Speak the Truth, Even if Your Voice Shakes

1) I was sexually molested and raped by my father when I was about three years old. I didn't know that what he was doing was wrong. I thought that that was how a father showed his love to his daughter. When my mother left him and cut off all ties to him, I remember being so angry with her. I had repressed the memory of what my father had done to me, so I was just angry with her for taking away my father. Years had gone by, but every night I was plagued with a nightmare. In this nightmare, a shadowy figure chases me. I run from it, crying, begging it to leave me alone. It catches me, and the nightmare becomes jumbled. I remember pain, and betrayal. I wake up feeling sick to my stomach, crying, afraid of something that I can't remember. It wasn't until a month ago that all of the memories came flooding back to me and I remembered what he had done to me. Now my nightmares are my memories of my father raping me when I was younger. I remember how he used to bribe me in stealing cigarettes from the store, rewarding me with M&M's. The sick thing is, sometimes I wish that I was still his little girl.

2) I have an amazing boyfriend. I love him to death. We have been going out for a little over a year. But the thing is, I also like his cousin. I met his cousin before I even met him. His cousin and I have feelings for each other, we just were too shy or scared to admit it. One day (before my boyfriend and I started dating,) his cousin and I kissed. For hours. I was so happy. He was my first crush. But we couldn't do anything about it since he was sorta in a relationship and I started to date his cousin shortly after. I love both of these men. I don't like cheating. Which is why I feel like absolute shit, because two days ago, his cousin and I made out at a party we were all at. :/

3) I follow this suicidal group on Facebook called The Butterfly Project. I have two butterflies named after my two best friends that have helped me to stop self mutilation. But lately, I have been feeling my butterflies dying and I think I may start back up. I don't want to start back up, I now have a baby to take care of. I don't want to leave him behind, growing up knowing that his mother was fucked up and killed herself. Hell, I don't want to leave him behind at all. I love him, but there are moments when the temptation is so strong...

4) I can't seem to stop flirting with my boyfriend's cousin.... I just really like him.