Troubled Youth

Almost every night Shannon and Jared sat down together in the living room and wrote songs. They were still in between names but there were only a few to be seriously considered now. As the band stood it was just the two Leto brothers and they planned to keep it that way for the time being.
Jared was still doing quite a few movies and because of that he would not have enough time to devote to the band. If other people were brought into it Jared would feel like he wasn’t giving it the right amount of his own time. He never half assed anything and this band wouldn’t be the first time he did.
Sometimes Ella would join the boys in the living room and pick up a spare guitar. She’d taught herself enough to improvise a few good sounding chords while the other two played. Her contributions got better the more she watched Jared and Shannon play, the more she listened. Ella even took a guitar into her room that she played with on her own time when they weren’t working on songs. Jared liked sitting in his room with the door open listening to Ella mess around on the guitar she’d borrowed from him. Whether she knew it or not, she was giving him little ideas here and there for the songs he and Shannon were working on.
Popularity for Jared started to rise quite a bit quicker than it had been in the last year. This was one factor in the band not being pushed too hard yet. He didn’t want the band to ride along on his coat tails, he wanted the band to be its own thing. The increase in popularity meant Jared met new people and made connections with some.
He was invited to parties and went to the openings of his movies. Ella was always with him though she was nothing more than his friend. She’d never really relinquished her role as his personal assistant when he ‘hired’ her back in ‘95. It was easy enough for her to keep track of important dates and get him where he needed to be while still managing her own career.
Shannon thought it was a little sick that she was still his PA and neither of them seemed to mind it but he said nothing. So far as he could tell they were only friends and had been that way for over a year now. Ella had dated a few people -it turned out Terry was only interested in working together and Jared ended up good friends with Terry- and so had Jared. Shannon was at least comfortable with the current situation in their home life.
Judas was pretty much full grown and still slept in bed with Jared. The two of them were comfortable like that and after the first night Jared let him in there was no getting him out. Judas had been confused at first when Jared and Ella started sleeping in separate rooms but now he was used to it. Sometimes at night he’d go to Ella’s room and poke his head in to make sure she was there before going back to Jared’s but that was it. If Jared ever brought anyone home, which was pretty rare, Judas slept in Ella’s room at the foot of her bed.
Sometimes Ella would get a little lonely in her own bed and she’d knock on Shannon’s door. He’d let her sit with him on his bed for a while and they’d just hang out. She’d done that more often when she had first moved into her own bedroom because it was hard to sleep without someone next to her. Jared had found himself more bothered than he should have been when he found Ella and Shannon sharing a bed. It took him a little while to get used to that sight and remind himself that Shannon would never do anything with Ella, that he would never cross that line.
Soon enough Jared was occupied with his own girl. He’d met a fun and witty blonde starlet by the name of Cameron. They had happened to be at the same party and exchanged numbers. A few days later Jared had called her. Since then they’d been on a few dates. Finally Jared was starting to enjoy himself with someone other than Ella. Finally he found someone who had a strong enough pull for his attention that he didn’t notice how much he missed Ella anymore.
Shannon watched carefully the first few months of their relationship. He was studying it not only to make sure Cameron was a good enough girl for his little brother but also to see if Ella had a reaction. Nothing that he could see was negative. In fact, Ella had been the one to introduce Jared and Cameron at the party they met at. She had even made an effort to become friends with Cameron.
Being the older brother that he was with his protective instincts he hung close to Ella whenever Cameron was at the house. He wanted to watch Ella and make sure she wouldn’t say anything. He had a feeling Jared hadn’t told Cameron about his and Ella’s past. That was something maybe everyone didn’t need to know. It was a pretty hairy mess and might have scared another woman away from Jared had she known what he went through with Ella.
For a while Shannon held out for Jared and Ella to have some sort of reaction catalyzed from Cameron but nothing happened. She and Jared were like friends who’d never seen each other naked before. Shannon felt like they had both moved on from that little college idea, that they’d each grown up in a sense. This made Shannon sad because he’d gotten used to the idea that perhaps one day they’d end up together. He still wanted them as a pair but he’d never say that outloud.
Shannon wondered if he had done the right thing when he confronted Ella. When he looked at his brother he lost that doubt. He hadn’t seen Jared so happy and content with someone other than Ella in a long time. In fact he’d never seen his brother this happy with anyone but Ella.
With Jared seemingly taken care of and happy Shannon turned his attention to Ella. He wanted to make sure she was alright, that she wasn’t hiding anything. She had been down for a few days the month before but she had also just had her yearly visit with her father. Jared had stopped by one day to have lunch with them and say hello to her father. They were relatively good friends for the few times they had met. It made Shannon smile when Ella had told Shannon her father asked when she and Jared would get married.
“He just really likes Jared and thinks he could take care of me.”
“Oh he could.” Shannon nodded. “So could I you know.”
“This is not you asking me out again, is it?”
“Dunno.” Shannon shrugged just like his younger self years ago.
“Jared would murder your ass.”
“I know.” Shannon smiled. “What’d your dad say when you told him Jared was dating someone.”
“Didn’t tell him. It’s not important.”
“Sure it is.”
“I’ll tell him next year, if they’re still together.”
“My bet is yes.” Shannon smiled. “He’s really happy.”
“I know.” Ella sighed.
“Do I hear regret in your tone?” Shannon elbowed Ella.
“Shut up.” She pushed Shannon’s arm away.
“I do!”
“It doesn’t matter Shannon.”
“Why not? That means you love him still.”
“If you say one word about this conversation ever again I will kill you in your sleep.”
“Oh I believe it.”
“Good, keep your motherfucking mouth shut then.”
Never again did Shannon mention that conversation. Not even in the looks he gave Ella did she see him thinking about it. She had a moment of being open and had admitted out loud, sort of, that she had feelings for Jared. It gave Shannon a little bit of hope that he stored away in case the day ever came when Jared and Cameron broke up.
Ella tried to forget about that moment with Shannon and continued working. She’d pretty much taken over one of the downstairs rooms with her paintings and art supplies. That was the only room she’d ripped the carpet out of and hadn’t replaced the flooring. It seemed pointless to make the floor anything other than concrete when paint was bound to get thrown once in awhile.
A month or so after her little moment with Shannon she was in her more or less studio working on a painting. Cameron had come into the room and was looking at Ella’s work. Ella didn’t mind she was there, she really didn’t notice anymore. Cameron was there so often it was like four people lived in the house.
Cameron came over to Ella’s desk and looked over her shoulder to see what Ella was working on. Ella told her it was a commission but offered nothing else. Cameron looked back at all the work leaning against the walls of the room. She liked what Ella did, she liked that Ella wasn’t afraid to approach a subject like this.
“Ella?” Cameron asked tentatively hoping not to startle her.
“Yeah Cameron?”
“I was wondering if you’d want to go have some lunch with me? You’ve been working since you got up and I figured you could use a break.”
“Uhm...” Ella examined her painting a moment, “give me twenty minutes to finish this up and change.”
“Alright, just let me know when you’re ready.”
Ella nodded and kept working. She didn’t think much of Cameron’s invitation, they’d been out to lunch before with Jared and Shannon. There wasn’t anything weird in that to make Ella wonder what was going on. She was relatively good friends with Cameron so there was no need to speculate.
Once she was cleaned up and changed Ella found Cameron in the backyard with Judas. Shannon walked out from the corner of the backyard holding a dog toy that must have been lost behind the trees they’d planted there. Ella got Cameron’s attention, they both said goodbye to Shannon, and headed out down the side of the house to the front.
The girls got into Cameron’s car and headed out making small talk about how they both were. It was a little odd at first not having Shannon and Jared there to toss in on the conversation but eventually they got over it. By the time they were sitting at the table for lunch they were laughing and making jokes about some of the things the boys did.
The conversation drifted off from the guys to their work. Cameron was telling Ella about a movie she had started to consider taking on. The fact that there was a man with a camera standing across the street from where they were sitting didn’t bother them. Cameron gave him a wave but they continued on talking like nothing was going on.
“The project just seems really interesting and my agent recommended I try for it. Said it would be a good career move.”
“Agents are good for lots of things.” Ella smiled. “They can always tell you what a good move is. I wish I had one sometimes.”
“But you’re doing great on your own, aren’t you? Jared talks about you and your work all the time.”
“He does? That’s funny.”
“Yeah, he said you guys worked together once.”
“We did.” Ella nodded wondering where this was going.
“I guess you two were pretty close. He really cares about you, you know.”
“He does.” Ella smiled. “We had a bit of an odd relationship for a while but it’s been over for quite some time now.”
“It’s alright Ella. I know. He told me.”
“So this isn’t about you trying to figure out if there’s anything between us still?”
“No. Of course not. I trust him and I trust you. I just wanted to get to know you better since I can tell you’re always going to be a part of his life and of Shannon’s. Shan talks about you like you’re their sister.”
“He pretty much thinks I am. It gets a little weird when he hits on me but it’s all for fun.”
“Shannon’s a funny character. When I first met you I thought you and him were together. You’d sleep in his room pretty often.”
“I didn’t like sleeping alone. I still don’t. Just something I can’t get over.”
“Can’t get over?”
“I’ve never liked sleeping alone since... well since I didn’t have a home.”
Cameron looked confused. Ella realized Jared may have told her about their past together but not about Ella’s own past. She was glad he’d kept that to himself. It was her story to tell even if it was only a very short and very edited story.
“I was kicked out of my home at seventeen.” Ella sighed taking a bite of her lunch.
“Why? That’s terrible! I mean, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“My mother and I had differing ideals.” Ella shrugged. “It’s been so long now that I don’t care so much. When I was in college I was really upset about it. Jared knows. I mean, he doesn’t really but I think he got the sense. I don’t tell people much about my past.”
“I won’t push you to know more. The past isn’t that important to me. It’s about who you are now.”
“Jared always wanted to understand why I am how I am. He thought the key to that was my past. I never wanted to tell him. I never wanted to tell anyone.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to answer this, but why didn’t you want to explain it? Not what your past was, but why you don’t want to tell anyone?”
“Shame.” Ella sighed. “I suppose. Not really sure. Anger probably. The desire to distance myself from my mother. The sad thing is I can never get away from her.”
“You haven’t seen her in years though. I know you visit your father.”
“I look like her.” Ella smiled bitterly. “I’ll never get away from that. If you saw a picture of her when she was this age you’d swear we were the same person.”
Cameron nodded.
“My mother, she worked really hard to get where she is now. She took a tiny clothing manufacturing company and built it into one of the biggest companies in the country. My father and her met when she was building it. He had a lot of good ideas for business but no one wanted to listen to him because he was a kid. She listened, she gave him a job. They fell in love. It’s all a very nice story but it doesn’t matter.”
“You’ve never told anyone that, have you?”
“No.”
“I won’t say anything to anyone.” Cameron put her hand over Ella’s and looked her in the eyes. “I promise.”
“Thanks.”
“You said the story doesn’t matter.” Cameron wondered. “What do you mean by that.”
“It’s theirs. Not mine. It has nothing to do with who I am.”
“But it does. You could have been in any other family and had a different life.”
“Do you really believe that? That I could be anyone?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Okay, then I guess it’s part of me. But it really only matters when it gets to the part where I came into the picture. When from either a drunken night -highly unlikely- or a celebration for something they ended up with me. I don’t think I was planned but I don’t consider myself an accident either.”
“Kids get created from drunken nights all the time.” Cameron smirked. “I’ve seen it happen to friends.”
“I know, and so have I. But it’s unlikely because my mother hardly ever touches alcohol. Perhaps I’m the reason for that. I’ll never know.” Ella shrugged. “Either way, she didn’t want me and I slowed her down. She did the only thing she could do. She passed me off to my father to take care of while she ran the business. He had a few ideas to get the place off the ground but once it was flying steady he didn’t have much to do. Most of my early memories are totally absent of my mother. My father tried to give me everything I asked for and I suppose he was trying to make up for the absence my mother left. Then again, how could I know there was an absence when I never really had her there in the first place, right?”
“You’d feel it.” Cameron smiled weakly as if she knew just what Ella was talking about. “Trust me.”
“Maybe I did. But she’s the reason I’ll never have children. She’s the reason I won’t do a lot of things.”
“Just because she wasn’t around doesn’t mean you should never be a mother. If anything you should want to be a better mother than she ever could have been.”
“I don’t want it. It scares me. It scares me just as much as falling in love with someone does.”
“You’ve never been in love before?”
Ella shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe once but I was scared. It still kind of scares me when I think about it. The way it made me feel, like sometimes my head wasn’t even my own. It all got kind of foggy when we were together, like nothing else mattered other than we were in that moment. It was scary.”
“Tell me about him.”
“Who said it was a him?” Ella smirked, Cameron laughed. “No, it was a him. Girls aren’t quite the same for me. Fun, but not the same.”
“Who was he?”
“Someone. Doesn’t matter. He’s not mine anymore. He never was mine I think and that was because I never told him I wanted him. Not with words anyway. He gave me everything though. I don’t mean everything in a material sense, everything in a physical and emotional sense. He was always there for me, you know? Someone who I knew would come running if I needed his help. I’ll never ask for it but he’ll know if I need it and he’ll come running no matter what.”
“You should tell him that, whoever he is.”
“He’s long past.” Ella shook her head, she lifted her hands to wipe under her eyes. “I’ve just got to figure out who I am now.”
“What do you mean? You look like someone who’s got quite a bit figured out. I’d love to be able to do what you do. Those paintings are amazing.”
“Thanks.” Ella laughed. “But that started one year in New York when I watched some porn and sketched from it. Jared was there. He could tell you about it. But it was something that just happened. I didn’t plan it and I never questioned it. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.”
“I think you’re just fine how you are now. I think you’re on the right track.”
“I don’t feel like it though. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t finish college or because I’ve almost lost my family but I feel like something’s missing. I’m not who I’m supposed to be and I don’t know how to figure that out.”
“Asking questions is the best way to start. It’s how I figured it out. Now and then I feel like I don’t know who I am and what I’m doing. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I lay there thinking ‘God Cameron, you pretend for a living. Did you ever grow up?’”
“I’d like to pretend for a living, be someone else every few months. Might give me a personality disorder but I think I’ve got one of those.”
“No, you’re okay Ella.”
Ella shrugged. “You know, I have no idea why I just told you all of that. Or why it was so easy to.”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
“I know you won’t.” Ella smiled. “I know. I guess you are the person that knows the most about my past besides Judas.”
“Besides Judas?” Cameron asked kind of laughing.
“Yeah, I’ve told Judas everything. He’s great to talk to because he doesn’t judge and he won’t tell anyone. Trustworthy.”
Cameron smiled. “He’s your baby, isn’t he.”
“Loved him the second I saw him biting Jared’s hand. He’s the best dog ever. A bit big, but the best.”
“You should try sleeping in bed with him and Jared. I might as well sleep on the floor.”
“Jared likes to spread out in his sleep.” Ella nodded.
“He does. It’s cute but it’s annoying.”
When the girls got back to the house neither Jared nor Shannon were around. Ella went back to her studio and Cameron said goodbye. She thought it better to go home for a little and take care of her own place.
Ella found herself sitting at her desk thinking rather than painting. She couldn’t figure out why she’d told Cameron all that. Why she’d said all those things about how she felt, about her past, about how she thought she was in love once. This was a woman she’d known about a year and had told her so much when she’d known Jared almost a decade and had said less than half of that to him about herself. Maybe she just needed a girl to talk to. Maybe Cameron was just one of those people that can be told anything with the trust that they’ll never repeat it so long as they live.
She was startled when Jared tapped her on the shoulder. With her hands over her chest she turned her eyes to Jared who had a sheepish grin on his face. He offered an apology and then asked if she was busy.
“Not really. I’ve just been sitting here thinking.”
“Do you want to take a hike? I need to talk to you about something.”
“I really can’t handle anymore talks today Jared.”
“It’s about me. Not you, you don’t even have to say a word. I just need to talk to you.”
“Okay. Let me change my shoes.” She gestured to the sandals by her desk. “Get Judas, let’s take him with us.”
“Alright. I’ll be in the backyard.”
Ella sighed and got up from her desk. She grabbed sneakers from her room and sat on the stairs to pull them on. Shannon started walking up the stairs and smiled at her.
“Where you going?”
“Out with Jared. Wants to go on a hike.”
“Oh.”
“Where were you?”
“I was out with Jared for a bit. We just got back.”
“Doing?”
“I think you’ll find out soon enough. Be careful out there.”
“Please, I have better balance than your brother and you know that.”
Ella headed down the stairs and Shannon watched her carefully. He hoped what Jared had to say didn’t upset her. He hoped that their relationship was standing as good as it appeared to be.
Ella met Jared in the backyard. He already had the back gate open and Judas was climbing a hill. Jared called to the wolf and he came down knowing where they were going. They walked this path so often he didn’t need to be on a leash. They talked quietly about anything that came to mind. Ella couldn’t help but feel this was going to be a conversation of similar scale to the one she’d had earlier with Cameron. She wondered if she’d spill everything she’d said before to Jared, if she was just in a talking mood.
They made it to their tree, there were carved words and symbols in the bark. Some from a long time ago when they’d first discovered this place, some more recent. From when they were still more or less together. Ella paused when the way she’d just thought of their relationship hit her, together. She’d never thought of it that way, just as something they did. Not as them together.
“Come on Ella.” Jared waved her on when he noticed she’d paused. “We’re not there yet.”
“I know, I was just trying to remember if I closed a paint tube.”
“I’d say call Shannon and ask him but there’s no service out here.” He was at tree’s base.
Ella caught up with Jared and climbed up into the tree. He followed after her. Just as always they sat in silence looking out over the city. Judas was walking around below sniffing things and turning rocks over with his nose. There was a space between their hips that used to never be there. It made Ella feel cold despite the warm day.
When they’d had enough time to soak in the view Jared turned his face towards Ella. “Did we ever have a chance?”
“We all have chances Jared.”
“No, I mean us. Did we, as an ‘us’, ever have a chance?”
“Don’t ask that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you have someone now Jared. Because you love someone very much and it’s not right to ask these questions when you have someone. It’s selfish and painful for everyone involved.”
“I need to know.”
“We only had a chance if both of us thought so.”
“I did.” Jared said quietly. “Christ I did.”
“Past tense.”
“Like you said, I have someone now.”
“It was a statement. Not a question.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning we don’t have a chance anymore.”
“So we did in the past?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You said ‘anymore.’”
“What does it matter Jared. It’s past.”
“I know the past hardly matters to you Ella, but I’m trying to take it into account here.” A frustrated tone came into his voice. “It’s not even distant past. It’s our past. I just need to know a few things.”
“So much for me not having to talk.”
“Only way I could have gotten you out here was to lie.”
“Is that also the reason you’re sitting on the inside near the trunk, so I can’t get away?”
“I know you’re scared to jump. Scared to jump in general.”
“Going to ignore the subtext in that one.”
“There was none.”
“Yes there was and Jesus Christ we’re starting to fight.” Ella covered her face with her hands. “Can we just get this conversation over with please? I can’t handle this.”
“Sorry.”
“Just get on with it.”
“Fine, fine.” Jared shifted and reached into his pocket for something.
Ella watched him pull out a little black box. She knew what this was about and she had to look away when he began to open it. She didn’t want to see the ring in there.
“I need to know if we ever had a chance, if we still do. I need to know because I’m going to ask Cameron to marry me unless...”
“Unless what? Unless I tell you I love you. Unless I say I want you and we have a chance.”
“It sounded less stupid when I was thinking it.”
“I have a way of making things sound stupid.”
“So did we? Do we?” His eyes were wide and scared, he was chewing the inside of his cheek knowing either one of her answers was going to hurt him.
“Ask her to marry you.”
Jared closed his eyes and looked away from her. “So we don’t have a chance?”
He heard a light thud from below. When he looked down Ella had jumped from the tree. She looked back up with a small smile and then turned to leave. Jared jumped out and jogged to catch her arm. “Wait.”
“What Jared? You already gave an answer when you said you were going to ask her to marry you. Nothing I can say will change that. You love her, you want to marry her. Do it.”
“But Ella I want you-”
“Don’t you even finish that sentence.”
“I want you to approve of it.”
“It’s fine Jared. I told you, marry her.”
“But do you love me?” Jared asked tugging Ella closer by her arm, his voice and eyes softening. “Do you love me?”
She was frozen looking at him. She knew he was going to get hurt as soon as she spoke and it scared her. Ella was trying to think of a way out of it but there was no escape she could see. They stood there, him holding her close by her arm and her staring into those big blue eyes searching for her answer. Ella kissed his forehead, he let go of her arm and she turned to walk away.
“I still love you.” He said quietly. “I always will.”