze there, wishing to disappear and rewind time. Suddenly Gerard placed his hands on my cheeks, bringing my face to meet his, using his thumbs to wipe the tears on my face that I didn't even realize were there.

Before I could process what was happening, Gerard motioned closer and lightly placed his lips on mine, so gently that I shouldn't have been able to feel it, but I sure as hell did. It felt as if he was kissing me with all the force in the world. I cried out against his lips, not being able to help it. My emotions were pouring out of me in this kiss. It was different than any that we shared in the past. This one really ment something. It wasn't just out of pleasure, or desire, or spur of the moment. It was because it was truly the perfect way to show our feelings. It was because we wanted each other physically and mentally. It was because we cared about each other. And I knew this now that the feelings were mutual. I could see it in Gerards eyes. I could feel it in his lips. Just then he slightly backed his face away, meeting my eyes again.

"Everything. I heard everything." He pulled my body closer to him, enveloping me in his arms and kissing me with all of his strength now. I actually felt a warmth spread through my lips. A sensation of complete and utter bliss devour my entire being. I didn't question why he was here. I simply appreciated it. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, but it felt like an eternity. A beautiful nirvana.

Eventually, we backed away and stayed there, staring at each other with probably the most emotion we've ever displayed on our faces. Someone coughed behind us just then, and I suddenly remember Bob and Ray were still there. And I also remembered we were in a fast food place. And everyone was staring at us. Gerard and I turned to face them, with stupid, giddy smiles glued to our faces.

They stood up and walked over, and Bob stepped forward.

"Listen, Frank, I, well we kind of thought that what's been up with you lately was, well, everything you said. We knew. And it's okay man. All we wanted was honesty. And you poured your heart out to us," He looked at Ray for confirmation and received a nod, so he continued.

"That's the most you've ever opened up. And I'm, we're thankful for it." Ray put his hand on my shoulder.

"Listen man, you don't feel bad, or regret anything, you hear me? You didn't do anything wrong. You're in love okay, it's understandable. It's acceptable. It's okay." I smiled at him, at a loss for words. He smiled back, as well as Bob, and they walked out then. Suddenly Gerard placed his head on my shoulder, yawning.

"Let's head home." He murmured. I smiled so genuinely happy at those words I almost squealed, and lifted his head up, pecking his lips quickly.

"Okay."

X~x~X~x~X

As we walked through the bedroom door, Mikey already being fast asleep in his room, I felt myself become completely comfortable in front of him in that moment. I took my shirt and pants off, laying in my boxers in front of him. Gerard didn't stare at me too long, or bring it to attention. He simply smiled and stripped down to his boxers with me, before slipping into the bed. I sat on the bed, smiling at him for the millionth time.

He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling my towards him and snuggling into me, like a child snuggling into their teddy bear. I giggled at the thought.

"Fucking hell, Frank." He laughed.

"What?" I asked, slightly worried.

"You're just, you're adorable. You're perfect." He kissed my forehead. I looked up at him, kissing his lips, before resting my head against his chest and closing my eyes, feeling myself slip into sleep.