The Road Less Traveled

I pull out of the driveway of my house, sighing softly and nursing the cup of coffee in my left hand as I drive with my right. Traffic has yet to get heavy as the sun hangs low over the horizon, just barely beginning its ascent into the sky. I'm not usually an early morning person, but recently I haven't had much luck sleeping.

I head straight out of the city and into the country, and since I live on the outskirts, it doesn't take long for me to be surrounded by fields and dirt roads. I turn down one that I've never taken before; one that seems almost overgrown by trees and shrubs.

I drive quietly down the single lane back road, the air whipping into the car through the open windows as I watch the sun rise in the sky in front of me. Pinks and purples splash across my vision, but I don't see the beauty in the heavens above. All I can see is the pain ricocheting throughout my body.

Five years ago today was the worst day of my existence, which is why I'm taking this drive through the country; trying to gather myself and prepare for the day ahead.

Early morning on that fateful day, I was woken by a most terrible pain low in my stomach and got out of bed to find that I was in the process of miscarrying my child. Horrified, I broke down; it was almost as if my own life was ending. And in a sense, it was.

After I lost the baby that I had found out only the previous week was going to be a girl, everything in my life ground to a halt. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I lost a lot of weight and became scarily skinny. I didn't see any of my friends, I didn't hardly speak... My entire life did a 180 and that has yet to change.

I cruise at a somewhat unsafe speed down the road, dust from the dirt on the sides of it flying out behind my tires as tears cloud my vision. Quiet sobs echo from deep down in my throat; that, and the crunch of the tires being the only noise to break the deep silence. Sometimes, when I'm left alone for long periods of time, I find myself drifting off into daydreams of what my life could, and would, have been like if I'd been able to carry my little girl to term. But none of the things I've ever envisioned will ever come true.

I'll never hear her laugh, I'll never see her smile. She'll never take her first steps and she'll never start school. She won't play, she won't come to me with a boo-boo, and she won't ever get to have a birthday party. So many things she and I will never get to experience.

The scenery whizzes past me as I hiccup loudly from my crying, my entire body trembling as the passenger seat next to me starts to shimmer. I look over at it in awe to see the shape of a little girl start to materialize out of thin air.

The girl has soft brown hair that falls in waves around her head and startling hazel eyes. An angelic smile plays over her lips as she grins up at me, a glow emanating out from all around her. She looks to be no more than four years old and looks startlingly like I did when I was little, but there are subtle differences in our features.

"Wh-what..." I whisper, staring down at her with wide eyes.

An adorable giggle, one that sounds almost like wind chimes, sounds from between her lips as she reaches over and places her hand onto my arm, "Hi, mommy."

"M-mommy?" I ask, swallowing quietly and feeling my heart race against the inside of my chest. "Wh-who are you?"

"I'm your baby," she answers immediately, giggling that adorable giggle again and folding her hands back into her lap. "You never named me, so I don't go by anything except Angel number 3,323 right now. But if you name me, that's what I'll be called forever."

"Lucy," I say so quietly that it's almost inaudible, but she vigorously nods her head and I know that she heard me. I inhale shakily and turn back to face the road, swallowing thickly as my mouth goes dry at the sight in front of me. "Your name is Lucy."

A large tree looms just in front of the car and I know without a doubt that I am going to run directly into it. The last words I hear are that of my daughters, "I've come to bring you home, mommy."

Then everything goes black.

When I wake, everything around me shines with a faint golden light. I groan quietly, though I feel no pain, and shakily sit myself up, reaching up and placing a hand to my forehead. A bright blue summer sky hangs overhead, with lush green grass giving me a soft place to rest. The smell of flowers fills the air and birds sing from high up in the trees.

I look around in confusion and see a swing set no more than ten feet away from me. On the center swing sits a little girl, no more than four years old, watching me closely with a happy smile splayed over her lips.

When she sees me catch sight of her, a happy giggle springs from her lips as she lurches out of her swing, toddling over to me and flinging her little arms around my neck in a tight embrace. When her little body touches mine, everything comes flooding back and I immediately know that this is the little girl that appeared to me in the car; my daughter, Lucy.

I wrap my arms around her little waist and hold her close to me, tears springing to my eyes at finally being able to hold her in my arms. Sniffling quietly, I whisper close to her ear, "I missed you, baby girl."

"I missed you, too, mommy," she mumbles, pulling back out of the hug just enough to grin up at me. "But it's okay, we're together now."