Love Me Tender

I stood by the fire, holding my drink and thinking. Thinking about how my best friend since kindergarten was to take an early flight to Dallas. About to start his long career in the NHL, we were having a going away bonfire at a local ‘beach’. I wasn’t afraid to admit that I was scared shitless. He was leaving me here at Duluth, hell, he was leaving all his friends behind. The thought killed me. I was holding back the tears when I felt a hand gingerly touch my elbow.
“Hey squirt.” his soothing voice greeted me. I took in a breath, trying to calm down my heartbeat.
I tried to make my voice steady long enough to answer him. I plastered a smile on my face, “Hey Matt”
“What’s wrong?” He said almost immediately. Damn him, he knew me too well. I tried playing the dumb card.
“Nothing, I’m fine. Why?” he grabbed me and forced me to face him fully. Our eyes locked and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. It was intense.
“Raychel…” He started, but I quickly waved him off with my hand.
“I’m fine Matt, honest.” I faked a smile once again, hoping to be more convincing. I knew instantly that he wasn’t buying it. He gripped both of my arms, pinning me in place. I didn’t want to face the truth. I didn’t want him to see me weak. I owed him that our last night together, I wanted him to remember me fondly, as his best friend, not the selfish girl who didn’t want him to leave her side.
“Raychel. Look at me.” He said sternly, sending an unwanted chill up my spine. I looked up at him, his eyes intensified by the firelight. He started to trace circles on my arm, soothing me. “Now, what’s really on your mind?” he continued.
“I don’t think you’ll like it.” I muttered.
“Try me.” he said without hesitation, irritation threatening his voice.
I bit my lip, “I just-I just don’t want you to leave. I’m scared Matt, I’m really really scared.” my voice started to crack so I stopped talking and broke away from his grasp, the tears threatened to escape my eyes.
Most of the people were gone, they already bid him his farewells, leaving us practically alone by the fire. My iPod was still plugged in to the big dock we used as a makeshift DJ. ‘Lover Me Tender’ by Elvis started playing, I quickly went to change it, thinking that this song was not appropriate given the current atmosphere, but Matt grabbed my hand, and pulled me into him. We started to dance by the fire, he was pulling me closer and closer with every move. We swayed to the music, I wished that this moment could last longer then it did. I think we both knew that this was dangerous.
As if reading my mind, Matt finally broke our silence, “You were right” he mumbled, barely audible.
“What?”
“I didn’t like that, what you said.”
“…Oh.” I simply replied, in a semi-state of shock.
“I didn’t like that fact that you waited so fucking long to tell me that.” His tone turned deadly serious. I swallowed, unsure of what to say. Matt continued, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Ray, I could have-”
“Could have what, Matt?” I spat at him. “Drop everything you worked for to stay here with me? No, I’m sorry but I wouldn’t hav-”
I was cut off by a pair of lips on mine. More specifically Matt’s lips. I was a bit too shocked to kiss back right away, but I wasn’t going to let something that I’ve wanted for so long slip away that easily. I kissed back and I didn’t want it to end. After a few too short moments, we broke apart but were still closer than we probably should have been. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to read his face, he looked scared and worried. I shook my head in pleasant surprise.
“What was that?” I asked, still a little breathless. A goofy grin spread across his features.
“It was the only way for you to stop rambling.” he replied childishly. I hit him across the chest, “and,” he continued, the serious tone back in his voice, “I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” I felt my face get hot, and it wasn’t from the fire that was near dead.
Matt pushed some of my hair behind my ear, we were still as close as we were when we broke from the kiss, neither one of us wanted to move. I looked at the ground, a wave of sadness suddenly hitting me. We could confess to all of our dirty little secrets all night long, but it still didn’t change the fact that he was leaving in a few hours. If anything, it left my heart wrenched even more.
“Come with me.” He blurted out suddenly.
“What?” I asked in disbelief. That thought has crossed my mind more than enough times these past three months, I wanted to be with him more than anything. I wanted to be his support right there every step of the way, but I wasn’t ready to leave here.
“Matt, I-I can’t.” I said sheepishly. The hope in his eyes left.
“Why.” he said, his voice was so small. I closed my eyes.
“Because, I can’t leave UM-D, not yet. I still need to work towards my dream. I can’t just drop everything and go with you,” I cupped his cheek, “no matter how much I want to.” I gently kissed him again, taking a shaky breathe, our foreheads collided.
“Raychel…I-I love you.” he said. My breath was gone and it felt as if my throat closed up. I have wanted that sentence to fall from his lips since we were 15, and now I wish they never did. I can’t say it back, it would make everything so much harder. I wanted to just rip of the band-aid, to just make it a clean break and he would be on his way to Dallas, and I could just be a happy memory in his mind.
But I guess he had other plans.
I looked at him, his eyes too intense to stare into for more then three or four seconds at a time.
“Matt…” I trailed. Could I pull off what I was about to say, knowing that it was going to be complete and utter bullshit?
‘Here goes nothing’ I thought.
“I’m flattered but-”
“Oh do not give me that!” he growled, his voice venomous. I cringed. “Please do not tell me that you don’t feel the same way, because I think you do…” He started to second guess himself-I could hear it in his voice. What was left of my heart was now shattered and I couldn’t look in his direction at all.
“Matt…I’m sorry. I can’t say the same right now.” I wasn’t lying. I couldn’t say it back, not now, even if this was the last time I would be seeing him for God only knows how long. It was a pathetic attempt but I just couldn’t get the words right. He sharply backed away from me, I took a step back myself. I wanted to run away from here as fast as possible. I cleared my throat, “Matt…” I waited for him to respond. Nothing. I shook my head in acceptance, “Okay. Well I’m obviously not welcome here. Just…just good luck in Dallas. Knock ‘em dead.” He looked at me quickly, unsure of what to do, I saw the hurt in his features. I killed me. I wiped around so he couldn’t see the tears rolling down my face.
“Goodbye Rachel.” I heard him mumble as I walked towards my car. I drove away as fast as I could, my future seemingly not as bright as maybe I originally thought.