Coming Back Down

I watched the light as it seeped through the holes in the heavy curtain. Usually I would be sleeping at this time of day but for whatever unknown reason, I couldn't. I was tired as hell. But I couldn'tkeep my bloody eyes shut and turn my mind off. There are other methods that work better for that than tossing and turning in bed like a freak. It gets annoying listening to the squeaking, which just brings unwelcomed thoughts. I was fucking tired, I didn'twant to think about the meaning of creaking beds for fuck’s sake.

This mindless complaining to myself was no help, though. So I untangled myself from the covers and fought my way out of bed. Groaning, I stretched to soothe my aching muscles. I’ve been having some trouble with sleeping lately. Luckily I have my meds for that. Weed, meth, cocaine… it all had the wondrous ability to clear my mind.

I picked up my clothes from the floor to put them on over my shaking body. It was still pretty chilly though winter had passed. It’s warmer when the sun’s out though, which is what gave me the will to sneak my way past the filled house and out into the day. Dad didn't like it when I went out when it was bright. But lately I found it relaxing. It was a bit harsh on the eyes and senses but it was different. It was a nice change every once in a while.

I didn’t go far from home. Going further would’ve been safer but I didn’t have the strength. I just wanted to close my eyes and relax. People passed me, giving me wary glares but for me they didn’t even exist. Finishing with wrapping my joint, I just took a big drag of it and closed my eyes to the burning sun. I could feel the soothing feeling of the smoke filling every corner of my lungs and I held it there as long as insanely possible before slowly letting it drift from between my lips.

I leaned back against the building and slowly calmness spread through my body to numb me. All the sounds of a city during the day blurred into a distanced murmur and I became nothing but another part of the sun’s warmth. I never understood why dad didn’t like the day. It is louder and more crowded on the streets but it’s nice… There must be some kind of bad to it though. My father was a smart man. He knew what he was doing.

All too soon my joint was smoked out and I had to open my eyes to make another. All the brightness stung but luckily I’ve been doing this almost my whole life. I could do it with squinting through one eye. I loved the simplicity of it. It was sweet and made you feel light. Sweet and light like the music Blade would play when we were alone. I’m the only one he plays music for. Some other guy had walked in on us one day and Blade had bashed the guitar over his head. The guy never said the word guitar or music after that. I think he’s gone now though. Haven’t seen him around. He probably did something wrong and dad got rid of him. He’d actually had a few warnings from time to time but dad had said he was good for business because he was fast. I could agree with that. If he wanted someone, he’d have his hands in your pants in no time.

He’d never done much wrong around me though, unlike that red-head a few years back. He’d had some magazine with weird pictures. Not of people but of weird imaginary places without any buildings, grass that went up to your waist… or so much water that it connected with the sky. Dad didn’t want anyone to obsess about things that other people cam e up with without proof. He also said that it was like a disease and could take over your mind so he beat him up on the spot. I never found out if the guy died because of that or because dad finished him off later.

No one else ever had those kind of pictures with them. That’s how it should be though. I mean, why pretend and dream about something like it exists when it doesn’t. But a lot of the guys babble nonsense when they’re high. Especially Dom. He often talks about this thing where parents send their children off to to live with other kids and people who teach you stuff. Crazy. what kind of people would do that? Dad taught me everything I knew , along with Blade and the rest of the family.

Family is important. That’s why I hate not doing what they say, but sometimes it’s just too tempting. Like the sun, which almost had me asleep right now. Something touched me though. At first, I didn’t care enough and just told whatever it was, to go away. I got kicked then, so I tried to peer up at the person who then stepped in front of the sun, leaving me in the shade.

“Boss is looking for you, boy. Get going home,” he said and I could tell by the voice that it was Zar. My sight was a bit hazed so I missed the hand he was reaching out to help me up. He said something as he dragged me to my feet but I was too exhausted to concentrate on his muttered words. I tried to protest when he took my joint but he was stronger than me

We’re home faster then I realized and dad appeared next to me, gripping my shoulder tightly.

“Where were you?” he demanded, pulling me from Zar’s grasp.

“He wasn’t far, boss,” Zar tried to help me but dad sent him away.

“I can’t sleep,” I complained to him and rubbed my eyes. He sighed, looking down at me with those grey eyes. My dad is actually pretty young still. He was 19 when I was born and only and only has a few grey hairs now but still looks young. Even though I had light brown hair, his was dark. Almost black, but not quite. Others thought it was, but I knew it wasn’t. I knew him better than they do.

Kissing the top of my head, he led me back to my room, promising I would be able to sleep soon. I sat down on the bed and just watched him as he got some pills out of the back of the top right drawer of my closet and crushed them. All the while casually smoking a normal cigarette. I didn’t know why he liked them, when they didn’t have any kind of effect.

He mixed the powder into a cup of something and handed me the drink. I did, aware that snorting it would’ve been faster but there are things you just don’t snort. After helping me undress, dad got into bed with me, but he stayed clothed. I held him tightly, as I curled up against him, closing my eyes. His fingers trailed softly along my bare back as he leaned down to kiss me, whispering, “Sweet dreams, baby.”

I nuzzled closer to him in response and he stayed with me, trailing light kisses over my face.

///

It didn’t last for long though. I woke up feeling sick to the stomach what felt like only minutes later. But dad was gone, so it had to be longer. I blinked, breathing deeply and swallowing heavily to keep the contents of my stomach down. I realized that it was dark in the room now, no sunlight at the window. It became too hot and stuffy in the room though, so pulling on my jeans and hoodie, I hurried out.

Now that it was dark outside, I didn’t have to worry about sneaking out. Which was good because I didn’t think I could hold it for that long. Some guys called out to me on my way but I ignored them all completely, desperate to get out. If I stopped or opened my mouth, I’d puke.

The first door I came across that led outside faced a rather quiet street. I kept walking, breathing hard, nothing helped though. I found myself bending over in the nearest alley, spitting out what little had been in my stomach. As soon as I was standing straight, I pulled out another joint to clear the disgusting taste in my mouth.

With a big breath of healing smoke in my lungs, I sat down on the ground, resting my head on the wall. I felt awful. I just wanted to sleep.

…Well, at least I have my weed.