Anxiety

“’Lex?”

Silence. The older boy stayed where he was, emitting no response. The lump under the duvet representing him didn’t even move.

Jack refused to be deterred though. Instead he sat down on the edge of the bed and patiently waited for Alex to emerge. It was after about five minutes that the top of Alex’s head appeared from underneath the covers and Jack dared to reach out a hand and rest it comfortingly on his leg.

“How are you now?” he asked, slightly unnerved by his best friends lack of response. He knew panic attacks were common for the older boy but usually he recovered from them quickly, returning to the stage in a matter of minutes. Luckily this had happened just before their last song so it was easy to just cut the show a little short but Jack knew Alex would be feeling guilty about disappointing their fans.

“Tired. Embarrassed. Overly emotional.”

The blunt reply only caused Jack to worry further. He hated feeling like this, so helpless. He hated knowing his best friend was hurting and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Every time Alex ran off stage at a show, Jack had to pretend to be okay, like it was some joke and that he wasn’t terrified inside, scared for Alex and upset he couldn’t be with him comforting him.

Biting his lip, he moved closer so he was sitting next to Alex rather than at the end of his small bed. He was careful to avoid getting to close though, as the bus was already a cramped space and he didn’t want to make the panicked boy even more claustrophobic. He’d done that once by accident during one of Alex’s earlier attacks and caused him even further distress.
It had taken Matt over an hour to calm them both down; Alex from his panic attack and Jack from near crying over upsetting his best friend more.

Sighing at Jack’s wariness, Alex reached over and tugged on his arm to pull the younger boy closer.

“It’s okay to touch me you know. I won’t break.”

The two sat in silence for several minutes while Jack desperately searched his brain for some words of comfort.

“They understand you know… The fans. They don’t blame you or anything. They’re just concerned-”

He was cut off by Alex’s rant.

“That’s just the point though- I don’t want them to be concerned, I don’t want to be pitied. Ever since they started, everyone’s been so fucking “concerned” and they treat me differently and it’s ridiculous. I just want them to stop. It’s so much worse when they happen in public because everyone watches and I get those worried looks and I just want it all to stop.”

Jack edged closer, not quite sure how to react to this outburst. Alex was always so happy, so easy going. It was almost scary to see him in such distress; the reason he hid his panic attacks away from the rest of the band.

He knows he can’t make words come; he can’t possibly even attempt to try and verbalise his feelings.

So he simply reaches out and takes Alex’s hand in his own. It’s clammy andAlex looks surprised, but Jack keeps his grip firm, refusing to let him go.

After a couple of awkward seconds, Alex pulls away. Jack is momentarily hurt and can’t stop himself from making a small noise of rejection in the back of his throat.

Alex looks at him with gentle eyes before dragging him into a rough hug. They stay embraced for who knows how long, with Alex pushing his face into the younger boy’s neck to muffle his humiliated tears.

Neither of them know how it happened. One minute Alex was crying; finally letting out all the pent up emotions that caused him so much anxiety. The next…well.

In the next moment, both boys were lying down in the cramped space, exchanging gentle kisses.

It was innocent- no roaming hands or frantic touching. Just kissing in the most naïve sense of the word. Light brushes of lips; Jack’s hands stroking Alex’s arms as the older boy closes his eyes, finally in a state of peaceful happiness.

It doesn’t last long before Alex tears himself away, clearly agitated. Jack is about to question him; his expression filled with panic that maybe Alex didn’t want that, that their friendship has been destroyed by a single feverish decision.

This fear is hightened as Alex dashes into the small bathroom an the sound of puking can clearly be heard.

Jack sits on the bed in shock and frightened by Alex’s reaction. He’s too numb, too scared to even move out of Alex’s bunk so he just waits there for his return.

Alex stumbles back, a great deal paler and more unsteady than before. But to the younger boy’s surprise, he isn’t met by cold words or yelling or rebuffs. Instead, Alex just curls up next to him and rests his head on Jack’s shoulder.

“Sorry..that wasn’t anything to do with you by the way.” He says, a faint ghost of his usual half-smile playing at his lips. “I usually get nauseous after attacks…” His words trail off as he stares worredily at Jack. “I didn’t offend you did I? Wasn’t your fault bro.”

Jack simply responds by hugging him. The fear that he’d just lost his best friend has made him shakey and he wonder if this is how Alex feels after an attack.

Alex looks up at him, smiles, and Jack pretty much melts.

“So.. you’re not angry?” he questions, his thoughts still tinged with worry.

Alex laughs. “Of course not. In fact…” He pauses, taking a minute to stare at Jack’s lips. “I think I’ve found the perfect way to reduce anxiety.”

~*~

The next time Alex gets panicky on stage, instead of running off he simply kisses Jack lightly on the lips.

The crowd loves it and it automatically makes him feel calmer.

Jack’s just happy to finally be able to help his best friend.

The kisses and post-show-sex to relieve tension are just a bonus.