Troubled Youth

Jared and Shannon’s band had gotten off the ground. They had done a little bit of touring the year previous with three guys they had added to their line up: Matt, Kevin and Solon. They’d settled on the name 30 Seconds to Mars and were gaining a fan base. Ella went with them on their short few week tours acting as manager and making sure things were ready. They needed someone there for them and she stepped up having been used to doing it for Jared. She did warn Jared she couldn’t be their tour manager permanently and Jared promised they would find someone to take her spot just as soon as they could.
Shannon and Ella’s relationship changed a little from the time they spent on their short tours in the black GMC truck Jared owned. Shannon kept Ella close and at first this seemed like it was because he was protecting her, a natural thing for Shannon to do. Then Jared started noticing the flirting. Shannon was a natural flirt and that was nothing new, but it was the way he was flirting with Ella. It was like when they two of them had first met in the early nineties. Jared kind of felt like Shannon was making a move on her whether it was unconscious or not.
Their band got to the point where they were recording an album. They didn’t have a lot of time but they knew the tracks they wanted to lay down. Ella was there most days if even for an hour. Shannon would hang around her, poke her in the sides to make her jump, push her shoulders to knock her off balance so he could catch her, and sometimes he’d pinch her ass when he thought no one was looking. Jared bit his tongue and tried to focus on Cameron but that wasn’t working as well as it should have been.
Things had been a little strained between him and Cameron. Jared had just finished a movie and Cameron was gone filming one of many movies she was working on. They weren’t together as much as they used to be and that was starting to make things difficult for the both of them. Cameron found herself missing Jared more than she was with him and Jared’s mind was starting to wander back towards Ella more than Cameron.
He wasn’t sure if the change in his thought patterns was due to being separated from Cameron so much or because Shannon looked like he was making a move on Ella. Jared told himself he had no right to be jealous. It had been years since he and Ella had anything remotely like the flirting she and Shannon had going on. Still, it hurt him to watch what seemed to be developing between the two of them. His mind was starting to become his enemy.
In order to try and correct the situation Jared took a week to go visit Cameron on location while she was filming. She’d done that for him many times so he figured he could afford to see her. The rest of the band -Shannon, Solon, Matt, and Kevin- continued to work on the album not needing Jared for that week.
The first day Jared was with Cameron everything was great. He didn’t think of anything or anyone else other than her. He sat on set and watched her work, went out for dinner together, and pulled away from all the crew and other actors when night fell. They curled up in her room and enjoyed what they’d both been missing for a few weeks.
“You know how much I love you, right?” Jared asked still breathing a little hard as he held himself propped up over Cameron, a light sheen of sweat covering the both of them.
“I don’t think I’ll ever know.” She smiled. “But I have an idea.”
“Good.” He leaned down and kissed her. “Because I can’t wait to marry you.”
She smiled again and pulled him back when his lips disconnected from hers. He went from supporting himself on his hands to his elbows, his stomach laying flat on top of hers. They had a few more rolls in the bed before falling asleep on one another.
In the morning Jared woke up by himself. He bit his bottom lip feeling like he did when he was younger and Ella wasn’t next to him in the morning. When he rolled onto his side he found a note on the pillow next to him. Cameron had to get up early and hadn’t wanted to wake him. She promised to be back for lunch and told him he should rest in bed until she came back because he had looked tired the day before.
Jared smiled and folded the note back up placing it on the bedside table. He sighed and rolled backwards to his other side so he could watch the light change against the room’s walls. The warm sun was on his back making him miss Judas a little. Jared sighed and closed his eyes.
Before he knew what he was doing he had picked up his phone and was calling Ella. She answered and he realized he didn’t have anything to say after hello. She laughed when he told her he had just wanted to hear her voice. Jared felt himself blush when she called him a dork.
“What are you doing?” He asked rolling onto his back.
“Nothing. Just sitting on the couch.”
“Where’s Shannon?”
“He’s got his head in my lap, I think he fell asleep because I was rubbing his ear.”
“Shan’s like a dog.” Jared smiled.
He didn’t like where Shannon’s head was but he refrained from saying anything. Shannon had done that before and it had never bothered Jared until now. He tried not to think of the reason why.
“He is.” Ella smiled looking down at Shannon’s profile. “You should have been here this morning. He had a girl over last night and I guess she woke up alone, found him asleep on the couch and had a fit. There was a fight that I think made me lose a few brain cells and then she left.”
“Never did bring back the smartest ones.”
“Because a smart one would never get into bed with him.”
“Guess that’s why he never got you then.” Jared laughed.
“He might have a chance if he gets me drunk enough.” Ella joked. “But I am too smart for him.”
“Keep it that way.” Jared responded quickly.
“Ooo protective are we?”
“I know Shannon. I have to be.”
“Mmm, as do I. Believe me, if anyone needs protection it’s him. I’m the bad one,” Ella’s voice softened on the next part, “the bad one for everyone.”
“Not for everyone.” His voice was equally as soft as he curled up into a ball. “Not for some.”
“For you.”
“Maybe, if you choose to look at it that way.” He sighed. “But I don’t.”
“Yeah? Then how do you look at it?”
“Five years ago was the happiest I’d ever been.”
“But then you crashed hard.”
“Yeah, but it was worth it.”
“I don’t think it was.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not.”
“Ella.”
“For all the pain I caused you, it’s not worth it. The risk is greater than the reward.”
“You were worth every second of it. Sometimes I wish I could take more pain just to be with you a few moments longer.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m messed up Jared. I’m messed up and because of that I’m messing you up. No one should want to be treated like that. No one should want pain for a second of bliss. That’s all we had, a second.”
“I had eight years on and off. I’d do it all again if we could forget it hurt.” He could feel tears on his face.
“Why would you do that to yourself again?”
“Because I’m in love with you.” He was sure she could hear the tears in his voice now. “I always will be Ella.”
“I have to go.”
“Don’t. Please don’t leave this conversation. Please.”
“I have to.”
“Ella.”
He heard nothing but the silence of the phone line. “Ella.”
Jared tossed his phone to the other side of the bed and curled up into a tighter ball. He hadn’t even let himself think those thoughts before. He’d never wanted to admit to all that. In a short phone call he’d let out his deepest feelings, feelings that had been buried so long he’d been able to convince himself he didn’t know them anymore.
He was conflicted, burning.
There was no desire to stay the week he had set aside from recording now. He loved Cameron and he missed her but he felt the week was cheapened. He’d just confessed his feelings to the one woman he was sure he’d never have making him burn that much brighter for her and it seemed unfair to Cameron.
On the other hand, he didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to see Ella. Part of him was mad at her for making him feel like this. Part of him never wanted to see her again because of how bad he wanted her despite knowing he’d never have her the way he wanted.
Jared wished he could just leave to some other part of the world for a long time. He wanted to get lost somewhere until he forgot about his situation, until he wasn’t the same man he was now. His mind was conflicted between his relationships and his own heart was tearing him to pieces. He wanted to go somewhere it didn’t matter. For once in his life he wanted to run and hide.
By the time Cameron had come back for lunch Jared had gotten up, showered and dressed. She asked if he was feeling alright but he promised her he was fine. There was something different in his face she couldn’t read but didn’t push the subject with him.
The week was hard for Jared. He picked himself up and continued on like nothing was wrong. When Cameron was gone Jared would call Ella but she wouldn’t answer. He would send her a text every once in awhile but he never got anything in return. That hurt him more than it would have if she had responded only to tell him to stop.
If Jared called Shannon or the house phone Ella made sure to make herself scarce. She’d find somewhere to go or something to work on. Shannon would ask if she wanted to talk to Jared if she was still in the house but she always said she was busy. Shannon thought that was weird since Ella always used to stop whatever she was doing to talk to his younger brother but he let it slide. She was quite busy lately, it wasn’t like that excuse was ungrounded.

The night before Jared was supposed to return from his visit with Cameron Ella was curled up on her bed thinking. She had a bottle of wine and a glass on the nightstand but she’d given up with the glass a little while ago.
Her mind kept flipping back to what Jared had told her almost a week past. At first she had been wondering how he could be so selfish as to tell her all that. It was selfish. He shouldn’t have told her that when he had someone he was ready to marry. Ella felt something in herself she wasn’t sure she’d had there before which Jared’s words had almost brought to the surface. She’d been doing a pretty good job stuffing all the feelings back down but now the night before he was supposed to come back she was terrified.
Cameron wouldn’t be around and she was afraid she’d have to endure him telling her all the same things face to face. She knew if he did she wouldn’t be able to to handle it. Ella would make a mistake that she’d regret for a very long time if not for life. Vulnerability was not a familiar place for Ella to be in and she had no idea how to deal with it. She’d just grabbed the nearest wine bottle -that was what the people on TV did, right- and went up to her room.
Shannon had seen her do this and figured with the return of his brother in the morning there was something he had missed. For a while Shannon left Ella alone in her room figuring if she wanted company she would come find him. Solon was over anyways and they were in the process of hammering out a song they wanted to show Jared in the morning.
When Ella hadn’t shown her face by the time Solon left Shannon decided it was time to see what was up. He knew she wouldn’t tell him outright what was bothering her but he still felt she needed someone there that showed they cared about her. Shannon started to head for the stairs and then paused at the landing. He turned around and went back into the kitchen opening up a cabinet to grab a bottle and then he was going up the stairs two at a time.
“Look, if you’re going to drink your feelings away at least do it with something quick.” Shannon said leaning against her door frame with a grin on his face as he held up the bottle.
“I hate vodka.”
“Mmm but it likes you.” Shannon smiled. “Give me that glass.”
Ella handed him the wine glass and Shannon poured a little of the contents of his bottle into the bottom of her glass. He then filled the rest of it with wine and handed it back to her. She started drinking it without protest and moved over so Shannon could sit next to her.
“I’m not getting drunk alone.” She said handing him the glass.
Shannon took a swig from the vodka bottle. “Nope, you’re not.”
“Ugh, that’s gross.”
“Would you prefer I had a glass?”
“No, I mean straight vodka.”
“Oh, yeah. I guess.” Shannon shrugged. “Never really bothered me. Kinda burns though.”
“Here.” Ella handed him her wine glass so that he took it this time and removed the bottle from his own hand.
Shannon drank from her wine glass before Ella put more vodka in it and Shannon poured enough wine to fill it almost to the top. They sat there drinking until everything was funny and Ella wasn’t thinking about being upset anymore. She wasn’t even thinking about Jared.
They’d put the vodka bottle down on the floor -Shannon had to be pulled back onto the bed by Ella because he had lost his balance leaning over the edge- and left the wine bottle with glass on her nightstand. Ella ended up using all her weight to swing backwards and pull Shannon onto the bed again. The momentum pulled Shannon on top of her. She complained he was too heavy but he moved so he was lying flat on top of her and most of his weight pressed her into the bed.
Laughing Ella pushed at Shannon’s shoulders and tried to get him off her but she couldn’t find a grip. She gave up and kissed his forehead telling him he could stay. Shannon shed his immobile stance and moved his arms so his hands were on the sides of her ribcage. For a second they were staring drunkenly at one another, a slight smirk coming on to Shannon’s lips echoed by Ella. They’d been here before but that was years ago.
Whenever the two of them drank together things got a little out of hand. Ella and Shannon would do something that might have bothered the younger Leto though he had no right to be bothered. After the first playful kisses it stopped. Shannon got off Ella and sat up against the headboard shaking his head. Ella rolled onto her stomach and reached for the alcohol. Shannon moved it from her reach and told her to go to bed. She followed him into his room, pulled her shirt off, and got into his bed. Shannon shrugged, took off all his clothes as that was his rule for his bed, and got under the covers.

No one had been there to pick up Jared from the airport. He stood waiting for the longest time. He called home, Shannon, and Ella. None of the phones were answered. Jared was worried and anxious when the cab he called finally made it back to his home. Everything seemed to be in place, all the cars were there and even Shannon’s new motorcycle.
The house was silent when Jared opened the front door. Judas and Sky heard the tell tale noise announcing Jared’s arrival and ran down the stairs to greet him. He calmed the two dogs and shouldered his duffel bag to take it up to his room. Judas and Sky passed him on the stairs to make it before he could. Judas trotted happily into Jared’s room and curled up on the bed to wait while Sky was just ahead of Jared but ducked to the side so he could push Shannon’s bedroom door open and walk in there.
Jared had walked by the room with only a cursory glance into it to see the bare ass of his older brother and the vaguely female shape on the other side of him. He shook his head thinking Shannon must have forgotten to pick him up because he was too busy with his ‘date.’
Taking a quick peek into Ella’s room to see if she was still asleep as well, he found her room empty. Puzzled Jared tossed his duffle bag on the floor of his own room and it came to a rest next to the bed. He turned around and headed back for Shannon’s room to see if Shannon was awake and knew of Ella’s whereabouts.
He stopped short when his hand touched Shannon’s door, the door opened wider but Jared didn’t need that. Ella was that vaguely female shape he had seen when he gave Shannon’s room a cursory glance. There was nothing vague about the way she was stretched out on her back, bare chest rising and falling slowly, the covers on her hips though it looked like she’d taken them all from Shannon in her sleep.
A bitter stinging worked its way into Jared’s chest with the next few breaths he took. He turned on his heel, shut the door quietly behind him, and went downstairs. He found himself in the kitchen, hands braced on the countertop taking deep breaths. He couldn’t unsee his brother’s bare backside and Ella’s rising and falling chest on the other side of the bed.
Judas came downstairs and pushed his head into Jared’s leg looking for attention and possible scraps of food. Jared’s hands stayed fixed on the countertop, knuckles white. He had been hurt at first, now he was angry. He pushed off the counter and went into the backyard. Judas trotted after him easily keeping pace when Jared went for the trails and started running. It was all he could do from going upstairs and waking the both of them up.
He didn’t want to get into a fight with his brother, he didn’t want to be upset, he didn’t want to be this hurt. He felt like he had no right to and that’s what made it worse. He had Cameron, he shouldn’t care if Ella and Shannon decided to explore a little. That’s all it could possibly be with Ella, an exploration. She didn’t do relationships. The one time Jared had known her to be in a relationship she ended up ruining it by sleeping with him.
In the middle of rolling over Shannon woke up. He took a deep breath and looked over to see Ella. She was peering at him through slitted eyes. When he moved his eyes over her chest and back up to her face she pushed her palm to his forehead to move him away. He laughed and grabbed her wrist pushing her arm down to the bed.
“Morning.” He smiled.
“Hey. Where’s my shirt?” She asked sitting up.
Shannon grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back down. He was too strong for her to fight. He pulled half his body over hers and kissed her cheek.
“Hey, quit that.” She said slapping his arm.
“Why, you liked it last night.”
“Yeah, but you went all honorable on me and left.”
Shannon’s hand slid down Ella’s side to the waistband of than pants she had left on. “I can take ‘em off now and finish the job.”
“Does that voice usually work on all the girls?”
“Usually.”
“Well I’m not drunk anymore and it’s not working Shan. Let me up.”
Shannon smiled and rolled onto his back letting Ella get up. She found her shirt and pulled it back on. “Weren’t you supposed to pick Jared up?”
“Yeah. Oh shit! I’m late!” Shannon got out of bed and pulled a pair of sweatpants on from his closet.
Ella shook her head and walked out of his room heading for her own. She was glad Shannon had come to his senses before anything happened between them. A few kisses here and there didn’t really mean a whole lot when alcohol was involved.
It wasn’t that Ella would have never been attracted to Shannon, he wasn’t a bad looking guy. She just couldn’t see him the way she saw Jared. Most of that reason was in itself Jared. It seemed wrong to sleep with Jared for so long and then sleep with his older brother. Shannon was good for letting off steam but not in the way she was used to. More than anything Shannon was someone to flirt with.
Ella noticed Jared’s duffle bag on the floor next to his bed. She yelled to Shannon downstairs that Jared had made it home on his own. From Shannon she learned that Judas was missing but Sky was still around. Ella decided Jared had taken Judas out for a run and would be back a little later. She went into her room and grabbed clean clothes before going into the bathroom for a shower.
By the time she got out she could heard raised voices downstairs. She pulled her clothes on not bothering to dry off all the way and ran down to see what was going on. The voice was Jared’s most of the time because whenever Shannon started to yell something back Jared cut him off. Ella got between the two of them and pushed back on Jared’s chest. She didn’t like how close they were. Jared wouldn’t look her in the eyes and shrugged away from her turning around to face the wall for a moment. Shannon shook his head and left the room.
“What the fuck was that about? You’re home two seconds and you’re fighting with your brother.”
“I should be yelling at you.” Jared said still facing the wall, arms crossed over his chest as he tried to keep his composure.
“Why?”
“I come home after neither one of you picked me up to find the two of you passed out naked in his bed. Why do you think I’m mad? On top of that you haven’t spoken to me in a week. What the fuck is wrong with you?” He had spun to face her.
“Nothing.”
“Really? Are you sure. You just fucked my brother and won’t talk to me.”
“I’m talking to you now.”
“Ella.”
“What Jared?”
“Why would you do that to me?”
“I haven’t done anything to you. Nothing at all. I haven’t done anything to anyone.”
Jared closed his eyes, his fists clenched at he tried to keep himself from exploding like he had the second he saw Shannon. They would have been fighting with fists if she hadn’t come down and separated them.
“After what I told you over the phone. After all I said. After I told you I am still in love with you.” He shook his head. “You fuck Shannon as a way to deal with your emotions. If it had been anyone else, anyone else that I didn’t know, I would have been okay. I would have told myself that’s how you deal with conflicts of emotion, how you deal with your own pain. I didn’t complain about all the guys you brought home after your father died even though it hurt me everytime.”
“Don’t you dare bring him into this.” Ella cut in.
“Shut up.” Jared spat back. “I don’t even want to hear you talk right now. I didn’t think it was possible for you to sink that low, that fucking low. You slept with the one person you knew would kill me. You had to go there. Now my head’s a fucking mess. With a few minutes of pleasure you ruined two of my best relationships. Thanks.”
“Jared if you would just let me talk for a freaking second I cou-”
“No. You’re not talking to me anymore. You’re not changing my mind or making me forgive you anymore. I’m done damn it. I don’t want you around me anymore.” He paused taking a deep breath. “I think it’s best if you move out.”
Ella wanted to correct him, tell him nothing happened between her and Shannon. Nothing happened that hadn’t before. They were drunk and playing. Sure it got a little further than it should have but still nothing had happened.
“I didn’t have sex with Shannon.” Ella said quietly. “I would never do that to you. We got drunk because I was upset and he tried to cheer me up. We kissed a lot, we pulled at each other’s clothes, but I would have never done more than that. He backed off before anything got serious. I didn’t want to sleep alone so I followed him to his room. Your friendship meant more to me than that.”
Jared’s face broke from the angry scowl into the saddest face she’d ever seen him wear.
“I’ll be gone in a couple of days.”
“Alright.”
She turned and left the room quietly to go upstairs. Jared collapsed on the floor and curled into a ball. He felt tears on his face and he knew he was sobbing. Judas and Sky both came over looking as concerned as dogs can. Judas licked the tears from Jared’s face and curled up next to him. Sky watched for a moment and then went to look for Shannon.
Upstairs Ella was dialing the phone and waiting as it rang out on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Terry.” Ella’s voice broke. “Is this a bad time?”
“No, what’s wrong?”
“I need a place to stay.”
“What happened?”
“I can’t talk about it right now. I need a place to stay. Can I come live with you for a little?”
“Sure. As long as you need. What are you getting here?”
“Couple days. Depends on how long it takes for me to get my shit together.”
“Are you okay? Do you need me to come out there?”
“No, and I think I can manage.”
“Is Jared alright?”
“Physically fit. I’ll explain later. I have to go.”
“Wait, Ella. You’re crying. Are you sure you’ll be alright?”
“Yes. I’ll text you the details when I figure them out.”

In two days Ella was gone. Shannon had taken her to the airport asking if she couldn’t possibly just find somewhere to stay in the same state. He tried his hardest to get her to wait a week and see if Jared cooled off. New York was a little extreme in Shannon’s mind.
Standing on the curb Ella assured Shannon this is what they all needed. Shannon hugged her and let her leave dreading going back to the house on his own. Jared had apologized to Shannon for not letting him talk first but other than that Jared had been silent. Cameron couldn’t get him to talk other than to say he’d messed up a bad situation. Shannon had to be the one to explain what had happened to Cameron.
Ella stayed with Terry for a few weeks after her initial arrival. She didn’t call back to California. She practically cut all her ties to that state and pretended she was just one more lonely person floating along in the world. She was getting ready to look for her own place when Terry offered to take her along with him to Paris. He was going for work and felt like she needed a pick me up. Ella agreed to go. She’d never been anywhere out of the country and now was the best time to do it.
30 Seconds to Mars’ first album came out a few months later. Ella called Shannon to tell him she’d bought it and liked how it had turned out. She wouldn’t talk to Jared when Shannon asked if she wanted to. She only stayed on the line a few more minutes before she lost connection with him again.
The next year Jared and Cameron broke up. Cameron could see how much the destruction of his relationship with Ella had hurt him and she realized he loved Ella too much. They’d been engaged nearing four years and it wasn’t going anywhere. Their break up couldn’t have come at a worse time for Jared but Cameron couldn’t take it anymore. They were apart more than they were together and when they talked it was mostly about Jared missing how things used to be.
Instead of laying around being upset about how he’d lost two very important women in his life, Jared threw himself into the band. They toured and worked their asses off building their fan base. They met as many people as they could after shows and talked to them as long as possible before they had to climb into the GMC and leave for the next date.
Being in such close quarters Shannon and Jared repaired their relationship. Kevin had left the band shortly before the album came out but Matt and Solon were still strong. They held auditions for another guitar player and ended up bringing Tomo Milicevic into the band rounding out their line up.
Aside from the occasional phone call Shannon received from Ella there was no contact with her. She didn’t email, she didn’t text. If Jared called Terry’s apartment looking for her she refused to come to the phone. Terry had just gotten into the habit of saying she was busy painting or out. She would hang up if she were speaking to Shannon and he put Jared on the line.
Eventually Jared stopped asking. He missed her but he knew she was keeping her distance for a reason. They both needed this. She just happened to be the stronger one at keeping away from him. Jared found himself entertaining thoughts of going to Terry’s apartment when they passed through New York but Shannon stopped him from actually doing it.
Jared found himself on the rebound after Cameron and missing Ella. He met another blond actress by the name of Scarlett Johansson and started going on a few dates with her. She even came out a few times to 30 Seconds to Mars’ shows in support of him.
Terry kind of giggled when pictures showed up online of the new couple. Ella looked at them over his shoulder but said nothing. She only rolled her eyes and went back to painting. She hadn’t intended to stay so long with Terry but he didn’t mind. He liked having someone in the apartment when he couldn’t be. She bought groceries to help out and kept the place clean. To Terry that was more than enough as rent payment.
She didn’t bring anyone home and she didn’t go to anyone else’s place to spend a night. She focused on herself and her work. Ella was trying to change some things that had been pointed out as bad habits and she wanted to be different. She’d never admit to it but she’d made that her new year’s resolution.
For reference material Ella hardly found the need to step in front of the camera and even if she was close to doing it Terry always stepped in to save the day. With him around she was hardly ever short of material or willing models to work with.
The joke between her and Terry was that she had become a nun. She was being a good girl for the first time in a long time. None of this would have been possible had she stayed in California where Jared was. Especially now that Jared was on the rebound and likely to make a few mistakes that would have resulted in him and Ella having a roll in his bed.