All the Little Things.

I've managed to fill up the entire notebook. I guess I have a lot of time on my hands. But the last thing I've written, the last little thing in that book, was a series of letters that made up two words. Three letters in the first, nine in the second, making up twelve letters with a space somewhere in between. Leo Thornwood. Leo really changed my life, believe it or not. But who wouldn't believe it? He's Leo. And I love him, no matter how long I've known him. You don't get to tell me otherwise.



I really can't say that I expected that name to come up. But Leo never told me he had another brother. No, he didn't tell me he had another brother who was older than mark, and he never told me his brother was a fucking glass blower. One that made him blind, even. So now I'm upset. I'm upset and angry and distraught and I can't make any sense of all these feelings and emotions that are building up inside of me. So when I get back to Leo's loft, I slam the door shut and walk as fast as I possibly can into my room, shut the door, fall on my bed and scream into my pillow. I keep screaming and screaming, because how can someone do that? All these questions are running through my head, and I can't take not knowing the answers. Why didn't Leo tell me about his other brother? Was he trying to protect him? Why would Leo's own brother do something that could endanger not only Leo, but several other people? Leo couldn't possibly be the only one affected by the flying shards of glass. I realize that once the questions slow down, I stop screaming, and I notice the slight crack of an opening.

"Gemini?" I hear a quiet voice ask, coming from outside my room, when he walks in.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask him, my voice strangled and cracking.

"Because I was afraid something like this, or maybe worse, would happen,"

"How did you know I would do this, huh? How, Leo? Can you tell me that, or are you worried I'm gonna do something even worse?"

"Gemini," Leo says quietly, and his eyebrows are slightly furrowed, his gaze cast downward even though all he can see is black. I've hurt him.

"I was gonna tell you eventually, I was, but I was gonna wait till this didn't mattered anymore, till you accepted this,"

"Leo, I'm never going to accept this!" I exclaim, and right when it comes out, I want to take it all back, swallow it and never let it see daylight.

"Are you saying you'll never love me because I'm blind? Is that what you're saying?" Leo says lowly. My eyes water, and I see the tear he tries to hide by looking down.

"Leo, I-I didn't mean it like that, I swear," I say.

"No, I get it," Leo says, and then walks out of the room.

I'm so scared he's walked out of my life.



I don't think the pessimist in me ever left. I think she was just pushed away once Leo came because he brought such a light into my life. To my own surprise, I was really hoping she left. But I guess the world just doesn't work that way. I lost Leo. I drop by Dr. Kalani's one last time. He says this session's pro bono.

"What's going on, Gemini?" he asks me, and it's like I can't even hear him because I'm sitting on that yellow couch of his that makes me want to cry, and I feel empty. Even more empty than I was before, all because I was stupid and I lost the person I love the most.

"Do you want me to be honest?" I ask him, staring into space.

"That would be best, yeah," he says, his palms facing upward as if they're saying, "it's all up to you, really."

"I don't really know what's going on," and that really is my honest answer. "I mean, I can't believe I was so stupid. I can't believe I said something like that, it came out all wrong. I don't blame Leo for hating me. I don't blame him at all. It was all me, I was the one that screwed everything up. I stepped over the line. I feel like I've crushed Leo. I never should have said any of those things. I finally find someone that I love so much, who hopefully loves me back, and I lose him. I push him away with the pessimist I've finally accepted I am. I hate myself," I admit to Dr. Kalani. After a couple of minutes of silence, Dr. Kalani finally speaks up.

"Did you know that Leo started coming again?" he asks me, and I'm taken by surprise.

"What? Is Leo okay? Oh my god, this is all my fault. This is all my fault! Fuck!" I shout, and Dr. Kalani's having the time of his life, just laughing at me. I've gotten used to it.

"What?" I ask.

"Leo is fine," he says. "I mean, aside from the fact you tore his heart out and stomped all over it." He says sarcastically. Ah, there's the Dr. Kalani I know. I've also gotten used to not being offended by his bluntness and sarcasm.

"I guess he just needs someone to listen," Dr. Kalani continues, wiping stray tears from his eyes.

"What does he say?" I ask him quietly, even though I know that the things Leo says he should not release.

"You know I can't tell you that," he says, wagging his finger and shaking his head. "But I know that you want what's best for Leo and I know that you really care for him, so I'm making this one exception." I'm shocked beyond belief. Dr. Kalani really is fucking awesome. "Just hold on one second," he says, and he gets up and goes to his cabinets to dig up some tapes. He uses a tape recorder instead of notes because he says he "likes to hold on to every word."

"Ah hah!" Dr. Kalani exclaims to himself as he holds up a tape. He pauses my recording, ejects my tape, puts Leo's in, and pushes play.

"How do you feel, Leo?" I hear Dr. Kalani's voice asking. I start to cry once I hear Leo's voice. I haven't heard it in two and a half weeks, the time it took for me to fall in love with him.

"If I'm being honest..." His voice trails off. "I don't really know." Dr. Kalani pauses the tape.

"Your answers are identical," he says, and I hold a hand up to cover my choked sobs.

"I noticed," I finally say, trying to shrug nonchalantly but failing. He presses play, and the tape continues.

"I just... I miss her. As much as her words hurt, I miss her too much. I don't even know when I fell in love with her," Leo admits. I cry even harder. "It's weird not having her around. When someone drives me home and I find my way to my apartment, I expect her to open the door before I even get my keys out. I open the door to my guest bedroom and I expect her to be there, smiling the same beautiful smile I saw the first day we met, even though I can't see it. It's not even home anymore,"

"So what are you saying?" Dr. Kalani asks.

"I love her," and with that, Dr. Kalani shuts the tape off.