Shattered Glass & Broken Hearts

“That was fucking insane, man,” Ryan Seaman was grinning from ear to ear as he and the rest of his bandmates walked backstage after the night’s show. They’d just finished their set, and it had been one of the most explosive crowds they’d played to yet.

“I can’t believe I still have fans out here,” Ronnie replied to his friend, also bearing a grin from ear to ear. “Hard to believe they stuck with me through all the shit.”

“They definitely love you,” Ryan agreed before his grin grew even wider when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. Ronnie chuckled as he pulled it out and quickly disappeared into the bathroom, pushing the door shut as he went inside.

“He’s whipped,” Jackie snickered before Ronnie arched his eyebrow at the British guitarist.

“Like Hanna doesn’t have you wrapped around your finger,” he smirked. “You’re both whipped.”

Jackie just rolled his eyes, wandering off on his own, probably to call or text his own girlfriend, Hanna, to let her know that their show was over. Everybody in the band had a girlfriend to call or text, sometimes join them on the tour for a few dates at a time. Everybody but Ronnie, anyway. It wasn’t that he was jealous of his friends, because he wasn’t. He was actually quite happy for them. Both Jackie and Ryan seemed to be in completely in love with their girlfriends.

He himself hadn’t had real ‘girlfriends’ in the last ten years. Sure, he’d dated people on and off. He’d had a lot of girls he’d bedded—he was, after all, Ronnie Radke and he’d had a bad reputation to live up to back before prison had straightened him out. He’d done everything imaginable to push himself as far away as possible from the one girl in the world that he really wanted and needed—Emily Green.

He hadn’t seen her since nearly ten years before and he was hell bent on making sure it stayed that way. Even now that he was sober, with all the bad things taken out of his life, she was better without him. He’d gotten updates here and there from people who knew her. Max, her brother, updated about her often on his blog and though Ronnie hated to admit it, he checked the site out from time to time.

“Hey, Ronnie, we’re hitting up the clubs, you coming or going back to the bus?”

“I think I’m gonna call it a night,” he called back to Ryan, who was still on the phone with Jocelyn as he waited for an answer. “Tell Joss I said hi.”

“Yeah, sure.”

And with that, Ryan was gone again, leaving Ronnie to himself. He couldn’t help but feel alone, even though he knew that was far from being true. He had friends, and he had family. He had so many different people now that cared for him, and then there were his fans, the fans who’d stuck by his side ever since his first album had been released.

But the kind of loneliness he felt wasn’t the sort that could be filled with any amount of booze, drugs, or wet and willing women. It was the kind of loneliness that settled over him only when he was thinking about Emily and how much he really missed her. She’d been the best thing that had ever happened to him, and she’d truly been the light to his darkened world.

You’re never gonna have her back, so you need to just get over her, a voice in the back of his head told him as he plopped down on a couch, swiping some of his dark hair out of his eyes before he closed them, allowing his mind to wander back to the days he’d known with Emily.

Ten years ago, she had been his inspiration for everything. He’d loved everything about her; found everything about her so amazing and beautiful. All he’d ever wanted back then was to be with her forever; to be everything to her that she was to him. He’d wanted to make her happy. He’d had so many dreams for their future, and he knew she’d felt the same way. He had known she loved him for him, and that she was happy with him.

So why had he gone and fucked all of that up?

That was a question that even Ronnie couldn’t answer. He didn’t know why he’d walked away from Emily that night. The only thing he could blame it on was his own stupidity and stubbornness. He’d known that Robert had been right that it would break her heart when she awoke to find him gone. And he’d known it would tear him apart, too. But back then, ten years ago, he’d honestly believed it had been for her benefit for him to walk away.

He’d been wrong. It had been a foolish decision made by a guilted kid. Sometimes now, he wished he could turn back time and stay by her side so that they could have a chance at a future with one another. But then, he remembered that he was the one who’d almost ended her life that Halloween night, and he was glad that he hadn’t had a chance to fuck her life up anymore than it already had been.

A sound at the door caught his attention and he looked up to see Derek standing there. He had a beer bottle in one hand, though Ronnie knew he wouldn’t be asked if he wanted one or not. His bandmates all knew he’d sobered up and he wasn’t planning on even drinking beer from now on.

“You okay, man?”

Ronnie nodded, forcing a smile on his face before he leaned back on the couch, trying to relax a little bit. He’d go out to the bus in a few minutes, but for now, he just wanted some time to himself.

“Just thinking,” he replied to Derek. “The rest of the guys out on the bus?”

“Yeah,” Derek nodded.

Neither man said a word before Derek cleared his voice, turning to face Ronnie before he walked out of the green room. “You know, we’re gonna be back in Hollywood in a few weeks for a show. The guys are all really excited. Ry and Jacky get to see their girls.”

“That’s right. I forgot we were gonna be headed back there soon,” Ronnie murmured, more to himself than to his friend.

Emily lived in Hollywood now. He knew that after she’d turned nineteen, she’d left Vegas because she and her parents had had a misunderstanding. Max had blogged about it, and when he’d talked to his old ‘friend’ a few years ago, he remembered hearing something about Emily moving out to Los Angeles.

He hadn’t realized she was living there when he’d chosen to get a house there, though when he’d found out, he’d been more than tempted to move somewhere else just to avoid running into her. Hollywood wasn’t a huge town, especially with the fact that he and Emily both still ran in the same kind of crowds. He’d been sure that the two of them were going to run into one another at some point; that they’d see each other somewhere, but so far it hadn’t happened.

Could be because you’ve either been in the studio or on the road since you moved to Hollywood, a voice in the back of his head snapped at him.

“Isn’t Max’s sister out there, too?” Derek asked softly, his eyes looking directly at Ronnie as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I don’t know,” Ronnie lied. “I haven’t talked to Emily in ten years. I don’t know where the fuck she’s at.”

“Well maybe you should find out,” Derek told him, nodding his head. “Ten years is a long time, Ronnie. A long time for a broken heart, and—”

“Don’t give me the lecture, Dere,” Ronnie cut his friend off with a halfhearted smile. “Everybody knows my heart’s broken. That’s old news. Probably can’t be fixed by now, so it’s best to just leave it to rest.”

Derek sighed, shaking his head before he walked further out into the hallway, once again leaving Ronnie to his thoughts.

He knew it was stubborn to look at it like that, but he couldn’t help himself. He truly didn’t see the point in going to see Emily again. Like Derek had reminded him, it had been ten years. A decade, and a lot could change in that amount of time. God knew he had. He couldn’t imagine that Emily would want to see him, anyway. Not after what he’d done to her. Hell, she probably hated him as much as Max did. He wouldn’t blame her if she did, of course. He deserved all the hate she could give him for what had happened. But that was perhaps what hurt Ronnie more than anything, knowing that he deserved to have the woman he loved hate him.