Status: I'm sorry for any tears this might have caused.
Hello
Hello
Playground school bell rings again
Matt walks past the schools he and Brian attended. They’d spent their entire education lives in the same institutions but neither had sought to make contact until that fateful day when Brian was sought after to play guitar for Matt’s band. As he walks, he passes a playground. A playground that the whole band used to frequent after a night of drinking themselves silly at Johnny’s Bar. A lot of good things happened at that playground. That playground was where Brian had gathered up the courage to tell Matt how he felt. It was where Matt admitted that the feelings were mutual. The automatic school bell rings, signifying the end of a period despite there being no children in the building at the moment. The town was lifeless at this time of night/morning. Just how Matt liked it ever since the incident.
Rain clouds come to play again
From the bright light of the brilliant full moon, Matt can notice darkened clouds accumulating in the distance. It reminds him of when he and Brian shared their first kiss in the rain. They’d been driving home from a secret date when Matt’s car decided to stall. The rain was pouring and Matt was willing to sit it out and wait for a tow truck. But no, the ever spontaneous, high on life Brian begged Matt to let them walk home in the torrential downpour. Matt thought Brian was crazy, but Brian looked at him with his shimmering cocoa eyes and how could Matt ever say no? Laughter at how absolutely absurd his best friend/ guitarist/ boyfriend/ soul mate was bubbled past his full pink lips as he relented and got out of the car. The door was locked and the keys pocketed as they held hands, laced at the fingers and began to walk. They were right at the turn of Brian’s street when the older man turned to the younger. Slightly tiptoeing to compensate for the gap, Brian’s lips met Matt, the kiss scorching despite the freezing rain. Matt can never forget that night.
Has no one told you he's not breathing? Hello
Matt passes the jewelry store where he got the call. His knees go a bit weak and his eyes start to water. He remembers it with poignant, heart shattering clarity. He’d gone there to buy a ring. An engagement ring. The longing in his heart to make it officially before God and State had become too strong to ignore. He’d been looking at an amethyst crystal set in an onyx ring when his phone rang. Brian’s dead. The hysterical sobs of his green eyed rhythm coming from the other end made it real. It wasn’t April’s Fools, and they knew how much Matt adored Brian to play that kind of trick any other time of year. He’s fucking dead! I don’t know how! The doctor’s say he just stopped breathing. Matt? Hello? Matt?! Matt walks up the short steps to the front door of the store, banging on the reinforced glass, trying to keep his animalistic wails at bay.
I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
Matt kept to himself after that day. Preferring to stay in his imagination where Brian was still there. Still very much alive. In his mind, he and Brian are already married. They’ve already adopted 3 kids and Brian is a wonderful father. Whenever someone tries to bring Matt into the conversation he refuses. It’s safer in his head. Much safer. It’s where Brian is. Right now, Brian’s sleeping in the confines of Matt’s twisted mind. And, as Matt walks around the neighbourhood some more, the Matt inside watches adoringly. A myriad of emotions can be seen on his face, but the one that radiates most is love. Outside, Matt is dying.
If I smile and don't believe
Whenever people saw him, they’d offer their condolences. He was much too young. Didn’t deserve to go. I hear you two were very close, I’m sorry. Be strong, Matthew. Matt smiled as best he can but doesn’t say anything as he continued on his way. Those people were wrong. Brian wasn’t dead. He was alive. So alive. They just couldn’t see him because he was Matt’s to hold. He was Matt’s to cherish. No one else deserved Brian’s beauty. No one else deserved to even look at it. Matt finds himself passing the pier. The first and only place he ever willingly spilled his own blood. He remembers that day too. The way it hurt, but never as bad as losing the one he needed to survive. The way his blood called out to Brian the way Abel’s blood called out to God. He cried. Salty tears stinging the self inflicted wounds as they slipped down. Brian wouldn’t have wanted him to do that. But Brian wasn’t planning on dying, was he. But even in the midst of this pain, this torture he was bringing unto himself, Matt never believed Brian was gone.
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
This is all just a really fucking bad dream. That would be Matt’s mantra every day. Even now as he walks past the pier, that’s what he’s whispering. Every day for the past five months is just a dream. That’s why he never accepts condolences. He knows he’s going to wake up soon, so why even bother? He’s going to wake up with that vibrant, cocky, amazingly talented and beautiful guitarist nestled into his arms just like he’s supposed to. It’s just your fucking nightmare. Matt has to laugh. The words of his very own song are coming back to haunt him. First Jimmy, now this. But of course, Jimmy’s passing is as real as can be. Brian’s still in his arms and Matt’s just going to wake up in a few hours to the soft glow of the sun shining through their drawn curtains. And he’ll say, good morning, beautiful, the sun came to see you. And Brian would laugh at how utterly homosexual that was but they’d still be in love and Brian would still be here.
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello
You’re fucking wrecked, Shads. Johnny said to him one day after dropping by unexpectedly. Matt had to reluctantly pull himself out of his fantasy world to acknowledge the bassist. You need therapy. You’re not right. Matt just shrugged. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That was his response to everything. He wasn’t broken in any way. He was just living the life he was supposed to live. So what if it was in his head. He wipes away at tears starting to slip down his cheeks. Brian left him a wounded man.
I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Don’t cry. Brian would whisper to him in the confines of his memories. I’m here. Always. And it rarely ever makes Matt feel better. Deep inside where nothing’s fine. I’ve lost my mind. Psychotic; rabid dementia. I won’t be fine. Those words play to him over and over again now. He’s not well, he knows it. He’s certifiably mentally insane. Only psychopaths and sociopaths live out their lives in their minds like a telepathic sims game. Matt knows he needs help. He knows it even as he walks right now. But he doesn’t want help. To get help would be to lose Brian completely. And no, he can’t live with that. Brian would try to make everything better. Brian didn’t know what happened to him, Matt kept it that way. Brian was essentially a lie, a syn. Matt hid behind him so he didn’t have to shine without him. Don’t cry. Brian would whisper. I’ll try. Matt would reply.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Matt reaches his true destination. The cemetery. And all his breath leaves him. He finds ot hard to breathe and the air surrounding him becomes stifling. He makes his way past the gate, closing his eyes. He’s only been to the desired headstone once, but knows the way by heart. His feet carry him to the grave. Only when they stop does he open his eyes. RIP Brian Elwin Haner Jr. aka Synyster Gates. 1981– 2012. Loving son, Devoted friend, Adored guitarist, Beloved partner, Faggot singer. ‘Just so you know, you don’t play guitar with your neck, bro. You play it with your bum-bum.’ Matt smiles bitterly at the ‘faggot singer’ part. Zacky insisted they put it there as an everlasting homage to the fact that no matter how macho Syn behaved on stage, his voice would always be higher and more feminine than even Zacky’s. A sudden realization hits Matt with physical force, causing the alpha to stagger. Brian’s gone. This is no dream. Matt’s standing on his grave and if he were to dig it up, he’d find Brian’s bones. Right down to his defined cheek bones, he’d find them. The grief that consumes him makes him scream.
Hello, I'm still here
Matt’s all alone in this world. This fact sends him to his knees and he claws at the earth, wincing at the heady smell. He screams and he cries and he wails Brian’s name. He prays to every god he’s ever heard of. Please bring him back, please. Please! Please! I need him! I love him! How am I supposed to live without him! The tears that he refused to shed at Brian’s funeral are finally flowing forth. Dirt gets under his nails and he couldn’t care less. He balls his hands into fists and starts throwing punches at Brian’s headstone, not even stopping when he splits skin and cracks bone and there’s sharp agonizing pain shooting up both arms. Nothing can compare to the pain of realizing that he’s still here. He’s still living with his soul mate. Without the one who made everything bearable.
All that's left of yesterday
Damn, Brian’s sure gotten under your skin. Jimmy said to Matt quietly one day after catching the vocalist staring at self assured guitarist with a lovesick smile on his face. Never thought it was possible. Brian broke me. Matt said, giddy smile never leaving his lips. And I’m the happiest man in the world. Brian broke me. Matt thinks bitterly as he stops his assault on the headstone when the pain becomes almost too much. Why’d you have to leave? Didn’t you love me? He screams at whoever is in charge. He screams at Brian’s spirit. I loved you with all I have and you just fucking leave?! Anger and agony mingle together in the tears that course down Matt’s face. He curls up on the mound of earth that covers Brian’s grave. Blood flowing from the cuts on his hands, his wraps his arms around himself, locking in a fetal position. Matt’s all that’s left. Matt’s the only thing remaining from the passionate loving relationship they shared. All of that’s lost in yesterday. The tears never stop, can never stop now that Matt’s let them go free. A blood curdling scream of his lover’s name is ripped from his vocal chords as Matt loses himself to the grief, the sadness.
Matt walks past the schools he and Brian attended. They’d spent their entire education lives in the same institutions but neither had sought to make contact until that fateful day when Brian was sought after to play guitar for Matt’s band. As he walks, he passes a playground. A playground that the whole band used to frequent after a night of drinking themselves silly at Johnny’s Bar. A lot of good things happened at that playground. That playground was where Brian had gathered up the courage to tell Matt how he felt. It was where Matt admitted that the feelings were mutual. The automatic school bell rings, signifying the end of a period despite there being no children in the building at the moment. The town was lifeless at this time of night/morning. Just how Matt liked it ever since the incident.
Rain clouds come to play again
From the bright light of the brilliant full moon, Matt can notice darkened clouds accumulating in the distance. It reminds him of when he and Brian shared their first kiss in the rain. They’d been driving home from a secret date when Matt’s car decided to stall. The rain was pouring and Matt was willing to sit it out and wait for a tow truck. But no, the ever spontaneous, high on life Brian begged Matt to let them walk home in the torrential downpour. Matt thought Brian was crazy, but Brian looked at him with his shimmering cocoa eyes and how could Matt ever say no? Laughter at how absolutely absurd his best friend/ guitarist/ boyfriend/ soul mate was bubbled past his full pink lips as he relented and got out of the car. The door was locked and the keys pocketed as they held hands, laced at the fingers and began to walk. They were right at the turn of Brian’s street when the older man turned to the younger. Slightly tiptoeing to compensate for the gap, Brian’s lips met Matt, the kiss scorching despite the freezing rain. Matt can never forget that night.
Has no one told you he's not breathing? Hello
Matt passes the jewelry store where he got the call. His knees go a bit weak and his eyes start to water. He remembers it with poignant, heart shattering clarity. He’d gone there to buy a ring. An engagement ring. The longing in his heart to make it officially before God and State had become too strong to ignore. He’d been looking at an amethyst crystal set in an onyx ring when his phone rang. Brian’s dead. The hysterical sobs of his green eyed rhythm coming from the other end made it real. It wasn’t April’s Fools, and they knew how much Matt adored Brian to play that kind of trick any other time of year. He’s fucking dead! I don’t know how! The doctor’s say he just stopped breathing. Matt? Hello? Matt?! Matt walks up the short steps to the front door of the store, banging on the reinforced glass, trying to keep his animalistic wails at bay.
I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
Matt kept to himself after that day. Preferring to stay in his imagination where Brian was still there. Still very much alive. In his mind, he and Brian are already married. They’ve already adopted 3 kids and Brian is a wonderful father. Whenever someone tries to bring Matt into the conversation he refuses. It’s safer in his head. Much safer. It’s where Brian is. Right now, Brian’s sleeping in the confines of Matt’s twisted mind. And, as Matt walks around the neighbourhood some more, the Matt inside watches adoringly. A myriad of emotions can be seen on his face, but the one that radiates most is love. Outside, Matt is dying.
If I smile and don't believe
Whenever people saw him, they’d offer their condolences. He was much too young. Didn’t deserve to go. I hear you two were very close, I’m sorry. Be strong, Matthew. Matt smiled as best he can but doesn’t say anything as he continued on his way. Those people were wrong. Brian wasn’t dead. He was alive. So alive. They just couldn’t see him because he was Matt’s to hold. He was Matt’s to cherish. No one else deserved Brian’s beauty. No one else deserved to even look at it. Matt finds himself passing the pier. The first and only place he ever willingly spilled his own blood. He remembers that day too. The way it hurt, but never as bad as losing the one he needed to survive. The way his blood called out to Brian the way Abel’s blood called out to God. He cried. Salty tears stinging the self inflicted wounds as they slipped down. Brian wouldn’t have wanted him to do that. But Brian wasn’t planning on dying, was he. But even in the midst of this pain, this torture he was bringing unto himself, Matt never believed Brian was gone.
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
This is all just a really fucking bad dream. That would be Matt’s mantra every day. Even now as he walks past the pier, that’s what he’s whispering. Every day for the past five months is just a dream. That’s why he never accepts condolences. He knows he’s going to wake up soon, so why even bother? He’s going to wake up with that vibrant, cocky, amazingly talented and beautiful guitarist nestled into his arms just like he’s supposed to. It’s just your fucking nightmare. Matt has to laugh. The words of his very own song are coming back to haunt him. First Jimmy, now this. But of course, Jimmy’s passing is as real as can be. Brian’s still in his arms and Matt’s just going to wake up in a few hours to the soft glow of the sun shining through their drawn curtains. And he’ll say, good morning, beautiful, the sun came to see you. And Brian would laugh at how utterly homosexual that was but they’d still be in love and Brian would still be here.
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello
You’re fucking wrecked, Shads. Johnny said to him one day after dropping by unexpectedly. Matt had to reluctantly pull himself out of his fantasy world to acknowledge the bassist. You need therapy. You’re not right. Matt just shrugged. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. That was his response to everything. He wasn’t broken in any way. He was just living the life he was supposed to live. So what if it was in his head. He wipes away at tears starting to slip down his cheeks. Brian left him a wounded man.
I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Don’t cry. Brian would whisper to him in the confines of his memories. I’m here. Always. And it rarely ever makes Matt feel better. Deep inside where nothing’s fine. I’ve lost my mind. Psychotic; rabid dementia. I won’t be fine. Those words play to him over and over again now. He’s not well, he knows it. He’s certifiably mentally insane. Only psychopaths and sociopaths live out their lives in their minds like a telepathic sims game. Matt knows he needs help. He knows it even as he walks right now. But he doesn’t want help. To get help would be to lose Brian completely. And no, he can’t live with that. Brian would try to make everything better. Brian didn’t know what happened to him, Matt kept it that way. Brian was essentially a lie, a syn. Matt hid behind him so he didn’t have to shine without him. Don’t cry. Brian would whisper. I’ll try. Matt would reply.
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Matt reaches his true destination. The cemetery. And all his breath leaves him. He finds ot hard to breathe and the air surrounding him becomes stifling. He makes his way past the gate, closing his eyes. He’s only been to the desired headstone once, but knows the way by heart. His feet carry him to the grave. Only when they stop does he open his eyes. RIP Brian Elwin Haner Jr. aka Synyster Gates. 1981– 2012. Loving son, Devoted friend, Adored guitarist, Beloved partner, Faggot singer. ‘Just so you know, you don’t play guitar with your neck, bro. You play it with your bum-bum.’ Matt smiles bitterly at the ‘faggot singer’ part. Zacky insisted they put it there as an everlasting homage to the fact that no matter how macho Syn behaved on stage, his voice would always be higher and more feminine than even Zacky’s. A sudden realization hits Matt with physical force, causing the alpha to stagger. Brian’s gone. This is no dream. Matt’s standing on his grave and if he were to dig it up, he’d find Brian’s bones. Right down to his defined cheek bones, he’d find them. The grief that consumes him makes him scream.
Hello, I'm still here
Matt’s all alone in this world. This fact sends him to his knees and he claws at the earth, wincing at the heady smell. He screams and he cries and he wails Brian’s name. He prays to every god he’s ever heard of. Please bring him back, please. Please! Please! I need him! I love him! How am I supposed to live without him! The tears that he refused to shed at Brian’s funeral are finally flowing forth. Dirt gets under his nails and he couldn’t care less. He balls his hands into fists and starts throwing punches at Brian’s headstone, not even stopping when he splits skin and cracks bone and there’s sharp agonizing pain shooting up both arms. Nothing can compare to the pain of realizing that he’s still here. He’s still living with his soul mate. Without the one who made everything bearable.
All that's left of yesterday
Damn, Brian’s sure gotten under your skin. Jimmy said to Matt quietly one day after catching the vocalist staring at self assured guitarist with a lovesick smile on his face. Never thought it was possible. Brian broke me. Matt said, giddy smile never leaving his lips. And I’m the happiest man in the world. Brian broke me. Matt thinks bitterly as he stops his assault on the headstone when the pain becomes almost too much. Why’d you have to leave? Didn’t you love me? He screams at whoever is in charge. He screams at Brian’s spirit. I loved you with all I have and you just fucking leave?! Anger and agony mingle together in the tears that course down Matt’s face. He curls up on the mound of earth that covers Brian’s grave. Blood flowing from the cuts on his hands, his wraps his arms around himself, locking in a fetal position. Matt’s all that’s left. Matt’s the only thing remaining from the passionate loving relationship they shared. All of that’s lost in yesterday. The tears never stop, can never stop now that Matt’s let them go free. A blood curdling scream of his lover’s name is ripped from his vocal chords as Matt loses himself to the grief, the sadness.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm so so sorry.