I'm Gone


"God, Kenzie! You're blowing this out of proportion! I told you I couldn't do anything about it! I had to work late, and I'm sorry! How many times to I have to fucking say it? I'm sorry!" Adam yelled, his sky-colored eyes ice cold as he looked at me.

I bit my lip and blinked back tears, trying my best to hold it together. The apartment we shared suddenly seemed so tiny and suffocating as the kitchen walls closed in on us. This fight was giving me a feeling of deja vu; in fact, it practically mirrored every single argument between us over the past three months. With every word that came out of his mouth, he seemed to slip farther away from the man I fell in love with. My head was a mess of sadness and resentment, and I couldn't even look at him.

"It's not just that," I said quietly, choosing to look down at my bare feet and the yellowing tile floor. "This isn't about an apology. You promised you'd be at the party, and work came up, I get it. But that doesn't change the fact that work made you miss dinner last week, or that visit to my parents' house the week before, or our fucking anniversary last month, and so many other things that I stopped counting. I feel like I don't even see you anymore."

I saw his fists clench and unclench in my peripheral, and I knew his jaw was doing the same. I could just picture his shaggy wheat-blond hair falling into his eyes as he looked at his shiny black shoes, ashamed and a little enraged because I was right, and nothing he said could change that. This wasn't nearly over yet; it never was with us. No, this was just the beginning.

"I know," he whispered. "I'm-"

"Sorry?" I interrupted, looking up at him and cocking an eyebrow to challenge him.

His eyes locked onto mine, and I could feel both of our anger bubbling. I was provoking him, I know, but I was just so sick of hearing empty apologies and meaningless promises. I was done being quiet, polite, and forgiving. Yeah, maybe a part of me wanted this fight, but I knew a part of him did, too.

"You know, my work puts food on this table and pays the bills!" he fumed slamming his hand onto the oak table, and I ran a hand through my unruly chocolate curls. I could feel my fingers start to shake as the blood rushed to my cheeks.

"Oh, of course! Because it's not like I work my ass of at my store!" I retorted bitterly. "I forgot, if not for you and your fancy corporate job, I'd be living on the streets starving! God you're so pretentious and self-absorbed sometimes! You aren't the only one in this relationship with a job or an income! I made it just fine on my own before you, and if I wanted to, I could do it again!"

His humorless laugh echoed off of the walls, and I narrowed my eyes at him. An ironic smile curled onto his thin lips and settled there as he raised his eyebrows at me. I crossed my arms and dug my nails into my palms to prevent myself from slapping that grin right off his face.

"You're always saying that, Mackenzie! You swear you'll be gone, but you're always back in bed, next to me, by the morning! So just keep talking and throwing around your empty threats, but we both know you aren't going anywhere!"

"Don't test me," I hissed, my voice dangerously low.

"What are you going to do about it?" he challenged.

I rolled my eyes and brushed right past him on my way to the door, but not before catching his eye in one last loathing glare. I needed some air and the hell away from Adam to clear my head. As I slipped my flats on and slammed the door behind me, I could feel the tears coming fast. The hallway of the apartment complex was quiet, and I knew he wasn't following me.

I reached the elevator and punched the button a little harder than necessary. With the edge of my sleeve I wiped at my eyes, the charcoal smudges from my makeup staining the soft green fabric. It was the farthest thing from my mind, though.

A certain numbness was starting to course through my body, but not nearly fast enough. I could still feel the ache of my throat constricting as it tried to stop the sobs from escaping my lips, and my head hurt from the tears clouding my vision. I hated myself for starting the fight, just like I hated that he didn't even try to stop me from leaving.

The elevator doors opened with a ding, and I slipped in as soon as the dull silver doors allowed. It was empty, which was probably best since I was a wreck. Half of me considered just sitting in the elevator until I felt calm enough to go back to the apartment and face Adam. The other half of me reasoned it wouldn't be very comfortable, and I really didn't need the neighbors staring at me as they made their own way home.

God I was pathetic.

I pushed down the button for the lobby and stared at my reflection in the metal. Even though I knew it was distorted, it was not a pretty sight. I was almost past a point of caring though. As I waited alone to reach the ground floor, I was hyper aware of how many times I had found myself in this situation lately, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out when or how things got so bad.

When I met Adam Delavin two years ago, he was so sweet and charming, and I fell for him the moment his eyes met mine, as cheesy and cliche as that sounds. Back then, I was just 23 and starting up my clothing store, and he was just a year older than me and an intern at Fallons Inc. We barely had money for movie dates and ended up eating at a sticky, corner booth in McDonald's more often than not, but god, we were happy. Then, he got promoted once, then twice, and then again, and my store picked up popularity; suddenly, we never saw each other anymore.

I felt like a zombie as I moved through the lobby and out into the open city streets. Cars buzzed around me, horns and sirens screeched in the distance, and I was grateful for the murderous quiet to disintegrate. Most people hated the noise and bustle of big cities, but I thrived on it; it gave me the ability to break up my constant thoughts.

I wove through the labyrinth of streets and alleys mindlessly, unable to fully focus with Adam's hurt face filling my mind. He couldn't control work; I knew that, but sometimes it felt like he didn't even try. If this 'rough patch' had taught me anything, it was that one-sided relationships really sucked. I was tired of feeling like the only one making an effort. I could only do so much.

But that didn't give me the right to pick fights. I was just using my built up resentment to take a stab at him, and that wasn't fair or very mature quite frankly. He deserved a chance to explain and have my honest answers and opinions. I should have told him that it bothered me right away, instead of insisting I was fine. Holding grudges was just so stupid, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why I insisted on doing it.

I blew my bangs out of my face and stopped, trying to gauge how long and far I had walked. From my count, it was only a few blocks. It had only been a half hour, tops. Maybe I was doing exactly what he said I always did, but he was more important than my pride. In the end, he always was.

I turned on my heel and started back towards the apartment to work things out. Even if he didn't want to see me or work things out, I needed to apologized and explain myself. I owed him that much, didn't I?

I could see the revolving doors to our building soon enough, and let out a sigh, partly from relief and partly from anxiety. God only knew if Adam even wanted to talk to me, let alone see me, and that scared the hell out of me. However, I wasn't ready to give up on us, not yet. I glanced for traffic as I took the first step onto the asphalt.

The weird thing is, I never saw it coming until it was there, practically on top of me.

I heard the tires squealing and smelt the rubber against concrete before it even occurred to me the shiny black car was there, hurtling at me in the middle of the street. It didn't even feel real as the bumper rammed into my legs, knocking me on top of the hood with a clunk. There was screaming from the driver, pedestrians walking by, and maybe some of it was my own, I wasn't sure.

The car screeched to a halt and just as fast as it had hit me, it was done. I closed my eyes as I realized my momentum didn't stop with the car. I slid from the hood to the warm pavement, and my arm and head bounced. A sickening crack accompanied it, but for the most part it didn't hurt. I didn't feel much of anything except exhausted and warm.

I could hear people yelling and the driver getting out of the car. My eyes fluttered open, and from what little I could see, which was all tinged with crimson, I noticed people crowding and hovering over me. I furrowed my eyebrows when I saw their concern, but never got to ask if they were alright. My thoughts were cut off by a hysterical, familiar voice.

"Mackenzie! Let me through, she's my girlfriend! Kenzie, oh god," Adam wept, his shaggy hair and horror-struck cyan eyes suddenly filling my view as he materialized by my side. "I was waiting for you in the lobby 'cause I realized I was an ass to you, and then I heard the accident, and... and..."

"I'm sorry, Adam," I murmured, struggling to reach up and grab his hand. Tears spilled from his pallid cheeks and dripped on to my forehead, but it didn't even phase me.

"Why are you sorry, baby? I'm the one who should be sorry. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry," he said shakily, bringing my hand to his lips and showering it with kisses.

The sirens which I had always regarded as background noise were suddenly getting louder and louder. I realized that out of the hundreds of thousands of people in the city, I was the one they were coming for this time. It was a scary thought in my muddled mind.

"It's okay. I should have told you the first time that it bothered me. I was being petty, and I'm sorry," I said, my words sounding slurred even to my own ears. "You were right though, I was coming back."

"Kenzie, stay with me," he demanded as I could feel my eyelids drooping closed again. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep for awhile. "You can't do this, just leave me!"

I smiled up at him and stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, but damn it was hard to do even that. The dull hurt was starting to settle over my whole body, and my vision was blurring even more.

"I guess my threat wasn't so empty this time, huh?" I mumbled. I could feel my eyes welling with tears again. "I'm really sorry, Adam. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"No, don't be sorry. You don't have to leave. You can keep fighting, the medics are almost here. Don't give up," he whispered frantically, holding me tighter to him and covering my face in butterfly kisses. "I don't want you to make good on your threats. I love having you around to drive me insane."

"I love you," I struggled to force out as my eyes shut and the darkness ebbed over me. I gave him one last grin as my eyelids shut out his beautiful, tortured face.

"I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I love you Kenzie," Adam choked out with a sob. I didn't hear anything else as I slipped away, just his voice and my own thoughts. "Don't go."

I'm so sorry, I willed myself to say, but nothing came out.

I was gone.