Troubled Youth

Jared was standing behind Ella while she was cooking. They’d been getting along well the past few days. It was a new year and the calm before things were tossed up in the air again. His hands were on her sides, fingers tracing circles through the fabric of her shirt. His lips rested against her bare shoulder as his breath fell over her chest.
Ella was making dinner for Jared, Emma, and herself. Emma had been helping but when Jared came in from his work day Emma left the kitchen to give them a moment alone. Jared hadn’t even taken his shoes or jacket off. He’d missed Ella much more today than usual and couldn’t wait to get home and see her. Ella was trying to ignore him and focus on what her hands were doing but he was making it hard.
He started kissing her skin moving up her neck. He whispered that he’d missed her and had been thinking about her all day when he got to her ear. His hands moved from her sides to the front of her eight and a half month belly. Her skin raised in bumps when his hands went under her shirt and his lips found the back corner of her jaw. She’d stopped making dinner.
When she tried to turn around and face him he stopped her. This happened often, he didn’t like her facing him so much anymore. It was nothing to do with what Ella looked like but with what he looked like. She was still the most beautiful thing in the world to him, even more so if it were possible. He didn’t feel comfortable with the weight he’d put on and didn’t feel like himself. He liked standing behind her and touching her like this so that he still felt mostly the same. Of course Ella didn’t mind how he looked, she even liked it quite a bit, but she stayed where he was comfortable. She tried to make jokes saying at least they had gotten fat together and he smiled at them but it didn’t make much difference.
“You should go sit. I know your feet hurt.”
“They’re alright. I haven’t taken my shoes off yet.” He kissed her neck.
“Go sit Jared. It’s been a long day.”
He’d left early that morning before Ella was even up. Emma had gone with him just to get him situated on set and then came back to the apartment to take care of Ella.
“I don’t want to.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” Ella smiled turning her head to look over her shoulder at him.
He smiled and kissed her cheek before going down to their bedroom and taking his shoes off. He sat on the bed for a while after taking his shirt off and took a few deep breaths. He was tired, much more tired than usual. He actually felt like sleeping when normally he could push sleep off and keep working. Jared rubbed his face feeling the stubble on his chin.

Soleil was born on the morning of January 23rd. She was cleaned up and bundled into a blanket before she was handed back to Ella. Jared watched Ella hold their little girl for the first time and saw her start to cry. His chin started to twitch as he felt himself do the same. Ella handed Soleil to him and he bit his bottom lip trying not to cry more.
He brushed her tiny cheek with his finger and smiled down at the person he’d taken part in creating. He kissed her forehead and told her he loved her before he had to hand her back to Ella and step outside. Jared couldn’t take it. He couldn’t let this happen. He stood with his back against the wall covering his face. The parents who were adopting his little girl came over looking worried. Jared assured them everything was okay and that this was just hard for him to swallow. The wife hugged him and thanked him for what he was doing, for giving her the chance to be a mother, and promised her they’d take care of his little girl. Jared nodded and hugged the woman back not sure what else to do.
A nurse came out and told Jared Ella was looking for him. He excused himself and went back into the room. She was sitting up with Soleil in her arms. He smiled at her and sat back at the bedside.
“It’s almost time.” She said quietly.
“I know.” Jared whispered back.
“I’m sorry.” Ella said kissing him.
“It’s alright. We have to do this. We can’t keep her. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”
“J.”
“Ella.”
Jared held Soleil one more time before the adoptive couple was brought into the room. With shaky breath Jared handed his baby over to the wife. The couple met their daughter for the first time while Jared and Ella saw theirs for the last.
“Take care of her.” Ella said quietly as they left.
“We will.”
The door closed and Ella broke into sobs. Jared sat down next to her bed and held her hand. He kissed her and with his other hand ran through her hair straightening it out. He promised her everything would be alright now. Their daughter was safe and would be taken care of. They could recover from this. They would be alright.
Later that day Ella was released from the hospital. She didn’t want to stay there a moment longer, she couldn’t. Jared took her home to the apartment they were renting where Emma was waiting. They got Ella into a hot bath and left her to sit for awhile like she asked. Emma sat with Jared watching TV. He didn’t want to talk, just just wanted to know someone was there. Emma sat quietly working on her laptop organizing things and getting others in order.
The next week they were back in California. Shannon had been hoping they come home with a baby but kind of knew they wouldn’t. Constance was there to take care of Ella even though Ella hadn’t asked. Constance just wanted to be a mother to the poor girl and help her through it. She was there for her son too so she could make sure he was alright. Everything was really fragile in that first month back home.

March saw the band back on the road. Ella stayed home not wanting to be around Jared. She thought maybe they needed some time away from one another again. Not as extreme as a few years ago but just not in the same place at the same time. He called her once a week because that was all she would allow and they would talk. They were trying to fix their relationship over the phone but all they were doing was getting back to being friends again. Jared knew what they had the last two years was gone now but somehow it didn’t hurt as bad as the last time. She was still talking to him and they were still friends, their relationship had just kind of deteriorated on it’s own without as bad of a pain this time.
Constance had moved to live closer to Jared, Ella, and Shannon’s house. Ella found herself spending a lot of time with Constance. She didn’t want to be alone in that house all the time. Sure she had the two dogs but it wasn’t the same as having the boys there. She needed someone who would talk back to her rather than just turn their head and prick up their ears like Judas and Sky. Ella needed a human being.
Most of the time they just talked about how their days had been going and what they were up to so they kept busy. Ella had her hands full with the dogs and was getting back into shape just by taking them out for walks. Constance had started coming on these walks to take Sky when Ella was more than busy with Judas.
Every once in awhile Ella would talk to Constance about Jared. She didn’t really say how she felt about the woman’s son but Constance could tell how much she cared for him in the way she phrased things. Maybe they weren’t an item anymore but there was still something there, something that Constance was sure would spring back when Jared came home.
Constance was one of the few people that had been watching and hearing about this relationship for sixteen years. Ever since her littlest boy was nineteen years old and he first met Ella. She knew this would be hard for the both of them but she knew they could take it. There were just some people that worked great with one another but couldn’t stay together very long. No matter all the wishing and encouragement from their friends if they wanted to stay together it was going to be a long road.
It hurt her to see them like this, to see Ella conflicted about her decision to give up their baby and about how she now felt towards Jared. Ella even said once to Constance that a baby is supposed to change your life when you have one but what no one tells anyone is that even if the baby is given up the lives of those involved still change. Ella couldn’t look at Jared and not think of their daughter. That conversation was the closest Constance ever saw Ella to tears.
Jared, on the other end, was talking to Shannon all the time. His older brother, though not the kind for long lasting relationships, had better insight into Jared’s life than he could have ever had himself. Jared continually asked Shannon if he had done the right thing in giving in to what Ella wanted, in letting his daughter go. It was just something he couldn’t get over. To be a father without his child. That was never how he had pictured his first child to be. Then again, when was what he pictured to be ever right on the mark with Ella?
That woman constantly destroyed all his expectations and he still wanted her. He still had to be near her to feel alright. Now he was always going to be connected to her even if they weren’t speaking. There was a person out there half himself and half her.
He had no problem pouring out all these thoughts to his older brother. The words tore Shannon apart. He had a hard time watching his little brother struggle with his own life when he knew he or Emma or anyone else could do nothing to ease it for him. This battle was all Jared’s and they were all standing at the side to listen to him when he needed an ear.
While Shannon wanted nothing more than to be there to listen to his brother, sometimes he felt like Jared should be talking to Ella. What he had been saying, pouring out, was all very personal and private. Some of it Shannon felt like he shouldn’t be hearing but Jared seemed to have no filter.
With Ella being so tactless and almost brutal with emotions, Shannon kind of felt like Jared didn’t have anyone else to turn to but his older brother. Neither of them were really sure how she would handle all of this, all of Jared’s heartbreak and emotion. Ella probably would make it worse by being unintentionally insensitive.
Still, Shannon felt it was best for Jared to talk to her. He’d known her for over a decade and a half, he should know how she would react to that kind of situation. Jared should know how to approach this with her. At least for a while it had seemed like he’d found a way through to her.
“Jared, what happened in Africa?”
“What?”
“Africa, what changed Ella’s mind?”
“I don’t know.”
“How did you two end up together?”
“She just told me she wanted more. She said it had taken her a long time to realize it but she wanted me just like I wanted her.”
“Did anything happen before that?”
“Not really... I mean I guess so.”
“What?”
“She kind of told me a little about her past.”
“Oh?” Shannon turned to look at his younger brother with interest.
“I can’t tell you anything.”
“Of course not. I don’t need to know anyways. But do you think that had something to do with it?”
“You think that someone so emotionless and insensitive as she can be would change her mind after a fourteen year pattern of avoiding being with me?”
“You’re right. That was a stupid idea.”
“It’s the best thing yet.” Jared shrugged. “I don’t know really. Maybe she wanted that the whole time and was just scared. We never really talked about the why. I was too afraid to lose the now to even think about the why.”
“So talk to her about it now. You said yourself that the relationship pretty much deteriorated.”
“I suppose I could. I’m just not sure I want to know.”
“Why not?”
Jared shrugged and looked out the window. “We made a pact in Africa, you know?”
“Nope.”
“We made a pact to stop smoking.” He smiled. “What I wouldn’t give for a pack of cigarettes right now.”
Shannon reached into his pocket and pulled one out. Jared looked at it biting his bottom lip. He was seriously considering it but ended up shaking his head no and turning back to the window.
“I can’t break it.”
“Might help you out.” Shannon said lighting on for himself.
Jared took a deep breath. The smell alone was enough to calm him down a little. He shook his head in response to Shannon’s statement.
“Suit yourself.” Shannon exhaled.
“Shouldn’t smoke inside.”
“Didn’t see any signs. Did you?”
“No but if you set off that detector the show will be canceled.” Jared said getting up to head for the door.
Shannon shook his head exhaling again as he watched his little brother head down the hall. He kicked his feet up on the table and sat back in his chair. Jared walked out of the building and back onto the bus where he interrupted Tomo and Vicki in the middle of a kiss. Jared grabbed his phone and went back outside without a word. Tomo and Vicki looked at one another and then outside to see Jared heading away from the venue.
“Wonder what he’s determined to do this time.” Vicki said curling up under Tomo’s arm.
“We’ll find out sooner or later.” Tomo shrugged.
“Is he doing any better lately?”
“He only talks to Shannon about that. I imagine he’s still about the same. Couldn’t ever dream what it would be like to lose a daughter like that. To know she’s out there with someone else raising her.”
“They could have made it work.”
“Maybe.” Tomo sighed resting his forehead against Vicki’s. “Maybe not.”
“Why don’t you think so?” She bumped her nose against his.
“Ella.”
“What about her?”
“She’s not grown up enough to handle it.”
“She’s thirty-two.”
“Maybe physically. Mentally I think she’s still a teenager. Just look at the stuff she does, the way she treats everything. She’s a kid. Jared’s still a kid too but in a different way. He could handle it. She couldn’t.”
“Well then let’s hope they get another chance one day.”
“I don’t know if I would hope for that. It might hurt them more than help them.”
“You’re pretty dark today.” She pushed her hand to his chest. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Tomo shrugged. “Just the environment I guess. You know how I get when people around me aren’t happy.”
“Yeah, I do.” She traced a finger along his jaw.
Outside Jared was sitting on a bench near the street. He looked down at his phone and wondered if he should call her. That was what he intended to do at first, call her and tell her what he was thinking. Now that he’d taken a second to gather his phone and walk away from everyone for privacy he’d lost his nerve. Still, he found himself putting his phone to his ear and hearing the line ring out.
“Hey, it’s not Saturday. Are you okay?” Ella greeted him.
“I’m alright.” Jared sighed. “I just... I don’t know. I wanted to hear your voice. You’re not in the middle of anything, are you?”
“No. Just lying in bed with the dogs. They have most of it.”
Jared smiled.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Sitting on a bench on the corner of third and green in some anonymous middle american town.”
“You should figure out the name of the city before you play tonight.”
“I know it. It just sounded more poetic that way.”
“Lyricists.” She sighed smiling as she rubbed between Sky’s ears.
“Can’t help it.”
“So does this count as my once a week call or can I still call you in Saturday?”
“Yeah, you can.”
“Alright.”
“J, is there something wrong? I can hear it in your voice.”
“Kind of. I’m just the same really.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” Jared looked up at the sky for a moment. “Well maybe you could come visit me.”
“When?”
“As soon as you can.”
“I don’t know.”
“Please?”
“It’s hard right now.”
“Okay, how about after this tour I’ll come home and then you go with us for a few days to film a video?”
“You’re filming another?”
“Yeah, didn’t you know?”
“Not your assistant anymore. Emma knows all that stuff.”
“Right. I guess I forgot to tell you.”
“So what’s it for.”
“I’ve been annoying Trink, the label head, to let us go to China for a video. I want to do From Yesterday. I have a whole plan for it.”
“China. Haven’t got a stamp from there yet.” Ella smiled.
“So you’ll come?”
“Sure. When is this?”
“I’m thinking end of August. This tour finishes out in two months and then we’re home a week before going out there.”
“All if Trink gives you the okay?”
“Yep, head man at the label holds my dream right now.”
“You’ll get it.”
“You think so?”
“Since when have you not gotten something you wanted.”
“You.” Jared said quietly.
“You did.”
“Not long enough.”
“We’re not talking about this.”
“Why not?”
“Not over the phone.”
“Okay.”
“I have to go Jared. Call me Saturday.”
“I will.”
“Bye.”
“I love you.” Jared said quietly.
“Me too.”

When the tour ended Jared found Ella had been sleeping in his room. His bed was bigger after all and the dogs took up most of her space. Sky relocated to Shannon’s room when he was back making more room in Jared’s bed. Ella stayed sleeping in the same room since it was only a week before they were all leaving. Judas slept between them with his back against Jared’s.
Jared did take the week at home to try talking with Ella. Mostly they talked about their decision to give up their daughter. Hard as it was to bring the subject up they had to talk about it, tell eachother how they felt. Ella admitted that maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she should have tried. Jared then took the position of reassuring her they didn’t make a mistake. She was better off and if they ever wanted to try again Jared promised her he would. Of course Ella said she didn’t but Jared still had hope. He loved her, he had to have hope.
Just before they left for China, Jared went to have his hair dyed. He came back with long black hair and bright red underneath. Ella liked it. She couldn’t stop playing with it for one thing. Jared was even able to lay down with his head in her lap while she played with his hair. The smallest things gave him hope.
It took over a day to get to China. All their crew, the band, assistants, and even Lee Trink came out. The first time they got off the plane in China it was night. Everyone was cramped and tired from sitting. They were taken to their hotel and left to sleep away what was left of the night. Jared and Ella had the same room and when Jared offered to take the couch she told him he could sleep in the bed with her.
The next day they were all up early for breakfast and then off to the shooting location to scout out what places they wanted to film in. Jared was running all over the place taking pictures and staring at odd angles before he would move on. His translator was having a hard time keeping up with him both in speaking and in walking. Jared hardly even stopped to eat lunch.
By the time they got back to the hotel that day it was dark. Jared laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, his breathing slowed. Ella was sure he’d fallen asleep so she went into the bathroom to take a shower. When she got out he was sitting up on the bed with a computer in his lap typing. She asked what he was doing and he said just answering some emails before he went in the shower.
Ella laid on the bed propped up on the pillows and flipped on the TV. She couldn’t really find anything to watch so she settled on some brightly colored kids cartoon that she didn’t understand a word of. Jared came out of the bathroom to find her there and smiled. He’d only pulled a pair of sweatpants on when he crawled onto the bed and pushed her knees apart.
“I need you right now.” He growled into her ear before pulling back to look at her face.
For a moment they stared at one another, their eyes taking in the features of the other’s face. Jared bumped his nose into Ella’s and she pushed back. He covered her mouth with his and moved himself up more so that his hips were closer to hers. She slid down on the pillows so he was resting between her thighs.
“Jared.” She breathed as he found the sweet spot on her neck.
“Mmm.”
“Go easy please.”
He pulled back and looked down into her eyes.
“Please. I haven’t since... and you’ve got to go easy on me.”
He kissed her very gently to let her know he would do as she asked. Her hands slipped into the back of his sweatpants to grab his backside. He went back to kissing her neck as his hands started to work her shirt off.
Every move he made, every look he gave her was soft. He was treating her like he’d never touched her before, like he was slowly introducing himself to her. He slipped her pajama bottoms off and kissed down her chest and stomach before moving to her thigh. Her hands wound into his hair and he moved to her center. Gently with his tongue he flicked and she shifted her hips. He smiled before going back, his right hand moving inwards on her thigh, two fingers being gently introduced to her body. She tightened around him moaning his name.
When he’d made her finish he kissed back up to her neck. His hand stayed between her legs gently rubbing, her breathing would hitch once in awhile. He moved his lips to her mouth and she kissed back eagerly. One of her hands was still in his hair while the other had moved to his side, nails raking across his ribs to give him goosebumps.
She could feel him ready against her inner thigh. He would shift his hips to rub against her and tease her a little. He pulled back from her lips to look down into her eyes again. She bit her bottom lip and nodded. He took his hand from between her legs and used it to guide himself slowly into her. She closed her eyes and arched her back as she bit down harder on her bottom lip.
“Are you okay?” He asked in her ear once he had pushed all the way in.
“Hurts a little.” She said quietly.
He pulled back a little and pushed back in as slowly as before watching her face. She winced a little but the sigh she gave was contented.
“Ella?”
“Keep going. It feels right.” She opened her eyes to look at him.
“We can stop if you need a moment.”
“No.” She shook her head.
Jared pulled back again this time almost all the way before pushing back into her. He didn’t pause, he pulled back and thrusted back in a little quicker this time. Her back arched up again and stayed, her nails digging into his side and the hand in his hair pulling a little more. He built speed as he thrusted against her, his eyes shut as he panted. She moaned his name when he slipped his hand between her legs to rub again.
Without warning Jared pushed hard into Ella and his whole body stiffened. He moaned loudly, one hand gripping the bed sheets in a tight fist and the other pausing between her legs. All the pressure that built up in his loins released into her. The feeling of him coming into her made her body tighten around him. Jared recovered and picked up the pace he’d built. Ella’s back arched and she was all tense, her eyes were shut and she was pulling his hair hard. He could feel her starting to come. His hand went back to working in rhythm with his hips. She tightened around him so suddenly it caught him off guard. She moaned loudly, thighs tightening around him so he couldn’t move. Jared was sent over the edge again with her this time from the pressure she had around him.
He collapsed on top of her when her thighs loosened. She was breathing hard underneath him and he could feel the sweat rolling off his side down to her. His lips made contact with her neck a few times and her nails ran lightly up and down his back.
“Are you alright?” He asked once he was breathing normally.
“Yeah.” She panted.
Jared pushed up from her with his arms and slid himself out of her gently. He moved so he was lying next to her and kissed her cheek. She rolled to face him and snuggled into his chest. He put his arms tight around her kissing the top of her head.
“I love you.” She said quietly.
“I love you too Ella.”
For a moment they were silent. His feet rubbed hers and he smiled happily. The clock read close to midnight.
“Can’t we just be together again?” Jared asked quietly.
“I’m not ready yet.” Ella looked up at him. “Please don’t be upset.”
“I’m not.” He smiled down at her.
“I just can’t right now.” She looked apologetic.
He put his hand on the side of her face, his thumb rubbed her cheekbone. “I know you might never be ready again.”
“No, Jared.” She grabbed his wrist protesting what he was about to say.
“Shh, Ella.” He kissed her forehead. “It’s alright. I know you. It happened too fast and we weren’t ready. It scared you, it scared the both of us. I wish I were stronger, strong enough to keep you from being scared but I can’t be. You won’t let me. But that’s alright. I love you more than anything in my life but I know I’ve got to give you distance now. If you’re ever ready again you’ll come to me. Africa showed me that. I’ve just got to be patient.”
Ella had tears on her cheeks.
“Why are you crying. You never cry.” He said wiping them away.
“I hurt you.”
“It’s okay.”
“No it’s not. I can’t keep hurting you.”
“Hey, hey.” He kissed her. “It’s not all your fault.”
“You’re making excuses.”
“No I’m not, Ella. I had a part in our daughter. I got you pregnant. It’s partly my fault this time.”
“J.”
“Shh.” He kissed her again this time trying not to cry himself. “I like it when you call me that.”
They fell asleep without another word. In the sixteen years that Jared knew Ella he could count on one hand how many times he’d seen her cry. He wasn’t worried about her this time like he was the other few times. He knew she had what she needed near her, him. All she needed was him and no matter in what way she asked he would be there. If it was just her friend he’d be the best one she’d ever had. If it was her lover he’d never leave her alone. If it was just slipping into her bed once in awhile like this so she could find comfort with him between her thighs he’d gladly spend the night with her.