Monday

Just take a deep breath and think positive. Everything is going to be fine. Matt’s on his way over, and Susi should be on her way too, and the doctors say Brian is in stable condition…Everything’s going to be OK…

Oh! Who the hell am I kidding! Matt probably thinks I crazy! Susi might not even show up, and Brian is no where near Stable! Everything is turning into shit! And to top it all off I’m going CRAZY! I’m just a big ball of sobbing skin! I probably look like shit and I probably don’t smell any better either.

I need to stop thinking so negative, everything is going to be OK, right? I mean why wouldn’t it? I just cant imagine Brian not here. He’s too perfect to leave me. He’s my everything.

“Zacky!” I herd a familiar voice call from behind.
Go away I thought, but I turned and looked…
WHAAM!!!!!!!
Matt slammed into my back giving me one of those crazy attack hug type things.

“Heeey, I’m so glad you made it Matt, thank you so much!” I looked at him for a ling second.
“I really needed you here.” I finished.
“No problem ho, I can see your looking a bit like shit right now, wanna go get some coffee in the cafeteria or something?” he offered.

“No I cant, I cant leave him.”

“S’okay, so what’s up pretty boy?” he teased.

“God.”

“Haha, more like gas prices these days. Man you know what it cost me to get all the way down here, not that it matters but dammit that shits expensive.”

“Yeah, no shit.” we joked around saying lame comments on the world these days. I never really noticed a chance in the politics and all the other boring stuff. I guess because they didn’t really interest me. Come to think of it, ever since me and Brian kept getting closer and closer, allot of the things I used to do and watch and stuff don’t matter to me.

“Anyway’s…” Matt started. “Did things really get that bad while I was gone?”

I looked at him, I felt my face getting a bit warmer. Some tears starting to form. Dammit I cant cry in front of Matt, he already thinks I look like shit, I don’t want him to think I’m a piece of it too!

“Yes Matt.” I said calmly as more tears starting coming.

“I don’t know what to do, please help me.” I said through more sobs.

“Aww come here dude. Things will get better, you just gotta be patient. And you cant expect things to be a perfect fairy tale. Because their not. Brain is a fucking dumb ass for doing this stupid shit, but after wards he’s going to realize that it wasn’t worth it, because he has you. Zacky, if you sit here and look at me, telling me that things are just going to get worse, then your lying to this one hot ass,-he said as he pointed his thumbs at his chest- and you know that this hot ass doesn’t like being lied to.”

Woah, can he read minds or what? Or was I talking out loud?

I just sat in my chair and looked at the ground. I was thinking over what he said. I knew life wasn’t a fairytale. I wasn’t a little kid who though I was goin to grow up with the perfect job, perfect lover, and have fairy, elves and talking animals jump and sing around me! That’s just creepy!

I’ve been through a lot of shit. And a lot of that shit I went through with Brian. Sure, we both got stressed and kinda screwed in the head with thoughts that we might not make it through the night, but its never been so bad that neither one of us wanted to kill ourselves!

At least I didn’t. I use to think the same for Brian. He was always on top of things and could handle almost anything. But now I’m starting to rethink that. Maybe he didn’t have it all neat and tidy as I thought. I just don’t know anymore!

“Zacky…you working your little head so hard that smoke forms from your ears, wont help anything. What happens, happens and you just have to be patient and wait ‘n see.” HOLY SHIT HE REALLY IS A MIND READER! Or he just know me to well. Either way he’s right.

I just have be patient and wait. But dammit that’s really hard with an overactive imagination like mine!

We sat there for a few minutes. Looking at each other, occasionally staring at the floor. I don’t know why the hell we did that, the floor doesn’t solve anything.

“Matt?”

“Yea?” he answered.

“Why do people stare at the floor or the walls when they’re sad? I mean its not like the floor is magically gonna come alive and solve every ones problems, I mean what the heck? Its retarded!

He stared at me wide eyed, like he was confused, and yet he looked like he wanted to beat the shit out of me.

“Where the HELL did that come from? After all this talk I just had with you, you wanna sit here…and ask why people stare at floors? Zacky, half the fucking time I was here you were starting at damn floor! YOUR BEING A DAMNED HYPOCRITE!”

Woahh. Not the reaction I was hoping for.

“Dammit Zacky, how many times do I have to fucking say this?! Things happen for a fucking reason, people just don’t want to accept those reasons, people stare at the fucking wall to clear their heads because in their minds, this isn’t real, but only when a big hand slaps them across the face to tell them ‘oh shit this is real”

Then he slapped me. Woah whoa woad! what the fuck? He just slapped me!

“What the hell Matt?” I was stunned, he has never been violent with me ever in the 16 years that we’ve known each other.

“Do you understand that is reality yet? Did you get it through your hard ass head?! This isn’t a dream Zackary! There’s no point in pretending that Brian isn’t in that bed right now! Quit pretending and go sit and comfort you boyfriend! Quit imagining that your in you own little world Zacky! ‘Cause the next time you ask me a stupid question like that, your going to be in a bed next to him!” he yelled; pointing at Brian’s stiff body.

I was speechless, why was he raising his voice to me, I don’t understand.
I couldn’t help but to look confused.

“Dammit Zacky! Don’t look at me like that!” He raised he fist and looked like he was about to hit me again. But he seemed to come to some sane reality back in his mind and his arm went limp.

I just started at him arm. My gaze ever so slightly shifting over to Brian’s bed.

“…I” he trailed off. I didn’t look up.

“Zacky…I’m…I’m sorry” His voice a little rough.
“Zack, I’m so sorry I hit you. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m just…Brian is one of my best friends and I don’t like seeing him lying there cause of some stupid little fit!” He let out a long sigh. I still didn’t move from my spot. My trance of elution being discarded when I felt strong arms of a close friend snake around my body. That’s when I felt something hot burring my face…I was crying.

***
Green and brightness surrounding me. I cant see anything accept fro the glossy blurred vision in my eyes. A big black casket with scarlet roses on the top. Couldn’t tell who was inside but curiosity got the best of me. Did I dare peek inside to see if my own thoughts where correct?

Slowly inching my way closer down the isle, dreading each step. As I near the big black box in front of me, only to see someone familiar; Sill white and cold. I just couldn’t tell who he reminded me of…

I slowly walked away bowing my head, paying me respects for this remembers soul who used to be mine. Every step I took, the more sobs came out covering my warm cheeks.

Was this really happening? Please tell me it isn’t! The body inside did not smile, couldn’t even blush. Seems like someone is playing a trick on me. “You can come out now!” I thought

But when I heard the sounds of a mother crying; as if she lost her only son; I knew this was truly happening.

Because that lost child, that remembered soul was my heart, now crushed to a million pieces…
***