All the Shades of Her

The next morning I woke up alone in the cold light of day. My skull felt as if it had been smashed into damn near a thousand pieces, my legs were cramped and sore. I staggered through to the bathroom to have a shower, dreading when the memories of the night before would return.

When they did, I puked. I can’t say for sure if it was the kiss or the alcohol that kept my head down the goddamn toilet for half an hour, but regardless of which it was, it came down to Charis.

It always came down to Charis.

Afterwards, I lay on my unmade bed and lit a cigarette. I took one draw before stubbing it out on my bed frame and throwing it out the window. The previous night played re-runs inside my head.

“I’m going to go fucking crazy,” I muttered to myself.

Just then, my cell phone vibrated. I picked it up and waited for it to respond to my incessant button-bashing. (It’s a piece of shit, honestly.) Eventually, after about ten hours, the screen lit up and the message flashed across the screen:

You need to stop being a lazy son-of-a-bitch and wake up!! When you do, get your ass down to Red Pine, there’s someone I want you to meet.
C x

She didn’t mention the kiss by the lake, and that meant that I was over-thinking it, which meant that Charis was either not thinking enough of it, or not thinking about it full stop. And that meant that it hadn’t meant a damn thing to Charis, and it meant too much to me.

Try to forget about it, I thought.

-

The annoying thing about Charis is that when she does something, she can’t do it normally. Like at the park: she can’t just sit her ass on the damn swing and swing on it (because that’s far too un-cool), she’s got to spin around on it so the chain gets all twisted, or lie back so far she’s horizontal, or stand on it or something.

If it were anyone else but Charis, I wouldn’t associate myself with that kind of decorum. But alas, it was Charis and love doesn’t permit those kinds of choices.

So when I saw her standing on the swing at Red Pine Park and sort of shaking it around as she smoked a cigarette, I sighed a bit, but I couldn’t help the smile that was creeping across my face at the same time.

“Evan!” she called obnoxiously as she rattled the chains of the swing like a damn monkey. “You’ve finally graced us with your presence!” I rolled my eyes.

“I didn’t even have to show up, you know, I do have better things to be doing with my time,” I retorted as I approached. She hopped down off the swing.

“Girl, I hope you’re not referring to school. Don’t even talk to me about school.” She looked around and threw her cigarette down. “Listen, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

“Who?” I asked.

“An affiliate of mine, shall we say. Someone very high up in my area.”

“Your area?” I scoffed. “What area?”

“Debauchery, obviously. Look, here she comes now.” Charis pointed to the opposite end of the park and from where I was standing I could see a sort of tall girl coming towards us from the houses in the distance.

“Who’s that?” I asked, feeling what was surely jealousy rising in my chest. I got ridiculously possessive when it came to Charis. I didn’t like sharing and I hated the thought of her spending her time with anyone but me.

“Reece,” Charis informed me matter-of-factly. “She’s fantastic.” (She said this last part as if I ought to know that Reece was fantastic.) As Reece made her way towards us, Charis bounced over and pulled her into a loose hug. I could feel myself becoming increasingly envious. I’d never even heard mention of Reece before then, and I was seriously pissed about it. I could tell Charis was trying to impress her: laughing loudly, tossing her hair around like a fucking Barbie, eager to please; hovering around this bitch like she was the best damn thing in the world. That sort of hurt, because she never tried very hard to impress me.

Charis’ problem is that she always feels inadequate, and she hides it by pretending she’s a total asshole. She’s really not, but sometimes she just takes it too far and gets caught up in it all; she forgets who she really is. That’s sort of what I’m here for, to bring her back to safe waters.

(She told me all these things when she got drunk one night and tried to climb in my window. We sat outside in my yard and she opened up to me. Needless to say when the dawn came she never mentioned it again, and neither did I. She’s odd that way.)

So I stood and watched like a third-damn-wheel as Charis fussed and frenzied over this stupid girl. When they finally reached me, Charis was practically out of breath.

“This is Reece,” she puffed, trying to sound nonchalant and failing. Reece had sort of long dark red hair and long eyelashes fringing suspicious eyes. She had big breasts and curvy hips and long legs like a model. She stared down at me with a bored expression and I felt myself withering like paper in a flame.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly, praying that the ground would somehow open up and swallow me. Reece made a sort of noise that, translated, meant: “I really don’t care who the fuck you are because I’m beautiful and you’re just some gay virgin who hangs around at lakes and parks and cares more about school than alcohol and that’s not cool.”

I was already beginning to hate her.

“Reece got us smokes,” Charis chirped, pulling one out and lighting up. “You want one?”

I shook my head and Charis laughed nervously, glancing up at Reece. “Evan doesn’t really smoke that much.”

“Really,” Reece said monotonously, looking around the park with an air of impatience. Her smoker’s voice was deep and sexy. “Is Evan coming to the party?”

“Party?” I asked, looking at Charis. “What party?” She was really getting on my last nerve. I always had to find things out from everyone else; Charis never told me anything herself unless she was pissed. Incidentally, I told her everything (almost). She shrugged.

“There’s a party tonight. Very big deal. Reece invited us.”

“Wow, you’re such a saint, Reece,” I commented sarcastically. She turned her face to look at me and raised an eyebrow. I knew for a fact that the only reason Charis was friends with Reece was because she could get something out of her. She was friends with her because Reece could give her what I couldn’t: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, parties. I was so frustrated I felt like I was going to explode. What have you got to do to make someone see you? I mean really see you?

God, I was pissed.

“Excuse me?” she said in her low voice, moving towards me.

I’d never been in a fight. It was usually Charis that argued and fought and bitched and fucked people up. But I hated Reece, I goddamn hated her for being better than me. Yet in spite of the adrenaline and the fact my heart was beating a million times per minute and the feeling of my fist beginning to clench I could feel myself shrinking in front of her. I was three feet tall. Nothing.

Charis moved between us, her back to Reece. “Girl, you don’t want to do this. C’mon, she’s cool.” Her fingers found mine and forced them to open. She looked at me with her cool grey eyes and I deflated.

“I’m going home,” I muttered breathlessly, turning away from them both.

“No, baby, come with us.” Charis reached for my arm but I jerked it away.

“I’m not going anywhere with her.” Charis rolled her eyes at me, flicking her cigarette away. Reece stood behind her, arms folded. She smirked at me.

“Evan, what the fuck is your problem?” I shook my head.

“You just don’t get it. You’re so fucking dumb, Charis. Why are we even friends? I can’t give you what she can. I never have. I don’t know if you get some sort of sick thrill out of acting like an asshole but I’m through with you. Just leave with this bitch, go and fuck with someone else’s head. I’m done.”

I turned and started to walk away.

“Hey!” Charis shouted at my back. “Hey! If this is about last night then–”

“I said I’m done!” I yelled. I could feel my throat tightening and my eyes beginning to sting. Don’t you cry, don’t you dare cry, I thought as I walked away from the girl I loved. I was tired; sick and fucking tired of it all. You can’t play with someone’s heart, you just can’t do that.

I went to the lake and screamed. I screamed for what felt like hours until my throat was goddamn raw. I didn’t want to cry because Charis didn’t deserve to have that kind of control over me. After I screamed I lay down on the pebbles and swallowed my sadness.

I stared at the clouds and I prayed hard for peace.

Then I cried.

-

By the time I got home, it was dark. I’d missed dinner but I didn’t care. When I got in my mom tried to talk to me but I couldn’t muster even a word of false conversation. I went straight to my room and clambered on to my bed. I felt like total shit, my head hurt from crying and my eyes were red and puffy. I tried to direct my thoughts away from Charis and Reece, at some party getting drunk, but I couldn’t.

I put my head under the pillow and stayed like that for a while, thinking about trying not to think and how best to manage it. I was close to falling asleep when my phone buzzed into life. Through blurred and sleepy vision I read the text she’d sent me:

Come to 128 Chain Lake Drive

C x

After that, I lay with my head under the pillow for a good while longer and breathed deep and slow. How long will this go on, I thought. But you can’t reason with your heart. It came down to staying or going, and I knew either way I was in love with her. That’s the problem with love – no matter what course of action you choose, you’re still stuck with it. You’re always in love when you don’t want to be.

Finally, I dragged myself out of bed and climbed out the window, wondering just how much more my heart could take.