Confessions

For weeks it went on. Jesse would go to work and when James wasn't on the ice, he was in bed, Alana there every time.

The kisses were rough, the touch was gentle and her screams were loud. The pleasure unlike what she was used to experiencing. He knew what he was doing and it made everything that much more blissful.

"God you just--"

"Stop talking" she said placing her finger on his lips, "I have an hour, make it worth my while"

The rush, the excitement and the secretive nature of their relationship was fun for both of them but now things were getting better with Jesse. Dates, unexpected I love you's and flowers every now and again. The guilt built up every day and each time she saw James she buried it. But the pile got higher and it got harder to hide.

She had no clue what she was doing anymore and it was getting more real.

"You okay baby?" Jesse's green eyes were wide and he had a small smile on his face.

I sat on the couch and looked away from my phone smiling at him and letting out a sigh, "I'm perfect"

He looked down at whatever work he was doing and she kept her eyes on him. His thick rimmed glasses kept sliding down his nose, which he kept pushing up every few seconds. He wrinkled his nose and ran a hand through his light brown shaggy hair. She stood up and stood in front of him, just in one of his long t-shirts. He looked up at her and took his glasses off, revealing those green eyes she first fell in love with, "I love you, you know that, right?" she asked. He nodded, "Of course, are you sure you're okay?"

She sat on his lap and brushed his hair out of his face, "I'm perfect, like I said" she kept her eyes on him, and there was a feeling in the pit of her stomach. The guilt was showing again, and she was hoping he couldn't see it.

"Kiss me" she said quietly.

"Baby, you're scaring me"

"Then kiss me"

He didn't protest and dropped his glasses using both hands to hold her head and kiss her. She snapped and she grabbed onto him like her life depended on it. Then that feeling in her stomach hit again, only this time it wasn't guilt. She pulled away for a moment and put her hand over her mouth and ran to the bathroom, "Alana?" he came behind her and she felt a hand on her back and then he was next to her. He placed his hand on her cheek and then forehead, "You're not warm"

Suddenly the worst popped into her head and she felt her stomach turn again and she threw up. This was only one of the signs, what if there was more. It couldn't have happened already, could it?

"I'm sure it's just a bug. Go to work, I'll be okay, I promise"

"You're sure?"

An hour later he was out the door and she decided to go to the clinic. After a while of waiting she was finally able to see a doctor.

"Hello Alana, how can I help you"

"I think I might be pregnant but--"

"Why didn't you take a test?"

"Because if I am...I need to know how far along I am"

He sighed and nodded, "I won't ask, but I'll help you as best as I can"

Test after test was run and as predicted there was a baby in there, but the final test would reveal whether this was something that could make or break her relationship with her husband. Who at this point was all she thought about.

The door opened and the verdict sat in his hands. She took a breath and listened intently, "Alana it seems you have been pregnant for almost six weeks"

"Six weeks?"

He nodded, "Good or bad?"

She shrugged, "I don't know yet. Thank you doctor for doing this, it's really appreciated" she shook his hand and he smiled as she left and looked at her phone and texted James We need to talk

The relationship she had with James was complicated. She loved how he made her feel. When she no longer wanted to think about Jesse, he was there to help her forget. Now she didn't want to forget.

She was starting to change her mind.

She met James at his place. She felt better telling him in private in case things got heated.

He let her in and leaned in for a kiss but she turned her head and gently shook her head. He could see she had her rings on and he knew something was off.

His eyes didn't sparkle like they did when they first met and his smile, although beautiful, wasn't as dazzling as she first knew it. The longer she knew him, the more...normal he became. Beautiful, but no longer superhuman.

The passion was dying, every time she looked at him.

"There's something I need to tell you"

"Okay"

He looked nervous, which wasn't helping her nerves, which wasn't helping her stomach. She never wanted to hurt him. She never wanted to hurt anyone. When you get yourself into this kind of relationship, eventually someone gets hurt.

I just have to say it. Just say it

"I'm pregnant"

His eyes widened and he took a step back. She wanted to see his reaction before she told him anything else. She needed to know what it meant.

"Alana...I can't" he finally said.

A flood of relief washed over her and she took a deep breath, "That's okay"

"It's...okay?"

She nodded, "James I'm six weeks pregnant"

"Okay...?" he wasn't doing the math and she shook her head. Now she knew she was making the right decision, "It's not yours" she said in a firm tone, "You're off the hook"

He took a deep breath and sat down for a minute, "Why did you do that?"

"James this has to end. We have nothing left. There was never anything there"

"I understand" she was taken aback by his reaction and she raised an eyebrow, "Really?"

"At first you were..." he paused for a moment trying to find the right word, "addictive. There was something about you that I couldn't get away from. But it died off because--"

"There were no feelings"

"You're finishing my sentences again"

She laughed and shook her head, "You're predictable I guess"

"Have you told him?" he looked over at her with a bit of a nervous look, chewing on the inside of his cheek.

She shook her head, "Negative. I wish it was easy to just not tell him and forget it ever happened, but our relationship has been rocked by mistakes and lies, one more could ruin it down the road. I won't do that to my kid"

"You're a good person Alana, just made bad choices"

"Likewise"

He nodded and she wrapped her arms around him, "I'm sorry"

He shrugged and pulled away, "I'm not, it was fun" she laughed and playfully shoved him.

They finished their goodbyes and Alana took herself home, resting her hand on her stomach now and then. The words ran through her head a thousand times. How do I tell my husband I cheated on him?

She sat at home, laying in wait for Jesse to get home from work. He had texted her and let her know he would be late.

It was 9:30 before he walked through the door and her entire body froze.
Jesse immediately recognized his wife's discomfort and was next to her in a second, "Everything okay?"

"No"

"Talk to me"

"You're going to hate me"

"Okay Alana, now I'm scared"

"Okay. I have two things to tell you. One is good news and the other is bad news. Which one do you want first?"

To the deadly sin we confess, tears of joy fill our eyes

"Bad news" he said, "Because it can only go up from there"

She took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair, "The other night we got into a fight, about three weeks ago" he nodded and she continued, "I went out to a bar because I desperately needed a drink. It's what I always do after we fight but..." her voice was trailing and breaking, "This is really hard for me to do. I just don't want to lie to you anymore"

"Lan, baby, it's okay. I could never hate you"

"I met someone" his eyes narrowed and his grip loosened on her hands.

"You met someone" he was taking shorter, faster breaths now, "It's over" she said before she could do anything else, "All of it's over. It was nothing. It meant nothing because I love you"

"So you--"

"Yes. And I'm sorry. Please yell at me, do something. But I can't let our relationship be lies. I wasn't going to live with this for years, I can't do that"

"Fuck Alana, you have to make it all so difficult don't you?"

"I know" she said quietly, in almost a whisper, "But you and--you're the reason I ended it"

"What's the good news?" he asked ignoring her comment, "The good news is related to this somehow, it has to be"

She nodded, "I'm pregnant"

"How is that good news?"

"Because a baby is the reason we got married in the first place Jesse"

"I'm not raising a child that you made with someone else" she clenched her teeth together and stood up. She took his face in her hands, "Look at me" she demanded but he pulled away, "Jesse LOOK at me!" she raised her voice this time and it caught his attention, "This baby is six weeks old. This baby is yours" a light sprang in his eyes.

"Mine?"

She nodded, "Yours"

"How can I trust you?"

She shrugged, "You can't, but I'll do everything I can to earn it back"

"Who was it?"

"Why does that matter?"

"Because it just does"

"He's just a hockey player, his name is James"

"Neal?"

Her eyebrows raised, "How did you know?"

"We live in Pittsburgh, he's the big name all over the city Alana"

She didn't reply and he shook his head, "I don't know if we can just go back to normal after what you told me"

"Excuse me?"

"Alana, I love you, but I need to get my head straightened out and I need to decide if we really can do this anymore"

"You want a divorce?"

"Like I said, I don't know"

"I just told you I'm having your baby"

"And you also just told me you've been sleeping with someone else behind my back. I'm sorry, it's just a bit overwhelming right now. I'm sorry" he grabbed his keys and left the house, and the door shutting behind him rang in my ears.

--

One year, 6 months later

Alana stood in line with her year old boy on her hip, with a penguins jersey her father bought for him. Her father stood next to her, sporting his own Penguins jersey. They made it to the front and three Penguins players sat in front of her. Marc Andre Fleury, Matt Niskanen and James Neal. They were doing an off season signing and charity event.

She hadn't seem him in over a year. He sat in the middle between the two of them and looked up and he had to take a second glance, "Alana?"

"Hey" she smiled and he looked over at the boy in her arms, "This is--"

"This is Jesse Wright Jr." she told him, "And this is my dad" she pointed to the man next to her already working his way through the players.

"And where is--"

"Divorced about six months ago"

He sighed, "I'm sorry Alana"

She shrugged, "We were doomed from the beginning. Not your fault"

He looked up at Jesse and smirked, "He got your eyes"

She nodded, "About the only thing he got from me. The rest of him is all Jesse"

"He's beautiful"

"Thank you"

He stood up and leaned across the table, signing the jersey on Jesse, "I'm sure he'll love it when he can understand what it means"

He laughed, "I hope so. Hopefully I'm still here when he does"

"Hopefully"

My dad got his signings and pictures with Jordan and Tyler and James was last, "Picture?" she asked him, "Might give something for Jesse to know of you if you're not here in a few years"

He laughed again, "I'd love to"

___________________________________________________

Sometimes your feelings mistake you. Emotions get in the way. When you think you're missing out because you settled early, it's not always true and then things get complicated.

Real life rarely has a fairy tale ending. We make mistakes that ruin good things and we realize good things when it's too late. But good things do come out of it sometimes, even if you don't get the guy.

Lessons get learned and stories get written, but what's the ending of one thing doesn't mean it's the end of the world. It just means another door is in the process of being built and it will open when the time comes and it could change things forever.