Shattered Glass & Broken Hearts

First a week passed by, and then two weeks that Emily didn’t hear from Max. It worried her, knowing that her brother hadn’t even tried to call her or text her to see how she was doing. A part of her wondered if he was just trying to make her feel guilty for having that argument with her at her apartment the day she’d come back from Ronnie’s house, but she tried not to think about that. She still felt guilty for lying to him.

Max was her brother; the only sibling she had, and it felt horrible not telling him the truth. She was doing it for his best interest, though. She already knew how Max would react if he found out she’d been anywhere near Ronnie.

He’s just going to hurt you again, he would say. He’s a no good, rotten asshole who left you when you needed him most, Emily. Forget about him and move on. It’s been ten years; just let it die.

He’d said the same thing to her a dozen times in the past ten years, and each and every time he said it, she wished to God that she could. She was tired of loving a man who obviously didn’t return her sentiments. She was tired of feeling like she was never going to find another man that would make her feel the way Ronnie had.

She was tired of the constant heartache, she thought sadly.

And yet, she knew that there was never going to be anyone else. For Emily, it was only Ronnie. He was the only man she could ever imagine herself being with sexually, and clearly that was never going to happen again.

She would be alone forever now, and that was what she had to accept, she chided herself mentally as she bit down on her bottom lip. It wasn’t a truth she wanted to face, but it was what it was and she couldn’t change that.

“Just get over it,” she whispered out loud to herself as she plopped down onto the couch, her mind still reeling with thoughts of Ronnie and the night they’d spent together two weeks before.

She still hadn’t forgotten about the photograph that she’d found in the guest bedroom, the one of the two of them together. Why had he kept it all these years, she couldn’t help but wonder. Why hadn’t he just gotten rid of it like everything else? He clearly hadn’t wanted her anywhere near his life or he never would have left the way he had, so what was the point in keeping an old photograph that no doubt dug up painful memories?

She wanted to believe that it was a sign that he cared about her still, even if he was denying it. She couldn’t bring herself to believe that, though. If Ronnie cared about her at all, he would have come back. In fact, if he truly cared, he would never have walked away in the first place.

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t hear her doorbell ring until it had gone off twice. She blinked, groaning as she moved to her feet, walking over to the front door to see who was there. She already knew that Hanna was at the hospital doing a ten hour mid-shift, so it definitely couldn’t be her. And she was pretty sure that Joss and Ryan had gone to the Santa Monica Pier today to have some beachy fun since the weather was so hot.

That left no one that she knew, which had her thinking it was probably a telemarketer. Unless Max had stopped by again, but she doubted that. According to the website, he was supposed to be in Georgia tonight.

She almost decided to ignore the knocking before it sounded again, causing her to continue walking towards the door. She looked through the peephole, thoroughly expecting to see some man standing there in a grey suit selling vacuums or something of the like.

Instead, she was greeted by a man wearing a bright red jacket and white-framed sunglasses and a head full of messy black hair. There was no stopping the gasp of surprise, and slight shock as she realized that the man standing in front of her door wasn’t a telemarketer, but instead Ronnie.

“I know you’re in there, Em,” Ronnie called through the door as she backed away, wanting to ignore the fact that he was there. Seeing him would only make it harder for her to come to grips with the fact that he was never going to be hers again.

Oh, hell, what does it matter? You’ve had ten years to make that realization and it still hasn’t happened, so what’s one more day? a voice in the back of her mind told her.

She bit her bottom lip, still backing up until her back was against the couch before she heard him again, this time sounding a little more frustrated.

“Em, seriously, open up. We need to talk,” he told her.

It took you ten years to realize that? she wanted to ask him, though she kept her mouth silent as she walked back over to the door, making sure the chain lock was on the door before she opened up slowly, her eyes meeting Ronnie’s.

“We have nothing to talk about, Ronnie,” she whispered softly as she looked down at the floor. Damn his eyes, she cursed mentally. They’d always had a way of distracting her, and apparently no amount of time would change that.

“Bullshit, Emily,” Ronnie narrowed his eyes at her. “You just left without saying anything and—”

“I didn’t do anything you didn’t do ten years ago, Ronnie,” she snapped, unable to stop the words from spilling out of her mouth before she glared up at him. “I have nothing left I want to say, okay? So just walk away, Ronnie.”

“I made that mistake once, Em,” Ronnie told her, his voice softer than she’d heard in a long time. “I’m not making it again. Open the door before I break it down.”

“The cops would be here so fast you wouldn’t know what to think,” she threatened him.

Ronnie sighed. He knew that she must be thoroughly pissed off, even if she was hardly showing it. This was a side of Emily that rarely came out; a side, apparently, that only he was able to elicit because according to Jocelyn and Hanna, neither girl had ever seen Emily any more than slightly annoyed at anything.

According to them, she had the patience of an angel. They didn’t know his Emily, who could be a true spitfire when angered.

She’s not your Emily, he reminded himself as he leaned his head against the doorframe, his eyes meeting Emily’s in silence.

“I’m not opening the door,” she warned him. “So you might as well just leave.”

“And I’m not going anywhere, so you might as well open it,” he countered, his stomach rumbling lightly. “Look,” he sighed in defeat. “Why don’t you just come out and we can get some food someplace? Not like a date, just…to talk, okay?”

“If you wanted to talk, you should have come back ten years ago,” she told him, her voice bitter. “And if you wanted to talk, you could have said whatever it is that’s on your mind two weeks ago, Ronnie. Goodbye.”

She didn’t say another word as she slammed the door shut, double-checking to make sure the deadbolt was secure before she walked over to the bedroom. She was fuming right now; more angry than she had been during her argument with Max earlier on in the month.

“Damn him,” she hissed under her breath as she walked into her bedroom, closing the door behind herself before she walked over to the bed. Ronnie’s bandana was lying on the table next to the mattress as it almost always was. Most of the time it served as a slight comfort.

Now, she just wanted to strangle him with it.

How could he expect her to be willing to talk with him after so long had gone between them without so much as one single word being spoken? He’d been the one to walk away, she reminded herself. He was the one who’d chosen to end what they had.

He was the one who had given up.

But you still want to talk to him, Em, a voice told her.

No, she didn’t. She didn’t want to speak to him or even look at him. Right now, Emily wanted nothing to do with Emily. It infuriated her that he seemed to think that her world revolved around him, because it most certainly didn’t.

But if it didn’t, she thought to herself, why did she keep the bandana? If her world didn’t still revolve around Ronnie and the way he’d made her feel, why didn’t she date anymore?

If her world didn’t still revolve around what Ronnie could do to her; the words he’d spoken, and the way he’d touched her, why did she feel like opening that door and running into his arms?

The answer, Emily realized, was simple.

She still loved him just as much as she always had. And that was a truth she’d never be able to deny.