Heaven Nor Hell

“Let’s go woman!” Brian laughed, wrapping his arms around my waist. I was in the bathroom, having just showered, and was adding the finishing touches to my hair. It was Thursday night, and the whole group was going up to Big Bear for a long weekend. I had been at work for a whole two hours, before Brian had come and dragged me home to pack.

“Well if someone hadn’t taken forever doing their hair first, we wouldn’t be running late,” I responded, pulling out of his arms to finish the last of the packing.

“I told you we should have showered together. Would have saved so much time,” he retorted, humor lacing his tone. Though, I found his comment less than comical. Though we had been together for quite a few months, and living together for a large chunk of that, we had yet to have sex, let alone shower together. Though I trusted Brian with my heart, any time we came close, my mind would freeze up, and I would find a reason to stop. Shaking my head, I chose not to respond, and finished up packing.

I could feel Brian’s eyes on me as he leaned against the doorway of the bathroom. I knew he had said that comment to see my response, and knew he was probably disappointed. I had yet to explain to him why I froze up any time we came close to having sex, and I knew he was incredibly confused, and probably a little hurt. I just hadn’t gotten the guts yet to tell him.

After I finished packing our bags, I stood, and gave him a smile, trying to dissolve the tension in the room. “Hey handsome, you have those big guns. How would you feel about packing this stuff down to the car?” I grinned, placing my hands on my hips. Brian groaned, pushing off the door, and walking towards me.

“The things I do for love,” he mumbled, kissing me on the lips, before grabbing both of our suitcases, and heading towards the door. I laughed, watching him jump as I slapped his ass on his way out. “Hands off the goods woman!” he yelled, laughing as he walked away.

A few minutes later, we were on the road to the cabin, Godsmack blasting as we both mumbled out the words. The three hour drive went by fairly quickly, and it was just after five o’clock when we pulled into the driveway of the cabin. I giggled, ignoring Brian’s comment about us being the last couple there, before pushing my way out of the car, and onto the pavement below. After all the stress that followed the break in, I was so thankful to be able to relax and unwind.

I rushed to open the front door for Brian, as he packed both of our bags inside, before we greeted everyone. I went and jointed the women in the kitchen to help prepare dinner, while Brian brought our bags to the empty bedroom upstairs.

“Do we know what the plan is for tonight?” I asked, while chopping lettuce for the salad.

“Well, on the last tour, the boys stopped somewhere in Nevada, and stocked up on a shit ton of good fireworks, that you can’t buy here in Cali. So I think we’re gonna get drunk, have a bonfire, and set a few of those off,” Val smirked. I shook my head with a laugh. For the first time in weeks, I finally felt normal. With all of the stress of Kyle, and the break in, on top of my own frustrations and insecurities, I had been in a state of worry. I felt as though I had been walking on eggshells, because if my own home had been broken into, was I really safe anywhere else? But being here now, surrounded by friends, I not only felt safe, but incredibly happy.

The boys had been kind enough to set the table for us, so we were able to eat within a half an hour of our arrival. Dinner was filled with laughs, as Jimmy shared stories about the early days of Avenged Sevenfold. I bit my lip as I felt Brian’s hand rest on my leg. I gave him a small smile, as he leaned in to peck my lips softly.

After we had cleaned up, we all sat down in the living room to watch Sweeney Todd. I let out a sigh of content as I pulled my blanket closer to face, and snuggled into Brian’s chest. My eyes closed for a few seconds as Brian pressed his lips to my hair, and pulled me impossibly close. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as Brian mumbled along with Johnny Depp, so low I was sure only I would be able to hear.

When the movie had finished, we gathered up our blankets and a few folding chairs, and made our way down to the beach. Brian and Zacky were in charge of starting the fire, while the other boys chose which fireworks to set off that night. After being assured that we were pretty much isolated here at the cabin, and that they had set them off time and time again without complaints from neighbors, I began to relax enough to actually enjoy the fireworks. If that assurance wasn’t enough, Brian’s steady hand running up and down my back would have been. They only set off about five of them, deciding to save most of the big ones for tomorrow night.

Everyone sat around, drinking and discussing tomorrows plans, when I noticed Brian had grown quiet. By the way he was rolling and pursing his lips, I could tell he was deep in thought, and I had an inkling it had to do with what had happened in our bedroom early this afternoon. I spent a few minutes, trying to gain some courage, before I finally whispered, “Do you want to take a walk with me?” Brian smiled, and nodded his head, telling everyone where we were going. He grabbed my hand, and pulled me closer to the beach, until our feet were wading in the lake’s edge. We walked quietly, side by side, until our friend’s voices were nothing but soft echoes. Sighing, I pulled away and sat in the sand, patting the ground next to me as an invitation for Brian to sit. He sat in front of me, and gave me a heartwarming smile, encouraging me to say what exactly was on my mind.

“So…I have something from my past I want to tell you about. But I’ve never told anyone else, and it’s kind of hard to get out, so just…bear with me?” I started, and took a deep breath to prepare myself.

“Of course Sweetheart, take your time,” Brian replied, brushing his thumbs across my knuckles.

“Well, like I already told you, the last six months of mine and Kyle’s relationship was abusive. Despite us dating for a few years, we had never done anything…sexually. A few months before my Dad died, he warned me about giving myself fully to another person: heart, mind, body, and soul. He knew that I would give my all in every relationship, and strive to make the other person happy, no matter the cost, and he warned me to guard myself, and wait for the one person who loved me unconditionally. And in all the years I dated Kyle, I was never fully convinced that he was the one…I was never ready, the moment never felt right…” I paused, taking a deep breath to try to calm myself as tears flooded my eyes.

“But one night, after Kyle had come home from the bar, he was really agitated. He came in and berated me, slapped me around a few times, before throwing me over his shoulder and taking me to the bedroom,” I continued, as I began to choke on my words. “Once he threw me on the bed, he kept touching me and forcing himself on me. I begged him to let me go, but he didn’t listen, and if I tried to fight back, he’d slap me or punch me, demanding I stay still.

“That night, he stole something from me that I’ll never be able to get back. That’s the reason I felt compelled to stay. I felt worthless and cheap, like no one else would love me for who I was. And I wish I wasn’t so reserved, and I wish I could physically show you just how much I love you. But right now, I…I just can’t. And I’m so sorry,” I dropped my head as sobs began to wrack my body.

“Oh Lily,” Brian whispered as he swept me into his arms, cradling me close to his body. He muttered sweet nothings in my ear as I attempted to calm down. When my sobs had settled to little more than the occasional sniffled, Brian pulled back, wiping the tears of my face, before simply holding it between his palms. “He’s a sick bastard Lily, and we find him and make him pay for the pain he’s caused you. I wish I could have saved you, I wish I could have found you sooner. But I need you to understand that I love you with every ounce of my being. You are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. I’m perfectly content to wait. Just know that as far as I’m concerned, your first REAL time will be with me.” Brian finished his speech by planting a soft kiss on my lips, nibbling on my bottom lip for good measure, before pulling me back into his arms.

“Unless of course I decided to leave you for someone who spends less time doing their hair in the mornings. Because in that case, my real first time would be with them,” I grinned, trying to diffuse some of the heavy tension that still lingered between us.

“Meanie,” Brian smirked. He stood and quickly pulled me over his shoulder, before running straight into the lake.