We Got Older But We're Still Young

‘Don’t panic’ My hands rubbed hard at my eyes ‘Don’t panic Freddi, it won’t help anything’ Sometimes the ongoing chatter in my mind drives me insane but in times like this I feel like it’s the only thing keeping me from having a breakdown.
Jaime stepped back into the room in a bad mood and had hardly said a word. I felt like I was obliged to make him feel better but I couldn’t even straighten out my own thoughts.

The same nurse that had escorted us into the room , slipped quietly through the door. Jaime stood up with a nervous look printed on his face.
“Is she okay?” his voice was soaked in worry.

The nurse gestured for us to step outside of the room with her. I followed closely behind Jaime until we were in the hall.
“We think it might be a tumour but we can’t be sure until we can scan her.”
Jaime shook his head slightly. “But it might not be a tumour right?”
The nurse just smiled politely before lifting her shoulders. In that moment Jaime almost resembled a child just finding out that Santa Clause isn’t real.
I took his hand in my best attempt at comfort but I could speak a single word that would even remotely make it okay.

“I’ll organize a scan at her hospital.” I spoke softly to the nurse who nodded before leaving Jaime and I alone in the hall. The only emotion that even closely resembled how Jaime looked was defeated. Flat out defeated.

“Come on, Let’s take go to her hospital... Let's go home”

---

I stood beside Jaime as he placed our bags inside the car. His eyes were focused and his features were so still it was like staring at a sculpture. I watched as he gave up on the bags and sat exhausted on the backseat.
“Jaime, it’s going to be okay” even after the words left my mouth I didn’t feel like I really believed them.
“But what if it’s not? What then Fred?” his head fell to his hands. “This is my fault, this wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t pull her out of the hospital.”
I sat down letting my hand fall gently to his knee.
“Jaime, no. We don’t have any control over when and why it comes back. It's got nothing to do with us.”
“Freddi, She’s going to die! And all of it is MY FAULT!”
His eyes were a mixed drink of anger and sadness screaming at me to hate him and much as he was hating himself.
“This was going to happen either way, you brought her out here to have fun. If you didn’t do that she would be sitting in her bed with the same problem. Jaime this is NOT your fault.”
He just looked at me before getting out of the car. “Whatever doesn’t matter, I’m going to go get Ly-ly and Leda”

I stayed in the backseat when he returned with the others. Jaime got into the driver’s seat in front of me without looking back.
“This is fun! Can I do this more often? I’ve never sat in the front before.” Delilah spoke excitedly clapping her hands.
Jaime turned the keys forcing the engine to rumble deeply. “Anything for you babe.”

Leda’s hand reached over to hold mine. The corner of her lips lifted in a comforting smile to which I returned. Her eyes moved from mine to the phone in her other hand.

“Who are you texting?” I uttered loud enough for only us to hear over the sound of the engine.
She shook her head before whispering a ‘wouldn’t you like to know’
I wouldn’t have thought another second about it until I felt her pulse on her wrist rise.

It was weird to think that only a month ago my biggest problem was listening to Sara talk about boys. All of this happened so quickly and everything felt different.

I glanced up and noticed that Jamie was looking at me through the rear view mirror. I could only see his eyes but they were soft and I knew he was feeling all this too.

---

No matter how many different diners I went to, not a single one ever made a coffee that was slightly decent. Despite it leaving a sickening taste in my mouth I clutched the cup with both hands as I look out the window at the car with both Delilah and Leda sleeping in it. We decided that we wouldn’t stop at anymore hotels on the way back and Jaime and I would take turns at driving. It was my turn to drive so a crappy coffee was better than falling asleep at the wheel.

“I’m sorry Fred.”
Jaime sat across from me hunched over the table with lines of worry on his forehead.
“Don’t be.” I mumbled as he lay his head on his arms. “Look Jaime, there is always going to be something going wrong. We cant escape that factor of life but you don’t have to suffer on your own. I get that you’re upset, I am too, but don’t shut me out. Everything is pretty sucky right now but you’re okay and even if you’re not, you will be eventually because I’ll help you get there. I can’t have you going crazy on me”
Jaime laughed, moving his hands across the table to hold mine. “Fred, I don’t think I’ve lived a single sane day in my entire life.”
“Well anymore insane and I’d probably drop you off at an institution, so keep a lid on the crazy.”
We both laughed and it felt nice to see the way the dimples pierce his cheeks again. It felt like forever since I had seen that even if it was only a few days ago.

“We should probably get going.” I stated standing up from the table.
“One more thing.” Jaime spoke before pulling on my hand. I spun back around with Jaime only inches away. His nose brushed against mine as our lips came into contact. I don't think I'll ever to be able to kill the feeling I get in moments like this.
“Thank you Fred… really.”

There wasn’t anything else that needed to be spoken. We both knew that it wasn’t going to be okay but we also knew that both of us were not going to be alone. I suddenly felt like I could tackle the world with the slightest ease because Jaime would be right there to tackle it with me.

I took his hand dragging him to the car. “Come on, let’s go.”

---

Even in the silence of the car with three sleeping bodies surrounding me everything was loud. I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking. How are things going to change when we get back home because nothing is the same... not even in the slightest.