Darkness Within Light

[Author’s Notes:
***One: The sermon referred to in this chapter is actually from 2008. (Links to audio/transcripts posted at the bottom of the page.) Again, this is a fiction story so the characters mentioned in this story are fictional, even if remotely based off of real life people.
***Two: There is a YouTube playlist for Darkness Within Light and the songs listed here and throughout the rest of the story are on it. (Link to playlist is also at the bottom of the page) …Or just let me know and I can post the lyrics on the chapter. The songs chosen have very specific lyrics that are crucial to how the main character’s P.O.V. is developing]

We pulled up to a large building in the northern suburbs of DFW.

“This is it,” I breathed.

Zak slowly taxied around the lot, caught up in a parade of cars. “Where do we park?”

I pointed at a man waving orange batons in his hands, directing cars into spots. “Wherever he tells us.”

We finally parked and hiked back to the building. The building used to be a grocery store, so it doesn’t look like your typical mega-Christian-factory church building.

And honestly, this congregation is too raw to be one of those kinds of churches. Too gritty. The pastor there doesn’t tickle ears very well, so the fact that this church is as large as it is… well, that’s actually very unusual for down here in the Bible Belt.

I had been dragged to this church unwillingly by an old friend three years ago. It looked like every other put-on-your-pretty-face-and-pretend-everything’s-alright prissy churches from first glance. I was convinced at the time that my relationship with God through Christ was JUST fine without the help of a dumb church begging me for my money.

I was shocked after my first visit. The pastor is a former agnostic and is very open about talking through logic and apologetics (though he’s admitted that he would prefer that to be a one-on-one conversation over a coffee or a beer) and he has a very aggressive, sarcastic way about how he teaches.

In short… he probably offends “good fucking church people” every Sunday.

As we approached the front doors, a young woman dressed in a tailored dress-suit was holding the door open. She smiled at me, “Hey! It’s Desiree, right? I haven’t seen you in forever!”

I hadn’t become a "covenant" member until a couple months before I was laid off, so I never really was that engaged in the community there. I had my friends that I sat with, when I could, but I wasn’t officially plugged into a home group or anything like that.

Regardless, I re-learned what “Christian” means and finally understood the weight of it after I started visiting here. It’s vibrant and honest. I’d probably be back into my old habits by now if I hadn’t been led to this place.

Anyway… I knew this was one of the women that I had visited a home group with and had spent some time with here… however I could not remember what her name was. I just played it off with an “Oh! Hi! …yeah, I moved out of state and I’m back in town for the weekend.”

“That’s great. Listen; let me know if you need some company for lunch. There’s this new Pho restaurant that we’ve been dying to try.”

“Ok,” I mumbled as I walked past her.

We walked through the foyer towards the “sanctuary.” I heard my name from across the atrium. A girl with red and purple dreads, ripped jeans, and eight pieces of metal in her face was running towards me. “Hey!!!”
How do you forget someone like that? “Hey, Jade,” I said, giving her a hug.

“How’s Vegas?”

I shrugged. “It’s not too bad.”

“How long are you in town?”

“Just the weekend.”

She finally noticed Zak and raised an eyebrow, then focused her attention back on me. “That sucks! My band has a show Thursday night, I wish you’d have been able to come.”

She snagged my elbow and pulled me a couple steps from Zak, then did a quick sweeping glance to see if anyone else was around to listen and lowered her voice. “I’ve been talking with Steven about that thing… you know.”

I sighed. I turned to send Zak a reassuring smile, mouthing "just a second," before turning back to her.

“See we thought that you moving had something to do with that. Because remember, you disappeared after they… after they came to visit you.” Her green eyes were full of concern.

“No it didn’t. But yeah, it was kind of difficult to get out in public after that whole ordeal.”

She nodded, frowning. “Steven said they didn’t get rid of it.”

“Nope.”

I totally had my tough girl act on to keep the conversation as short and sweet as possible. Jade is such a laid back girl that I really don’t mind HER asking me about it, but she was only a year in on her faith so I wasn’t sure if she would be mature enough to accept that Steven and Caleb couldn’t release me from the demon. I didn’t need her to stress over it.

She surprised me with a “Well, it’s not like this thing is stronger than God. I just have been worrying about you, I don’t want you to get discouraged like I was.”

I smiled, relieved to hear this evidence of growth in her. I took the opportunity to break the topic and took steps back until I felt Zak's breath on my shoulder. “By the way, this is Zak.”

Zak looked relieved that I had finally brought him into the conversation. He reached out and shook Jade’s hand. “How’s it going?”

"Hi." She gave him a distant smile, then turned back to me. “Lets go grab seats before it fills up.”

This church just built a larger building two years ago because they had to turn people away from every service because of fire codes. And now, this building, which is twice as big, is starting to go through that as well, apparently.

Zak whispered to me as we walked. “Did I do something wrong? She didn’t seem to happy to see me.”

I shrugged. “She’s had a bad past with men, so who knows.” I laughed, “She actually is in therapy for it. She’s a real cool girl.” She really was a "recovering" feminist, which had started while she was trying to recover from multiple abusive relationships. She still really fights to trust men, so her reaction wasn't a surprise to me at all.

We sat about 8 rows back from the stage. I had a couple of people recognize me and would come say hello or wave from wherever they were seated, which made me feel more comfortable. I’m glad I’m not just a number in a place this big.

Steven came out onto the stage and delivered a greeting. He welcomed everyone and explained that everyone in that room is in one of two streams – either they’re a believer who is a member or a visitor there, in that case, they were more than welcome to join in communion… or they’re not a believer and either were tricked, dragged, or guilted into this room.

He went on to say that he was especially glad for that stream, and that this church is one that is never afraid to talk about tough questions, and they’ll never turn anyone away for asking them.

He then motioned to the chairs and said, “By the way, there is a hard black Bible underneath every one of your seats. Whether you’re a believer or not; If you do not have a Bible, please take that one home with you as our gift to you.”

I smiled at Zak as he raised his eyebrows at Steven’s speech. He reached under his chair and began thumbing through the pages.

“Of course if you want a nicer one, there is a lounge area out in the foyer, and that is where the Lost & Found is. You’re likely to find a fancy leather-bound one in there.

“Or if you just want to talk to someone or have a problem with anything you encounter today, that same area is where there will be men and women who are willing to talk with you, pray with you, whatever you need.”

He then began to roll through some announcements about events coming up and such. I watched Zak as he studied the little notecard sized piece of paper he got when we entered the sanctuary. One side had the church’s contact information and upcoming events, the back had the verses that would be discussed today and lines to take notes.

Steven took a couple steps back as he motioned for the worship team to come up on stage. I caught his eye and he nodded to me as he beckoned everyone to stand.

Zak was shifting nervously beside me, stuffing his hands down his pockets. I gently wrapped my hands around his left bicep and gave him a soft squeeze. “Relax, Konan.”

At this he removed his left hand from his pocket and hugged my shoulders, placing a kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll try.”

Steven walked off stage and Shane, the worship leader, took his place, holding an acoustic/electric rhythm guitar. Lacey, Caleb’s wife, took her place off to the side of Shane. She winked at me when she saw me. Also there were musicians for drums, keyboard, two more guitars, and bass all taking their places.

I smiled as I watched; Every single person looked like they came from a completely different walk of life. The lead guitarist looked like a middle-aged cubicle kind of guy, the other one looked like a clean cut suburbanite college kid. The bass player had a very artsy, borderline Jamaican look with his hair and his glasses. The keyboardist looked like she just got back from the Electric Daisy Carnival or maybe the Ultra Music Festival, and the drummer looked like he was about twelve.

Shane prayed over us and then began playing his guitar, “Let’s get ready to praise the Lord!”

Zak snorted a laugh, which made me giggle. Yeah that was a bit cliché.

Shane tapped a beat on his guitar and the worship team burst into an upbeat tune. I smiled. Zak was awkwardly rocking side to side beside me still, an unreadable look on his face.

[#26 on YouTube playlist "BrokenGraceEFINI - DWL"] O God of Our Salvation

As the song ended, Caleb walked out on stage and reiterated what Steven had already stated; He was so glad for those visiting, including non-believers.

He went on to talk about how he used to be in that boat and then launched into his sermon.

I really enjoyed the sermon. I barely looked over at Zak, however whenever I did he either looked indifferent or confused.

Not a problem to me. I don’t know what his belief system is at all, but I know better than to force mine. The only reason I talk about it at all is because I love it so much and it helps me make sense of things.

He went through the modern “death” of Christendom, comparing things like Saved By the Bell vs The Hills and Afternoon Delight vs Promiscuous Girl, allowing a light humor touch to state the brutal reality that Christendom doesn’t exist anymore.

“Now here’s the thing about culture. Culture has to have something pushing and pulling on it. There has to be something that pushes and pulls on culture. So in the place of Christiandom, I think there are two forces pushing and pulling on culture.

“The first one is the idea of relativity… It’s this idea that no truth fits on all people everywhere. I wish I could spend a lot of time on this today. We’ll eventually do this. This is a very, very, very silly idea.”

Zak sighed and threw his arm behind my chair and let a hand rest on my shoulder.

“And I’m not even speaking religiously; I’m just speaking philosophically. The moment you say that no one religion can have the truth, that all religions simply have a piece of the truth, you are claiming you have the knowledge that you say no one can have. You alone, as the relativist, see ultimate reality. You alone see how the universe works. You’re claiming the very thing that you’re calling Christians and Jews and Muslims arrogant bigots for. It’s silly.

“You can’t say there’s no truth, because that would have to be true, wouldn’t it?”

I felt him shrug. I nudged him and gave him a reassuring smile. Please don’t shut down, dude. The last thing I want you to be is offended.

“The other force that is pulling on culture is darker than relativity will ever be. You’ve got relativity pushing and pulling on culture, and then you’ve got religion pushing and pulling on culture. So you’ve got these two giant forces, and they’re the ones shaping, pushing and molding culture. So you may be going, ‘Did you just say that religion is darker than relativity?’ Absolutely. So then, ‘Well, aren’t you a pastor?’

“Well yeah... but here’s what I would contend. The gospel of Jesus Christ and religion are nowhere near the same thing, and the great bulk of American Evangelicalism is not gospel driven at all but religiously driven. I’ll try to explain exactly where I’m going here. There are fundamental differences between the teachings of Jesus Christ and how religions works itself out. So if I’m in a scenario where someone goes, ‘All religions are the same,’ I very quickly go, ‘You’re absolutely right.’ Because what I want to do is distinguish the gospel from religion. Because they really are that different.”

Zak leaned down to my ear and whispered, “Seriously?” It sounded like he was holding back a good deal of sarcasm.

I shrugged. Yes. But I already promised myself to keep my mouth shut and let him draw his own conclusions.

Caleb continued, “…In religion, if there was a mantra, it’s this, ‘I obey, therefore I’m accepted.’ That’s religion. Religion is, ‘There is this code to be followed, there is this morality to ascribe to, there are these things that I have to do. And if I do them, God will be pleased with me. And if I do not do them, God will not be pleased with me. So I obey, therefore I am accepted. So as long as I can do what’s right and avoid what’s wrong, the God will be pleased with me.’

"...Now, the gospel is completely different. Because at the center of Christian faith is a blood splattered cross. Because at the center of our faith is Jesus Christ going to the cross and having the wrath of God poured out on Him and absorbing it for us.

"So then, the mantra of religion is, ‘I obey, therefore I’m accepted.’ …the mantra of the gospel is, ‘I’m accepted, therefore I obey!’ That’s a fundamental difference in what the gospel is vs. what religion is. We don’t obey to get accepted. We’re justified by the cross of Christ, not by any of our actions.”

He went on to systematically break down the differences and then compounded on how Christ says the Gospel is to be built out, speaking of a gritty honesty and a freedom from having to hide from anyone or anything for fear of not being accepted.

It was very thought provoking. My brain hurt about halfway through, but despite my A.D.D. I stuck with him through the whole message.

After he wrapped up his sermon he prayed over us as the worship team came back out. Lacey took the center mic.

[#28] To the Cross I Cling

I sang along with Lacey and the other 1500 people in the room. I felt goosebumps spread over my arms, my face, down my spine, as I let one hand reach heavenward. She started into another song and I leaned my head against Zak’s shoulder, focusing on pushing a harmony out of my lungs to keep the emotions I was feeling from overwhelming me.

I felt him shudder against me.

Shit.

[#29] You are Faithful

As this song ended, I lowered my face to wipe the tears that had begun flowing. Zak gave me a raised eyebrow, asking “what’s wrong?” without saying anything aloud. I smiled and took Zak’s arm and wrapped it around my back, placing his hand on my waist and intertwined his fingers with mine.

“I’m fine,” I whispered to him. These were tears of joy in my beliefs… That I’m still accepted despite the fact that I suck at being what I’m called to be. I couldn’t ask to be in a better spot.

Shane stepped back up to the center mic and sped up the tempo and changing the key.

[#30] O Glorious Day

“Okay guys, I’m going to pray for us, and then when I say ‘amen” you are welcome to leave, but please do so very quietly so that those who need to stay and pray or do business in their hearts can be free to do that. Please just bow your heads with me.”

Zak hadn’t reacted much to the music, other than a foot tapping or a head nodding to the beat here and there. I figured this was foreign to him, and was fighting with the concept that I probably won’t see him again after this.

This church doesn’t play around with what it believes, and that can come across as very blatant and in-your-face to those that aren’t a part of it.

As we were dismissed, I sat down in my seat to gather my purse and notes from under my chair. Zak sat beside me, looking at the floor. I put a hand to his face and felt… was he shaking?!

“Zak, I didn’t mean to…”

He stopped me, shaking his head. “It’s okay. I just don’t understand.”

I pressed a kiss into his shoulder. “You don’t have to.”

He looked over at me as I stood up. “Do you mean that?”

While people were filing out of the sanctuary, Shane and Lacey began playing guitar and singing softly “You Hold Me Now.” [#31]

I took Zak’s arm, letting him lead us out into the foyer and out into the parking lot before responding to him.

“I mean, I could just get a Bible and beat you over the head with it, if that’s what you’d prefer.”

He laughed.

Once we were back on the road, I put a hand on his knee. “I’m sorry.”

He glanced over at me, “For what?” He had some inner turmoil going on but I wasn’t about to press him to find out what it was.

“Thank you.”

A small smile appeared on his face. “Of course, sweetie.” He took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “That was interesting.”

When I didn’t ask him to elaborate, he looked relieved.

“Whatchu want for lunch?”

I grinned. “Texas barbeque. There’s a Spring Creek BBQ just up the road.”

“Sounds good to me.”