Troubled Youth

Jared was lying on the bed watching Ella pack a suitcase of clothes. He knew where she was going without her telling him just by the dress she had packed. She was off to visit her dad on their once a year visits. He wanted to go with her again like he had for the past four years but this time he couldn’t make it, he was in the middle of filming a movie and couldn’t get out of it.
She wouldn’t be gone very long and she wouldn’t be very far away either. They still met at the same hotel in Beverly Hills so Jared knew if he needed her he could get to her. Ella was taking Jared’s car, the only thing he’d kept from the TV show ‘My So Called Life’ was the red 1968 Plymouth Fury Jordan Catalano drove. This meant Jared would have to take the bus but he rather she had the car then take the bus. He wasn’t there to protect her so at least his car could.
“This isn’t just about sex is it?” Jared asked watching Ella hold another dress up to herself.
“Hmm?” She hadn’t been really listening to him.
“You and your mother, this isn’t just about sex is it?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ella, I have known you for five years now. Don’t you think you can trust me with whatever it is that’s in your past?”
“No.”
“Why? It’s in your past, Ella. I just want to understand.” He sat up and grabbed her hand so he could pull her closer.
“Then understand this Jared, my past is my past and it stays in the past. I don’t talk about it with anyone and the only people who will know already know it. You don’t need to understand my past to be my friend, we’ve made it five years already and you don’t know it. It’s not important.”
“Everyone’s past is important Ella. It’s what makes them the person that they are.”
“And why do you need to understand that?”
“Because I care about you. Is it so wrong to care about a person and know why they are the way they turned out?”
“The past is boring Jared. Go study your script.” She pushed away from him to continue packing.
“Ah, how hard is it? All I have to do is have an affair with a servant girl, get her pregnant, and then she leaves to go make quilts.” Jared grinned pulling Ella onto the bed with him. “Maybe I can just practice with you.”
“If you ever get me pregnant I will kill you.” Ella was not amused by his last comment. “I do not want to be like my mother.”
Jared narrowed his eyes taking in Ella’s statement, that she didn’t want to be like her mother. “Are you saying that your mother had you by accident.”
Ella pushed off the bed and looked back at Jared. “I am not an accident.”
She left the room and Jared laid back on the bed. He thought about Ella’s tone when she said she wasn’t an accident, it was like she was reassuring herself more than she was telling him. There was more to her relationship with her mother than she let on and now Jared wanted to figure it out. What could be so difficult to explain that she wouldn’t even approach the subject.
When Jared went looking for Ella he found her leaning out the window smoking. He supposed she didn’t feel like leaving the apartment for a cigarette. Jared walked up behind her and kissed the back of her shoulder while saying he was sorry for pushing her. His arms looped around her waist. Ella offered him her cigarette and he took a drag before giving it back.
“You know, I don’t think she ever wanted me in the first place.” Ella exhaled smoke and the breeze carried it away. “It never seemed like that anyways. I was always an inconvenience to her career and my dad was left to take care of me. I suppose she was just looking for a reason to kick me out as soon as I was old enough to survive on my own.”
Jared brushed her hair out of the way and kissed the back of her neck. He didn’t know how much Ella was going to give him about her past and he wasn’t about to interrupt her with the millions of questions buzzing in his head about what he now knew. He suspected she felt guilty for her anger towards him in the bedroom and was giving him just a taste as an apology since the word sorry didn’t exist in her vocabulary.
“Mom’s the one with the money you know. That’s why it’s so hard for my dad, he wouldn’t have a job without her. She’s got him so wrapped up it’s sick. I’m glad she kicked me out... in a way.”
With that Ella’s monologue dried up. She finished her cigarette and pushed off the windowsill. Jared let her go leaning against the window frame to watch her walk back down to their bedroom. He wondered if he should follow but she closed the door. Jared shrugged off the window frame and picked her pack of cigarettes up off the sill. He left them on the counter in the kitchen and walked down the straight hall to their bedroom.
For a moment Jared leaned against the door and tried to listen but there was no sound from in there. His fingers brushed gently against the wood door while his thoughts wandered. He thought maybe she had laid down to take a nap and he should leave her alone but that wasn’t what his gut was telling him. He felt like there was something wrong and he should be next to her so slowly he grabbed the door handle and twisted it.
As the door swung quietly open he found Ella sitting on the bed with tears on her cheeks. He knew his gut feeling had been right. Silently Jared walked over to her and she looked up at him.
“Don’t say a word about it.” She warned him, her voice trying to sound strong but the tears had raised it an octave.
Jared sat down next to her and pulled Ella into his chest. She wrapped her arms around him and he tucked her head under his chin. For a while he was silent not wanting to upset her but slowly the wording to his thoughts popped into his head and he knew what he wanted to say, what he needed to say to her.
“Ella, know that I’ll never leave you. I’ll never abandon you because of something in your past. I’m always here for you because of how much you mean to me.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’ll never know how much you mean to me.”
“Why not? It’s not like you don’t try and tell me.” She pushed her face into his neck.
“Ella, I love you.” Jared stopped breathing in that moment preparing for her reaction.
She sat up and looked Jared in the eyes. He smiled as Ella placed a hand on his cheek.
“I know you do. I’m glad you said it Jared.”
“You deserved some honesty after the tiny bit of your life you just let me in on by the window.”
Ella smiled weakly.
“I really do appreciate it. You know that right?” He looked into her eyes putting his hands on either side of her face. “I worry so much about you when you do this every year because for a week afterwards you’re a wreck. It scares me because I don’t know how to help you.”
“You couldn’t.”
“No, I can’t.” Jared kissed her. “But I’ll always try until you tell me how to fix you.”
“There will never be a fix for me J, but thank you for being like this.”
Jared kissed her one more time before he stood up and left her alone. He knew she wanted a second alone to compose herself and in truth he needed one himself. The one thing he’d been holding back he’d finally told her. There wasn’t a definite reaction to his words and that’s what bothered him.
Finally he’d told her he loved her. After five years of knowing it, he’d finally said something. He’d gotten the feeling that she knew, there wasn’t much he did to conceal it from her. But she’d only said she was glad he’d told her. That wasn’t a positive or a negative reaction. He would have rather had her give him something more concrete even if it had been for the worse. At least he wouldn’t be pacing the kitchen and running his hand compulsively through his hair while he analyzed what she’d said and hadn’t said.
Ella came out of the bedroom and Jared froze where he was in the kitchen. She rounded the corner and leaned against the frame smiling at him. He wasn’t sure why she had the smile on her face but he returned the gesture letting his hands fall from his hair.
“Are you sure you’re alright with me taking Red?” Ella asked referring to Jared’s car.
“Yeah, you’ll be safer that way than on a bus.”
“But then you’ll have to take the bus to work.”
“It’s fine Ella. And if I really need a ride I have a few friends I can call. It’s only for three days.”
“I know, I just don’t want you to have any trouble.”
Jared sighed and stepped up to Ella putting his hands on either side of her face again, “You don’t cause me any trouble and I want you safe, alright? When you get back you can wash Red and we’ll call it even.”
“Deal.” She nodded hugging Jared.

The next morning Ella left and only called him once the whole time she was gone just to tell Jared she’d made it to Beverly Hills safe and had checked into her hotel. When he wasn’t working he found himself sitting in their apartment on the couch looking at her half finished paintings and wondering what she was doing. He was nervous about her being on her own and knew if she needed him she’d call but it still didn’t stop him watching the front door and tapping his feet when he had nothing to do.
He’d been staring at her unfinished work so long but he hadn’t really seen it. Not until he shifted the way he was sitting on the couch to be closer to her desk did he see she had started on a painting where the jawline of the man looked very much like his own. He picked it up and saw it was indeed a painting from the night when they picked up the camera and made sex about business.
Getting curious, Jared leaned forward and got up from the couch to sit down at Ella’s desk. Careful not to disturb the way she’d set anything up he searched for the photos she was using as reference. Once he’d found a few he sat back in her chair and flipped through them smiling at what had come out.
When Ella came back three days later she knew Jared had sifted through her desk. He’d put everything back the way he’d found it but she knew. It wasn’t that she minded, she just thought it was funny he’d realized what she was working on and wanted to see all the source material.
Jared wasn’t around when she came back so Ella slipped into her bathing suit and went back downstairs to wash the Plymouth so the car was clean when Jared came home. She finished that before she saw any sign of Jared. Ella went back inside to take a shower. When she got out she found Jared in the kitchen making dinner for the both of them.
Ella looped her arms around Jared’s waist, “What this?”
“Figured you were hungry. Shoulda waited to wash the car though. I wanted to watch.”
“Not like there’s anything on me you haven’t seen.”
“It’s just the idea of watching you wash my car.” He responded turning his head so his cheek touched her nose. “It’s sexy.”
Ella smiled and backed away from Jared to lean against the countertop next to the stove. “How was everything while I was away?”
“Fine, got a few rides here and there. Used the bus. All very tame.”
“You like the pictures?” Ella smirked.
“What? Oh yeah, those pictures. I thought we took more.”
“Haven’t developed the second roll yet.”
“Are you... or did someone else develop them?”
“Did it myself. Couldn’t risk our little Hollywood Star getting caught in a compromising position.”
“You were the one in the compromising position.” Jared smirked.
“Not really, I don’t have a public career like yours. People who know me know I paint porn. Besides, it’s always good to have a self portrait of two.”
“Or two?” Jared took his eyes from his cooking to Ella’s face and cocked an eyebrow.
“The second roll might be more inspiring. You let go a little more on the second one.”
“Oh.”
“And I might be trying to put together a show.”
“Really?”
“Mmhm, but I can leave us out of it if you want me to. Wouldn’t want someone to realize it was you or anything.”
“Do whatever you want.” Jared smiled adding salt to the pan, “It’s your work. I said it was about business. Speaking of business and stuff, how was your dad?”
Ella tried not to notice that Jared’s eyes had turned to her again. She tapped the counter top a few times and turned to look out the tiny kitchen doorway. “Fine.” She breathed.
“Good.”
“He asked where you were. Says hi.”
“Oh, I suppose it’s a little late to say hi back.”
“I said as much. He missed you.”
Jared went back to watching the dinner he was preparing. Ella was avoiding eye contact with him so there was no point in him staring at the back of her head pretending he could see through it to her face. He licked his bottom lip and moved the pan from a high burner to a low one continuing to stir.
“Dinner will be ready in a minute.”
Ella paused for a moment biting her bottom lip, then she left the kitchen without a word.
“Guess that means you’re not hungry anymore.” Jared mumbled to himself still grabbing two plates.
He made her a plate and covered it with saran wrap to place in the fridge. She would get hungry later and would know where to find the food he’d made her. Jared sat down at the small table in the corner of the kitchen to a quiet and lonelier dinner than the past three days had been. The whole time he sat staring at the bedroom door wondering what she was doing and what had happened over the last few days that made her upset.
Then again, when did he ever know what made her upset? She was just a giant ball of questions he’d never find the answers to. That he was sure of. She kept everything so quiet and close to herself that it was impossible to know what she was really feeling after seeing her father.
Jared knew the next couple of days would be rough and for a moment he questioned why he bothered so much with her. When he thought about it he really didn’t know her that well. He knew her as well as anyone, as well as Shannon and Shannon was hardly ever around. Sure Jared had heard the few tiny things like her mother was the one with the money and her dad would have nothing without her mother, but that was like stuff he should have learned in the first year of knowing her. He’d known her for five years now.
Instead of worrying about how little he knew of Ella’s life he imagined how rough it must be for a man to be helpless without his wife to the point where he had to keep secrets from her for fear of losing his livelihood. Society’s pressure on the man of the family was to ‘bring home the bacon’ for lack of a better expression. It was the man’s job to take care of the women and children, it was like that since the dawn of time. Hell, even he felt that way towards Ella. It was his job to take care of her and make sure she had everything she needed, a job he wouldn’t mind having for the rest of his life.
But Ella’s father was the one supported in that family. Ella had said herself that her father wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for her mother. How could a man live like that when society was telling him that he’s not doing things right, he’s not a man. Jared knew that even though his opinions generally differed from the masses on social norms, he couldn’t live being unable to provide and care for someone. He understood a little how her father must feel and why he didn’t leave his wife, why he kept his contact with Ella a secret. If he left her he’d be considered a failure. That was something Jared knew he couldn’t take and could not imagine Ella’s father, that handsome seemingly self assured white haired man, could deal with being branded a failure either. He was spreading himself thin by trying to keep a good relationship with two women who wanted nothing to do with one another.
“What are you thinking about?”
Jared looked up to see Ella standing in the doorway wearing one of his t-shirts. Jared shook his head and got up from the table glancing at the clock to see he’d been sitting there close to two hours thinking. He pulled the plate from the fridge and set it in the microwave. Ella stood there watching him as he didn’t give her a word and when he looked at her it was like he was seeing through her.
“What’s bothering you?” She asked putting her hands on his shoulders and looking in his eyes. “Tell me.”
“Nothing.” He mumbled. “Made you food.” He set the plate on the table and tossed the saran wrap in the trash before heading down to the bedroom.
Ella watched him until he closed the door and then sat down to eat. She’d started to feel selfish while she was sitting in their room because she hadn’t eaten with Jared but now she was worried about him. What he had he gotten himself into thinking about she didn’t know but she didn’t like it. He’d been sitting there with his jaw tight and the fork he’d been using sticking prong end up out of his clenched fist.
She heard the shower turn on and realized she just been staring at her plate wondering. She picked up a fork and started eating automatically. When she was done she picked up her dish and went to the sink to wash it along with all the other dishes there. She heard Jared get out of the shower and go back into their room. She chewed the inside of her lip wondering if she should sleep in his bed or just go to her bean bag that she still hadn’t moved back into their room.
Splitting the difference, Ella finished the dishes and went to her bean bag grabbing it by the side and starting to drag it back towards the bedroom. Even though Jared had been thinking about Ella and her family situation again he heard her out there struggling with the bean bag. He wondered if she was struggling that much on purpose but got up anyway to grab it and lift it up only to set it back down in the corner where it had been before she’d left their room.
Ella mumbled a thanks and went to fix the blankets on her bean bag while Jared laid back down on his unmade bed. She took hold of his sheets and pulled them over so he was covered. Jared rolled and tucked his face into a crack between two pillows so he could block out the light from the lamp. Ella finished her blankets and turned the lamp off before snuggling into her bean bag.
It seemed more comfortable to be in the same room again for Ella. She fell asleep easier. It could have been because she wasn’t watching the shadows on the front window blinds or because there were no noises from passers by but probably because Jared was next to her even if he was in his own bed. That was normal and good. She liked that.

The next few months were fine. Ella got over whatever bothered her after her yearly visit with her father faster than usual. It could have been because Jared was thinking too much on the few little facts she’d given him trying to piece together a family portrait but only ending up frustrated. Ella could see him getting bothered by it and worse, she could see the questions in his eyes every time he looked at her. She carried herself like nothing bothered her when he was around just so he’d stop worrying.
Shannon dropped by for a little just to see how everything was. He only had a week before he had to leave saying there was business in Milwaukee he had to take care of. Neither Jared nor Ella knew what that meant but both figured there was a girl there Shannon wanted to revisit. Shannon wasn’t telling them what he was up to in that city and they didn’t try to pry it out of him.
The three of them went on some hikes in the Hollywood Hills and looked out over the land. Jared would point out places he liked and Ella would tell him the name of the county. Jared would then ask questions like the cost of living, the neighborhood there, and how nice it was. When they’d gotten back down from the hills she asked him why he wanted to know all that. His answer was simple, he was thinking they should invest in a house since he was starting to get roles in movies and her paintings were getting more and more popular. She didn’t give him a direct answer on that one.
Jared had some more auditions and some he never heard back from. The ones he got called back for ended up not working out. He was starting to get frustrated until one part he was called back for ended up being a job offer. He took it happy to have something to work on and went home to tell Ella as soon as he could.
She was sitting in the living room of their little apartment painting with the TV on as background noise. He ignored the fact that it was a ‘My So Called Life’ rerun and sat on the couch next to her desk. He smiled at her tapping his foot waiting for her to look over at him. Her lips curled up in a smile but she continued working.
“What’s up?” She asked shooting him a glance.
“Do you like Ireland?”
“Personally?”
“Yeah, do you like the country.”
“Never did anything to me so I don’t see why not.”
“Cool, then lets go.”
Ella put down her paint brush and looked over at the grinning cheshire cat on the couch, “Jared you’re crazy. First you go on about us getting a house together and now you’re talking about going to Ireland. We can’t do both.”
“Wait, so does that mean you want to get a house together?”
“If we can get a big ass dog then yeah, we can get a house.”
“We can get a dog.” Jared promised, his grin widening. “And we can go to Ireland as well.”
“Yeah how?”
“I hire you as my personal assistant and you come with me to film a movie there.”
“You have to get a part in a movie that films in Ireland first.”
“Done.”
Ella looked at him for a moment and then it hit her. Her face broke into a smile and she got up from her desk to sit in Jared’s lap. “You got a part in a movie filming in Ireland? Take me with you.”
“I just asked you to come.” He laughed pushing his nose into hers. “Don’t you listen?”
She laughed and bit the end of his nose while his arms tightened around her back bringing her body closer to his. “I’ll come.”
“Good then you’re officially hired as my PA.”
“Only for this trip though, right?”
“As long as you want to be.” He kissed her.
“Well that wasn’t very professional.”
“Neither is getting a house and a dog together but that’s the next thing we’re doing as soon as we get back.”
“Okay, can I tell you good news now too?”
“Shoot.”
“I have a gallery show in two months. Hopefully that doesn’t conflict with Ireland.”
“Nope. Starts filming the end of September this year and comes out sometime next year.”
“We should go out and celebrate tonight.”
“Yeah, I think we should.” Jared kissed Ella’s lips again. “Ireland, a house, and a dog. I can’t wait for this year to end.”
“We sound like we’re getting married.” She laughed kissing him back. “Wouldn’t that be something.”
Ella got up and sat back at her desk.
“Yeah, wouldn’t it.” Jared smiled thinking about her words.
He left the living room to go into the bathroom and climb in the shower. Ella sat up for a few more hours painting only pausing to eat when Jared called her into the kitchen. Then she was asleep in her bean bag but Jared sat up for a while thinking about what was coming for the both of them.