Troubled Youth

After China, Ella had gone back home to California. Jared continued touring with Matt, Tomo, and Shannon. The year ended they they had a nice holiday year end with each other. Emma was there for Christmas dinner along with Constance and a few of their other friends. Ella and Emma made the whole dinner themselves and kept Shannon out the kitchen with a fly swatter. That didn’t work so well for Jared because he claimed it felt good and kept coming back so Ella would hit him with it again. When they went to bed that night Jared had brought the fly swatter into the bedroom with a mischievous glint in his eye. Ella opted for bringing out the riding crop instead making the glint in his eye brighter and his lips to crack a smile.
New Years Day saw Terry come over and take pictures of Jared in his briefs against a white wall to which Ella rolled her eyes and walked out of the room for. Terry tried to get her in front of his lens but she wouldn’t do it. She was back in shape but didn’t feel like stripping down to her underwear or less.
Before long the boys were back out on tour. Ella found out that the first tour of the year was the last tour for Matt. He had family issues he needed to take care of at home and had to quit the band. While this saddened them all they agreed to let him go after the tour finished.
To fill Matt’s place they had one of their friends, Tim Kelleher, to fill in on the road. He played bass and knew all their songs so it was a natural fit for him to join them as their touring bassist. Tim didn’t know how long it would last but the chance to see the world was too big for him to pass up.
Jared and Ella were still mostly friends with the occasional climbing into bed with one another. He just couldn’t seem to gain any ground with her and had given in deciding she’d come to him when she wanted him. This didn’t mean he was going to sit around and wait for her though. He couldn’t spend his time alone waiting for her to wake up, for her to be ready again. He started dating other women and this didn’t seem to bother Ella.
However, when Ella started going out with someone Jared was bothered. He had been under the impression that she wanted him but just wasn’t ready to date again. He didn’t understand why she was dating someone else. There wasn’t much he could do or say about it. Jared was dating someone and he was on the road.
Something had changed with Ella. She had met someone and she was sticking with him. He wasn’t a one nighter and she felt good -damn near normal if she had a guess at what that felt like- hanging out with him. He hadn’t asked about her past and she didn’t feel the need to tell him.
At least Constance was happy to see Ella giving signs of moving on. She was worried about the girl if she were honest. She would have rather Ella moved on with Jared and not someone else but that was just the way things went. Jared was hardly ever home anymore and Ella was bound to meet other people.
In the first three months of both Jared and Ella’s relationships one ended while the other continued. Jared and his girlfriend broke up. Ella was still strong with her boyfriend. This made things a little difficult for Jared when he came home that May.
Ella was sleeping in her old room again and sometimes her boyfriend was too. Jared finally took the time to learn his name, Adrian, and tried to be friends with the guy for Ella’s sake. Jared didn’t want any problems in the house between him and Ella. He didn’t want to push her away again and when he tried he found that Adrian was a good guy. He took good care of Ella anyways.
That month brought a hard event to swallow for both Jared and Ella. Judas, who was basically their child, became sick. The vet couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. He was lethargic and wouldn’t want to run in the morning with Jared. He spent most of his time lying on his side in the backyard. When he started crying Jared knew something was wrong. The first time he did it Jared got Judas into the truck and took him back to the vet. Ella got over there as fast as she could when she heard what was going on.
By the time Ella walked in the doors she knew it was bad. She could read it in Jared’s face. He already heard the news, there was nothing they could do. Judas was dying and they didn’t know why. He was eleven years old and it was his time. Jared and Ella opted to give him something to help him pass so he wouldn’t suffer and cry through it.
The two of them sat in the examination room alone hugging and crying. Jared was saying he was sorry and Ella was telling him it was alright. A year ago they had given up their daughter and now they had lost Judas who was like a son.
This pushed a wedge between the two of them. They didn’t fight, but there was something between them that neither of them seemed to be able to get around or talk about. They just weren’t as close anymore. They didn’t try to talk about anything they’d been through. In fact they really only said hello and asked how the other was anymore.
Jared left again on tour. They were going across an ocean this time to play in another country. Ella kind of wanted to go with them. She missed her friends and missed traveling. Adrian found out that Ella wanted to travel again and surprised her with a trip to Italy a few months later. At this point they had been together seven months and while some would have called that a little extreme it was Ella that was in this situation. Nothing about that girl was ever normal.
After this trip to Italy that Ella returned from around the same time as Jared returned from touring the world, the Christmas holiday season, he couldn’t help but notice a ring on her left hand. He avoided talking to her as much as he could because he knew what that ring meant. Jared didn’t want it to be real. He didn’t want to think of her marrying anyone other than him, not even if the guy she was with gave her just as much as he would and took just as good care of her as he would. He couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed.
Maybe he had tricked himself into thinking they had something else. Maybe he had let his head run a little wild. Sure he was out there dating women for a few months at a clip earning himself a reputation for being a playboy but it all meant nothing. He was just keeping busy until Ella figured herself out.
Now she had but it was with someone else.
Then again maybe all she needed was someone else. Someone who didn’t know everything she’d been through. Someone who just let her be who she was without questioning it and supporting her in whatever she decided to do. Jared would have tried to do that but he would fail. He always had to question and find answers. He didn’t believe ignorance was bliss.
Still, he couldn’t help but be a little happy for her. She looked happy with Adrian and she sounded happy too. Jared felt like they needed to sit somewhere and talk awhile. He wanted to know what had changed even if he didn’t have a real right to. He asked her if she’d take a walk with him and Ella agreed heading out with him on the trails behind the house.
For a while they talked about Judas and how he liked going back where they were walking. They laughed at the silly things Judas would do. It was sort of an ice breaker for the heavy things Jared wanted to get to. Ella was by no means the kind of person that would respond better to a deep conversation if she was engaged in a lighter one first, it was just for Jared to get his feet underneath himself.
They made it out to their tree and Ella climbed into it first. Jared followed her up and could only think of when he was here to tell her he was going to ask Cameron to marry him. This was almost the same kind of situation just inverted on him.
“There’s something bothering you and I hope you spit it out quick.” Ella said leaning back against a tree branch.
“You’re getting married.” Jared responded just a quickly to her blunt statement.
“And that bothers you?” She almost sounded surprised.
“Yeah, because you’re not getting married to me.”
Ella shook her head. “That’s a record for you, coming out that quick with what’s wrong.”
Jared didn’t say anything.
“Did you want to marry me or something?”
“Yeah, I did for a while. I even asked you once.” Anger was coming into his tone from her responses.
“You didn’t ask. You said we should because it was the right thing to do.”
“And you said no.”
“Because it wasn’t right.”
“If I had asked, if I had gotten down on one knee and asked you, would you have said yes?” Jared looked at her slightly afraid of her answer.
Ella said nothing, she just looked away from him. Jared sighed. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad answer.
“Okay, fine. But what if it’s not right to marry Adrian either?” Jared cut the silent tension with a question.
“I already said yes.”
“I can’t just believe that would be the end of it.” Jared shook his head and shifted in the tree to turn his body towards her. “A little less than two years ago we had a chance to be a family and we gave that up because we weren’t ready. I thought that meant we would be ready some day. I thought that meant you loved me and didn’t want to throw out the idea of us.”
“You thought because of an accident we were meant to be together?”
“Do you realize how hypocritical you sound, how cold you are being?”
“I’m not being a hypocrite and I’ve always been cold.”
“Oh yeah?” Jared shook his head. “How about when your mother ended up pregnant with you? While you knew it wasn’t planned you still vehemently insist that you weren’t an accident, that you weren’t a mistake. You once told me a long time ago under a tent in the African desert that you didn’t believe in accidents or mistakes. You said that a day after you explained your relationship with your mother. Now you’re saying that our daughter was an accident. You are reducing her to something that just... that just happened.” There were tears in his eyes but his voice was seething.
Ella was silent as she stared at Jared but he wasn’t finished.
“She didn’t just happen.” A few tears spilled over his bottom eyelids. “She’s still out there a month and six days away from her second birthday and we don’t even know what her first word was. She’s out there growing up into who she’s supposed to be and I hope she’s not like you. I hope she doesn’t hurt someone over and over like you do to me.”
“Why can’t you just accept that we’ll never work?” She asked, nothing in her voice hinting that his words had done anything to her.
“Because I can’t. I don’t believe that this is where we end.”
“There is no us.”
“No, but there was once and you can’t ever deny that because there is living proof of us out there somewhere in the world.”
“Would you stop talking about her?”
“No. I’ll never stop.” His eyes were hard, his mouth a thin line after he spoke.
“You’re hurting me.”
“Yeah? Think about how much it hurts me. Think about how much you hurt me.” He pointed at his own chest for emphasis.
“Jared what am I supposed to do? I found someone who makes me happy and takes care of me. I found someone who made me feel alright again and I want to marry him. I want to stay happy and I’m sorry that it couldn’t go your way, that you couldn’t fix me, but it’s life. That’s what happens. I don’t look at him and see all my mistakes over the past seventeen years. I don’t look at him and feel regret like I do when I see you. We’re tainted and nothing can fix that. Nothing can erase what happened between us because like you said, she’s out there learning to walk and talk with other people for parents. I can’t be with you anymore because it hurts so much. God knows I want to be able to Jared. I want you to be happy more than anything and I want you to be happy with me more than that. I wish I could do it but I can’t handle it. I can’t look at you and not regret what I’ve done to you. I can’t.”
“Ella.”
“Don’t. I know that tone. You’re about to apologise to me. You’re about to go back on what you said and try to fix it. You can’t. It’s been said.”
“But Ella.”
“We’re done.” She slipped out of the tree and landed on the ground. “I’ll see you later.”
She started walking on her own down the slope from the tree. Jared watched her go as he bit his bottom lip. He could tell now that she’d started to cry. She’d never let anyone see her if she could help it but once she felt she was a safe distance away or shut up in her room she’d let go.
Ella walked for a long time down the trail where there was a parking lot and the entrance to the back trails before she called Tomo. She asked him to pick her up and he said he’d be there in a few minutes. He brought Vicki with him because he wasn’t sure what was going on. They found Ella sitting on a sidewalk near the parking lot. She got up and slid into the back seat without a word. Vicki turned around and one look between the two women sent Ella into tears again. Tomo was alarmed and unsure what to do. Vicki got out of the car and into the back seat. She told Tomo to drive back to their apartment and put her arms around Ella.
By the time Ella was safe with Tomo and Vicki, Jared was back at his own house. He was in the backyard breaking anything near and and sobbing at the same time. Shannon stood back for a while watching unsure what to do. Then he walked over to his little brother and pulled him into an arresting hug. Jared fought him for a little before collapsing his body weight into Shannon. Jared’s fists grabbed onto Shannon’s shirt and he sobbed against his brother’s shoulders. All the tension and the emotions Jared had been keeping at bay were surfacing. It wasn’t just about Ella anymore. It was about his daughter Soleil, Judas, Ella, and general stress from being constantly on the road.
They sat in the backyard until Jared sat up on his own and wiped at his eyes. Shannon took a good look at his brother’s face and then told him they were going inside. Emma was standing there when they came in with a glass of water she handed to Jared. She’d been in the house the whole time and had been too scared to go into the backyard. She’d never seen Jared like that and thought it best for Shannon to handle it.

February of next year Ella was sitting at the kitchen table opening one of two small boxes that had just come in the mail. Jared hung back waiting to see what she was opening. She lifted a small white card out of the box. It was a wedding invitation with someone’s response in it. Jared still had his invitation sitting on his desk because he hadn’t decided if he wanted to go, if he could bear going.
She smiled at the small note written inside and then took something else out of the box wrapped in tissue paper. She looked at the delicate paper for a moment and put it back into the box without unwrapping it. Whoever it was must have said they couldn’t attend and sent her a gift. The second box looked like the same type of thing.
Jared pushed off the wall he had been leaning against and headed back upstairs. He sat on his bed and looked at his hands. Nervously he started picking at them and thinking about Ella’s wedding. It was two months away. This all seemed to be happening too fast. He wanted to tell her to slow down and think about it first.
When he looked up from his hands he saw Ella standing in his doorway. He looked away from her thinking she had known he was watching her earlier; he felt his cheeks flush. She stepped into the room quietly, he watched her bare feet on the carpet. He loved her feet.
“Hi.” She sat down next to him.
“Hey.” His voice sounded harsher than he had anticipated.
“I was wondering what you were up to.”
“Just thinking. Writing a song kind of.”
“You’ve been writing a lot lately. At least since you’ve been home.”
“Been writing a lot on tour too. We’re making another album soon. This year I think.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
“Look, Jared I don’t want to seem pushy but-”
“I know what you’re in here for. I haven’t decided yet.”
“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I won’t be upset. I don’t want you unhappy.”
“Well I’m going to be either way.” He sighed.
“Jared.”
“What Ella? You want me to be happy that you’re being taken away from me? You want me to stand there and watch you give up everything we could ever have for someone else?”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
“Then what is it? What is the point of me watching you marry someone else?” He sounded defeated as his hands rubbed over his face.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever trusted as deeply as I did my father. I need you there but if you can’t bear it I won’t make you watch me get married.”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s in two months. If I don’t get an answer from you I’ll leave a place for you at the party.”
Jared nodded.
“I wish this could be easier.”
“Me too.”
Ella left his room and went into her own. She shut the door and leaned against it looking into her closet where her wedding dress was. A tear spilled over her bottom lid and she wiped it away. One sad sigh and then she left her room to go back down stairs.

The two months flew by. Jared woke up and his heart immediately dropped. He was tired from a fitful night of sleep, his bed was a mess, and he looked terrible. Hoping a shower would fix him up he pushed out of bed and went into his bathroom. All he could see was Ella getting ready in his mind. She was at Constance’s already. Constance was going to help her get dressed and then get her to the beach where she was getting married. For a second Jared wondered who was giving her away since her father had passed but he shook that out of his head.
He didn’t know what he was going to do. His unanswered invitation still sat on his desk. Many times he had sat staring at it chewing his lip with a pen hovering between the yes and no boxes. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do until he looked at the clock.
There was one hour before she was to get married. Jared walked over to his closet and got dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. He put on his sunglasses and shoes before heading out the door. He started to walk towards Red, his Plymouth from a long ago show, but changed his mind to a smaller black and less conspicuous car.
Jared ended up at the beach a little ways down leaning against a palm tree. He could see from a distance everyone sitting. Adrian was standing at the front smiling because he knew Ella would be there soon. Jared bit his lip hard when he heard music start. She was coming.
He watched her walk slowly up the aisle in her white dress holding flowers. On the other side of her was Shannon. Jared nodded when he saw that. She had asked Shannon to give her away. He wondered why no one had told him that, probably because they were afraid it would upset him. Jared watched as Ella’s hands were placed in Adrian’s.
In his head he was running through all kinds of movies he’d seen. He was looking for a sign when that part came up and the guy would burst in begging the girl not to get married. Part of him wanted to run down there screaming for them to stop just like a corny romance movie but his feet were glued to the spot he was standing. The moment had passed, he was sure.
They were exchanging rings. Jared’s heart fell. He had hoped she’d stop at the last minute and run away but she didn’t. She leaned in and kissed Adrian. Everyone stood up and clapped. It was so happy down there on the beach, that made him feel even worse.
Jared pulled a cigarette from the pack he’d taken from Shannon’s room and lit it; he knew it would make his mind a little calmer. He took a very long drag. The nicotine hit his system and he exhaled slowly. Tonight was going to be a rough night. He knew Shannon would be asking him if he was okay when he came home so Jared decided to beat him. Jared got back into his car after crushing out his cigarette and found a hotel to stay at for the night.
He laid down on the clean bed face first and closed his eyes letting his emotions wash over him. He cried for a long time seeing over and over in his head Ella get married to Adrian. When he felt like he had himself under control he rolled over and picked up his phone to call Terry. Terry didn’t answer and he figured that was because Terry had gone to Ella’s wedding and was probably partying. Jared scrolled through his contacts but couldn’t find anyone he knew he could call.
That was one of the hardest nights of Jared’s life.

After Ella got married Jared left to film a movie. It was cerebral kind of film that was very artistic. Part of his role scared him. He was supposed to play a father of three for a portion of the film and that hit him close to home. No one but those very close to him knew about his daughter, there wouldn’t be anyone there to help him get through the filming.
He did his best taking it all in stride. He found he could get through the day and hide the thoughts running through his head well enough. Emma was always there to take care of anything he needed. When it got to night and he was alone things got difficult. He curled up in his bed and traced invisible patterns on the sheets with his fingers thinking about Soleil.
What was she doing? Was she happy? Did she look more like Ella or more like him? He knew she had his nose from the one day he saw her, the few precious moments he had holding her. He’d only ever kissed her twice in her whole life. His heart was broken.
One particularly difficult night Jared called Ella but he could hardly get a word out without his voice cracking. He was trying so hard not to cry but it wasn’t working. She told him just to stop holding back and get it all out. He cried for a good fifteen minutes before he could talk. That ended up being the lengthiest conversation they had in a long time. He spent two hours on the phone with her talking about how hard it was to play this part in the movie. She did nothing but encourage him.
After that one phone call he tried not to run to Ella with his problem. Instead he called Shannon or his mother. They were the two people he knew would give him all the time he needed and knew how to make him feel better. It just felt wrong to call Ella and cry to her when she was married and somewhere else. He was feeling like his whole world had shifted without notice. He felt like it was off balance and he would topple over any moment.

The year only proved to get worse. EMI, the record label for the band, changed management. This caused a whole lot of problems for all the artists. Shannon, Jared, and Tomo found out they were being sued for thirty million dollars. They lost their funding for the next album and pretty much all support because the new label head claimed the band owed them money.
First instinct from everyone was to fight it. They got in contact with their lawyer and started looking for ways to get out of it. Ways to even possibly leave the label if they had to. It wasn’t fair that they were being put to carry such a burden when all they ever did was make the label money and never saw a cent of what they deserved. They would have made music for free if they would have been able to. Hell, they had made music for free since they’d never been paid and they were somehow in debt an astronomical amount.
Tomo, the happiest one in the group, went through the biggest change. Maybe it was because the man was always so happy or because no one could remember seeing him angry. The man had to count to ten before he said something he regretted and often times he still didn’t say anything.
The upset was visible with everyone involved in the band. Jared snuck a few cigarettes -though it wasn’t really sneaking because Ella wasn’t around anymore- and spent a lot of time on the phone with the lawyer trying to figure things out. Shannon smoked more than normal and tried to calm himself down by taking long rides on his motorcycle early in the morning before traffic hit. Tomo tried to just sit quietly and breathe with Vicki near him. Her presence always made him feel better.
Emma held herself pretty calm and collected. She was only twenty-six but she could handle a lot. That made Jared miss Ella, she was the same way. Emma was pretty much always by Jared’s side those days. She had files or papers that he asked for and answered the emails he couldn’t get to. She made calls, set up meetings, and even made sure Jared ate properly. He had a tendency to not eat when he was stressed or working very hard on something.
Ella was keeping her distance from the boys and most of her friends. Knowing they were being sued for thirty million stressed her out because she cared deeply for them but she knew she had to stay back. It always seemed like those kinds of situations pushed her and Jared together but she couldn’t do that now. She was married.
While she had moved out of the house with Shannon and Jared leaving them to fend for themselves, she still had a key to the place. With all the new people around and the fact that the boys had decided to do renovations to make their own studio it seemed silly to give back her key. So many other people had keys to the house that it was turning more into a business than a home. Sometimes she’d go over there just to say hello and make sure Jared and Shannon were still as mentally sane as was normal for them.
Other than that, Ella kept to herself in her new house with her new husband. She worked on more paintings than ever -though they were a much different and more pg subject matter than before- and even put together a show in a rather large gallery for the LA scene. Tomo and Vicki, and Emma came to the opening because Ella had told Vicki about it. She hadn’t said anything to anyone else. Vicki wanted to get Tomo out of the stressful environment for a few hours. They were probably the happiest couple Ella ever knew and it was a relief to see them still just as happy together as she remembered.

Despite all the stress and fear for their futures, music was still created. Jared, Shannon, and Tomo pulled from their current situation and found the best way to express their feelings was through music. Themes of war and staying true to one’s self were prominent in Jared’s words.
Still trusting Ella’s opinion over a great deal of people, Jared asked her to come by and listen to what they’d made so far. He wanted to know what she thought because he knew she’d tell him the honest truth. Her favorite album of theirs was the first self titled, her knew her favorite song was ‘Echelon’ though ‘R-evolve’ and ‘The Story’ from the second album came in at a close second and third. He hoped what they were making now would be better than anything else they’d done before. He wanted that. Asking Ella was the best way he knew how to judge. She wasn’t as close to the project as he was and she could listen from a fan’s point of view.
She came over one late afternoon with Adrian by her side. Jared asked if they wanted anything, Ella took a glass of water, and then he brought them into the studio. Jared introduced the couple to Jamie who was pretty much the live in tech for the studio they’d built. Jamie was there all hours of the day and slept in the house more often than he did at his own place.
Jamie played them some of the newer material and Ella gave her opinions. Then Jared had her listen to something he thought was close to done. She didn’t like that one much at all and he took her opinion to heart and had Jamie mark it as needing work. Adrian kept mostly quiet because he didn’t know Jared as well as Ella did. He wasn’t sure where he stood and didn’t want to offend who she called her best friend.
Ella did get a moment alone with Jared while Jamie was talking to Adrian. She pulled him off into another room and looked hard at his face. Jared kind of looked around the room and waited for her to say something.
“Are you alright?” She asked when he bit his bottom lip.
Jared looked at her wedding ring and then rubbed his eyes. “Fine. I mean as fine as you can be with a thirty million dollar lawsuit hanging over you.”
“There’s something else.”
“My back’s been bothering me again.” He shrugged. “You know, from all the weight I gained and then lost.”
“Have you gone to see someone about that?”
“Yeah, doing some therapy. It’s bad today though.” Jared was kind of hugging himself as he stood there. “Don’t worry about it though.”
“How could I not?”
“What about you? Are you doing alright?” Jared flipped the conversation on to her.
“Yeah. Everything’s great.”
Jared nodded taking another glance at her ring. “Good.”
“Is this too much?”
“What?”
“Me being here with Adrian. Is it too much?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just having a bad day because of my back.”
“Jared.”
“It’s a little more than I expected it to be. Don’t worry.” He brushed her off. “You’re happy and that’s all that matters.”
“Are you on your own?”
“Right now, yeah.”
Ella exhaled heavily. “We should get back. Adrian’s probably wondering where I went.”
“Yeah. I’m going to run upstairs and check on something first.”
“What?”
“Oh, just some filming stuff. We’ve been taping a lot that goes on during this process. If we make it out alive I want to make a film about it or something so people know what happened.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.”
Jared headed for the stairs. Ella watched him start to climb thinking that he looked a little like an old man with the way he was moving. He had ended up with some serious problems after Chapter 27. She’d missed most of the last movie he’d done, Mr. Nobody, because she’d been busy with Adrian. It was sad that Jared still had so many problems from three years ago. Then it hit her, their daughter was almost three now. The beginning of next year would bring her third birthday. A few tears sprang up in her eyes but she fought them and went to find Adrian.