Shattered Glass & Broken Hearts

Emily fell asleep that night clutching Ronnie’s bandana in her hand tightly, even though she was desperately trying to remain angry with him. She didn’t know if he was still outside her front door, but she didn’t dare get up to check. Her will had always been weak when it came to him and even if she was furious; even if she was livid, she knew that all it would take for her to open the door to him would be a few words spoken in a broken, desperate voice from Ronnie.

When she woke up the next morning, she checked her phone once again to see if Max had tried to contact her and sighed when he hadn’t. She knew that he was angry with her. But would he honestly let this destroy their siblinghood?

The apartment was silent as she walked towards the kitchen in search of something to eat, and she groaned as she opened the fridge to find that she had no milk. It had probably been Max, she realized, the last time he’d come over to her place. He had always had a habit of using her groceries and never telling her about it, and that was probably the case this time as well.

“Dammit,” she muttered to herself, closing the fridge door before she wandered back to her bedroom so that she could get dressed. The first thing on her to do list today was to go and get some groceries, she told herself. After that, she’d try to call Max again, and maybe she’d see if Hanna and Joss would be available to hang out for a bit.

She walked to the door and pulled the deadbolt open before taking the chain lock off as well, twisting the door to open it. She got one step into the hallway outside her apartment before she froze, her eyebrow shooting up when she saw Ronnie leaned up against the wall. He was sitting down on the floor and his knees were pulled up to his chest, but he was definitely asleep and he definitely looked uncomfortable.

She couldn’t just leave him there, Emily thought to herself. She was definitely still upset with him but that didn’t mean she was heartless. She leaned over and shoved his shoulder to wake him up and then stood straight up again, folding her arms over her chest.

“What are you still doing here, Ronnie?” She asked him. It was clear by her tone of voice that she was anything but pleased as she took a step back as he moved to his feet.

“I told you,” he shrugged. “I wasn’t leaving until you talked to me. I meant it.”

“So what, now you’re stalking my apartment? The cops could have been called, Ronnie. What would you have done then?” Emily asked, her hands dropping as she studied him. “You had your chance to talk two weeks ago. You’ve gone ten years without saying so much as a word to me. Why now?”

Ronnie didn’t speak right away because if truth be told, he didn’t have an honest answer for her. Why had he waited ten years to talk to her? There were a lot of reasons, but nothing she’d understand. And nothing he could truly justify for her, either.

He was the one who’d nearly killed her; the reason she still walked with a limp. She was the one who’d been permanently injured for life because of him. Her blood was all over his hands. How was he supposed to face her after doing something like that to her? Especially since Emily had been his best friend’s sister.

“It’s hard to explain,” was all Ronnie told her as he shrugged. It was the answer she’d been expecting and yet, it wasn’t the answer she’d wanted. Emily sighed, pushing her hair back out of her eyes as she took a step back once Ronnie tried to touch her shoulder.

“Can we please just talk?”

The truth was, Ronnie was desperate to have her in his life again. He’d missed her ever since that night he’d walked away with the intention of never seeing her again. Emily had always been a big part of his life; even after he’d left her, he’d never gone one single day without thinking about her. He’d written in journals about her; written songs about her. He still loved her, even if his actions had never shown that.

“No, Ronnie. We can’t,” Emily snapped at him. “Maybe when I’m ready to talk to you, we can. You forced me to do things your way ten years ago when you left. Now, we’re doing things my way.”

She wasn’t normally so abrasive and it surprised Ronnie as she walked away from him. He had been fully expecting her to say something along the lines of ‘okay, we can talk.’ To hear her outright turn him down like that was something of a shock. He definitely didn’t like it.

Then again, he’d never liked being turned down.

“Em, please,” Ronnie croaked as she walked. The desperation in his tone couldn’t be denied, and she stopped in her tracks if only for a few moments to turn around, his face fallen as he watched her through guarded eyes.

“I’m not asking for a lot here, Em. I know you aren’t ready for me to be in your life again. Hell, you probably never really will be. All I’m asking is a few hours to talk. I…I don’t want you to hate me forever, Emily.”

She could have told him no; that she didn’t care about his mental wellbeing when it came to her feelings. She could have even lied and said she hated his guts and that she wished he’d just go back to the hell he’d crawled out of. But that just wasn’t her style and truth be told, even she couldn’t be that cold with him right now. Not even when she wanted to be.

“Honestly, Ronnie, what would we talk about?” Emily asked him as she crossed her arms over her chest. “The fact that you abandoned me at the moment I needed you most? The fact that you never tried talking to me again until a few weeks ago? Or maybe, Ronnie, we’d actually talk about the feelings we were both feeling? Wait…I forgot. No one’s privy to your emotions,” she muttered under her breath. “Just leave me alone, Ronnie. You’ve managed to do it for ten years, it shouldn’t be too hard doing it for the rest of my life now.”

She started walking away again but Ronnie definitely couldn’t have that. He walked over to her, grabbing her shoulder with his hand so that he could turn her to face him. She bit down on her bottom lip as he kept his grip there, refusing to let her go.

“Please, Em.”

She’d only heard him sound this desperate a few other times and she’d never liked it all that much, but she knew he’d brought this all on himself. He was the one who’d walked away. He was the one who’d chosen to leave her behind and in his past.

His past was where he should have kept her because God knew that Emily didn’t want to have room for Ronnie in her future.

Yes, she still loved him but goddamn, she was tired of that. She didn’t like the way it made her feel, loving someone like Ronnie. When they’d been together, he’d been a different person. He hadn’t been jaded by the things he’d gone through, hadn’t turned his back on the people who loved him most. Things had most definitely changed and even if she wanted to, Emily honestly couldn’t see the good in trying to work things out with Ronnie—even if he didn’t want a relationship and just wanted friendship with her.

At this point, they were too damaged even for that.

“You should have thought about this when you left, Ron,” she whispered finally, pushing his arm off of her shoulder before she took several steps back. He tried to move forward closer to her again, but she shook her head, hand on her pocket ready to pull her cell phone out.

“Don’t,” she warned him. “I…I can’t do this, Ronnie. Not right now. If you ever cared at all, let me walk away.”

And walk away she did. Emily didn’t take a second look at Ronnie as she left him standing there in the hallway outside of her apartment. It tore her up, leaving him the way she was. She knew that it hurt him and she knew that he’d probably go home and blame himself for this. And rightfully so, of course. But that didn’t make it any easier for Emily to cope with. She’d always hated causing people to feel guilty.

But that wasn’t a luxury she had right now and if she was being completely honest, walking away from Ronnie Radke was the best thing she could do for herself right now. Even if her heart was telling her it was the worst thing possible, her brain was telling her it was a smart move and after ten years of constant heartache, she was going to listen to her head for once instead of following her heart.