Toivo

The JFK airport is a massive place. I try not to get pushed down or shoved aside as I look past the churning sea of people. I focus my gaze on the lone figure standing about 15 meters away. I can feel my lips curl, almost unnoticed, into a smile that stretches across my face.

There he is.

I grab my suitcase and backpack that I had put down on the floor a few minutes earlier, dragging them with me as I walk towards the boy waiting for me. I see his green eyes scanning the crowd in the airport hall, trying to find me; I start walking faster. After weaving my way through a particularly tight spot, I come to a stop. He is actually right in front of me; there are no oceans separating us with their massive wideness. My heart thumps in excitement.

“Toivo!”

His eyes are quick to meet mine, with a sparkle in them that I’ve missed since we last saw each other. It really doesn’t come across via Skype or photos; no, that’s only possible in real life. A smile just as wide as mine appears on his face, and he honestly runs into my awaiting arms. I grab a tight hold of his waist and spin him around while hugging him most likely to death, but that doesn’t disturb us; we are both laughing with tears in our eyes. Toivo plants his lips against mine in a desperate kiss, telling wordlessly how much he’s missed me.

Reluctantly we pull apart, and I put Toivo down while he lifts his arms from around my neck. I still keep my face against his, though, and put my hands on his cheeks, caressing them tenderly. I smile at him, getting lost in his eyes.

“I really can’t believe it’s been over a year already,” Toivo whispers. I hum hoarsely and bring my lips down to his to give him a quick peck. He wraps his arms around me again, hugging me close. “God, how I’ve missed you.” We stand there in content silence, our hands locked behind the other’s back. I rest my cheek on top of his head, trying to fill all the lonely moments I’ve had during the year we were apart. I can hear Toivo sighing, “Markus... so glad you’re here.”

I reply, “Me too, Toivo, you have no idea.”

We detach ourselves and Toivo quickly reaches behind me to take my backpack, leaving me to carry only my suitcase. I pick up the handle, and start walking next to Toivo, who grabs my left hand in his and grins widely. “Just wait till you meet all my friends and family! They’re gonna love you.” He continues gushing about how he’s going to make this the best holiday I’ve ever had the pleasure of having. I just listen and smile at him, still not quite believing I’ve flown all the way from Finland to see him. All the months of continuous planning and stressing over little details to make everything perfect have definitely been worth it; I’m actually by his side, hearing his voice flowing into my ears, and being able to touch him.

I squeeze Toivo’s hand tighter.

♪•♫•♪

We met when Toivo was in his second year of high school. It was actually an enormous coincidence that we even crossed each other’s paths, for if he hadn’t wanted to see where his great grandfather’s family had immigrated from, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I don’t know how many times I’ve thanked whatever higher power there might be up there, for that Toivo came as an exchange student to Finland.

It was the beginning of my first year in high school. I was pretty excited about it, because I wouldn’t have to endure the ridicules of the idiots in my middle school; they thought it would be fun to pick on the kid whose Finnish didn’t sound exactly the same theirs did. I’m a Finnish Swede, so my native language is Swedish. Even though I’m fluent in both Finnish and Swedish, you can still hear the ever so slight accent I have.

So I had decided to apply to a high school that would be in the coastal part of Finland, where there were more Finnish Swedes and schools that taught mostly in Swedish. I had gotten in to a high school in Vaasa, a city in the western coast. It wasn’t that far from my home, so I didn’t have to move or anything, which was good.

There I was, making friends and trying to get through the first weeks in a new environment, when they announced we were getting an exchange student from America, specifically from New York, NY. There wasn’t a single student in our school, who wasn’t excited to meet the student; the entire school was buzzing. And then Toivo arrived.

He got put in the same year with me even though he was a sophomore in his own school, because he was the same age as my classmates and I. In Finland, your high school career lasts only three years, and you start it at sixteen, so putting Toivo with people of his age was only logical. Immediately he was in everyone’s favor, even though it was a bit weird that an American had a name like his; the name was as Finnish as one could get and must have been awkward to say in an English accent.

That didn’t matter to anyone after the initial shock, and when they heard the reason behind his name, it was like everyone started to like him even more, me being one of them. Apparently the family of his mother’s grandfather had come as immigrants to the US, and had decided to name their first son as Toivo, meaning hope, literally. He thinks they wanted to believe in a better tomorrow, thus naming their child as so. Toivo’s name was just a tribute to the original bearer of that name.

The hearts of the girls in my school just melted at that, and I’m not going to lie; mine did too. But only just a little. Even though I was gay, I refused to act like a complete girl, though I had a few feminine manners. I don’t think the fact that Toivo was also stunningly good looking helped with the girls’ –or my- infatuation at all.

Weeks passed and Toivo was basically everyone’s friend. He never had to sit by himself at lunch or during recess. Somehow he usually ended up sitting at the same table with my friends and I, not that I minded it or anything. It was quite the opposite; it felt like the highlight of the day when I could listen to him telling stories about his life in The Big Apple. I tried to be subtle, but I think he must’ve noticed how I was completely mesmerized of the way his face lit up while talking about funny or exciting things.

When our second term began, I was in for a pleasant surprise; I got Toivo as my chemistry partner. I didn’t like the subject that much, but with him it got a whole lot more bearable. And because we were both hopeless with anything related to chemical equations or acids, we usually stayed at the school or went to a near café to do our chem homework. We got to know each other much more personally during that time, and the best part of it was that when he found out I was gay, he wasn’t shocked or surprised. Toivo simply said he had guessed from the beginning. I wasn’t in the closet or anything; I just didn’t feel like shouting my preferences to every passer-by. Toivo was starting to become too important to not to inform him about such a big part of me.

Couple of weeks after that, when I was walking in the school parking lot towards the bus stop Toivo came running to me and dragged me behind the school. I was obviously a bit confused, and it didn’t lessen when he started to explain something with a lot of stuttering and blushing. Finally, when I thought that was never going to end, he got enough courage to basically throw the question at my face.

I was more than shocked. I had never ever thought this situation would’ve happened, never less actually be possible. But there he was, standing before me, trying to calm the fire in his cheeks, nervously biting his lip as he waited for my answer. I had to shake my head to get it working again, and I was quick to reply with a simple yes accompanied with a smile and a hug.

He had asked me to go out with him.

♪•♫•♪

I am lying on Toivo’s bed in his room, trying to keep my eyes open. It proves to be quite hard; my eye lids keep fluttering close no matter how much I fight against it. As an attempt to not to fall asleep, I look at Toivo’s room. I can see the window, which has plaid drapes hung over it, his desk that’s too messy to be considered usable, and the bookshelf on the opposite wall to me. My attention focuses on the lone picture next to a row of books; it’s a picture of us, taken by my mom, where we are sitting side by side in my backyard. I have my arm wrapped around Toivo’s shoulder, and we’re both smiling brightly. The memory the picture brings with it makes me smile.

The door opens, and Toivo walks in, coming to sit next to me. This time it’s him who makes me smile when he brushes my bangs away from my forehead, smiling fondly.

“Hi, Markus,” he says and bends to kiss me. I quickly kiss back, but get interrupted when a huge yawn makes its way from my mouth. Toivo chuckles. “Just sleep, you must be awfully jet lagged. I’ll be sure to wake you up in time for dinner.”

I sigh and nod in agreement, closing my tired eyes. But before Toivo can stand up and make his way out of his room, I blindly grab his hand and ask quietly, “Stay with me. Snälla?”

“Well, if you’re even saying please, I’m happy to comply.” I can’t be one hundred percent sure, but he seems to be smiling. I scoot over on the bed and when I can feel him lying next to me, I wrap my left hand over him, pulling myself against his back, trying to snuggle closer. It’s comfortable, and even though I’m supposed to sleep in the quest room, I most likely end up here, with Toivo close to me.

As we lie there, all I can hear is our even breaths. Even though I’m sleepy I want talk to Toivo. So I break the silence when I murmur in his ear, “So, how does it feel to be out of high school, for good?” Toivo turns his head slightly, catching my eyes, a playful smirk on his face.

“I thought we were supposed to be sleeping? Well, who cares.” He shifts closer to me, taking a hold of my hand. “It doesn’t actually feel like anything. Like, it was awesome to get out of that hell hole, but at the same time I’m gonna miss all the good times I had with my friends, you know?” I just hum quietly and kiss Toivo’s neck, because I can’t really relate to his feelings, for I have a year left.

“But let’s not talk about something as boring as that! You’re here with me and I want to enjoy every moment with you, so don’t spoil things and talk about school. I’m on vacation, and I have my sexy boyfriend lying next to me, which doesn’t leave much room to talk,” Toivo continues. I smile and lift my head up to kiss his cheek. He’s right; I shouldn’t ruin this moment.

We fall silent. I might have felt myself tired earlier, but now the sleep just seems to be avoiding me. I look at the back of Toivo’s head while caressing his arm. After so long, it feels good to hold him this tightly in my arms. It had been pure torture to be so far away from him. This time I’m not as amenable to let go of him; I’m determined to make our relationship so strong that even though we are thousands of kilometers away from each other, it won’t feel so bad, because we know our feelings won’t change. And I know what the next step is, but haven’t been able to take it, up until now.

Toivo’s breathing is so calm that he must be sleeping. I can’t hold my feelings inside any longer, though, so carefully, I move my mouth next to his ear and whisper, “Jag älskar dig.”

To my surprise, Toivo turns his head, and the rest of his body towards me, looking straight into my eyes; he has a kind of a hopeful, yet unsure expression on his face. “Wha-what did you say?” he whispers, afraid of breaking the moment. I chuckle and grab him by his waist, pulling him closer.

“I think you know it. You couldn’t have gone through a year in Finland without learning what that means.”

Toivo hesitates, and bites his lip before answering, “But I want to be sure.” I put my hand under his chin and lift it so that he looks at me. I move to caress his cheek, smiling at him teasingly.

“Well then I say it again. Mä rakastan sua.” His face drops and he lifts his brow slightly annoyed. I laugh and try again, “Oh, so that wasn’t good enough? Hmm, how about some French then? Je t’aime, Toivo.” He huffs, like he’s had enough, but clearly he has understood what I mean because a smile is making its way on his lips.

I smile slightly, before taking a deep breath and looking into Toivo’s eyes with nothing but sincerity. I reach to take his hand in mine, and slowly lift it to my mouth, kissing it. His cheeks start to turn red, but I ignore it, for now. Instead, I let the words slip from my mouth, the ones that he wants to hear.

“I love you.”

Toivo doesn’t say anything, but quickly wraps his arms around my neck and brings my lips against his, kissing me with everything he has. We’re both smiling into the kiss.

When we pull apart, I can’t resist kissing him just once more. That makes him chuckle, and he tangles our legs while pressing even closer to me. We lie there in silence, but then Toivo breaks it by looking up at me, wearing a smile on his lips, saying, “You know, even though I’m not any good in foreign languages, I think you’ll appreciate my answer anyway.” I look at him curiously. “I love you too, you show-off.”

I just smile at him lovingly, and turn us so that he’s almost lying on top of me, hugging him securely to my chest. And when sleep takes over me, my face is stuck in a gentle and happy smile. This is where I belong.