You Could Save Me
Feel Like a Firework
Right at this moment I feel like a firework, I've shot into the sky, exploded into a collision of colours and then slowly shriveled into nothing. Meeting Caleb was the build up, seeing him lit me up from the inside which was reflected in numerous shy smiles and blushed cheeks. Then our eyes met and I was ready to combust, overwhelming feels shot through me, reaching the very ends of my fingertips and toes. First there was the excitement, desire, adolescent feelings fueling my already healthy circulation of testosterone. But reality is the biggest dream killer, then comes the guilt, hurt, frustration. Feelings juxtaposed, head verses heart, indecision. Caleb sent me soaring through the sky and now reality has set in as I pummel to the ground completely burnt out.
I'm laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling hoping that answers will appear out of somewhere. I'm idly tracing the numbers inked onto the back of my hand, sighing gently as I weigh up whether to text Caleb. I shuffle uncomfortably as I turn onto my side staring at the blunt bottle of pills on my bedside cabinet. Childishly I wrap my arms around myself, a form of self-comfort and I stumble into the stage of feeling sorry for myself. The numbers on my hand seem to wiggle and blend into a catastrophe of blank ink as it burns into my skin. I consider scrubbing at my hand until the numbers fade along with the opportunity to be hypnotized by those emerald green eyes again. I frown, torn between my options as the dancing mobile number glares at me with eager anticipation. Meeting up once can't hurt, right? I mean we only just met, maybe I'll be gone before anything serious happens, before I hurt him..
Stop Noah, don't be so selfish. Your illness is going to kill you, don't let it take Caleb.
I keep playing this moment over in my head, Caleb smiling shyly as he fumbles in his apron pocket to find a pen. He takes my hand gently and I swallow hard, trying my hardest to stop every part of my being from shaking. The pen glides effortlessly over my skin as he beams at me, so naive, so beautiful. I gush, my hand tingling from his contact as he stops to stare at his handiwork. Our eyes meet again and I suddenly feel exposed. I'd love to know what he is thinking, everything seems to be happening so fast, I'm tumbling into the unexpected and it's far too late to turn back.
I groan, it's 8:30 and I'm surprisingly tired, maybe I could text him and then go to sleep. Apprehensively I reach for my phone, I feel bad, any minute now and I'm going to be asked to sit on the naughty step and ponder on my inappropriate behavior. My heart rate speeds up, rebelling against my ribcage as it pounds with anticipation. I take a deep breath, knowing this is completely wrong, but I fight against my conscience.
Hi Caleb, it's Noah. Just wondering if you want to meet up tomorrow? N x
I quickly press send before slamming the phone down onto the cabinet. My stomach churns, I think I'm going to vomit as I sprawl across the bed, my chest rising and falling rapidly. Innocently I crawl underneath the covers, pulling the sheet right up to my chin and snuggling into the mattress. I press my eyes shut, trying to block out the conflicting thoughts plaguing my brain as I switch off my lamp. The bedroom is plummeted into darkness, the only sound my frantic breathing as I struggle to drag myself into normality.
You're playing with fire Noah, be careful not to burst into flames..
-x-
I wake up suddenly, a dull ache settles in my skull as I roll onto my back squinting as the sunlight filters through the curtains. Sleepily, I glance at my alarm clock, it's 9.00am, I groan, I suppose I better get up then. Sleeping came as a difficulty last night, thoughts clouded my brain as I tossed and turned completely overwhelmed with indecsion.I take a deep breath, sitting up I stretch casually as I shuffle out of the comfort of my bed. I notice my mobile silently cursing me on my bedside cabinet. Shit. The text. I scramble to retrieve the phone, my heart pounding as five bold letters glare at me, Caleb.
I open the text and quickly read over his message.
Hi Noah! I'd love to meet up, come to the Tea Shop and we can go to mine. Does 10 sound okay? Hope to see you soon! x
A ridiculous grin spreads across my face, I feel completely childish as I hug the phone against my chest and squeal in delight. I walk over to my mirror, staring hard at the glowing boy looking back at me. He's not dying, he's content, excited, opportunities are endless as he grabs for them greedily with his eager hands. Reflections can be so deceiving. I glare at the boy before me, wishing that I could drag the silly fool from the mirror and shake him senseless. He's being stupid, does he realise how much hurt he could cause? I place my hand against the cool glass and breathe heavily, I'm being so selfish..
I dress quickly, pulling on some maroon trousers and a stripy top, I go on to mess up my hair making sure it has it's 'just got out of bed' signature look. Satisfied that I'll appeal to Caleb I make my way downstairs, I'm struggling to function, it almost feels like my feet have turned into blocks of concrete, it's a pain just to put one foot in front of the other. I'm facing contradictory emotions constantly, I feel exhilarated from the thought of seeing Caleb again, yet at the same time guilt pins me down at any given opportunity, it settles on my chest, the weight of the world crushing me.
I feel too sick to eat, I skip breakfast as I grab my bag and head towards the front door. Am I really going to do this? I can just imagine Caleb now, he's excited, maybe even has a case of the dreaded butterflies as he sets off to meet me. He's thinking about possibilities, a future, maybe even love. I'm thinking about making to the end of the street without dropping dead and whether I'm going to vomit on his shoes when I meet him.
Why, oh why can't things be simple?
I'm laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling hoping that answers will appear out of somewhere. I'm idly tracing the numbers inked onto the back of my hand, sighing gently as I weigh up whether to text Caleb. I shuffle uncomfortably as I turn onto my side staring at the blunt bottle of pills on my bedside cabinet. Childishly I wrap my arms around myself, a form of self-comfort and I stumble into the stage of feeling sorry for myself. The numbers on my hand seem to wiggle and blend into a catastrophe of blank ink as it burns into my skin. I consider scrubbing at my hand until the numbers fade along with the opportunity to be hypnotized by those emerald green eyes again. I frown, torn between my options as the dancing mobile number glares at me with eager anticipation. Meeting up once can't hurt, right? I mean we only just met, maybe I'll be gone before anything serious happens, before I hurt him..
Stop Noah, don't be so selfish. Your illness is going to kill you, don't let it take Caleb.
I keep playing this moment over in my head, Caleb smiling shyly as he fumbles in his apron pocket to find a pen. He takes my hand gently and I swallow hard, trying my hardest to stop every part of my being from shaking. The pen glides effortlessly over my skin as he beams at me, so naive, so beautiful. I gush, my hand tingling from his contact as he stops to stare at his handiwork. Our eyes meet again and I suddenly feel exposed. I'd love to know what he is thinking, everything seems to be happening so fast, I'm tumbling into the unexpected and it's far too late to turn back.
I groan, it's 8:30 and I'm surprisingly tired, maybe I could text him and then go to sleep. Apprehensively I reach for my phone, I feel bad, any minute now and I'm going to be asked to sit on the naughty step and ponder on my inappropriate behavior. My heart rate speeds up, rebelling against my ribcage as it pounds with anticipation. I take a deep breath, knowing this is completely wrong, but I fight against my conscience.
Hi Caleb, it's Noah. Just wondering if you want to meet up tomorrow? N x
I quickly press send before slamming the phone down onto the cabinet. My stomach churns, I think I'm going to vomit as I sprawl across the bed, my chest rising and falling rapidly. Innocently I crawl underneath the covers, pulling the sheet right up to my chin and snuggling into the mattress. I press my eyes shut, trying to block out the conflicting thoughts plaguing my brain as I switch off my lamp. The bedroom is plummeted into darkness, the only sound my frantic breathing as I struggle to drag myself into normality.
You're playing with fire Noah, be careful not to burst into flames..
-x-
I wake up suddenly, a dull ache settles in my skull as I roll onto my back squinting as the sunlight filters through the curtains. Sleepily, I glance at my alarm clock, it's 9.00am, I groan, I suppose I better get up then. Sleeping came as a difficulty last night, thoughts clouded my brain as I tossed and turned completely overwhelmed with indecsion.I take a deep breath, sitting up I stretch casually as I shuffle out of the comfort of my bed. I notice my mobile silently cursing me on my bedside cabinet. Shit. The text. I scramble to retrieve the phone, my heart pounding as five bold letters glare at me, Caleb.
I open the text and quickly read over his message.
Hi Noah! I'd love to meet up, come to the Tea Shop and we can go to mine. Does 10 sound okay? Hope to see you soon! x
A ridiculous grin spreads across my face, I feel completely childish as I hug the phone against my chest and squeal in delight. I walk over to my mirror, staring hard at the glowing boy looking back at me. He's not dying, he's content, excited, opportunities are endless as he grabs for them greedily with his eager hands. Reflections can be so deceiving. I glare at the boy before me, wishing that I could drag the silly fool from the mirror and shake him senseless. He's being stupid, does he realise how much hurt he could cause? I place my hand against the cool glass and breathe heavily, I'm being so selfish..
I dress quickly, pulling on some maroon trousers and a stripy top, I go on to mess up my hair making sure it has it's 'just got out of bed' signature look. Satisfied that I'll appeal to Caleb I make my way downstairs, I'm struggling to function, it almost feels like my feet have turned into blocks of concrete, it's a pain just to put one foot in front of the other. I'm facing contradictory emotions constantly, I feel exhilarated from the thought of seeing Caleb again, yet at the same time guilt pins me down at any given opportunity, it settles on my chest, the weight of the world crushing me.
I feel too sick to eat, I skip breakfast as I grab my bag and head towards the front door. Am I really going to do this? I can just imagine Caleb now, he's excited, maybe even has a case of the dreaded butterflies as he sets off to meet me. He's thinking about possibilities, a future, maybe even love. I'm thinking about making to the end of the street without dropping dead and whether I'm going to vomit on his shoes when I meet him.
Why, oh why can't things be simple?