The Reckless and the Brave.

Summer:

Alex was crushing me against his chest, his hands brushing against my skin, slowly pulling up the slightly too short nightgown I was wearing. I smiled a little, feeling almost proud of myself I was able to do this.

Suddenly I felt one of his hands travel down my body, playing with the hem of my underwear. I froze. My breathing stopped and a massive wave of panic washed over me. Alex immediately realized something was wrong and pulled back. As soon as his hand lifted off my body I relaxed again.

Alex looked at me with an odd expression on his face. He laid back down, pulling me with him. “I told you.” He murmured softly in my ear. “I told you, you aren’t ready for this.” He lightly kissed my forehead.

I buried my face in his chest and felt a few tears slip. He was right, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t overcome this one, stupid, little obstacle. I would probably never be able to be normal. I love Alex, wanted to be with him, but how could I when I couldn’t even be intimate with him.

“Summer?” Alex mumbled, stroking my hair. “You okay?” I didn’t move, I kept my face hidden from him, breathing in his scent. “Did I hurt you?” I could feel him hold his breath. “Summer… are you okay?” I lifted my head and smiled at him.

My notebook had fallen on the floor so picking it up meant having to move, something I didn’t really want to do. I never wanted to move again to be honest. I wanted to lay like this with Alex for the rest of my life. I closed my eyes again and images of the life I wanted, but could never have, flashed in front of me. A house, kids maybe and no more clinics or controlling parents. I want that, a normal life… with Alex.

I opened my eyes again and found Alex staring at the ceiling. I tapped my pointer finger against his bottom lip. His eyes shifted to me and I immediately saw something was wrong. He scooped my notebook and pen off the floor and handed them to me. He sat up, forcing me off his body.

Alex stood up and opened the door, clenching his fist, looking like he was going to punch something… I slowly inched towards him. “You should leave.” He said, his voice breaking a little at the end of the sentence.

I placed a hand on his arm, giving him a questioning look. “Summer please, leave, I… I can’t deal with this right now.” Deal with what? What do you mean? “Look I can’t pretend I don’t have feeling for you. I know that this was just a experiment to you, and I’m sorry it failed, but I can’t have you staying here all night while I have to sit around, pretending I’m not in love with you.” What are you talking about? You think that’s the only reason I wanted to try this!? Alex, I love you! I want to be with you! I nearly throw the notebook at him.

Alex whole body seemed to relax. “Y-you do?” I nodded, now more than ever wishing I could say those words out loud. He crushed my body against his, capturing my lips in a loving kiss.

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A little while later we were sitting on the bed, Alex with his back against the headboard and me between his legs, so he could read the notebook over my shoulder.

“Tell me about your brother.” He murmured, pecking my shoulder. My brother’s name was Jeremy. He always dreamed of becoming a rock star. Wanting to get out of our parents house, no more rules, no more restrictions, just him and his friends, playing music. One day after school I found him passed out in his room, I couldn’t wake him up so I called an ambulance. They took him to the hospital and I turned out he nearly overdosed. That’s how my parents and I found out he was using.

They fought even more and Jer moved out, moved in with a friend. What we didn’t know was that because of his drug use he’d borrowed a lot of money from some guys at school. When they realized Jeremy couldn’t pay them back they went after me as a warning… and.. well….

Alex placed a kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay. You don’t have to continue.” You’re biggest wish? Alex chuckled. “Besides getting out of this place? Mary you. Have a life with you. Grow old with you. If you'll have me of course.” Always. “What’s yours?” I want be able to tell you actually tell you ‘I love you’ one day. Not just on paper, but in words, real words.

Alex thought about his next question for a little while. “Do they know? Why you can’t speak?” I nodded again. They say it’s a mental blockage or something. The way they explained it to me was that when… it happened I shut everything down. Like it’s part of my ‘defense system’ or something. Basically if I stop being so afraid of people I’ll be able to speak to them again.

“You’ll get there. I’m convinced that one day you’ll be able to tell me everything you want.” Alex said, wrapping is arms around my waist. I looked at the alarm on his nightstand, almost 3 a.m.. I sighed. I should go back to my own room or they’ll notice I’m gone. “Please stay, 5 minutes, that’s all I ask.” I leaned back against his chest, wondering how I could every refused this man.
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The next day I was waiting for Alex common room as usual. A few minutes after I arrived he showed up, immediately pulling me closer for a kiss. “Morning.” He said and I pecked his cheek in response.

“We really should be careful.” Alex said, kissing me, “with all this PDA”, another kiss, “if we get caught”, and another one, “we’ll be in so much trouble…”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him know I didn’t care, as long as I could be with him.

We spend the rest of the day like that, ‘talking’, making music, occasionally stealing a kiss. Alex, do you ever think about the future? “The future? Yeah, sure, one with less rehab and more you preferably.” He smiled. “Why you asking?” It’s just… where exactly do I fit into your future? I mean… you’re in a band, you travel around the world most time of the year. It’s not exactly a responsible lifestyle. I wrote quickly, trying not to look at Alex. “Summer, what are you trying to say?” Alex asked carefully. I’m trying to say there is no room for me in your future! I’m…. a burden!

Alex took my notebook from me and placed it on the table in front of us. He gently cupped my face in his hands. “You are not a burden. Not to me, not to anyone. I love you, never for a single second doubt that okay? No matter how bad things seem, I love you, don’t you ever forget that.” He spoke calmly, but with determination in his voice. He places a gentle kiss in my forehead.

I wrapped my arms around him. ‘I love you too.’ I mouthed, wishing now more than ever I could say those world out loud.

Alex kissed me again and smiled. “How about we just stop thinking about the future and just focus on the here and now? Just you and me, okay? Here and now.” I nodded in agreement, letting him now I liked ‘here and now’, deciding the future was something too far away to worry about right now.