All the Shades of Her

“Evangeline, get your lazy ass out of bed,” Mom called grumpily from the foot of my bed. I opened my eyes, squinting in the harsh morning light. My mom was nursing a mug of coffee in one hand and rubbing her forehead with the other. “There’s someone here to see you.”

I rolled out of bed, shaking my hair loose with quick hands. “Don’t get goddamn pissy with me just ‘cause you’re hungover,” I retorted, and Mom glared at me. I raised my eyebrows before climbing over her bed to reach the door.

I pulled it open to find Estelle clutching a bouquet of flowers and wearing her trademark soft smile.

“Oh!” I cried out, surprised, and from the bedroom my Mom groaned.

“Too loud!” she grumbled, crawling in to her bed. I made a face and stepped outside, closing the door behind me. I was conscious that I was still wearing my pyjamas, whereas Estelle looked and smelled amazing. I fidgeted with my hands, not sure what to say.

“It’s customary to say ‘good morning’, y’know,” Estelle said, but when I looked up I could see she the corner of her lips were tugged up into a half-smile. I blushed.

“Morning,” I replied and Estelle’s smile widened.

“Better,” she said, shifting from one foot to the other, “but you should really work on that.” I laughed quietly and she chuckled. I glanced pointedly at the flowers and she offered them to me. “I got these for you.”

I took them, cheeks growing hotter. “Thanks, I guess. No one’s given me flowers before.” I stood awkwardly, trying to avoid poking myself in the face with the plants.

“I feel special.” Estelle grinned. “Anyway, since I still have a debt to pay I reckoned we could go out for something to eat. There’s a really nice place next door and-”

“I’m not ready,” I blurted, and Estelle’s face fell. “I mean yes, but I’m not dressed,” I corrected. She looked me up and down and grinned.

“Really? I thought that’s what you usually wore to dates,” she commented sarcastically.

A date? A pretty girl was actually asking me on a date. A real date; not some rescue mission to the other side of town. My stomach somersaulted at the thought.

“Very funny,” I replied, managing an equal amount of sarcasm. Estelle shrugged merrily.

“What I was going to say was that you could get dressed while I wait downstairs in the lobby.”

“Nice suggestion,” I told her. She nodded in agreement. “Fifteen minutes?”

“I’ll see you in fifteen minutes.” Estelle smiled before turning away down the hall towards the elevators. I slipped back inside the room, unsure as to how best explain the appearance of the flowers, but I found my mom fast asleep in her bed, snoring.

After taking a quick shower and tying my hair up into a loose bun, I pulled on a patterned sweater and a pair of jeans before applying a modest amount of make up and hurrying out the door, making sure that I closed it quietly behind me.

As I jogged down the hall I pulled out my phone, finding a message from Charis along with a further three missed calls. I opened the text, jumping into an elevator at the same time. It read:

I keep trying to call you but you’re not responding. Not sure if you’re dead, pissed off with me, or just being an asshole. They’re all pretty weak excuses if I’m honest, but whatever. If the mood seizes you, stop being an ignorant bitch and get in touch. I miss you.

C x

I typed a quick reply before the elevator reached the ground floor, mashing my thumbs into the mangled buttons.

Not many adventures in Ontario but I have a date. Will call later tonight. Back late on Sunday. I miss you too.

I didn’t bother signing my name. I had no idea why Charis bothered, since our phones had goddamn caller ID anyway. Presently, the elevator doors opened and I stepped out into the spacious lobby. Estelle was curled up in an armchair next to the hotel entrance, watching her surroundings with mild interest.

I shoved my cell back into my pocket and brushed down my sweater before heading over. Estelle’s eyes flicked upwards to my face upon my approach then swept over my attire.

“Nice,” she complimented. “I preferred the pyjamas, though.”

“Shut up,” I laughed. “You took me by surprise.”

Estelle stood up; she was around my height, maybe a bit taller. She grinned. “Yeah, I really need to stop doing that, don’t I?”

We started towards the revolving doors that separated the lobby from the outside world and I shrugged. “It was a pleasant surprise, don’t worry. The flowers were an especially nice touch.”

“The romantic in me,” Estelle explained as we exited the hotel. It was a fairly nice day, somewhere between not too hot and not too cold. The sun was half-hidden behind a cluster of cloud. Estelle led me down the street to the café she’d been talking about, almost next door but not quite.

We found a table and sat down and Estelle handed me a menu. I took the opportunity to study her in full light, as the previous night had been dimly lit in its entirety.

Today she wore her hair over one shoulder, revealing an ear with a moderate number of piercings. The light caught every tone and highlight hidden within her locks, and she appeared to shine beneath the sun. Her eyes were intelligent, deep pools of azure that looked to me like if I dived in I would never surface again.

“So,” Estelle said slowly, bringing me out of my stupor. I looked at her expectantly as she laid her menu flat out on the table. “Do I actually get to kiss you this time?”

“Depends on how you play your cards,” I joked, finding this flirtatious side of myself strange and unfamiliar.

“Damn,” Estelle mocked, “I never was any good at cards.”

I laughed and Estelle smiled, her cheeks dimpling. Under the table I felt her hand brush my leg before her palm found mine.

“Are you just going to skip the kissing part and start feeling me up?” I challenged. Estelle smiled innocently.

“You’re hot, what can I say. Especially in pyjamas.” A blush crept up the underside of my neck before flushing across my cheeks. I’d never been told I was hot before. Hot was something that I pictured Charis to be: dark, seductive and forbidden. But Estelle had introduced me to a different kind of hot: playful and pretty and open. “Am I being too forward?”

I shook my head, enjoying the attention that I’d rarely received. She smiled, biting her lip. Her consistent concern was adorable and endearing and heart-melting. “Even if you were, what makes you think it’d be that easy?” I smirked and Estelle eyed me suggestively, making me laugh.

“Have you had girlfriends before?” she asked, her voice heavy with curiosity. I fiddled with the fingers on my free hand, embarrassed.

“No,” I told her. “Not exactly. Have you?” I prayed that she wouldn’t question my past with girls further, because I didn’t want to explain the friendship that I shared with Charis.

“I’ve had four girlfriends. Two long-term.”

“Wow,” I replied quietly, genuinely surprised. I was thoughtful for a moment. “How did you know that I like girls?”

“I have excellent gaydar,” Estelle confessed, completely serious. “Your mom on the other hand…” She trailed off meaningfully. I laughed.

We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, listening to the morning bustle of the half-empty café. Estelle’s fingers played with my own, and for a second I found myself thinking about how they’d feel in other places: my hair, my neck, my legs. I noticed that I was gripping on to her hand hard and she was watching me from across the table with eyes twinkling.

“What on earth are you thinking about?” she laughed and I blushed, hoping my irritating flushes wouldn’t give too much away. I had the feeling that she’d guessed however, because her touches became lighter and quicker.

“Food?” I suggested, slightly breathless. Estelle grinned, though her hand was reluctant to leave mine.

“I have a better idea.”

-

That was the first time I’d gone to a café and left without actually purchasing anything. Instead, Estelle bought chips and dip and a less well-known romantic comedy from the nearest store. We traipsed back to her hotel room, my arms full of other snacks that I’d bought.

Heidi was out on a work project (or so Estelle told me; I suspected that Estelle had told her to disappear for the afternoon) so we had the room to ourselves. I threw the pile of junk food down on one of the beds, sighing with relief. Estelle settled down in front of the television and shoved the DVD into its respective slot in the machine.

Then, she shut the curtains and turned the lights off, so we were swathed in darkness. I sat on the bed, waiting for her to turn the TV on. She sat down next to me, fumbling for the remote control in the black of the bedroom. Finally, the screen flickered into life and within two minutes the movie had started. It was awful, truly, and Estelle and I spent the majority of the film reciting and re-enacting all the cliché lines.

After demolishing mostly all of our snacks, we lay back on the bed, its narrow width forcing our bodies closer together. Estelle's head lay across my shoulder, her arm draped over my lower stomach. Like the first night, I found my mind wandering to her rather than focusing on the movie. Her hair smelled like green apples, and her body felt comfortable, moulded to the shape of my own.

At some point, she raised her head, her eyes meeting mine. The moment they connected I knew she was going to kiss me. I wondered if she'd ask for permission this time, and I decided that I would be courageous and make the first move. I lifted a shaky hand to her cheek, to find it soft and warm and smooth. Her eyes fluttered shut as she let her face fall into my hand and I took a deep breath.

"Kiss me," I whispered, and her eyes opened. Her stare was electric and it sent a ripple through my tense body. I pulled her closer to me, something growing hotter in the depths of my stomach as I felt her breath tickle my face.

Her lips melted into mine in the gentlest of kisses, her hair falling across my neck in a curtain that made our kiss feel secret and secluded even though the room was unoccupied. I wrapped my arms around her neck and she breathed what seemed like a sigh of relief.

"Desperate were we?" I smiled against her mouth.

"You have no idea," she mumbled, pressing her lips to mine, firmer this time. She slipped a hand beneath my sweater and I breathed in sharply. Her hands weren't searching and rough like Charis', but teasing and nervous. Like she'd never touched a girl before. She felt the bones of my ribs, squeezing in all the right places. Turning me into a breathless wreck. Estelle herself was in worse condition, and I could tell she was having a hard time holding back. Her kisses became hotter, though still soft, and her body moved against mine desperately. Her breathing was ragged and uneven, her eyes glazed.

"You know I'm not going to sleep with you right now, don't you?" I chuckled darkly and she moaned in my mouth, frustrated. "I feel like you're setting yourself up for a loss." But feeling flirty and playful, I hooked my fingers into her waistband, pulling her hips into mine and making her groan.

"Not fair," she grumbled, pouting. Her bottom lip was irresistible, and I kissed her again. We were lost in each other for what seemed like a lifetime, and I wasn't sure how we managed not to fuck right there on the bed.

Eventually, Estelle sat upright with a large sigh, pushing her hair out of her face. She glared at me half-heartedly.

"What's up?" I asked, though I already knew. She sighed again, lying down on my stomach and folding her arms. I laughed. "You really need to get laid."

"You're telling me!" Estelle scoffed, peering up at me suggestively. I raised an eyebrow.

"I told you it wouldn't be easy," I told her innocently, before bending down to kiss her again. And before long I had immersed myself in her mouth once more.

-

My cell buzzed and I answered it instantly. "Hello?"

"Where the fuck have you been at, girl?" said the familiar voice on the other end. Harsh, chiding, but only slightly so. "I've been waiting on your ass for, like, days!" I couldn't help smiling, finding myself hit with a sudden wave of homesickness, despite the day I'd just had.

"Sorry, Charis," I apologised. For some reason, the anger I'd felt for Charis before I'd left home was dull and fading, like it had given up altogether. "I was feeling sort of funny about some stuff, but it's fine now."

"Yeah, yeah," she replied. "How's Ontario?" I lay back on the bed. My mother had gone out with friends, having recovered from her hangover.

"Pretty boring," I said honestly, "except I met someone..."

"Yeah," Charis cut in suddenly, "what the fuck is that all about?" She sounded angry, but like she was trying to pass it off as casual half-hearted interest.

"Well, I was at a party last night and-"

"Are they a girl?" I paused, realising my mistake. I was about to come out to my best friend who I was undeniably in love with. I'd been trying to hide myself from her for years, she like a searchlight and I keeping to the shadows. A spark of defiance sprung into life inside of me: why should I have to hide? I'd met an amazing girl that I liked and who liked me, and who was to say that Estelle wouldn't help me get over Charis?

"Yes," I responded decisively. "Her name is Estelle."

There was a silence from the other end of the line. I held my breath, waiting for Charis to explode. But her reply wasn't the one that I expected.

"And what's so damn fantastic about this Estelle chick?" she demanded. I was confused; Charis had no reason to be mad at me for having a life outside her (although I'd admit this thought was a little hypocritical).

"She's beautiful, charming, cute, funny, caring, a great kisser-"

"Hold up, a great kisser? You've known this girl, what, a day? And you're fucking her already?"

"I never said I was fucking her," I replied defensively. "I've kissed her, that's all."

"Wow, Evan, I never put you down as the type to sleep around," Charis snapped, and I realised then that she was trying to hurt me. I felt anger rise within me.

"Bit rich coming from you after you fucked Reece by the lake," I retaliated sharply, using the best weapon I had. There was another silence, a tense one this time.

"I know who you're in love with," Charis said tonelessly. I froze. My palms were sweaty, my heart hammered against my ribs like fists against bars. "Evan, I know that you're in love with me."

I tried not to break down, more than I'd ever tried to do anything. But I couldn't help it. My biggest secret was out in the open, all my attempts to keep it hidden had failed. Everything had been for nothing. I started to cry silently, one hand over my mouth to keep myself quiet. I said nothing.

"I know that's why you hate Reece, and why you were so upset about the kiss that night at the lake. I figured it out. That's why you've been acting so damn weird with me for all this time."

My shoulders shook harder and the tears came faster as I fell apart inside. Here I was, stuck at a crossroads. Between a girl who liked me and a girl who didn't. But I loved that damn girl so fucking much that it was tearing me apart.

"I'm glad that you found somebody. I think that she'll be good for you, not like me." Charis' voice was heavy with something that I couldn't place, almost miserable. "I don't think that we should be friends anymore."

"W-what?" I stuttered, wondering how the night could get any worse. Surely Charis didn't mean it, she needed me.

"You're my best friend. I can't keep doing this to you. I know that I'm an insensitive dick and that I act like I don't care about anything and, honestly, you're the only thing I do care about. You're the one thing I promised myself that I would never break, ever since the first night we met. I knew that you were fragile and I thought that maybe if we had someone else to try and hold together aside from ourselves then we wouldn't fall apart. But this was never meant to happen, I've fucked up in the worst way possible and ending our friendship is the only way to fix it. You've found someone to take better care than you than I ever did. Damn, we both know that's true. You'll be ten times better off without me, I promise."

"Charis, no, I don't want this. I don't care if-"

"I care," she said flatly. "I care. I'm sorry, I really, truly am. But I just can't. Not anymore. I'm sorry. I love you, Evangeline."

And with that, the line clicked with a certain finality that stopped my tears altogether. I sat cross-legged on my bed, shocked and numb. There was no way to describe it aside from emptiness. That's how I felt: empty. Empty because Charis was all I'd ever known, and she'd filled a particular abyss inside of me; a Charis-shaped hole where no one else could quite fit. This was wrong, all wrong.

I curled up on my side, cradling my ribs and hiccoughing. I stared at my phone, hoping that it was all a joke and she'd call me back, laughing at how she'd had me going the whole time. Calling me a massive gay. Being how Charis was supposed to be. But minutes turned to hours and the phone call never came.

I knew it then. I'd lost her. Charis was gone.