All the Shades of Her

“Hey, what’s up with you?” Estelle said, giving my foot a gentle kick. I looked up at her, attempted a smile. Failed. I shrugged, trying to ignore her concerned expression. She pulled me up off my bed and into her arms, squeezing me gently. “You look miserable.”

I rested my head in the crook of her neck so her hair tickled my nose. It wasn't worth bringing up Charis and having to explain the situation, or having to confess that I was in love with another girl. I pulled away and stared into Estelle’s eyes.

“What do you think will happen when we go home?” I asked as Estelle slid her arms around my waist. She stayed in Calgary whereas I lived just outside of Winnipeg. Distance wasn't something that particularly appealed to me, but I didn't know what to do about Charis either. She raised an eyebrow.

“I hope you don’t think this is just a summer fling, Miss Finlay. I was sort of intending to keep you...” She kissed my ear and I sighed involuntarily. “Why?”

“It’s just...” I started, then trailed off. I didn't know how best to say it. I removed myself from her arms and sat down on the bed.

“Just what?” Estelle threw herself down next to me. She began playing with my hair and my eyes fluttered shut.

“You stay so far away and... I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep seeing each other, that’s all.” It wasn't lying exactly, but I wasn't coming totally clean about why I felt so down. I was still waiting for that phone call from Charis. The only thing that would make it all alright. Estelle rubbed my side reassuringly.

"I’ll make sure that isn't a problem, Evan. I promise." I leaned back against her, comfortable. I could feel her heart beating against my back and I thought how much it would kill me to break it. But was it really worth hurting Estelle over a girl that didn't want me? Wouldn't I be throwing everything away? I buried my head in my hands, trying to block out the confusion. "Are you sure you're okay? You're really quiet."

"Look, there's something that I need to get off my chest," I said, turning to face her. She smirked.

"This sweater, I hope," Estelle teased, pulling at my jumper. I rolled my eyes.

"No, for serious." She frowned, a crease forming between her eyebrows.

"Alright, but I can tell that I'm not going to like it much."

And so I spilled everything to her. From the moment that I'd met Charis to the moment that I'd realised that I loved her. The kiss by the lake to the introduction of Reece. The confession that Charis knew what I'd been hiding from her. A whole kaleidoscope of memories in the space of ten minutes. It made my life so far seem insignificant. And although I felt guilty that I hadn't been completely honest with Estelle, it felt so damn good to tell someone about everything I had been keeping inside for years.

When I finished, I took a breath. Estelle fidgeted with her fingers; she hadn't spoken a word while I talked. I waited, expected her to explode. But I'd forgotten that she wasn't Charis, that she was the complete opposite of her. She reached forwards and took my hands in her own.

"Well, I can't exactly say I'm overjoyed," she said with a shaky laugh. I smiled weakly. "That bitch has taken you on one hell of a ride though, I gotta admit."

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you before. It's just... She's already ruined basically everything up until now." Estelle shrugged and squeezed my hands. There was a brief silence.

"So are you still in love with her then?" she asked curiously. I thought about it.

"I don't know. I know that it's pointless but I can't seem to be able to help it." Estelle sighed almost inaudibly, as if that were the answer she'd been expected, then clambered on top of me.

"What are you doing?" I asked, bewildered. She leaned down to kiss me.

"Maybe I can help it," she mumbled against my lips. Her fingers found the hem of my jumper and she slipped her hand underneath. I pushed my body against hers without meaning to and she grinned.

"What do you mean?" I said heavily, writhing with each touch.

"You know what I mean," Estelle replied with equal intensity. She gripped the waistband of my jeans and fumbled with the button. I groaned.

"I never agreed to this," I whispered after she kissed me forcefully.

"I can stop if you want," she responded, pausing for a moment to glance at me. I shook my head, appearing more eager than intended. She smirked. "I didn't think so."

This was going to be my first time. With a beautiful girl who I'd only known a few days. I wasn't complaining exactly, but it hadn't been what I'd expected. Truth be told, I'd always envisioned my first time to be with Charis. But I guess that was more of a fantasy than an expectation. I was nervous, yes, but I trusted Estelle to take care of me. To look after me and make sure that everything was alright. Could I say the same for Charis?

Presently, Estelle was watching me with a smirk and a mischievous glint in her blue eyes. "Nervous?" she asked, but her tone was only slightly teasing. I nodded. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine. "No need to be, baby. I'll take care of you."

It was the first time she'd called me by anything other than my name. And when she used the term 'baby', it was different to Charis. It was sincere and affectionate and gave me butterflies in my stomach, whereas Charis had meant it as a condescending pet name.

I pulled Estelle down to kiss me, crushing my mouth against her own in what was hardly a romantic kiss. She was enjoying it though, I could tell by the soft moans that escaped her lips every time they left my own.

"Take my shirt off," she said, her order peppered with kisses. I obliged, pulling it over her head and outstretched arms. I took in her flawless golden skin, almost like caramel. Her stomach slightly toned and her hipbones just visible above the hem of her jeans.

"You're beautiful," I whispered as her mouth returned to mine. She moaned in response. Once again her hands had found my jeans, as if asking for permission. "Can we get under the covers first?"

"'Course," she replied without a trace of impatience in her tone. We climbed between the bed sheets, legs entangled. "Now do you really need to be wearing these?" Estelle breathed, tugging at my jeans in frustration. I laughed.

"I suppose I could make do without..." That was all the permission Estelle needed, and she slid them down past my ankles then throw them off to the side. I was embarrassingly pale compared to her and I suddenly felt the urge to cover myself up. But Estelle laced her fingers with my own, calming me with a kiss.

"Don't be self-conscious," she told me. "I think you're gorgeous." And with that her lips found my neck, covering it with kisses, nibbling here and tasting there. Driving me to the edge and bringing me back just with the power of her mouth. Her hands pulled my top up, encouraging me to remove it. And I did, holding Estelle's half-naked body against my own.

And slowly our bodies became more heated and less clothed, until we lay together in only our underwear. Estelle kissed my collar bones then continued downwards, leaving a trail of wetness behind. Her teeth caught the ridges of my hips, just enough for me to grab her hair in my hands and hold on for everything I was worth. And then she played with the waistband of my pants, pulling it away then letting it snap back. Teasing.

"Estelle," I moaned, tugging her hair as gently as I could. She looked up at me, lips quirked in a half-smile.

"I love when you say my name like that," she told me. And then her tongue teased me there, above the fabric. The pressure was driving me insane, and I pulled her hair harder. "Will I take them off?" Estelle teased, pulling them down a little with her fingers.

"Yes," I breathed. She kissed the inside of my thigh and I moaned. I heard her chuckle. Finally, she pulled them down and I lay naked beneath the covers.

And so Estelle showed me what it meant to be touch, tasted, teased, sated and satisfied. What it meant to have someone handle you as if you might break with the slightest movement, like you were the most delicate thing on the planet. She showed me what pleasure was, what it felt like, what it looked like, until we collapsed, exhausted, in each other's arms.

"How was that?" she asked breathlessly, wiping a bead of sweat from my neck and kissing my forehead.

"Wow," I replied weakly and Estelle laughed. She closed her eyes and pulled me closer. I examined her face, relaxed in the darkness. I found myself comparing it to Charis'. And a strange sensation crept into my stomach: was it guilt? Could I possibly feel guilty for having sex with a girl who wasn't Charis when she didn't even return my affections? Yes, it was more than possible. It was happening. I squeezed my eyes shut, a tactic that I was using all too often to try and shut everything out.

Tomorrow I would go home. Back to the familiar streets that had served as adventures in times past. Back to the lake that held so much hurt and happiness. Back to the girl that was fucking me up in every way.

And nothing had changed.