"Are You Nervous Now?"

Forgive me, I tried not to do it,
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it.

Which sin is most deadly? Lust an intense desire, gluttony is over indulgence, greed, excessive, over indulgent desire. Sloth just plain lazy, wrath is an anger or rage, so intense. Envy… wanting something you cannot have and pride, loving yourself a little too much.
I had watched her sleep for a while; she smiled sweetly occasionally but also frowned a few times, I admired her naked body, she was medium build, not as thin as a stick nor as big as a whale, her hair fell across her chest, she was laying on her side so some of her blonde locks lay on the pillow next to her, I noticed how her hands relaxed and flexed while she was dreaming but she had seemed at peace now as I left the room. I was going to the bar for a quiet drink.

I sat at the bar listening to the mindless chatter filling the room, people kept their voices down though, that was nice, I suppose. I took a sip from my bottle of Newcastle Brown, I loved this ale, it was quite expensive in pubs and bars usually but at this hotel bar I could get it better than half price.

I watched the barman serve drinks to the other customers and watched as a few people gathered outside for a smoke, I was debating whether to wait till the large group had come inside to go for a cigarette or just go now, I was dying for a cigarette, there isn’t anything better than having a cigarette after you’ve just had sex and you’re holding her in your arms, I was dying for a cigarette now but I decided I’d wait for a few of the group to come in before I went out. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, give out cigarettes or lend my lighter to anyone right now, so I thought I’d play it safe.

I was on my 3rd or 4th Newky Brown, sitting in the dark corner; I pulled a diamond ring from my pocket and slid it onto my little finger, I smiled bitterly at it. Everyone I loved seemed to be taken from me, or hurt. I seemed to repel the ones I loved.

“Spike, Rachael is on the phone, she says it’s urgent.” Kirk had said while we were working on my motor bike
“Tell her it’s not urgent enough.” I had laughed
“She says it’s very important.” Kirk handed me the phone, and I hung up on Rachael, my fiancée
“Like I said, it’s not important.” I had smiled and thrown the phone onto the work surface
“I don’t know Spike; maybe you should call her back…” Kirk seemed a little edgy
“I’m working, she knows that, if it’s really that important, she’ll ring me back or leave a message, won’t she?” I lay on my back and began working underneath one of the cars. No sooner had I finished my sentence, my mobile began buzzing away; I slid out from under the car, wiped my greasy hands on my overalls and answered my phone. Kirk turned the radio down.

“Hello Rachael, what’s wrong now? Can’t find the keys?” I said sarcastically
“Spike, it’s your mum.” I remember her saying in a broken voice
“What about her? Has she let the cat out again?” I joked
“They were driving and something happened and they crashed!” I heard her break down into tears
“Yeah but they’re okay right?” I was trying to hope…
“I think you need to get down here, I’m at the hospital, I’ll meet you outside…”
My mother and father had died almost instantly and my little brother and sister were being treated for internal bleeding, apparently it was something to do with the breaks in the car, it was stupid because I told them the breaks were fine, at least they were when I checked them, I’d never gotten it wrong. I lost my whole family that day. And it was my fault. I probably didn’t check the breaks properly, I must have had something on my mind at the time, I was seventeen and at seventeen you have a hell of a lot on your mind, well at least you think you have a lot on your mind.

When they showed me the car, it was as if the car had just imploded on itself, according to bystanders the car was going just under the speed limit and then a truck stopped and they didn’t, they kept going and going, until they drove straight into the back of the truck. The whole front of the car was pressed in and squashed like it was an empty can of coke that someone had stood on, it seemed to just merge with the back of the car.

I shook my head to try and shake the memories away, but they weren’t going away.

We were walking down a dark street if I remember correctly, we’d just been to see a late night viewing of, I forget the name of the film but we decided we’d walk home, it was a chilly December night and there was snow on the ground, I had my hands in my pocket, Rachael linked my arm, she was talking to me about our wedding, and how she wanted it to snow on the day, a white wedding. I had smiled at her ideas, we’d stopped to kiss when we’d heard the footsteps, I looked quickly and grabbed Rachael’s hand, and I began walking with her swiftly.

The footsteps seemed to run; I stopped and looked at the man, dead in the face.
“What’s your problem?” I growled
“Gimme your money.” The short man glared at me
“Are you kidding me?” I had laughed
“Fuck off, gimme your money!” He yelled, his bloodshot eyes raged at me
I laughed again, he gripped his curly mop of hair, and he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol
I looked at him unmoving.
“Gimme your money and no one gets hurt.” He pointed the gun at my head
I turned to look at Rachael who was crying desperately but not saying a word
“I haven’t got any money” I looked at the man who was half my size
“Gimme the ring then? It’s a real diamond right?” he glanced at Rachael’s hand then back at me, still pointing the gun at me
“You’re not getting the ring.” I clenched my teeth
The man laughed hysterically, lowered the gun then snapped it back up, this time pointing it at Rachael
I tried to hold my anger in, but it was getting harder by the second.
“Yeah, I think I do get the ring, either that or I shoot her right between her pretty little eyes!” The man yelled
“Just give him the fucking ring Spike!” Rachael screamed and threw the engagement ring at me, it landed in the snow
It happened so quickly, I punched him in the face, he had pulled the trigger and he’d been knocked clean out, I couldn’t hear Rachael sobbing anymore.

I turned to look at here, she was lying in blood stained snow. I fell to my knees. I tried to scream her name but no words came from my mouth, I crawled to her side, holding her in my arms for the last time, while she bled out, he’d shot her in the chest, she’d gone so quickly.

It was my fault; I should have just given the arsehole the damn ring. I wouldn’t have lost Rachael that way. She’d died because of me; I was 20 and I had lost everything I’d ever loved. My family had died because of me. The one’s I love get hurt, because of me.

I remember going back to the scene of the crime later that day because police said they’d found a ring that matched the description, the short man, with the mop hair and bloodshot eyes was sent to prison for murder, he’d been given life imprisonment because he had been on the run for a while and was wanted for theft, drug dealing and now murder, luckily there had been CCTV and security guards around to see that I acted in self-defense. But no jail sentence could bring her back.

I often went back to both scenes in which I lost the ones I’d loved with every part of me, the place where my family had died was still a road and I often stood on the bridge just to watch the cars drive over the exact same spot where they died. There would be cigarette butts all over the pavement once I’d finished thinking. The street where Rachel had been murdered now had more street lamps, but there was, like the spot where my family died, no evidence that death had ever visited.

I ordered another bottle of Dog and went outside for a cigarette.