You Could Save Me

Hello, my name is Noah, I'm a homosexual male, aged seventeen, with a whole lot of heart and a crooked smile. Just like any other teenager I want to explore the world, discover my true self and fall hopelessly in love during the whole process. Well, as many of you will have figured by now, shall I add through the hard way, that it's not that simple. Then again, when is anything simple? You can't explore the world because you're stuck in a mind-numbing education wondering if the decisions you make now are going to ruin the rest of your life. You're constantly questioning who you are, making self-judgments, trying to be this somebody, when really deep down you know exactly who you are but you're too afraid to admit it. Finally, falling in love, well more like facing a whole lot of pain, hurt and tear stained cheeks in the hope that prince charming will change, be the so called one you've always naively dreamed of.

Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I've seen the bigger picture, I've seen what has been missing this whole time. Instead of making plans, putting yourself on a path that's destined for a normal, but reassuringly secure life and settling for anybody, just live. Take each day as it comes and appreciate the ups and downs life has deviously set out for you. Yes, I have dreams and like any other teenage boy I want a beautiful guy to cherish me, cuddle me, stand out of my window singing in the pouring freaking rain because I'm human, but maybe that's too much to ask for, maybe that's destined for movies, books and all other forms of escapism from reality.

On the 16th May 2012 at precisely 2:30 I was given a death sentence, or shall I say my life expectancy. With luck I should make it to my 18th birthday. You're probably uncomfortable now, aren't you? Here I am rambling about life and all it has to offer, when it's opportunities are going to be completely wasted on me, or should I say have limited impact on my fragile existence? Oh here I go being all poetic and broken, I offer my sincerest apologies. Sure I'll have experiences, but they'll never become memories, I'll be gone before I even get the chance to play them over in my head. I understand this may be difficult to comprehend, but I'm happy, I'm not letting this time-bomb ticking away inside of me ruin the little time I have left. After all, maybe this is what we all really need. We're ignorant, thinking we will live forever, taking every single day for advantage. But you see, living becomes much more exciting when it's plagued by the end.

-x-

The streets of London are dark and mysterious as I casually walk to my favorite Tea Shop, it's quite late, the usual hustle and bustle of the day has fizzled out as I step into my location. The door makes a comforting tingle as I scan my eyes around the small, yet homely room. It's quiet, the odd person cradling a hot beverage and snuggling into their winter coat as they make idle small talk. A smile stretches across my face as I approach the counter, I really love it here, it's so quaint and inviting. It's also convenient when you feel like hiding away from sympathetic relatives, doctors appointments and daily medication. Basically, when I come here I feel like I've been transported into a whole new world. It's bright and shiny, it's hosts all of your hopes and dreams and you're not dying.. I scan the menu board quickly, not intending on ordering anything but my usual. I causally tuck my hands into my pockets, listening to the soft hum of the coffee machine as a member of staff comes to my attention.

"Good evening. What can I get for you, sir?"

Wait a minute, something is not right. Firstly, sir? I'm seventeen! I know I'm dying, but surely I don't look dead and decrepit already, do I? Secondly, wow. Okay I have not seen this guy before, I mean I come here almost every night and he's never made an appearance. My stomach churns, I don't know whether it's from the medication or the feelings that have suddenly come crashing through my abdomen. I flush, my cheeks darkening as I gaze intently at the list of drinks behind him. I'm stalling, it's not like I'm holding up a queue and I need to compose myself.

"Tea, please." I almost whisper, fuck. He raises an eyebrow and I turn scarlet. This isn't fair, this is almost unbearable. I stare intently at his features, his hair is an uncontrollable explosion of brown curls, he cock's his head to one side and they bounce automatically. Christ. A pair of comforting eyes meet mine, green to blue, I swallow almost feeling queasy. He has chiseled cheekbones and a strong, masculine jaw-line. His lips press into a warming smile as we continue to stare at each other.

"Milk?" He asks, a tint of humor glimmering in those emerald eyes. I nod, clearly embarrassed, as he turns his back to me to make my drink.

Don't stare at his ass, don't stare, don't..

Whilst his back is turned I frantically start to mess with my hair, it has not been brushed, still stuck in various angles from the party I attended last night. I'm wearing faded black jeans and a v-neck top, causally paired with my trusty converse and denim jacket. I look unkempt, a rockstar wannabe trying to pulls girls with arrogance and sleazy chatup lines. Shit, shit, shit. He turns around, those intriguing eyes of his scanning over me like I'm a piece of meat. Something dark twists in my stomach, the more I try to ignore it the harder it tugs. You're dying Noah, don't get any ideas.

"Is that all?" He smiles and I practically turn into a pile of mush onto he worn, old-fashioned floorboards.

"Yes," I reply, returning his nervous smile. He's about to speak but curiosity deceives me and I find myself speaking my thoughts.

"So, I haven't seen your around before. Are you new?" I question softly, I don't want to sound nosy or on the other hand, like a stalker. He laughs to himself before walking around the counter to me. Oh crap, is this when he throws me out?

"I'm Caleb, I've recent just got a job here because I've finished College and I want to earn some money before I go to University. Yourself?" Caleb explains, he keeps running his hands through his hair, perhaps he's nervous? Who knows.

I think about what he just said, College, University, a future.. The knot in my stomach grows tighter as I try and brush away the thoughts of death and the education I threw away as it seemed rather pointless. My friends would gush about the wonders of Shakespeare in English Literature and the crazed, yet completely genius theories of Freud in Psychology, whilst I eagerly listened, wishing I was there to learn all of that with them too.

"Hi, um. I'm Noah, just like to add not named after the Ark." I stop to laugh at myself, blushing instantly as Caleb stares at me with those God damn eyes. "I'm taking some time out right now, you know, exploring the world and whatnot." Jesus Noah, could you sound anymore pathetic? Exploring the world? What the hell does that even mean? You see finishing my little introduction with, oh and I'm dying, would have been somewhat awkward and I'm pretty sure this would be the last of Caleb.

"Oh that's cool. I'm going to medical school, I kinda have this thing about saving people.." He suddenly seems shy as he brushes speckles of coffee power off of his dark green apron. Caleb continues to rub his hand up and down his thigh as an unwanted sensation erupts in my groin. Jesus Christ, now is not the freaking time! He looks up at me, embarrassed, as I struggle to close my mouth and regain composure.

You could save me.

"That's wonderful! Wow Caleb, good for you." I gush, I can't stand looking at him any longer, I feel the tears prick my eyes and I know that's he's completely clueless to my situation. Maybe I should tell him now that he can't save everybody, that sometimes life plays cruel tricks on you and you're completely defenseless. But he looks so naive, so ambitious and determined; he'll make a wonderful doctor some day.

I know that I'm going to die and it's only a matter of time, that's why I can't let it affect me, I'm already broken, being afraid would only rip me apart. But Caleb is like a breath of fresh air, he's so homely and down to earth, I want to fold into his lap and cry. I want to cry to him about how I'm not allowed to have feelings and how I'm not allowed to like him because in a few months I'll be gone and it would be too unbearable for the both of us. I am strong, but it only takes moments like this to make me feel fragile, vulnerable.

"Hey Noah, when you're not building an ark, would you like to meet up some time?" Caleb grins, my heart starts to ache he's so charming and adorable, I already feel like I'm going to collapse and I only met him what, 5 minutes ago? I consider the possibilities, maybe Caleb would never have to know? I need more than my mum kissing my head and telling me everything is going to be alright, I need more than my friends constantly hugging me and sending me 'be strong' texts. Maybe Caleb could bring me happiness, after all, isn't that all we have ever wanted?

"That sounds great Caleb, who knows maybe I'll show you my ark."

A smile floods across his face and I just know that this could be the start of something truly special.