Something to Remember

JOHN:

I couldn’t comprehend anything except Sarah’s pleading gaze. I stared at her and she gripped my arms tighter. All she wanted was for me to say something and make things better but I was frozen. How could she know about Rainer?

My eyes fell on Zac and I felt the edges of my vision turning a hazy red. Who did he think he was, barging in and getting between us then deciding to stand there with his arm around Sarah, pretending like he was protecting her? No, I had had enough of his game already.

“You need to leave right now, you son of a bitch.” I had stepped closer to them and Sarah looked at me in shock.

“What? John this is between you and me.” She gently tugged on my t-shirt and I looked at her, softening my expression.

“If you really believe that then you must realize how wrong he is, how seriously he’s overstepped his boundaries,” I said, practically begging her to understand. She looked confused but Zac soon spoke up.

“I’m not at fault here, I merely found out important information and told Sarah, something you should have done a long time ago. She deserves to know, especially since this concerns another girl.” He talked so righteously, I felt like punching him in the neck.

“You’re right, I should have told her sooner and I was planning to, but now I will never get the chance because you are such an arrogant dick. As for that ‘another girl’ shit, don’t even act like you know my situation because you don’t. Mary got pregnant four years ago when I was completely hammered at a party. It was long before I even met Sarah and after that night we only kept contact for my son’s sake. So yes, I have a child who means a whole hell of a lot to me but so does Sarah and I don’t appreciate you thinking you can just act like this and take her away from me. I love her, more than you or she will ever know, and if you think that I’m just going to let her get away again, then I’m sorry but you’re fucking wrong.” When I finished, I let out a deep breath and looked at Sarah, hoping that she wouldn’t be angry.

“I don’t get how you think you can just treat Sarah like this, y-” Zac began to mouth off at me but I was still holding Sarah’s gaze. She didn’t look as upset and I was beginning to breathe regular again. She cut him off after a moment and I grinned.

“Zac, please stop.” He looked at her in shock and she unwrapped his arm from around her neck.

“Sarah…”

“No, I think John is right on this one, this doesn’t include you. Thank you for telling me, I know you are only trying to protect me but I think it’s time you let my boyfriend and I talk alone.” As I listened to her speak, I felt myself smiling wider and wider. I could tell Zac was pissed just by the way is knuckles were turning white.

“Fine, I’ll see you later.” He turned around and stormed off before Sarah had the chance to respond. When she turned back to see my smug expression though, she shook her head.

“Stop, John. This isn’t ok,” she whispered and looked up at me hesitantly. It was a strange side of her. I was used to her temper and her screams but this time was different. She was acting almost defeated and the smile on my face quickly melted.

“I know.”

I stared at her in silence and waited for her to respond.

“Why didn’t you just tell me, John? You got so mad when you found out about my parents but you’ve had a kid since we met and you never told me. It doesn’t make sense,” she said, still speaking quietly. To be honest, the fact that she was still calm scared me. Had I finally pushed her too far? I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her for good.

“Baby, I know. I’m so sorry, but I was always afraid that I’d scare you away and that you wouldn’t be ready to handle something like this. I mean, the only other people that know are my family and the guys.” I looked at my shoes and shoved my hands in my pockets. They sounded like lame excuses and I knew it.

I hadn’t told her because it was easier not to, and that was the truth. Everything had been so wonderful; I was terrified of messing it up by bringing Rainer into the mix. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Rainer more than my life and I was not ashamed of him for a moment, but I knew it would be hard for Sarah. It would be hard for anyone, so I had continued to sneak away to see him like I did ever since he was born.

“John, when I say I love you, I mean it and that’s not going to change because you have a son. I’m not angry, so don’t think I am because although I was at first, I’m not anymore. Right now, I’m just disappointed that you don’t trust me enough. I’m not promising it would be easy for me, but I think I deserve the chance to try, John. That’s all I could ever ask for, a chance.”

As I absorbed her words, I realized how wise they were. She had managed to twist all I had originally thought around and I was finally seeing things in a new way. It was funny the way she could do that, get me to see her side of the situation so easily. I thought back to so long ago when Jared drove me home from the emergency room. He had told me that Sarah and I balanced each other out and I was finally realizing what he meant. Although we would scratch and kick sometimes, we always found a way back because we needed each other. She was the best part of me and that wouldn’t ever change.

The idea of her meeting Rainer suddenly seemed brilliant. She was so gentle and kind and beautiful, she would be a perfect mother one day. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t considered that earlier. Stepping so I was just inches away from her face, I leaned down to meet her gaze from the same level.

“I do trust you. I trust and love you completely babe. That’s the truth and if you’re still willing, I’d like to introduce you to my son because I plan on having both of you around for a very long time. ”
I spoke in a quiet voice and watched Sarah’s expression slowly soften as she began to smile tenderly at the thought of him.

“What’s his name, John?”

I could feel the beaming grin spread across my face. He was one of the few things I had done right in my life.

“Rainer,” I whispered.

Sarah grabbed my hand and leaned her back against the wall. She slowly slid down until her butt hit the ground and I followed her lead. She had her knees pulled up to her chest but I sat with my legs crossed. I heard her sigh as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Rainer.” She repeated it, almost noiselessly, and gave my hand a squeeze. I squeezed her’s back and she lifted her head to kiss my cheek.

“Beautiful name,” Sarah said and I smiled wider before kissing the back of her hand.

“I picked it out. Mary and my brothers thought it was stupid but I liked it. I thought it was different, not boring and regular like all the names they suggested,” I said and she chuckled.

“No, I agree. It’s unique yet likable. Just like his father.”

I bumped her shoulder before turning my head to look at her again.

“So is that a yes then? Will you meet him?”

“You couldn’t stop me if you tried O’Callaghan,” she said, winking at me, and I smiled. Her knowing was an incredible feeling, like there was nothing holding us back anymore.

“Good.” I practically grunted it and we both looked up when we heard footsteps coming down the hallway.

“Where have you guys been? We have to do sound check and then get dinner. The show starts in three hours!” Pat crossed his arms, stopping in front of us. I hoisted myself off the ground and gently helped Sarah up too.

“Ok.” I smiled and Pat seemed to freeze in shock.

“Wait what? No, sarcastic remark or eye rolling?” He looked between the two of us before slowly smiling himself.

“She knows. You told her, didn’t you? She knows!” He began to bounce up and down and I felt Sarah shake with silent laughter.

“Yeah she does, now please lead the way to the stage before I hit you.” I groaned when Pat didn’t move from the spot.
“Thank god! He’s been talking about telling you for weeks, Sarah, sounding like a baby. ‘Should I tell her, what if she hates me? What if she thinks I’m a man whore? What if blah blah blah’ drove us all crazy,” he whined and Sarah looked at me in surprise.

“Well, I’m glad he finally got over it and told me. I’m sure he’s a wonderful father,” she said, looking even happier knowing I wasn’t planning on hiding Rainer from her forever. I kissed her forehead and she sighed.

“Alright, let’s get going then! This is going to be the best tour ever!” Pat hugged both of us before skipping away down the hallway with Sarah and I following. Our hands swayed between us, still interlocked and I felt honestly happy. Everything was finally falling into place.

*******************

Ten minutes until we were set to go on stage and I was watching Sarah perform. She looked gorgeous and sounded gorgeous and I was freaking out because she was just so perfect and I was such a loser. It didn’t make sense why she was with me, why was I even considering this? I turned around and set my beer down.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” I grabbed the roots of my hair at the back of my neck and Garrett patted me on the shoulder.

Jared walked over with his guitar strapped to his back and I sent him a look.

“Dude I’ve never seen you like this before, just chill. You know Sarah, this is gonna turn out fine,” He said and I scoffed at him when he shrugged.

“Oh yeah, because I do stuff like this all the time.” I shook my head and he laughed.

“Whatever man, you’re the one who said you were sure you wanted to do it.”

I flicked him off and stood in anxious silence until Through the Dark came running off stage. Jack grinned at me and Ryan high-fived me while Tyler slapped my ass. Zac nodded to me as a sign that he was cool after the apology I had offered during sound check. We had both agreed on a truce, for Sarah’s sake. Sarah looked confused at all the encouragement her band was giving me but nevertheless gave me a kiss before pushing me onto stage.

As I set myself up in front of the microphone, I took a deep breath. What the hell had I gotten myself into?