Troubled Youth

Ella had regularly started sleeping in the king size bed with Jared rather than the bean bag. He woke up next to her every morning and went to sleep holding onto her every night. He never asked her what the change in sleeping venue was about and he didn’t care. She was with him and he woke up next to her every day. It was enough for him.
The reason she’d started sleeping regularly in a bed was a fuzzy one. Their pup Judas had adopted her bean bag as his bed rather than the one Jared and Shannon had initially bought for him. It was smaller and more comfortable so Judas was happier in it.
Aside from the fact that Judas had adopted the bean bag as his, it was pretty old and beat up. She really needed a new one if she was going to continue sleeping in a bean bag rather than a bed. Judas didn’t care what it looked like because he was comfortable. One other thing was that Judas had peed on it a few times before he had been potty trained and Ella had decided he could have it.
Shannon had made it six months in the house and hadn’t even made a comment about needing to hitchhike around the country for a while. He’d bought a mattress that he slept on. While Ella tried to get him to buy the rest of the bed she was happy he had finally seemed to want to stay in one place for an extended period of time.
The house was starting to look really good on the outside. Their initial spending the year before had given them a start but now with Jared lined up for three more movies, Ella putting together a third gallery show, and Shannon doing whatever business he did to make money they were moving quicker than ever to make the house nice.
Often times Jared and Shannon would let Judas run around the yard on his own while they worked since it was fenced. Judas would run as fast as he could for as long as possible before crashing on a cool patch of grass to nap before doing it all over. Jared and Shannon would be digging, pulling, moving, and fixing anything they saw in the yard.
Ella would come out and work on the smaller parts of the yard like the gardens near the edges of the house planting flowers and bushes. She liked being outside and getting her hands dirty once in awhile. Usually Judas would come up to her and stick his nose right in what she was doing but Ella didn’t mind. She fell quite easily in love with the wolf.
A few times when Ella was out in the yard with the boys Shannon would disappear for a while and Jared would come over to see what Ella was doing. She would be leaning over, hands in the dirt and the sun on her back working happily along. Jared would sit next to her and pull her hair out of the ponytail she’d thrown it into. At first she’d brush him away leaving a trail of dirt across his chest or arm -wherever her hand made contact- but he’d come back and she’d turn her attention to him.
The dirt would still be there on his chest stuck in the sweat from being outside working hard. He’d lean in and kiss her nose but she’d pull his chin down so he’d kiss her lips. They both would taste the salt from one another. Jared would take over pulling her so she’d face him and push his mouth harder against hers.
Ella’s hands would go to his sides leaving trails of dirt stuck to his skin from the sweat and he’d push her back into the grass sliding his hips between her thighs. Judas would sit for a moment watching and wondering, he’d seen them do this before, and then run off somewhere else in the yard. Jared’s hand would leave Ella’s face and her breathing would catch when his teeth found her skin to warn her what was coming.
He wouldn’t bother taking her shirt off most times. Sometimes he’d take everything off her, it wasn’t like they would be seen by anyone on the sidewalk while they had a roll in their front yard. Shannon was around most of the time though he wasn’t seen so Jared left most of her clothes on just incase. He’d unbutton her shorts and leave them like that letting his hand go back to her neck or her chest while his lips still fought with hers.
Jared wouldn’t make much more of a move until she slid her hands down through the sweat on his back and underneath him to his jeans button. She’d undo them and slide her hand into his pants drawing him out. Then he’d slide her shorts off and let her guide him in. They’d bite at one another, moan, and ask for the other to do something specific until they were both finished.
Sometimes Shannon would come back out from the house only having gone in to use the bathroom or get a glass of water and find them on the front lawn together. Usually he’d shake his head and go into the backyard to work on something for a while. Occasionally he’d have something to say, some little witty comment about how they acted like teenagers or newlyweds.
When it was all over Jared would roll onto his back and pull his pants back up to close them. Ella would pull her shorts back on and get up from the grass to brush off a little before sitting back in the garden and keep working. Jared would catch his breath, kiss the side of Ella’s head while pulling her hair back into a ponytail for her, and go to find Shannon so they could continue working on whatever he had abandoned.
Some of Ella’s favorite times with Jared were on the front lawn of the house like that. She liked how he’d come up to her unannounced, take her, and then go back to what he was doing before without so much as a hello. It was different, he was different.
Their whole relationship was starting to seem different. Maybe it wasn’t obvious to them since they’d followed the progression of it and taken the change slowly but Shannon could see it. He had noticed it when he’d first come back to go house hunting with them. Since then he’d been around and while they weren’t pretending to get married anymore aside from the little joke here and there, the way they behaved towards one another was different.
Shannon saw them as a couple now. They were never without one another. Jared was almost always holding Ella’s hand whether they were out or at the house. Shannon was glad for this but at the same time he was worried about his little brother.
Jared hadn’t ever been one to be content with something undefined, unclear. With Ella he was different. There was no concrete name to what they had. Sure at first Shannon had understood what their relationship was, friends with benefits. He thought it admirable they’d made it so far but now it was blending into to something else, something Ella said she’d never want with Jared. They were closer to being in a real relationship than they were to just being friends who dabbled with each other on the side.
The older Leto was worried. He was scared for his little brother. Clearly in his mind he could still see Jared on the master bedroom balcony hunched over on the railing crying into his elbow so Shannon couldn’t see his face. He remembered the look of pain in his brother’s eyes that night and though he hadn’t seen it in a long time since then, he knew it couldn’t be far from coming back.
There was only so much time before Ella told Jared they needed to back off. She was getting too comfortable with Jared. While Shannon would have liked to believe she’d changed her mind he knew she hadn’t. Just the fact that she made no mention of Jared as her boyfriend told Shannon she hadn’t. Jared had missed on that small fact and because of it Shannon knew his brother was getting into deep waters.
Shannon knew he had to talk to Ella. The result could either end up disastrous or do nothing in the short run. There was only one way this little spout of affection coming from her could end, and that was it drying up and her finding someone else to play with for a while. Then Shannon would be left to pick his brother up and tell him he’s worth more than what he’s getting. He didn’t want to have to do that but he would when it all came crashing down.
Jared was gone often enough filming a murder mystery movie that Shannon found time alone with Ella. He found it sort of hard to bring up their relationship since he was never one to butt into someone else’s business but in the case of his brother he had to do it somehow.
“You miss him, huh?” Shannon asked when Ella had put down the phone after talking to Jared for a while.
“Yeah, you do too. He’s your brother.”
“It’s different, the way you miss him.”
Ella laughed. “I miss his dick, you miss his company.”
“I suppose you could put it like that.” Shannon shrugged. “But you have to miss more of him than just the inches below his belt.”
“I miss his Catalano hair. It was so good to pull on.”
“Too much info.”
“Please Shan, like you don’t know.”
“I know too much.”
“Why do you keep bringing him up anyways?” Ella asked turning from the TV to him.
“Dunno.”
“Shan, this is like the fifth time today. What is it?”
“Nothing. Just... well I guess it’s not really my place.”
Ella sighed and rolled her eyes sinking into the couch. She knew she wasn’t going to like this. “What isn’t your place?”
“You and Jared. I’m just a little worried.”
“About what?”
“Him.”
“Why?”
“Well because of you.”
“I’m not going to break him Shan. I introduce things slowly and let him choose if he wants to do it again.”
“Sex isn’t what I mean. You couldn’t break him.”
“Don’t dare me, I’ll try.” She grinned.
“Ella.”
“Fine, what is it that you’re worried about me breaking then?”
“His heart.” Shannon said quietly.
“He knows where we stand.”
“No he doesn’t.” Shannon sat up on the edge of the couch and turned towards Ella. “And obviously you don’t either.”
“Then enlighten me oh knowledgeable one.” Ella said putting her palms up like she was praising him.
“Don’t try and be cute Ella. This is serious. He could get hurt.”
“Yeah, and you’re only worried about him?”
“What is there to worry about you? You’re the one in power here. He’s helpless to you. He’s in love with you Ella and he’s taking everything you’re giving him, which is a lot lately.”
Ella sat looking at Shannon waiting for him to continue.
“If you gave him anymore you’d be dating. You practically are dating! He takes you out for dinner -without me I might add- and pays for the meal. He thinks he’s dating you. He thinks you’ve finally fallen in love with him like he has you. And when he realizes like I have that’s not the case he’s going to break. My brother can take a lot of shit from anyone in the world but he can’t from you. He can’t for this long when you’re playing with his emotions like this.”
“Is that your honest feeling?”
“Yes.”
“What do you suggest I do then?” Ella was too cool about this, Shannon knew she was thinking something totally opposite of what she was conveying.
“Either date him for real or stop it completely.”
“Never thought an ultimatum would come from you.” She laughed.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You never have anything longer than a month or two Shan. Now you’re telling me I’ve got to either commit to your brother so he doesn’t get hurt or stop it so he will hurt less. What about me?”
“What is there about you to hurt Ella? You’re already hurt enough! You’re hurt in ways we can’t see, in ways you won’t tell us. And that pain must be bad. It must suck because you’re inflicting it on my brother though he doesn’t know it yet. You’re forgetting that you are hurt by letting my brother bury himself in your thighs. That’s not a healthy way to deal with whatever the fuck is wrong with you. Talk to me, talk to him, talk to a God damned therapist but stop hurting him.”
Ella sat looking at Shannon, her face frozen and he knew he’d said something to upset her. He’d seen that face before.
Very slowly in a determined voice she said, “There is nothing wrong with me.” and left the room.
Shannon sat back on the couch and rubbed his face in his palms. That wasn’t how he’d wanted it to go. That was the reason he knew he shouldn’t get involved in other people’s relationships. Why couldn’t it have gone the way it did with Jared a few months ago? They hadn’t fought, Jared just cried on him. Why couldn’t Ella have just cried on him for a bit and then told him he was right? Trying to be the voice of reason and the protector sucked. Shannon didn’t want the job anymore.

There were a few weeks before Shannon could see if his talk with Ella did anything. Jared came home on a break from shooting with a grin on his face. He had been picked up by Shannon and when he walked into the house for the first time in a few weeks the first thing he did was run into Ella’s arms. He hugged her tight kissing her face and telling her he’d missed her. Shannon watched Ella’s face carefully knowing this wasn’t going to be the best break for Jared.
She was happy and smiling when Jared was looking at her face but when he pulled her tight to his chest and couldn’t see her Shannon could see tension, he could see worry in her eyes. He regretted having said something to her and left them alone. Whatever she did, Shannon hoped she was clear about it. If there was anything Jared needed, it was clarity.
The first day he was home there seemed to be no change. Shannon figured she was letting him get comfortable. Shannon didn’t miss the glares Ella shot him when Jared wasn’t looking. She knew he was waiting for her to do something about their talk. In her heart Ella knew Shannon was right. She’d been thinking along the same lines for a little while. She just didn’t like the way Shannon had said it, that he’d said she was hurt and had something wrong with her.
The second day Shannon slipped out in the morning with Judas for a run. He was used to doing that since he’d been home and Jared was out. Jared woke up a little while later to find Ella and Judas gone. He had wanted to take the wolf for a run but figured Shannon must have gone since Shannon had been doing that while Jared was absent. Ella, he figured, was downstairs somewhere because he could hear her.
“What are you doing?” He asked when he found her sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee.
“Nothing.” There was an off note in her voice.
“What’s up?” He asked knitting his brow and sitting next to her.
“I’m fine.”
He watched her face for a moment in profile. Her eyes didn’t flicker to his, they just stayed fixed ahead.
“Ella...” he changed his mind about asking her again, “I love you.”
He kissed the side of her head and got up from the couch. She leaned back when he was out of the room and covered her face with her hand. She’d been thinking how to tell him what Shannon had brought up. He’d been right after all and it was only a matter of time before she’d come to that conclusion herself. She dropped her hand from her face and got up from the couch to walk into the kitchen where Jared was looking for something to eat.
“Wanna go for a walk?”
“Yeah, out back?” Jared asked peeking from behind the fridge door but Ella wasn’t looking at him. “I’ll grab my shoes.”
“No, eat first. I’m going to go change and stuff.”
“Okay. Maybe we should wait for Shannon and Judas to get back?”
“They’re out running. They won’t want to go for a hike.”
“Oh, it’s a hike now? You said walk.”
“You know what I meant.”
“Going to that tree we found off the trail?”
“Sure, if you want.” Ella backed out of the kitchen and went up the stairs.
Jared looked back into the fridge still not finding anything that struck his fancy. By the time Ella had come back downstairs Jared had pulled his shoes and a shirt on. She asked if he planned on going in sweatpants and he just shrugged before they went out the back door to climb over the fence.
It was a little while before they picked up a trail but Jared filled the time time talking about what he’d been doing onset and how he was making friends with some of the people there. Ella smiled looking over at him letting him control the conversation, she couldn’t help but think he was adorable when he was this excited about something he was doing. He reached out to grab her hand while navigating a tricky slope and then never let go once they were at the bottom.
They were off the trails just as soon as they found them. The tree they’d found laid a little ways away from the well beaten path and looked out over the city from where it stood. They hadn’t yet been able to go out at night to see the view of the lights. They’d only been out during the day a few times earlier in the year.
Jared pulled Ella up into the tree with him after he’d found the branch to sit on with the back supporting branch behind it. She sat closer in towards the trunk so Jared scooted in to be closer to her. She smiled when he tossed his arm around her.
“If this was all we had, all we could do, I’d be happy.” Jared sighed looking out over the city. “It’s all so beautiful.”
When Ella didn’t respond he looked over to see that same expression on her face again. “Are you alright Ella?”
“Fine.”
“Really? Because that’s the second time I’ve seen that look on your face today. I don’t like it.”
“It’s just something I realized is all.”
“What? You can tell me anything you know.” He kissed her cheek but Ella gently pushed him away.
He had an idea what this was about now. Jared pulled his arm from her shoulders and folded his hands in his lap. Ella looked at his hands, one wrapped around the other like it needed comfort. He was biting his bottom lip not wanting to have this conversation.
“Jared... I can’t...”
“I know.” He closed his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I just, we’re getting too far again.”
Jared sighed and picked a hand up to run it through his hair. “Maybe we’re not.”
“But we are Jared. I haven’t slept anywhere but in your bed for the last seven months, neither of us has seen another person, and we’re never apart when you’re home. It’s too much.”
“Who ever said it was too much Ella?” She started to speak but he cut her off continuing to talk. “I mean, if like you said this is ‘happening again’ then maybe it’s supposed to happen. Maybe we should be more than friends. What if I don’t want to see any other girl but you? What if I don’t want you to sleep in any other bed but mine? What if I don’t want to ever see you with someone else because I want you with me?”
She sat looking for the right words. His face looked too fragile for her to say something at the risk of shattering it. He was vulnerable and doing nothing to conceal it.
“Come on Ella. You say you don’t want me and then you do things like these last seven months. It kind of makes me wonder what you’re really thinking. There’s gotta be some part of you that wants this, that wants us.”
“I’m not thinking anything Jared. This relationship is still what it was when we started. You looked like you were fun, I was right. We continued to have fun and it’s been seven years. There’s nothing else.”
Jared shook his head. “We’ve changed since then. We’re older. We feel things differently.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes you do Ella.” He turned his eyes to hers, tears brimming on his bottom lids. “You have to have changed in seven years. We’re not the same.”
“I don’t feel anything.” She repeated with an apologetic smile.
“So I’m just a little bit of fun to you then? That’s all? Just something to play with and toss aside when you’ve gotten off? Just your back up plan if you can’t get someone else? I don’t want to be your second choice anymore.”
“Well, no... that’s not all you are to me bu-”
“You have changed.” He insisted. “Right there you said I wasn’t just fun and nothing else. The way you feel about me changed.”
“I was going to say you’re not just a little fun to me. I care about you, I do. I just don’t want to be in love with you.”
“Why not? I’m already in love with you Ella. There’s nothing to be scared of. There’s no rejection, there’s no possible abandonment, nothing. Just someone else who wants you and wants to be with you.”
“I’m not scared of rejection and abandonment Jared. That’s my whole fucking life story. I just don’t want to be with you.”
“It hasn’t been your life story since you met me Ella. You know that.” He said looking fiercely into her eyes.
That comment had hurt his feelings. He’d been with her so long and she hadn’t even counted it as her life. Seven years was long enough to change someone’s life story and for her to toss it aside like that with a few words stung.
“I’m not the one for you.” She avoided correcting herself. “You say you don’t want anyone else but me. You haven’t met that many people. There’s someone out there better than me.”
“I could meet a woman from every country and I’d still want you. I would give you my name I want you so much. Hell! I would take your name if it made you happier. I don’t want better, I just want you.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not worth it Jared. I don’t want it.”
“It’s not all about you alright?” Jared pushed off the branch and landed on his feet to look back up at Ella. “So what if I’m a tragic cliche and fell in love with my ‘friend’ but you know what? I’m not sorry. I just wish you’d realize that other people have emotions too. You do a damn good job at tearing them apart.”
Ella watched as Jared walked away from her back towards the trail. She pulled her feet up to rest on a thinner branch across from her and tried to breathe deeply. She could feel warm tears bubbling up and was trying to keep them from spilling over her lids. This was not how she had wanted it to go. This was not how she had wanted to tell Jared they needed to back off.
She didn’t know how long she was sitting in that tree before she heard someone below. When she peered down she saw Shannon looking up at her through dark sunglasses. He waved her down with a smile and she climbed carefully down. Shannon told her Jared had come back and grabbed his keys to go for a drive. He figured what had happened and had gone looking for Ella based on the description of where the tree was that Jared had given him the day they’d found it.
Shannon took Ella back to the house and made her go upstairs for a shower. He didn’t ask her questions or even make so much as a comment about what had happened. He knew something like this was bound to turn out and all he could do was be there for the both of them as best he could.
A little while later Shannon heard Ella upstairs moving things around. He went up to see what she was doing and found her carrying clothes and other objects belonging to her into a spare room they hadn’t yet done anything with. When he asked what she was doing she explained that she and Jared couldn’t be in the same room anymore, it wouldn’t be right, so she was taking the spare room.
Judas didn’t mind when she dragged the dog bed he never used into the room and started to clean it up a little. She figured if Judas was sleeping on her bean bag she might as well use his bed until she could get herself a real bed. Judas curled up at the edge of the dog bed and let Ella pet his back for a while until he heard Jared come back in.
For the next few days it was tense. Shannon made no secret that he was talking to the both of them and acted like nothing should be wrong there. That was the best thing he could do in the situation. Eventually Jared and Ella eased up towards one another and started talking more than the necessary amount.
Ella continued to sleep in the extra room all the way into the next year. She and Jared had patched their friendship but nothing more. They didn’t sleep together or even mention having sex with one another. It was just something that was gone from their vocabularies. Shannon could still see the look in Jared’s eyes when he was watching her, the look of longing, but he didn’t talk about it. The both of them seemed okay.
Jared focused on his movies and Ella on her art. Shannon had bought himself a nice drum kit that he set up more or less permanently in the front room of the house that they never used. Shannon and Jared decided that year to put their band together. It didn’t matter that they only had drums, vocals, and guitar, that was enough to start writing songs together. Other people could come later. They threw a few band names around and both more or less glared at Ella when she suggested Frozen Embryos or Residue like Jordan Catalano’s band. Jared knew that was a joke she would never give up.
Ella’s second solo show went up and both Jared and Shannon were at the opening by her side. Just like everyone else they sampled the free food and wine, looked at the art, and then for fun the two of them started coming up with big behind the painting concepts as to what the art meant and what Ella was trying to say about society. She rolled her eyes at them knowing they were making fun of her a little but let them go on.
Shannon saw an instant change in his brother’s fun and smiling attitude when a guy with large nerdy glasses and sideburns started talking to Ella and didn’t leave her alone. It looked like she was enjoying the guy’s company and Jared didn’t like it. Shannon grabbed Jared’s arm and pulled him back when he took a step towards them reminding Jared that wasn’t his place. Though they left her and the guy alone Jared still watched out of the corner of his eye and did not fail to notice them exchanging numbers.
After the opening, Shannon took Ella to a bar and bought her a few drinks. She got just a little drunk before Jared and Shannon took her home. Jared picked Ella up from the back seat where she’d fallen asleep and carried her into the house. Judas was happy to see them and went out with Shannon for a little while. Jared laid Ella down in the dog bed she was using and pulled the blankets over her resisting the urge to climb in with her. He missed her so much. He let himself give her one kiss on the forehead before turning to leave her alone.
Shannon said something to Jared as Jared passed him but he didn’t hear it. He was in his own world thinking and Shannon let him go. Jared shrugged out of his clothes down to his briefs and slipped under the unmade sheets of his bed. He pulled a cold pillow to his chest and sighed into it.
In his mind Jared was turning over an idea. He wondered if he’d rather go back to suffering knowing what he and Ella had would never be what he wanted but more than he could ever ask for or if they should just stay as they were now. He would have given anything to go back to how they were before, back where they were when they first bought the house. At least there was enough there that he could pretend she was his, that he would have a right to interrupt a conversation she was having with another man. Was it better to live in pain while she still touched him or to try and live like this? He sighed again not sure what he wanted anymore other than the warm feeling of her body against his in this bed.
Judas came into the room and Jared patted the bed. Tentatively Judas sniffed the bed and Jared’s hand not sure this is what he should do. When Jared patted the bed again Judas jumped up and walked across it to lick Jared’s face. Jared got him to lie down and petted the dog’s coat until he was asleep. From that night on Jared let Judas sleep in bed with Judas’ back against his. It was better than sleeping alone.
That tattered old bean bag was thrown away. Jared felt a little sad eating breakfast one morning as he watched Shannon take the garbage out. He knew the bean bag was going to its doom but it still meant something to him. It reminded him of when he was twenty years old and no other man but himself had shared that bean bag with Ella. No one else ever did other than him and he felt that was something special to hold onto even though it could only be a memory now.
A few days later Ella was going out and she seemed pretty happy about it. Jared watched her get ready thinking this was for a date. He hoped to God it wasn’t that guy from the opening, he knew what that guy looked like. He didn’t want to know what anyone looked like if she were possibly dating them.
“Where you going?”
“Out to meet someone.”
“Date?”
“I don’t know, don’t think so. Just someone from the opening.”
Jared bit his bottom lip. He had been right.
“His name’s Terry Richardson.” Ella offered more info watching Jared’s face in the mirror as she did her eyeliner. “Apparently he does photography like I do paintings and wants me to come look at some of his work while he’s here in LA. Want to come? He didn’t make it like a date or anything.”
“No, it’s okay. You go alone... you know, incase it is a date. Don’t want to mess anything up.”
“Admirable.”
“Well, you know. Just being a nice guy.”
“Are you alright? I mean with this?”
“What... you dating people? Doesn’t matter.”
“But it does Jared. If you’re going to be upset about it-”
“What would you do? Not date anyone? That’s stupid Ella.”
“No, I’d move out.” She said seriously.
“Oh.” Jared looked away from her, that hadn’t been what he was expecting her to say.
“So are you alright?”
“Yeah, fine. Fine. Go have fun.” He waved her off.
“I’ll see you later then.”
“Yeah, later.”