The Reckless and the Brave.

The first month passed rather quickly, but despite that it were the worse few weeks of my life. My mind and body were reacting strongly to the sudden lack of alcohol and I was feeling exhausted and completely on edge. I spend a lot of time with Mandy in the music room, listening and watching her play the piano while we talked. Mandy’s presence helped me to keep me distracted from the screaming urge inside of me, but when she wasn’t around it felt as if I was slowly losing my mind.

Today was Sunday, which meant I had been in here for exactly a month and a day now. I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Mandy was outside in the garden with her sister who’d come to visit her. She’d offered me to join them, but I could see she wanted to spent some time alone with her sister.

So here I was, alone in my room, humming a song to keep myself busy. Suddenly there was knock on the door and Cindy peeked in. “Alex?” I sat up. “Yeah?” “You have visitors.” She smiled and opened the door all the way. There, right behind here, were Jack, Rian and Zack. “Alex!” They ran towards me and tackled my in a group hug. My bad mood vanished within seconds. Cindy giggled. “I figured it was good for you to see your friends again.” She said and left.

Seeing the room was too small for the four of us we headed to the music room instead. “So Alex, how you holding up?” Rian asked. I shrugged. “Okay I guess. I just really wanna get outta here… or have a drink. The fact I can’t have either of those is driving me nuts.” I saw the concerned look on their faces and continued. “Guys, I just need some time okay. I’ve only been here a month, don’t expect any miracles.” “We know that.” Jack said. “But we just miss you… a lot.” “I miss you guys too.” I said. “It’s lonely here sometimes, especially when you’re used to sharing a fucking tourbus with a bunch of people.” I chuckled. “Lot more privacy here though.” I joked.

“So how is life outside these four walls?” I asked. “It´s okay. Kinda boring actually.” Jack shrugged. I suddenly realized how boring this must be for them. They were so used to touring, being on the road, playing shows, but with me stuck in here for 4 months they couldn’t do that. That part of their lives was on hold for the next 4 months and it was my fault. “I’m sorry.” I said. “About all this.” “It’s okay Lex, don’t worry about it. We all just really want you to be okay again, no matter how long it takes. Just know that the second you walk out of here we’re touring again.” Jack joked.

I opened my mouth to say something when the door opened. “Hey Alex…” Mandy came walking in. “Oh you have visitors.” She stopped walking when she saw my band mates sitting next to me. “I’ll come back later then.” And she disappeared just as quickly as she’d came.

“Who is that?” Jack demanded the second the door shut behind her. “That’s Mandy, a friend.” I said. Jack laughed. “Leave it to you to find a hook up in rehab.” “It’s not like that.” I said. “She’s a nice girl and it’s nice having someone to talk to in here. We’re friends, that’s it. Besides she’s not really my type.” I didn’t really want to talk about Mandy with them right now she I quickly changed the subject.

“So how about the story?” I asked. “Story?” “Yeah the ‘official’ reason we canceled our tour and I suddenly vanished of the face of the earth.” “Oh most people are buying it.” Rian answered. “There are still a lot of rumors, but nobody can prove anything, so you’re good.”

The guys stayed till the very last second of visiting hours. Cindy actually had to come get them and basically drag them outside. When she came back she told me I had ‘very loyal friends’. After that she walked off mumbling to herself, she didn’t sound too happy about it.

I stayed in the music room a little longer. One month, only one month and I was already going insane in this place. Of course I was happy the guys came to visit, but at the same time it made me realize how much I screwed up. Funny thing is I really needed a drink right now, even though that was the reason I was here in the first place.

I grabbed the half empty water bottle Rian left and threw it across the room. It bounced off and hit one of the guitars, causing it to fall over. The result was a lot of noise that possibly could get me into trouble, but right now I didn’t care.

I was vaguely aware of someone entering the room behind me. They didn’t say anything as I sank down on my knees and buried my face in my hands. I heard the person clean up the mess I’d made, but didn’t bother to look up. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off and quickly jumped up. “Alex? Are you okay?” Mandy’s soft voice broke the deafening silence in the room.

“Okay?” I snapped. “You’re actually asking me if I’m fucking okay!?” I clenched and unclenched my fists, fighting the urge to punch something. “I’m fucking stuck in this goddamn place for the next few months and you’re asking me if I’m OKAY!?” Mandy took a step back, shaking a little. She looked terrified. But I was no longer in control of my emotions. “What the fuck do you think!?” I screamed and punched the wall next to me.

Then, just as sudden as it had come, my bad mood was gone and I slummed down in one of the chairs. Mandy hesitantly took a few steps closer. When I didn’t respond she kneeled down in front of me. “Alex?” She asked softly, but the only thing I could do was lift my head just enough to look her in the eye. “Come on.” She said, taking my hand, trying to get me to stand. “We need to go. If the find you here like this you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble.” She mumbled as she pulled me towards the door. “Alex come on! You still wanna see your friends again right?” My head snapped up at the mention of the guys. “Ah good, you’re still with me. Let’s go.” She took my head and lead me back to my room. Once inside she closed the door.

Mandy didn’t comment on my earlier behavior. It had happened once or twice before. she told me not to worry about it, according the her it was part of the process. Instead she warned me. “You should be a little more careful Alex. If Cindy or one of the other nurses had heard you you’d probably wouldn’t have been allowed to have visitors for a while. They’ll think seeing your friends might be too much for you to handle right now. You don’t want that to happen right?” The last part almost sounded like a plea.

I shrugged. “Why do you care?” I huffed, not really mad anymore, just a little upset with myself for losing control like that, again. “Because you’re my friend Alex. I care about you. When I walked into the music room earlier I could see how happy it made you to be with your friends again.” I looked at Mandy, really looked at her for the first time since she entered the room. How could I not have noticed her eyes before? They looked red and puffy, like she’d been crying.

“Mandy?” I asked softly. “Have you been crying?” Her eyes flashed to mine for a second, looking shocked, before looking down, almost like she was embarrassed. “What? No, of course not. Don’t be silly.” She tried to laugh it off, but I could see something was really bothering her. “Amanda talk to me, what’s going on?”

And that seemed to be enough to break her. Silent tears streamed down her face and I pulled her into a hug, crushing her against my chest. “Mandy, what’s going on.” “M-my sister.” She sobbed. We stood there like that for a couple of minutes. Once her tears stopped falling we sat down on the bed. “Mandy what’s going on?” I asked softly, stroking her hair. She took a deep breath to calm herself. “There’s something I haven’t told you Alex.” She said. “This isn’t the first time in rehab…. It’s my fourth time to be exact…” She looked up at me. “I’m not going to judge you Mandy.” I told her. “Just tell me what’s wrong.” She smiled weakly at me. “Thank you Alex.”

She wiped away the last of her tears. “Like I said, this isn’t the first time I’m trying to get clean. My first time was when I was 18, my parents had found out about my ‘little problem’ and put me in rehab for 4 months. When I got out I stopped using for a while, a least long enough to graduate high school, but after that I started again. About two and a half years ago I made another attempt to stop, because… because I got pregnant.” She stopped talking waiting for my reactions. “Pregnant?” I had to admit I was a little surprised. “So… you have a kid?” She smiled a little. “Yep, a perfectly healthy baby boy, his name is Benjamin.” Her smile faltered. “But at that time I wasn’t strong enough to fight my addictions and when Ben was one year old I had to go back here again. I recovered, somewhat, of course, but apparently not enough cause here I am again.”

“So where is Ben now?” I asked. “He lives with my sister and her fiancée. My parents threatened to take me to court unless I agreed to live by their rules. Meaning I had to either live with them or my sister and get completely clean.” She started crying again. “I’m sorry.” She said, quickly wiping away her tears. “It’s okay.” I said. “But what happened that got you so upset?” “M-my sister, she came to visit me today because she had some news. She got a job offer in London. LONDON Alex! She’s taking my little boy to London! She told me it was better for everyone and that she would try to get full custody if I tried to stop her. She’s taking my baby away from me and there’s nothing I can do.” She cried.

“Mandy, please, don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. I’ll promise. I’m gonna do everything I can to help you.” I said truthfully. “HOW!?” She sobbed. “They’re leaving in 6 months. The only way I can get him back is if I stay clean, find a job and a reliable boyfriend. That’s impossible Alex. ” “It’s not Mandy, we’ll figure something out.” She looked up at me with a surprised look on her face. “We? Really?” She sounded so hopeful, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Of course silly. We’re friends right?” I said smiling. “Thank you.” She smiled back. “But just to get things straight, that’s all we are right? Just friends.” I nodded. “Yeah, no offence, but you’re not really my type.” Mandy laughed loudly. “Good! Cause you’re not exactly my type either.”

She hugged me. “Thank you Alex.” “It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.” I said. Mandy looked up at me through her eyelashes. “You too you know, you’re gonna be okay too.” I didn’t know how to respond to that, because I sure as hell wasn’t going to be okay anytime soon.