Troubled Youth

“Why are you so smiley?” Ella asked when Jared walked through the door.
“Good day.” He kissed her on the cheek as he passed.
“Yeah? How?”
“Had an audition for a recurring part in a TV show. I think it went pretty well. They asked me to come back in a few days anyway.”
“What show?”
“Can’t really talk about it yet.”
“Oh come on Jared. It’s me.” Ella said grabbing his hips and pulling him back into her. “Tell me.”
“Only if you get into bed with me.”
“I’d do that anyways. You’re in a good mood which means you’ll be great tonight.”
Jared reached into his backpack and pulled out a somewhat battered looking script. Ella took it from his hands and read the title on the cover page.
“My So Called Life?”
“Yeah, kids in high school.” Jared said heading down the hall to the bedroom.
They’d been in California for almost half the year now and Ella hadn’t left. She’d found that her art sold there just as well as it did in New York. The extra cash she pulled in combined with the odd acting jobs Jared found and his day job gave them just enough to scrape together for a one bedroom apartment they shared. They’d lived together sharing a bed in the shelter for the first four months of the year and then for the past two they’d been in this apartment.
Jared came back from the bedroom after having tossed his flannel on the bed and left his backpack on the floor to find Ella sitting on some pillows in the corner of the room turning the pages of his script. She was smirking to herself and he thought he saw her roll her eyes a few times but it was hard to tell since she was looking down. Not wanting to ask anything and break her concentration, Jared went into the tiny kitchen and poked around looking for something to eat.
Ella put down the script and shook her head as she walked into the kitchen. She leaned against the wall and watched Jared nibbling on some food while looking in the fridge for more. He was aware that she was watching him but tried to keep his mind off it.
“You know that show’s got horrible teen angst written all over it, right?”
“So?” Jared glanced over his shoulder to see Ella smiling.
“And Catalano, I assume that’s your character, you’ll hate him by the end. I’m sure.”
“Why? And what if he’s not my character?” Jared asked turning and shutting the fridge to lean against it.
“Please, you’re already leaning on things. God, and you do look good.”
Jared smiled.
“You think you’ll get the part?” Ella pushed off the wall and took a step towards Jared, that was all she needed to be toe to toe with him in the small kitchen.
“What makes you think I wouldn’t?”
“Dunno. Just wanted your opinion.”
Jared shrugged with a smile looking away from Ella for a moment and then back. “Maybe.”
“Well I’ve got some paintings to get done. People are waiting on me.”
“What kind of paintings?” Jared asked following Ella out of the kitchen when she started walking.
“Same stuff that was getting me somewhere in New York. Commissions this time though. People actually gave me pictures of them doing what gets them off for me to paint.”
“No way.” Jared smirked looking at the desk Ella had bought for cheap with all her art stuff on it.
“You just want to look at porn.” She smiled when he picked up a few photos.
“Maybe.”
“Sick bastard.” She started moving things on her desk.
“The paintings look better than the photos.” Jared said setting the photos down.
“You’re just being nice so I sleep with you tonight.”
“Is that such a bad thing?” He asked starting to gather her hair into his hands.
“Nope.”
Jared pulled her hair back off her neck and leaned in to kiss it. She smiled and turned her head to kiss his cheek. Jared let her hair fall back into place and smoothed it down before leaving her to pick up the script and fall onto the bed with a crash. He was going to try and learn what he could from the script he was given though he didn’t have many lines.
For a moment Jared’s eyes flickered over to Ella’s beat up bean bag but then he shook his head deciding against curling up in it. He knew it was comfortable but he’d only ever slept on it once. It was so strange to think that he hadn’t been on it in almost two years, it was just a silly bean bag, but she wouldn’t let him near it.
Ella worked a few hours on her painting commissions before cleaning up to let them dry so she could finish the details later. It was still a little while before she needed to go to work and thought of a way to pass the time but when she looked down the hall into the bedroom Jared was asleep on the bed spread out as far as his limbs would go. She shook her head and got up from her desk to go back into the kitchen.
There wasn’t any point in trying to make something worth being a full meal so Ella just did the same thing Jared had done a little while before picking through the fridge and nibbling on things. However nibbling didn’t pass nearly as much time as she wanted it to so she went down to the bathroom and took a quick rinse not washing her hair. It was much closer to her scheduled shift when she got out but Jared was still asleep. She tossed a blanket over him before she left hoping he’d be awake when she got back.

Ella’s paintings got more and more popular. Just by word of mouth her name got around and she was kind of noted for doing what people were calling pornographic paintings. She didn’t think of them that way but an art magazine labeled it that and she went with it. A few of the people in New York she did paintings for sent her more pictures and paid her to make other paintings.
Jared got called back for his role in My So Called Life and eventually told Ella that he’d gotten the part. There was a date set to film a pilot episode and then the show was to be shopped around hoping to be picked up.
Less of their time was spent together. They still slept in the same room, but it wasn’t together. Only when he was in his bed and she was in her bean bag and they never woke up missing clothing. They weren’t sleeping with each other so much anymore and that could have been due to the fact that both of them had met people they were interested in but hadn’t said anything about them to each other yet.
There was a nice strawberry blonde with freckles that Jared had his eye on. She came in where he worked quite often and always lingered around wherever he was finding questions to ask him. He loved that she was doing that but he’d been told by his boss that he’d have to either ask the girl out so she stopped pulling him from restocking the shelves or he would be working in the back. Jared was trying to think of a way to ask her out and tell Ella he was thinking about seeing someone.
Ella saw no reason yet to tell Jared they had to stop sleeping together. She hadn’t been in a committed relationship in a few years though Shannon would tell her she was pretty much in one with Jared since she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. The guy she had her eye on had actually contacted her after hearing about the paintings she did and asked if she would do one with just a singular subject getting himself off. Ella liked the idea and liked the pictures he sent her even more.
When she was getting ready to deliver the painting to him since he didn’t live too far from her she took that day to tell Jared what she was thinking. Jared was sitting on the couch with a script in his lap reading over it while their small TV blared commercials for shampoo. She sat on the couch next to him and tapped his shoulder.
“What?”
“Gotta talk to you about something.”
“Okay.” Jared was still reading his script and hadn’t looked up at Ella.
She reached out and grabbed his jaw to turn his face towards hers. “You need to listen to me.”
“I was.”
“We’re going to have to stop sleeping together.”
“What, like in the same room?” Jared asked pointing down the hall.
“No, like I mean I’m going to stop climbing into your bed.”
“Why?”
“I think I met somebody.”
“Oh.”
The way he said that ‘oh’ and his eyes flickered away from her almost hurt Ella. For a second she realised he probably did care about her too much to think they were only friends. She bit her lip and waited watching his face but he did nothing.
“I’m going to meet him in a little and I just wanted you to know that what we do might change.”
“Well that’s fine because I kind of met someone too.” Jared sighed taking his script back up and starting to read again.
“That’s good.” Ella smiled pushing Jared’s shoulder.
“Yeah.”
She could see he didn’t really want to talk anymore so Ella got up from the couch and went down to their bedroom. Ella wondered if maybe she would have to stop sleeping in the same room as Jared, if that might be weird to the guy she was going to see. Ella shook her head telling herself she was getting too far ahead, nothing could happen after all.
Something did happen when she went to drop off the painting. The guy, Alexander, asked Ella to stay a while and she went into his apartment willingly. He lived alone but had plenty of space to himself. He opened up the painting she had wrapped to protect and he loved it. He even put it up on the wall where he’d planned to while she was sitting there on his couch.
“You don’t mind that people will come into your living room and see you masturbating?” Ella smiled.
“You didn’t mind staring for hours while you painted it.” He grinned sitting next to her.
Ella smiled back and leaned towards him. “Not to kill any notion of what I liked in your mind but when I was painting that -or anything for the matter- it’s all analytical.”
“Oh, then you must know me pretty well.” He leaned towards her putting a hand on her thigh.
“Physically I know what you look like well. At least your hips, stomach, and right arm. I don’t know your face as well as I should.”
“So I’ve been reduced to something sexual in your mind.” His lips were close to hers.
“Everything is reduced to something sexual in my mind.”
Alex took that as his cue to lean in and kiss Ella. It had been so long since she’d felt anyone but Jared against her. Not since the summer of ‘91 had another man touched her. This was long needed and felt just as new and fun as it did when she started with Jared. Two years straight with just Jared was far too much for her to deal with. Any longer and they might as well have been together.
Ella ended up spending the night at Alex’s apartment and Jared figured out what had happened. He tried not to let it bother him since he was pretty sure he knew where she was but he found himself waking up every hour or so to look over at the empty bean bag and miss seeing her sleeping there.
Jared asked that strawberry blonde out the next day and she seemed relieved to have him finally ask her. When they did go out she told him she had almost been done waiting for him to make a move and was about to ask him herself. Jared like that she was going to make a move on him, he liked a woman who didn’t care about the social norms of dating.
At first it was a little awkward for the two of them to be seeing other people. They slept in the same room for a while and both seemed to not be bothered by it. Ella explained to Alex why they shared a room and their past and Alex didn’t mind. He said he trusted Ella and that meant a lot to her.
Jared on the other hand hadn’t said anything to his girlfriend and Ella got the feeling she didn’t like that they still slept in the same room. Even when Ella said there wasn’t anywhere else to sleep but the one bedroom the other girl still said sleeping on the couch was an option. Ella just shook her head and left the conversation there since Jared had so tactfully stepped out of the room when the subject came up.
The end of ‘93 came and went. Jared had a birthday party Shannon threw that rivaled the one Jared had thrown Shannon earlier in the year. The two of them were always competing to be better than the other but Jared had an idea of what to do for Shannon’s next birthday.
With the new year Jared started a regular filming schedule for My So Called Life. Ella had been making jokes about how he was leaning on things in the apartment now rather than sitting but he said it was practice. She’d made the mistake once of telling Jared he looked really attractive leaning and he knew she’d meant it. This was his real reason for leaning whenever she was around, not because of practice.
Ella would read through the scripts Jared was give and sometimes practice the few lines he had. She tried hard not to laugh at some of the things his character said because they were either stupid or awkwardly out of place but Jared insisted he didn’t hate the part. He said he had fun playing Jordan Catalano but Ella was sure he’d hate it later. She already didn’t like his character because where they said Jordan was ‘mysterious’ she just read as ‘shady’ and not someone she thought she would want to hang out with.
Then again Ella wasn’t fifteen like Angela Chase was, she was almost twenty-two now and knew a bit more about guys than Angela’s character should have. Ella also reminded herself that this was a TV show and maybe not all the people watching it knew as much as she did.
The other thing that Ella noticed about Jared and his relationship with his girlfriend was that he never practiced his lines with her, he never even let her read the scripts. She wondered about that and why he only shared things with Ella like that and not his girlfriend. In the end Ella tried not to think about it too much. She was busy with her own projects to care too much about Jared’s relationships.
Eventually Ella did move her bean bag out of the bedroom and start sleeping in the living room. At first she said it was because she was out there painting and working on things more than in the bedroom but Jared knew it was so she didn’t have to listen to the complaints about Ella being in there anymore.
There had been an agreement between Ella and Jared that neither of them would have sex in the apartment while the other was there just out of courtesy since they used to do it together. That was all fine and understandable. Ella would go to Alex’s place and that’s when Jared would have his girlfriend stay the night.
The real reason was Jared didn’t think he could handle seeing Ella with someone else. He didn’t want to hear it either but knew if it was just that he might be able to deal, but seeing it would be too much. He knew she was working on a painting of the two of them but he just refused to look at her table.
When he talked to Shannon about this Shannon told him what he already knew, that he shouldn’t be so bothered by it when he had a girl in his bed himself. It wasn’t like Ella was the only one with someone else. Shannon knew just from the way his brother sounded on the phone that his girlfriend wasn’t keeping his attention as well as she used to and that could lead to a bad situation.
Ella was starting to relate Jared’s life to the show he was currently on. He had started to hate the things his character did, the way he treated Angela and Ella sat there laughing because she’d said this would happen. When his girlfriend had come over and Ella had been sitting on Jared’s bed reading through a script with him she gave Ella a dirty look before going into the bathroom.
“God, she’s such a Sharon.”
“That’s not her name. And what’s that supposed to mean anyways?”
“Sharon like in the show. Your girlfriend is totally a Sharon. Jordan Catalano would not date Sharon.”
“Oh God, Ella. Come on. “ Jared buried his face in his hands. “And I’m not Jordan Catalano so I would date her.”
“I know, I’m Catalano... except I can read.”
“Why are you Catalano?”
“Because I want to have sex with everyone.”
“That would make you Rayanne.”
“Mmm yeah, I just didn’t want to be her because of the drugs and alcohol bit. But Catalano wants to have sex with everyone too.”
“But you wanted to be someone who can’t read?”
“Fine I’m Rayanne. At least I’m fucking funny. Later Catalano.”
“Ugh.”
Ella smiled and left Jared’s room. They hadn’t finished their scene but Ella knew since his girlfriend was there they were done anyways. He didn’t want to talk about the show when she was there so Ella just popped out to work on her paintings.
She’d quit her day job since she was pulling in enough money now to just paint. The other reason was she knew Jared’s girlfriend thought what she did was gross and pornographic so she made sure to be painting when she came over. Alex came over and Ella sat in his lap while painting. He kissed the back of her shoulder and let his hands roam around while she worked she hardly noticed him. She hardly noticed anything when she was working.
Jared and his girlfriend were leaving the apartment a few minutes later and Jared saw Alex kissing and touching Ella. A bitter pang of jealousy washed over him and he had to look away. It was suddenly painfully clear to him that it had been seven long months since he had so much as touched Ella. They’d cut off everything physical about their relationship, even tapping each other on the shoulder to get the other’s attention had stopped. He missed her skin against his and he knew he was going to have a hard time caring about his girlfriend while they were out on their date.
The next few days were almost painful for Jared. He didn’t know why he had to feel this way about Ella still. He hadn’t let his girlfriend come over since the last time she was there because he didn’t want to see her. In truth he was trying to figure out a way to end a seven month relationship but had no idea how.
Jared just leaned around on things in the apartment and pretended not to notice Ella was there. She knew he was trying to look attractive so she ignored him as well. He came back one night from filming and planned to sit with Ella while she painted and just watch but when he came through the door he found she was asleep on the couch already. It wasn’t that late when he looked at the clock so Jared checked the apartment to see if Alex was around but found nothing.
With a shrug Jared went back out and turned the TV off. He turned around to look down at Ella. She didn’t have a blanket so he pulled one off her bean bag and then paused. He put the blanket down and picked Ella up. His forearm was against her back and the skin on skin contact made him bite his bottom lip. He hadn’t touched her in so long.
He laid her down in her bean bag but Ella had opened her eyes. She smiled at Jared and reached up to run a hand through his hair. He grabbed the blanket and started to put it over her but she stopped him and grabbed his shirt to pull him closer.
“I’ve missed you.” She said quietly.
“I’ve missed you too Ella. We’ve just both been busy.” He was aware that her hand was on his neck.
They stared at one another too scared to move, to scared to cause any friction between them. This was dangerous water they were stepping into. Without thinking about it Jared got down on his knees rather than leaning over her. He pushed her knees apart and made room for himself. She gripped his hips with her thighs warning him this was getting too far but his lips were on her neck.
Ella curled the fingers of her right hand into Jared’s long hair and pulled his face to hers. His lips pushed hard into hers and her tongue found its way into his mouth. He slid his hands under her shirt wanting it off. They continued pulling clothes off one another not thinking about what they were doing. They were both naked when it hit them.
“Jared, you have a girlfriend.” Ella said pulling his face from her neck to look him in the eyes.
“You have a boyfriend.” He reminded her.
“It’s kind of loose.”
“I don’t even want to ask what that means.”
“I’m painting porn, what do you think it means.” She looked up at him. “I need models and sometimes all I have is myself or him and someone else.”
“Ella, I didn’t want to know.” He leaned down and kissed her ear. “I don’t want to think about anyone else having you.”
“It’s all business.” She sighed against his neck, her teeth caught the black choker he had on and tugged it letting it snap back against his skin. He sighed, the little shock of pain turning him on. That was new. The pain she inflicted on him, though minimal, made him want her more.
“Then let me in.” He kissed across her neck to the other side. “Please let me in.”
“Jared, I can’t.” She pushed up on his shoulders. “This isn’t business.”
He pressed himself against her but she gripped tighter with her thighs to stop him. “Jared.”
“Ella, please. I need you.” He sighed in her ear. “I need you.”
“No you don’t.”
“We can make this about business.” He reached for the camera on her desk.
Ella grabbed his arm and pulled it back to her. He looked down almost begging her with his eyes. He kissed her lips gently and whispered please bumping his nose against hers.
“Jared.”
“Ella.”
She grabbed the camera and looked up at him from under her brow like the first time they did this on her bean bag. He knew now that look was meant to mean she was doing something she didn’t want to admit she needed just as bad as he did. Jared smiled pushing his lips to her neck while Ella put a new roll of film into the camera and charged up the flash. He rubbed himself against her making her reach down with one hand to grab him and stop it. He giggled tugging on her ear with his teeth. Ella took a picture of this, the flash lighting up the room for just a second.
She guided him in slowly since it had been a while since they’d been together. He almost died with the feeling after months of not touching her. He groaned in her ear backing out and pushing in again. Ella was still using the camera since he suggested they make this about business. Jared took it from her taking a few pictures himself after he’d rolled in the bean bag to get her on top of him.
Ella leaned down against his chest and spoke in his ear, “If this is about how people get off, then you need to get behind me.”
“Are you sure?” He asked kissing her cheek.
“Yes.”
Jared let her get off of him and he waited for her to get on her hands and knees. She looked back at him in the dark over her shoulder and he positioned himself behind her. She nodded and he slipped back into her slowly. For a while they both forgot about the camera, Jared found why this was her favorite position, he could get much deeper. Ella picked up the camera and handed it to Jared so with one hand he was taking pictures and with the other he was gripping her hip to pull her back against him.
The roll of film ran out and the camera was abandoned but Jared wasn’t done with Ella yet. He rolled her back over and situated himself between her hips again kissing from her neck down. Ella grabbed the camera and another roll of film while he teased her thigh with his mouth. She took pictures while he went down on her before he made her drop the camera and become helpless to him. He knew her well enough to render her unable to do anything but feel him.
When the second roll was out Ella wound it back up and set it next to the other. Jared was sitting in her bean bag watching as she put the rolls into a bag and then set the bag in her purse. He figured that meant they would be the next rolls she would develop and he wondered if he wanted her to paint from them. He was kind of nervous about it.
She sat in his lap and leaned back against his chest so that Jared wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her shoulder. For a while she sat there letting him touch her because she had missed it too but eventually she told him to go to bed in his room and he listened. She curled up in her bean bag and fell asleep. He wondered how he was going to tell his girlfriend what he had just done, or if he even should.
For the next week those rolls of film sat in Ella’s purse. She wanted to get them developed but she was hoping they’d come out blank. Then she would have no proof of that night with Jared, then she could pretend it was a dream. She knew Alex probably wouldn’t mind but she was worried about Jared’s girlfriend. As much as Ella disliked the girl she didn’t want to hurt her like that.
But then Ella finally got around to developing the film and making prints -this roll she did herself since Jared was popping up in magazines now and she didn’t want to risk the photos getting stolen- she found there was proof enough for that night to have happened. They were good photos, great for reference, but she put them away and said nothing of them. Jared never asked and Ella never showed him.
Jared eventually found a way to tell his girlfriend he wasn’t in the relationship like he should have been anymore. He said nothing of what he did with Ella because in truth he’d been done with his relationship before that, she just didn’t know it.
Ella still slept in the living room though Jared had hoped she’d move back in. He started to realize that their dynamic had changed. Technically they’d both cheated on their significant others for each other and that was not something Ella proudly admitted. She hated cheaters and was no exception to herself. She didn’t like what she’d done and it was only worse because she hadn't told Alex. At first she thought he wouldn’t mind it but when she thought about it and what hers and Jared’s history was like she knew Alex would have minded it, that it would have upset him.
Instead Ella let that relationship continue on through the rest of the year. It was cruel to do when she still lived with Jared and she could tell just how he felt about her but she was a chicken. She couldn’t tell Alex and the longer she waited the worse that would have been for him to hear. She just let the relationship burn itself out and Alex eventually ended it. Ella was relieved.
Jared was still hurt by Ella not saying anything to Alex and ending it sooner. He felt like that would have been the only right thing to do and it made him wonder about Ella, if she really was someone he wanted to be with. He was just the smallest bit glad she hadn’t moved back into the bedroom yet and that they hadn’t slept together since that night.