Further Away

The sun shined in my window waking me up. I rubbed my eyes and pulled my pillow over my eyes. How long had I been sleeping? I looked at the clock, 2 PM. Looks like mom has stopped trying to get me to go back to school. I couldn't face them anyway, not after everything. They all think it's my fault, that I made him take off. Of course they all think he just ran off, maybe I'm starting to think the same thing. He would have come back to me already if he had, right? I peeled myself out of my blankets and headed for the bathroom, turning on the shower as hot as I could take it. I glanced sideways at the mirror. There were hollows where my cheeks used to be, and my tear swollen eyes were sunken down into their sockets. what was once a shiny chestnut plume hung in greasy ropes about my shoulders. I didn't like seeing myself in this fashion, I didn't even like the 3 day binges that put me in this sorry state, but damn, nothing got rid of the low like getting too drunk to feel.
My reflection began to disappear behind the cloud that was building from the shower. I tore myself away and stepped in, letting the nearly scalding water burn away the evidence of what I had been doing. I poured a mound of silky lilac body wash onto the fluffy pink loofah and spent a good 20 minutes working it over every inch of myself. I treated myself to extra conditioner before rinsing everything away, and turning off the shower. I really did feel much better. I threw the curtain aside and stepped out. I dried and dressed quickly and headed to the kitchen. My stomach was aching and had started moaning for sustanance.
I rumaged around in the fridge and pulled out the makings of a sandwich. Roast beef and swiss cheese, tomatoes, lettuce and mustard. Then headed for the bread box, mom always had homemade bread.
"Finally decided to show your face, eh Jen?" I whirled around to see my dad standing on the other side of the counter.
"Hey, Dad... no work today?" I asked hesitantly, he was probably the last person I wanted to see. If I didn't play this cool enough there would be a confrontation. He stepped over and pushed damp hair over my ear.
"You look like hell, Jenna. Where the hell have you been?" I slapped his hand away.
"Get off my back, Dad. I don't want to talk to you about this." I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. "I just need you to let me get through this... until Matt comes back..."
He sighed heavily. "Jenna the way you're dealing with this, it's just not healthy. Can't you see yourself Jenna?" I opened my mouth to snap back at him but he cut me off. "Jenna we've made you an appointment with a counsellor, a psycologist." My mouth fell open. "Don't try to argue with me, Jen. I'll drag you in by your hair if I have to, but you're going."
I wanted to hit him, I wanted to beat him in the head with the first blunt object I could find. I couldn't find any words. "When?" I squeaked.
"4:30." With that he walked out.
I lost my appetite. I left everything on the counter and stalked back to my room. I collapsed on to my bed, thinking the tears would come again, but they didn't.
I could feel fingers trailing across my back, tangling themselves in my hair. "Mmm.." I muttered, still half asleep.
"Come up, Jenna..." I heard it so close to my ear, it could have been real.
"Jenna!" my mom's voice echoed through my door with a knock. "Are you awake? It's time to go." I sat up and looked around. The tickle still lingered on my shoulders, it was like he was really here.
"I'm up, mom... Give me two seconds." I pulled on a low-cut tangerine tank and my favorite white shorts, and slipped on my white sandals with lace straps, and emerged slowly from my room. I rambled down the hallway to the front door and stepped out into the heat. It seemed unfair that it could be such a gorgeous day when my life had crumbled to peices over the last month. I climbed into the white Honda's passenger seat next to my mom. She looked like she wanted to say something, but thought better, and drove me in silence to the shrink.
The waiting room was all marble and polished wood, there was a planter in the middle of the room, under a large glass pannel in the ceiling, and a fountain in the center of the sitting area. A naked woman held a large overflowing leaf to the sky, and the water poured into a pool where three chubby bronze cherubs played at her feet. It made me smile breifly. My mom went to check me in. I sat on the edge of the fountain, and tried to count the pennies that littered the floor of the cherub bath. I counted 214 before a bouncy blonde nurse called my name to take me back.
"I'll be right here when you're done, Jenna." My mom told me with a fake smile. She was worried I would go in her daughter, and come out labled psychotic or something. Maybe I would, then she could lock me in the basement and hide me away from the world.
"We're just going to run a quick drug test, Jenna. Do you need some water or are you ready?" She smiled. Hers looked just as fake as my mother's.
"I can go now... Is there some kind of confidentiality policy, or does everything get straight back to my mom? I took the sample cup from her.
"Well, since you're still a minor at 17 your mom could technically get your records, but Dr. Stevens is very keen to his patient's privacy. He won't go telling your mom anything more then she needs to know." Was she trying to be reassuring? More then she needs to know? How much was that?
When I was done, and had given the sample to the nurse, she took me into Dr. Steven's office. I sat on an overly puffy armchair and waited. "He'll be right in." She said. I hated her already. How could the whole world be smiling right now?