"Are You Nervous Now?"

I'm in the tub; you on the seat,
Lick your lips as I soak my feet.
And then you notice little carpet burns,
My stomach drop and my guts churn.

I had found a pay phone and dialled his mobile number. The ringing subsided and I spoke straight away.
“Hey, Kirk, I know you probably-” I was cut off by Kirk’s voice
“Hi there, it’s Kirk, I’m sorry I’m not able to answer the phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll try and get back to you as soon as possible, thanks.”
I sighed and put the phone on the hook, hanging up felt like I was leaving my love on the line, like I was just giving up.

Would I be able to face him after yesterday? I had no idea, all I knew was I needed to get home, I needed to be there just in case Kirk came knocking.
I leant on the inside wall of the phone box, looking at the buttons, my eyes kept darting to his number, I’d already tried his house phone and it had been left off the hook, I just didn’t understand what had come over me yesterday. I loved Kirk and I did want to spend the rest of my life with him, even though I had no opinion in the things that should have been decided between me and him not involving his father in anyway. I felt that familiar lump in my throat, the one that made swallowing feel like I was swallowing a hard boiled sweet, whole. I blinked back the tears and stumbled out of the phone box, I don’t know why I was surprised no one yelled at me when I finally emerged. For some strange reason I thought there would be a queue waiting outside the phone box. No Vex, the world doesn’t revolve around you, I reassured myself.

I had spent a good while just walking around this unfamiliar village, we’d travelled deep into the countryside to have this silly wedding and all I really wanted was a small quite wedding, with one or two friends and my mum. But Kirk insisted we have it out in the country at this manor, with every single family member, every one of our friends, and random people who lived in the village. Nothing had really caught my eye enough to snap me out of my thoughts; I just kept walking, slowly, aimlessly, carelessly, just enjoying being alone.

I could feel a cold breeze on my face, it wasn’t that unpleasant, it was actually quite nice, to feel alive, to feel something other than that aching feeling I’d grown so accustom to. I could hear birds in the distance, singing, singing songs of happier times; I didn’t understand why they were so happy, why Mother Nature was smiling ever lovingly at me.

“Vex, you don’t have to throw yourself at men to get them to love you,” His voice seemed so wise and full of experience for such a young man.
I sniffed emphasizing my upset
“There are so many men who already love you.” He lifted my chin up to look into my eyes
I frowned childishly, “Like who?”
He seemed to stop and think for a long while, “Like, Ryan he worships the ground you walk on.”
I grimaced with surprise and disgust, “Ew! Ryan has spots all over and funny teeth!”

I laughed at the memory that seemed to slip it’s way into my unwilling head, I didn’t really want to remember things right now but my brain wanted me to.

Funny, whenever you want to remember something, you can’t, whenever you don't want to remember, you remember everything, even the things you thought were long forgotten, the things your brain locked in a box and put far away before throwing away the key. But somehow, you manage to find the key every now and then and you open the forbidden box, wondering what’s hidden inside… until you can’t put the memories back quick enough.

“I found these on your doorstep, want them?” Spike looked apathetically at me and handed me a bouquet of the most beautiful red roses I’d ever seen
I nodded speechless, they were utter perfection. They were crimson in colour with petals that looked as if they were folded by angels.
No one could wipe the smile off my face that day, I was sure they were from Kirk; he always surprised me on my birthday. He never forgot. He always tried to be the hopeless romantic and pretend he was my secret admirer. He was sweet that way.