The Reckless and the Brave.

Eleven.

You wanna know why I’m here? Because my parents no longer know what to do with me.
I stared at the words in front of me, trying to understand what she meant. She saw my confusion and sighed. She started writing in her notebook again.

After the…. incident my parents did everything they could to make me ‘better’, but nothing worked. I was afraid of people, even them, and I suffered from several panic attacks. After a while the doctor recommended this clinic. My parents were getting tired of trying and dumped my here. They keep saying it’s for my own good and I supposed they are right about it in a way. It took some time, but I’ve got the panic attacks under control… for the most part. And I’ve started to trust a few people again, or at least enough to let them come close to me, but I know the real reason I’m here is because my parents are ashamed of me. The simply couldn’t handle it anymore, their son had killed himself and their daughter was a complete nutcase. They didn’t want the world to know how fucked up our family really is, so they are hiding me here, out of shame.

I silently read the paragraph and looked up at Summer emotionless face. “I’m so sorry Summer, I can’t imagine what it’s like to not have anyone be there for you.” It’s okay, I’m used to it by now. I guess it’s why I cared so much about the fact you didn’t show up. You seemed to care about me Alex. You seemed to care enough to want to teach me how to play the guitar. I haven’t felt like that for a long time.

I reread what she’d written and a few words caught my attention. “Your brother, he killed himself? Is that why…?” Summer shook her head. No, his dead isn’t the reason why I am the way I am, but it certainly didn’t help either. “What happened?”He was…. involved, in a way, in what happened to me. He couldn’t live with the guilt and, well. the rest is history.

“I’m sorry.” I said. She smiled at me again. Why, it’s not your fault, is it? “No, I know that, I just…. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.” You don’t know half of it. I waited, hoping she’d tell more, but she didn’t. I have to go back. I don’t want the nurses to find out I snuck out again.

“You do that often?” Every once in a while. I’m not allowed out of the South Wing and I hate being locked up. I want to go outside, but I can’t during the day, too many people. She smiled again and waved before disappearing into the hallway. I closed the door behind her and laid down on the bed. Despite the horrible feeling that washed over me every time I thought about Bailey a small part of me felt happy, happy I finally seemed to have gain some of Summer’s trust.
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The next weekend I decided to take Summer’s advice and talk to the guys. Mandy wasn’t with them, because she was spending a day with Ben. I’d made up my mind and I was going to tell them the full story, but first I had to apologize to Jack.

I nervously shuffled towards him, embarrassed about my reaction last week. Neither one of us said something. “Alex, look..” “Jack, I’m…” We laughed. “Go ahead.” Jack chuckled. “I’m sorry.” I said. “About how I acted last week, I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t your fault.” “It’s okay.” He shrugged. “We’re just worried about you.” “I know, I know, that’s why…” I took a deep breath. “That’s why I want to tell you guys what happened.”

We sat down in the empty music room. I hadn’t been there since Mandy had left and it felt odd being here without her playing the piano. “So you know… about Bailey.” I said. Rian nodded. “Yeah, we got the news last week. We weren’t sure if you knew, but after your reaction last week I’d say you already did.” I nodded. “How long?” Jack asked. “I was the first person to find out.” I confessed. The guys gave me confused looks.

“When Bailey… died we were together.” “WHAT!?” 3 voices echoed through the room. “About a year ago Bailey and I ran into each other in the park, right after we got back from tour. We started hanging out again and not long after that we started dating again. We wanted to make sure we things would work out this time, so we agreed not to tell anyone until the one year mark of our relationship. But a month before that we got a fight, a big fight.” I hesitated, suddenly not sure if I should continue, but the stares of my friends forced me to keep talking.

“She drove off in a hurry and I didn’t hear from her for a few hours. I was about to go look for her when the police came to my door. They’d found a note with my address in her wallet, the one I gave her 11 months earlier, and they….” I bit my lip to keep myself from crying.

Nobody said a word, my friends probably too shocked to say something. “It’s my fault!” I suddenly choked out. “I killed her. It’s my fault she’s dead.” I sobbed. Immediately I felt several pair of arms wrap around me. “It’s not your fault Lex.” I heard Jack say. “It was the rain, the slippery road, not you.” I wanted to disagree, but all I seem to be able to do was cry. For the first time since I got the news I gave myself over to my emotions.

Once I’d calm down enough to speak again the questions came. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you.” “It’s why you started drinking so much, isn’t it?” “I didn’t tell you because I was convinced it was my fault she died and I didn’t want to tell you because I was afraid you guys would hate me for what I’ve done. I started drinking instead to forget.”

They looked at me with a mixture of sadness, disbelieve and complete horror on their faces. “Alex.” Jack choked out. “It’s not your fault! It’s not, you hear me! How could you every even think we’d blame you for her dead. It was an accident!” “Stop blaming yourself Alex.” Zack said and Rian nodded in a agreement. “Goddammit, you should have told us.” He mumbled.

“I just did, didn’t I.” I tried to joke. Rian sighed. “Before you almost killed yourself.” I looked down, ashamed. “I know.” I mumbled, looking at the table. “I’m sorry.” Jack suddenly jumped me. “I’m just glad you finally did. Now stop blaming yourself so you can get the hell outta here!” I laughed, thankful for having such amazing friends.

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“I told them.” I said, “About Bailey. They took it a lot better that I thought.” Dr. Sam smiled. “See, I told you they wouldn’t feel the same way about it as you. How do you feel?” “Relieved…. Like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Happy, I guess, they didn’t blame me or judge me.” “That’s very good Alex, this is a big step in your recovery. The only thing you need to do now is try to find a way to forgive yourself.” I nodded, I knew that, I just wish I knew how.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked. “Summer” I said. I somehow expected her to be surprised, but she only nodded. “That’s very good, sounds like you two finally are starting to trust each other.” I nodded slowly, thinking back at that nigh in my room. Summer had seemed, more open than usual. Was it because she’d been worried about me or was she really starting to trust me?