Fall Away

I barely slept that night, too busy tossing and turning and trying to sort through all the thoughts flying through my head. I could still feel Finnick's lips on mine, feel his hands in my hair and running down my spine as he pulled me flush against him, but I could also hear Adri's words still ringing in my ears: "Maybe I'm getting tired of being your husband."
I pulled my pillow over my face, as though that would do anything to protect me from my own thoughts. It was getting harder and harder for me to even remember why we got married, in retrospect. Sure, the two years we'd had together in District 1 together had been smooth sailing, but what good was any of that if we couldn't make it through hard times together?
But we had, hadn't we? I frowned into the pillow, pulling it down to my face to hug it tight against my chest as I tried to figure everything out, like there was some concrete answer just waiting to be put together. We'd made it through the first Hunger Games together, back when we'd barely known each other. He had tried to kill himself for me. Hadn't he? Maybe he wasn't thinking clearly, or he'd just done it because he felt bad about seeing me die. He'd said he loved me, but love was difficult. Even if he loved me, that didn't guarantee he was ready to spend the rest of his life with me.
And hadn't Finnick been there with me every step of the way? When I'd gotten out of the arena, he'd stayed by my side for weeks, just waiting for me to wake up and keeping an eye on me, yelling at the nurses whenever they did something wrong. Even though he must have known President Snow would force a marriage on me and Adri, he still stayed.
I started to crawl out of bed, about to tiptoe into Finnick's room to apologize for having asked for so much of him since the day we'd first met, but I quickly decided against it. Seeing him now would only make things harder for both of us.
I remembered my last conversation with my mother before the Games, back when I'd gone in to visit her at the hospital. It had been one of her better days; she'd been sitting on her bed, a calm smile on her face as she held my hand tight in hers. On her good days, she was hardly different from what I'd imagined her to be before she'd been taken away; nurturing, warm, always smiling and listening with the utmost care. On her good days, the only sign that anything was wrong was when her memory spotted out.
"How's...oh, I'm so sorry, dear, what's his name?" She'd asked.
I shook my head, refusing to let her apologize. "Adri's fine. He sends his love."
"Where is he?"
"He's running a few errands. He didn't want to intrude," I'd explained.
"I hope you don't mind my asking, darling, but are you two..." she paused, frowned. "really happy?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, though I knew exactly where this was going.
"I know President Snow is the reason you two got married," she reminded me. Despite all the things that slipped her mind, she never seemed to forget the important things -- the dark memories I wished she would forget.
"We're happy," I said, carefully keeping my reply brief.
"Happy now and happy forever are two different things. When you don't get to choose your own husband..." she'd sighed and squeezed my hand a little tighter then. "I just want you to know, you don't need to be afraid of President Snow any longer. There's nothing more he can do. You and...oh, what's-his-name, you both finished the Games. He can't touch you anymore. If you want to move back to District 4, you can. Life's too short not to take what you want and be with who makes you truly happy."
I smiled up at my mother, touched by how hard she still tried to take care of me despite all the obstacles separating us. "Thanks, Mom. I love you."
She'd raised an eyebrow, noticing that I hadn't directly answered her. "At least promise me you'll keep that in mind."
"Fine, fine. I promise."
Two weeks later, I'd found out I was going back into the arena.
-x-
After a fitful night's rest, I rolled out of bed and pulled on my clothes. Today was the day we would be rated, and then tonight we'd have our televised interviews. My stomach churned at the thought of having to do this whole thing over again, especially since all the other victors had had much more time to win over the hearts of the Capitol in all their years as mentors, but I knew I had to do this.
Finnick was already seated at the table when I came out, and his face lit up as he saw me, though his expression dampened considerably when he saw the nervous look on my face. "What can I do?" he asked, not even needing to ask if something was wrong before immediately offering to help.
I couldn't help it -- I smiled, always amazed at how selfless he was. I'd used to think he was just a flirt, an arrogant player, back when I'd heard of him in District 4. That was what everyone thought of him as. It made me sad to realize how wrong they were. "Nothing, unless you can get me another 8 hours of sleep," I said, feigning my nerves as exhaustion.
He relaxed visibly, relieved to hear it was just lack of sleep. "Well, if you want to come join me in my room, I think you'd find my bed's much more comfortable," he said, fixing me with a look.
Okay, maybe he was just a little bit of an arrogant player. "That's not sleeping!" I said, cheeks flushing red.
"We could sleep after. That way, you'd get nice and tired out first."
I reached for the nearest glass of water, chugging as much of it as I could to avoid replying to him. He laughed, watching me carefully as he popped another piece of a cinnamon roll into his mouth.
"The offer still stands, whenever you want to take me up on it," he said with a shrug once I'd set down the now empty water glass.
"What time do the interviews start?" I asked, though I already knew the answer. I was desperate for a change in subject.
"Seven o'clock tonight. Leaves us with lots of time." He winked.
"You are impossible to distract," I noted with a frown.
He just laughed and settled back in his chair, watching me with an amused smile but saying nothing more on the subject for the rest of breakfast. And, amazingly enough, I forgot about all the things on my mind for as long as he was around.