Little Love For a Heavy Heart

Chapter one

[One year earlier-Brian]

The wind ruffling my hair, like the playful hand of one friend, brought a small smile to my face. The wild trees surrounding me filled my loneliness and I closed my eyes when a branch bowed down towards me and stroked the tip of my nose with its darkening reddish leaves. The colorful vegetation announced the end of another summer and the beginning of my fall, my favorite. I remained still against the bench park for a while, taking deep breaths and feeling my heart beating slowly in my chest. Approaching foot steps made me open my eyes quickly as a small gasp waved over my body. It was him. I could feel it in the rhythm of his jogging, the sound of his Reebok as they hit the path, and now the wave of smell as he passed by my shaking being. Before I could realize it or tell my arm to stop itself, I wrapped my fingers around his sweater and gripped it tightly, forcing him to a stop. He turned around and took off his left earphone, furrowing his eyebrows and using his voice in my presence for the first time.

"Do I know you?"

Shocked and unable to speak, I simply nodded, letting go of his clothe slowly.

"Oh, I do?"

A soft amused smile crossed his lips as he sat down beside me. I swallowed and stuttered some words.

"I-I mean..no...n-no you don't..."

He chuckled breathlessly, still panting form his run.

"That's what I thought."

I literally stared at him, physically frozen while my mind was going crazy. I did not know his name, yet I knew I wanted to. I did not know a thing about him except that he would be running in central park every day, except Sunday, at 7:30 am, but I would give anything to know him by heart. I blushed, too shy to form a sentence. He held out his hand and I glanced at it, frowning before realizing I had to shake it. I quickly slid my palm along his and smiled at its warmth while he was squeezing my hand.

"I'm Matthew, and you are...?"

I fortunately managed to sort out my name correctly.

"Brian, I replied with a stupid nod."

"Nice to meet you, Brian, he said with a grin. "

All the world's misfortune dropped on me at the sight of his dimples. I clutched his hand as he was about to let go, fighting my melting insides. He raised an eyebrow and I quickly pulled off my hand.

"S-sorry about my twitch, I muttered before getting up and quickly running away."

I went to hide behind a tree, curling up and wishing I would never have to meet his hazel look again in my life. I buried my face in my hands and felt my body shaking from a desperate and quiet sob.

That was how lonely I felt. Crushing on some stranger, fantasizing on him every time he would pass by me, and this since a good couple of weeks. The sight of his smile passed through my mind again. It almost hurt how beautiful it was. I braced myself and got up, hurrying out of the park before I could see him again.

Walking in the streets, looking around, bumping into someone's chest, wincing at their swearing against me, feeling left out, looking up at the sky, walking into a basket, being laughed at, feeling my heart willingly refusing to pay attention to it even though it would remember every single word and sign, wishing I was somewhere else, wanting to simply let go of everything, Matthew. That's when a soft smile appeared on my lips. Just the thought of his name helped me on my way home.

Living alone was hard. It was beyond physical loneliness as I never really had someone. I had been living by myself for years and I always had friends, boys and girls, some left after finding out I was gay, some stayed and supported me, none of my crushes had ever liked me back. In general, I had a hard time being happy. My guitar was my only one savior. I spent the day with it. I composed a song, inspired by Matthew even though it was not about him. I fell asleep curled up on my side, as always, this time my heart lighter than it usually was. I certainly was ashamed of myself and did not know if I would go back the next day, so afraid of how badly he would judge me, but I could not help liking the thought of his face, his smile, his warmth.

I woke up slowly after a dreamless night, remained lay down in bed for a few minutes before glancing at the clock. Nearly 7 o'clock. The decision was not hard to take.

7:10 am, I walked in Central Park and looked for a place where I could see Matthew without having him noticing me. I found a small spot where I sat down, staring at the entrance. Not five minutes after he was there. I frowned, wondering why, for the first time, he was early. I watched him attentively as he walked towards the bench where I we had a conversation the day before and leaned down on it. He remained still and it took me a good two minutes before I realized he was waiting. Waiting for someone. Waiting for me.

I got up and walked up to him stealthily, praying that he would not notice my presence. He tilted his head up as I was not two meters away from him. My desire of cuddling him through his gray sweater was hard to resist. I managed to with a quick breath and took place beside him as he smiled softly.

"Hey there, he said simply."

At this second, I felt like the most special person in the universe. He was there. I had him all for myself, only myself. Nobody was sharing this moment with him. He still was speaking to me after the mess I had been yesterday. It meant so much to me.

"Hi, Matthew, I replied, looking up at him. Waiting for someone?"

He let out a tiny laugh, a laugh that felt so safe.

"Surely was. His name his Brian, would you know him?"

He smirked and nudged my shoulder lightly while I was chuckling shyly.

"And why a... why would you want to see me..?"

He nodded as his face turned serious.

"Now that is the question. And there are two answers for it."

I frowned a little and tilted my head, deeply wondering what they were.

"You seem lonely, he said before pointing at my chest."

I looked down at my thighs with shame, realizing how he should be thinking about me, a poor loser who had nothing best to do in life than stalking someone he did not know. I felt like a human being that had failed at being something. I did not have the strength to hide from anyone anymore and that is why I did not leave the park bench.

"Don't...don't make fun of me please..., was all I said before turning my head and looking away, my legs swinging lightly as I slid my hands under my thighs."

"I won't. To another person you may seem weird, but it's different with me. Because you know, the best friend I ever had did not make the most confident impression to me at first. I'm a frank person and I just want you to know, if you want I'm here to learn more about you and find out how nice you are. "

He offered me a gentle smile as I was looking up at him, widening my eyes a little.

"No kidding?"

"No kidding, he laughed. "

I remained quiet for a moment, wondering what was going on. I was probably about to wake up in my lonely life, my worthless existence. I poked his shoulder to make sure this was real.

"Hey!"

He let out a chuckle as I grinned widely, looking up at his smile.

"So, where do we start, sir?"