Little Love For a Heavy Heart

Eleven months earlier – Brian

I frowned at the mirror, wondering what was wrong with my face today. It was like I had not slept for days since I actually was sleeping a lot more than I usually did. No need to wake up at 7 am to see my crush anymore. He would be mine at night, when we would hang out and share each other's experience. Every day at 8 pm, he would be willing to become a little closer to me, making me fall in love a little more every time and leading me to forget I needed to struggle against these feelings tearing my insides apart in the most wonderful way there was. I smiled at the thought and washed my face quickly with a towel, wiping off the small stains of black makeup before putting on some new one. A soft sigh traveled out of my mouth before I turned off the lights and walked out of the bathroom. Tonight I would have to look as heterosexual as possible.

I walked to the club alone, knowing my friend would be walking with somebody else other than me this time. I pulled a little on my sleeve and took a mint chewing gum before heading inside. I glanced around quickly and a weird feeling raised inside of my body at the sight of all these people dancing to the -bad- music filling the place. I pushed it away and took a few steps to the left, trying to find the couple I was looking for.

Matt's girlfriend was blond and short, had a large smile and bright blue eyes. That is when I told myself maybe it was my look more than my gender that made my friend prefer this girl to me. She seemed friendly with people around her until I walked up to them and nudged Matthew's shoulder. She then turned to me and put on a nice fake smile, tilting her head to the side just a little bit and looking up stealthily at her boyfriend as he was smiling at me.

"Hey there, Brian!", he said loud enough to cover the music.

I grinned a little and obligated myself to keep on a happy face as I was saluting him back. He pulled the woman closer and quickly presented us to each other. Her name was Malory but that I already knew, and the twisted smile she offered me told me she did already know about me too, though it did not seem to please her. She leaned up and told something to Matthew's ear before turning away and walking off to the bar. At that moment my friend took a step towards me and hugged me tightly as I sighed happily before coughing a little and patting his back all manly way. He chuckled into my ear, noticing the faked move. I popped a bubble as he let me go and looked around, frowning a little at all these people invading the confined space. I unconsciously moved closer to Matt as he asked me how I was doing.

"Pretty good!", I yelled as he jumped and laughed.

"Woah dude, not that loud!"

I pulled out a sorry face as he shook his head lightly.

"Come on let's go dance!", he said before pulling me to the dance floor.

"I cannot dance!", I protested, tugging on his hand.

"It's not even about dancing Brian. Just gotta move! Come on you're a great musician, you know well about rhythm."

I blushed just a tiny bit at his words and before I could realize it we were both dancing around like two crazy people. Well we definitively were. I started relaxing and dancing more. It took me a half a song to realize I had not seen my friend since the beginning of it. I glanced around and raised on my tiptoes to try and find him in the crowd as people were pushing me aside. I went to hit them before realizing this was not a moshpit, and left the dance floor. I saw Matt and his
girlfriend standing across the wall and screaming at each other with big arms waves, even spitting at each other's face. I froze and widened my eyes a little, watching them a few meters away even though I could not hear a word of their sayings. She seemed like the most angry one and poked his chest repetitively with her index before yelling so loud I caught her word.

"Go fuck yourself, Matthew Sanders!"

She grabbed her pursed and angrily turned on her heels, storming out of the place. I frowned deeply and ran after her, grabbing her shoulder firmly as she was pushing the door open.

"Hey, what the fuck now! You don't have the right to talk to my friend like that."

I growled a little as she looked up at me with eyes sparkling with frustration.

"Shut up, you piece of crap!", she snapped as she hit my hand off her shoulder. "I can talk however I want to a guy treating me like shit."

I could not help snorting a little.

"You're the shit, dude", I simply shouted before walking back to Matthew.

From the first look she had given me I did not like her and how she was yelling at my friend? I did not bother saying one more word to her and let her leave alone. I did not even care what they just argued about, I decided I would stand by Matt, precisely the guy holding his head in his hands, shoulders bowed. I gently touched his arm to indicate I was there and chewed my lip as he glanced up at me. I was not sure if he was about to burst into tears or laughter and I waited patiently as he stood straight back up. None of this came. He simply squeezed my shoulder with his hand lightly before looking away.

"Let's get out of here", he said so low I had to read it on his lip.

I nodded and led him outside, holding the door open before him and waiting for him to speak first. He took a small breath and looked at me.

"I'm sorry."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Sorry..?"

"Yeah..sorry for ruining your evening and all that jazz. I should just go home."

"Maybe you should", I said slowly, refusing to look at his face.

It was hurting me to see him in pain and only wanting to wrap my arms around him to comfort him away. I managed to fight my curiosity that wanted to know what exactly happened between the two of them and gave him a small goodbye wave. I stared at him as he was walking away in the dark night and felt the irrepressible urge to run after my friend.

"Matt, wait!"

I remained still, waiting to see if he was willing to come back. He stopped and kept looking straight ahead as I was taking a few steps towards him. I could see his resigned contemplative look in my head, could almost feel his soft and tired breath against his upper lip, nearly touch his large shoulders struggling against the desire of leaving their straightened up position, and then he was in my arms.

"You've done so much", I said quietly, "so much for me. I'm not letting you alone tonight."

He did not hold me back but smiled gratefully, a smile that went right to my heart. We walked quietly for a few minutes before passing by a bar. I offered him to go inside to talk and he accepted with a small nod. We sat across the bar and it took him a beer before he opened his mouth.

"It was about you, Brian."

Nothing could have shocked me more than these five words. I felt my heart beating faster and I stared at my empty beer, trying to think of something I could say. I was starting to panic for real when he finally continued.

"She is jealous. She thinks we've been spending too much time together. I got a little angry and told her anyway you were much more fun to hang out with."

I appreciated the pause he made there because I actually started shaking at his words. At him saying that. To his girlfriend. Saying I was much more fun to hang out with.

"It's just so stupid. That was our worst argument."

He sighed softly and sipped his beer, totally not aware I was about to burst into tears or something.

"Do I really need to tell you all this?", he sighed again.

"What do you mean...?," I said carefully.

"I don't want her anymore..."

I swallowed slowly and closed my eyes for a second, trying to find a part of my body that was not freaking out. Lost in myself, I barely did not catch his last few words.

"It's you I want."

I opened my eyes right away and looked straight ahead of me, absolutely not believing what I had just heard. It was my brain formulating the few words I desperately wanted to hear. I could never look at him again. I would not. My fingers were firmly clenched around my glass and I took a deep shaky breath, wishing the beer could swallow me in so I never had to look up again. The only sort of answer I managed to pull was my brain directly talking to the wall by shaking my head from side to side. Because it was simply not happening. None of this. Waves of cold and warmth invaded my insides, ravaging my soul inside of them, crashing it to the left side of my body and leaving my heart begging for air. For blood. Dripping on my fingers, my palms, my wrists. Crushed between my sweating hands was a broken glass, between my knees was dribbling beer. I stood up and glanced at Matt, nearly fainted at the sight of him nervously chewing on his lip ring before getting up quickly and rushing towards me to hold me in him arms. In his arms. In...his...arms...