Shattered Glass & Broken Hearts

The full moon glittered on the shattered glass that littered the ground as Ronnie stood on the side of the road, lit cigarette in one hand and a half-empty beer bottle in the other. Leaving Emily two nights ago had been the hardest thing he’d ever done in his entire life. He didn’t know how he could function, knowing that she wasn’t going to be there by his side for everything.

She was the one girl who’d been able to get through to him. Emily had stopped him from doing so many stupid things over the years, things that certainly would have ended in serious jail time or injury to himself or others. So why in the hell hadn’t she stopped him from driving the car drunk that night?

Why hadn’t she saved herself?

That was a question Ronnie was going to have to live with forever, he thought, because he sure as fuck didn’t plan on going to see Emily to try and figure out why she’d gotten in his car that night. In fact, a part of him wasn’t even sure he wanted to know. What was the point? All it would do was make him feel guiltier than he already did.

“Fuckin’ asshole,” he muttered under his breath before he pushed his hair out of his eyes, narrowing them as he looked at the site of the wreck in front of him.

The totaled car had already been removed, and the highway was open to traffic again. But there were still glass shards on the ground; shattered glass from the windshield that Emily had flown through in spite of the seatbelt she’d had buckled. The cops had said it’d malfunctioned, some of her friends said Ronnie had unbuckled it himself to see if she’d go through the windshield. But Ronnie?

He just thought it was a freak accident. A freak accident that could have been avoided had he not fucking drank a bottle of Smirnoff.

He lifted his head and turned to look out at the sandy expanse of land that stretched along the highway, his eyes softening when he saw the area she had landed. He wondered if her blood was still there in the sand. He wondered if the sand still clung to the imprint of her body and the footprints of the paramedics and policemen who’d retrieved what they’d thought was a dead body before they’d heard her shallow breaths.

She’d said his name once. He’d heard it. Or maybe he’d just been delusional because of the impact of the car. That was what the doctors would say. As far as they knew, she’d been struck voiceless when she’d gone through the windshield. But that didn’t deter Ronnie from believing wholeheartedly that he’d heard her saying his name.

It was another reason why he felt so terrible. Even so close to death, Emily had been more concerned for his wellbeing than her own. That was how she’d always been; not just with Ronnie, but with everyone around her. Any time Max got himself into trouble, Emily took the fall and tried to spare him the yelling that they both knew their parents would direct at him. If Robert or Omar didn’t get their homework assignments done on a big project that would cause them to fail the semester, Emily would stay up all night doing it, just to make sure they passed and got through the year with their friends.

Someone like that didn’t deserve the car wreck that had nearly taken her life.

Someone like that didn’t deserve Ronnie.

She deserved the best love that she could possibly find, the kind of love fucking fairytales were written about. She deserved to have a normal kind of relationship, one where she wasn’t always having to help him.

Ronnie sure as hell couldn’t give that to her and he knew that.

“Fuckin’ prick,” he hissed at himself under his breath before he picked up a piece of the glass, looking at it shine under the full moonlight. It was hard to imagine that this one little pebble-like piece of glass had once been part of the windshield.

He jumped when he heard a car door slam behind him, catching him off guard before he turned around to see Robert standing there. His eyes fell and he just turned around to look back out at the scene of the wreck.

“Being here ain’t gonna help her, Radke,” Robert called over to him before he heard heavy footsteps in the sand coming towards him.

“Fuck off, Ortiz. You don’t know what I’m going through,” Ronnie snapped, unable to hide the anger in his voice.

Everyone blamed Ronnie for what had happened on Halloween night, and he was okay with that because he knew he deserved it. He was the one who’d made the decision to drive drunk. He was the one who’d lost control.

He was the one who’d almost killed Emily.

But that all aside, he was going through his own shit. He felt so much guilt, it was almost like a weight being pressed down on his chest. It was a constant ache, knowing that because of him, another life had almost been ended. How the fuck was he supposed to deal with that? How was he supposed to cope with the fact that the love of his life had nearly been killed as a direct result of a decision he had made?

He also felt pain, knowing he was never going to see Emily again. It wasn’t that he couldn’t, because her parents had already told him they understood the bond between himself and Emily and that no matter how much they blamed him, they’d never stop him from seeing her. Her father had actually said those words to Ronnie, and it had only made the pain worse. He’d seen the anger in the man’s eyes.

And then there was the fact that not only had he lost his relationship with Emily, he’d lost his best friend. There was no way Max was ever going to be able to look at Ronnie the same way after what he’d nearly done to Emily, and Ronnie knew that. There was no going back; no redemption from something like that.

“You’re right, I don’t. No one knows what you’re going through because you won’t fuckin’ talk,” Robert snapped right back before he grabbed Ronnie’s shoulder, turning him so that they were face to face with one another.

Neither of them said a word, the only sound between them their breath and the slight desert breeze. It was becoming chilly, though neither boy moved an inch to show discomfort.

“She needs you,” Robert finally said softly. “Grow a pair and go be with her.”

“She doesn’t fuckin’ need me, Robert. She doesn’t need someone who nearly killed her. That’s all I am, isn’t it? A would-be killer? A trainwreck that nearly stole her life? That’s what I am. She doesn’t need that.”

The despair in his voice was evident to Robert; so much so that it nearly made him take a step back. He’d known that his friend felt guilt for what had happened, that he felt tormented and hurt, but he hadn’t realized it went that deep.

“She didn’t die, Ronnie. She’s still alive. The doc says she’s gonna be out of the coma by Christmas, and released from the hospital in January if things go right. Go be with her. Things won’t be right for awhile, but—”

“No. I’m not going back,” Ronnie growled. “I can’t go back.”

Robert just sighed, arching his eyebrow before he took several steps back. He had tried, he thought to himself. He had tried to fix the situation, but it seemed that Ronnie didn’t want to fix it for himself. After all, there was only so much that Robert, or anyone else, could do. It was Ronnie’s decision on what path he was going to take now, and Robert feared that it wouldn’t be a good one. The look in Ronnie’s eyes was that of a man who’d lost hope. That never led to anything good for anyone.

“Just know that if you don’t go back; that if you don’t at least say goodbye to her fucking face, you’re not only hurting yourself, you’re breaking her heart,” Robert muttered under his breath before he turned to walk towards his car, not wanting to be around Ronnie anymore. This wasn’t the friend he’d known since high school. The Ronnie standing in the desert tonight had been someone completely different, and no matter what Robert had tried to convince Ronnie of, he was sure that Emily was better off not seeing Ronnie now.