Maybe We're Just Having Too Much Fun?

Weeks have passed since I last saw Tony. His band left to go tour somewhere around the world which I could easy find online but I didn’t. I focused on my jobs as much as I tried. It was easy the first few days but then after it got a little hard not to think of him. The more the days passed by, the less I went out with my friends, coworkers and Feena. It was starting to get harder and depressing. I started shutting everyone out. I've became a turtle.

Turtle...Tony.

Sigh.

I spent most of my time at the studio just practicing. I was auditioning to get into a dance academy in New York that I've been thinking of going for a while. I finally had enough money saved to attend, but with Tony gone and upset with me had made it difficult. I was stressing out; I couldn't concentrate with the reoccurring thoughts of Tony coming to mind. I miss his bare skin against mine. How his hands perfectly connected to mine. How his lips pressed against mine made me feel better. Mine. Everything between Tony and I felt so right and I had to go and ruin it. Yeah I practically have feelings for him now. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. And I am guilty.

I took a look at myself in the mirror and the guiltiness was hitting me harder. I miss him. I miss his stupid smile, his stupid snap backs (all he ever wore), his stupid Padawan braid that I always play with when I'm laying down with him, his stupid laugh and stupid voice, his stupid obsession with Star Wars and turtles and his stupidness. I'm pretty sure everyone got the point: I miss Tony.

I got my phone out of my gym bag and sat down on the floor. I needed to call Tony and apologize. I didn't actually mean what I said. I did, but it came out wrong. Okay, I didn't. I need to stop lying and telling myself that I don't have feeling for Tony because I clearly do. His absence only made me realize how much I like him. Every possible second was spent on thinking of him. EVERY SECOND. I didn't think he'd get his feelings hurt; I didn't even think he had any.

I scrolled through my contacts until I found Stoney Wan Kenobi. I pressed the phone icon and it started to dial his number. With every ring I heard, my heart sped up. I'm not going to choke out, I told myself. Just apologize and take it from there. It rang a couple of times and no answer. It went to voicemail. I should have figured it would.

“Hey, you reached Tone, you know what to do. (beep).”

“Tony, It’s Lina.” I paused, thinking he answered and I was waiting for his response. “Um, I know there were things that shouldn’t have been said. I was a bitch....actually, I AM a bitch. I want to apologize for things I’ve said. So can you please return my call? I understand if you don’t ever want to speak to me again. I deserve it.” I paused again. “Ok, I think I'll end this message now.....I miss you....bye.”


He didn't return my phone call. I waited a few days for my phone to ring and for Tony’s picture and name to appear on my screen, but all I got was nothing. I guess he took it to heart and it’s actually over between us. I shouldn't have gone to that stupid party. I shouldn't have flirted with Mike. I shouldn’t have met the stupid band members or let stupid Tony seduce me. Why must I be freakishly weak around Tony? Stupid, stupid, stupid. How I miss that stupid kid.

Feena walked into the living room and stared at me on the ground. I was just laying face down doing nothing but think of Tony. It’s all I did for the past two months that he was been gone. It felt like half a year.

I felt someone’s eyes on me so I lifted my head up and saw Feena staring at me, giving me an odd look. “Necesitas un novio. You need to get back out there and find someone else.” (You need a boyfriend.)

The only boyfriend I want is out of the country or avoiding me.

She crossed her arms in front of her. She was getting ready to leave to work. I let out a long deep breath and lied back down on the floor. “I know.” I should just suck it up and date someone. I mean, how bad can it be? How hard is it to date again after losing someone you had deep feelings for?

I took Feena’s advice and started dating again. I started to hang out with the blonde guy that I tatted up at work. He was a great guy actually. Has a steady job/career and works out on his free time, hence his jaw dropping biceps. We hung out a few times. Lunch, dinner, mall, movies. He got my mind off Tony which was a good thing, I mean, Tony isn't talking to me no more, so why be all sad about him when I could find a prince to date?


As I think of dancing, I start to remember that the auditions were getting closer. It made me nervous. I started to feel sick just thinking about it. I rehearsed my choreography multiple times, but it was missing something. It didn't look good and it wasn't perfect. I played the song again and waited for the beat to play so I can dance. I found an 8 count that I didn’t like anymore because it didn’t fit the song. So I replayed the song again and waited to hear that beat. When I did I tried to think of another 8 count that would fit better.

All the sudden my phone went off. It was the Star Wars theme song;
Tony's ringtone.

I turned off the music and stood quietly, listening carefully just to make sure it was his ringtone. And it was. I quickly ran to bag, searching for my phone and when I found it I stared at the screen. My phone read “Incoming Call: Stoney Wan Kenobi.” His stupid picture flashed. I quickly answered and tried to remain calm.

“Tony, I'm sorry.” I started.

“I thought I'd let you suffer for a bit.”

“Well, it worked. I'm really sorry.” I swallowed the lump on my throat and continued. “I miss you.” I said really softly and looking down at my jazz shoes, wiggling my toes. I was happy to hear his voice again. I thought I never would again.

“You what?” I heard him smile over the other end. It made me smile because it felt like he wasn’t mad at me anymore. I just wanted things to go back to normal the way they were or even start a relationship with him. Only him.

“I fucking miss you!" I shouted and slid down the mirrors to the floor. I laid my head on my knees and smiled happily like a little high schooler.

“You miss me? Or you miss the sex?”

I tried not to laugh but we all know what my answer was. "Will you get mad if I say both?" I bit my bottom lip. I heard him chuckle. It was his normal I know you want me kind of laugh. It brought a smile on my face again or should I say a bigger one. The time I spent with him only made me figure out what kind of laughs he used for every situation we've been through. It was odd, but hey, we all get attached to someone and learn interesting/odd facts and habits about them.

“Good, because the girls here aren't cutting it.” He was trying to make me jealous or mad. It didn't work. I didn't care if he messed around with other chicks, I just needed him back in my life. Okay, maybe it kind of did get me a little mad but I didn't want to show it. It's probably a lie. Well, I’m hoping it’s one. And I will make him get tested before we fool around again.

“You're screwing the wrong ones. We're sexmates; we sexually belong together.”

He chuckled again then it fell silent for a few minutes. Was he pondering? Did he have something to tell me? Did he hang up? I waited for him to say something before I did. “I'm arriving in LA in three hours. I'll come over so we can settle this in person.”

This =Sex.
Yes!
NO! I'm dating someone!

“Yeah, that’ll be great and better. I'll see you then.” I scratched an itch on my head.

“Sure.” He hung up without out saying a proper goodbye. That wasn’t a good sign. He's going to be an asshole again. Just fucking great, Carolina. Back to square one. Smack yourself....with a brick because now we have to deal with the douchey Tony Perry again for, who knows, how long.

I started heading home after correcting a few things on my choreography. I was doing a classic music remix with some guitar solos mixed in. It was ballet/jazz. I liked it. After a few minutes I grab my gym bag and then left home. I took a long cold shower and then put on something comfortable. I tidy up the place and made myself a fruit salad with lemon, salt and hot sauce. Tapatio to be exact. Got to have that in practically everything I eat.

I got on my PlayStation and played some zombies as I wait for Tony. I played online since I had an hour left before he comes. What am I going to say to him? I don't know what I'll do if he brings up 'us' again. As a matter of fact, I don't think I want to see him anymore. He'll probably bitch at me for having a b-boy...I can't even say it in my mind. Oh god, I need to prepare for another argument. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I just won't mention Jason.....but what if he wants sex? I want sex. I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself.

Fuck my life.

My phone vibrated and it cleared me from my thoughts and my mind went straight to Tony. He texted me saying he's heading up. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Why am I getting nervous? My heart was beating rapidly and my hands were beginning to sweat and I start getting a weird feeling in my stomach. I wanted to throw up. Just focus on the zombie killing in front your eyes. Everything will be fine. Look, you just got an HK from the mystery box. You're going to kick ass. Now go run and get Juggernaut before the zombies get you.

Scenarios played in my head about Tony flipping out about me having a boy....friend. Then I have another scenario where I don't tell him and I end up cheating on Jason. And lastly Tony giving me the 'us' talk.

Sjihtvimifheedikgigeripmsqkchkff

I heard his footsteps and the door knob turning. He opened the door and my heart begins racing even more than it was before. Heart attack? Tony looked straight at me. My eyes went to him and then back to the television. There were zombies chasing me. A part of me wanted to jump up from the couch and hug the hell out of Tony and have the best sex ever but another part of me was scared to even touch him.

My mouth was slightly open. My teeth were showing. Don't choke, Carol. Just speak.

“Okay, let's settle this then.” He started, placing his hands together and rubbing them. He sat next to me. I couldn't get words to come out. He took the control away from me and started playing. “You are a big jerk. That's what you are.” Okay, not what I expected but talk Lina. TALK! You're just gonna sit there and have nothing to say? You're going to look like you're not sorry for what you said. Open your mouth! “You actually did hurt my feelings. After rejecting me, you go and say that? Are you out of your fucking mind?”

He looked at me and then back to the TV as he got a ray gun from the mystery box. I was on level 23. I was mad that he wasted my money on the mystery box because I already had gotten the HK, but hey....ray gun is good too.

“A simple 'no' would have sufficed. But nooooooooo,” he sang, “you become a jerk. You owe me. A LOT OF SEX. Whatever I say goes and even if you have to get on your knees.” He ran up the stairs to the lander on the PHD area in the map Ascension. A storm of zombies were chasing him and the other two people I was playing with online. “I'm still hurting. I actually wasn't planning on coming here, but I remembered, I'm not a jerk like you are.”

Then the words came out of mouth without even thinking. “I got raped before moving to California.”

Silence took over. He stopped playing to stare at me for a brief minute. I didn’t look at him or say anything for a while. I never wanted to bring up my past because I was still trying to get over it. It’s been 12 years and I was still a bit psychologically scarred from it. I’ve managed to befriend men and let them hug me and kiss me but I couldn’t go any further than that.

“The guy made me do all this things to myself and to him. I was practically his submissive. That's how I learned....” I look down to my hands and played with the sleeves of my sweater. I was trying hard not to think of the past. But I couldn't. It felt like it was just yesterday. “My parents also got divorced so I moved with my dad here in Cali since my mom was a whore—hence why I don't hook up with random guys.” He stopped paying attention to the television. His eyes were set on me.

“You were the only person I hooked up with. So I consider you my first .” I paused, holding back the tears that were starting to build up on my eyes. “I wanted to stop being so traumatized so that's why I agreed with your plan.” I paused. “Yes, I'm scared of commitment because I seriously thought there was such thing as love until my parents got divorce and I don't want to get hurt like my dad did. I couldn't stand seeing my own father cry for days."

He got himself killed in the game by staring at me. I could see by his face expression that he felt bad for me. He didn't know what to say. I didn't want his sympathy. I just wanted him to know.

“You don't have to say anything. I'm over it all. I'm seeing someone....actually. I'm trying the whole boyfriend thing. I don't like it but I actually do want to get married one day in the near future.”

“I'm so sorry,” he finally said. I looked at the screen of the TV.

“I'm sorry for what I said.” My phone went off and it broke the silence. I ignored the call and just stared back at Tony. “I don't want your sympathy. I don't want my story to change how we are with each other. Just pretend I never told and continue to be mad at me. I can handle it.”

He nodded and I grabbed the second control off the coffee table to join him. He scooted over next to me and put his arm around me and kissed my forehead before starting a new game.

Cuddling: something I needed.