I'm With The Band

Taylor had taken a hot shower, crying as she thought of her encounter with Johnny. She wasn't worried by the prospect of Johnny Knowing where to find her, but worried by the prospect of him no longer wanting to find her despite this knowledge. She'd lied to Vinny and said she was feeling under the weather, retreating to bed early. She pretended to be asleep when Vinny came up to bed himself, only opening her eyes when she heard the steady sound of his breathing.

Taylor turned over and observed Vinny. He was handsome, but Johnny was gorgeous. Vinny was actually caring, unlike Johnny. Although when Johnny was the slightest bit compassionate, it seemed to count for so much more. Vinny prided himself on his public image while Johnny was confident and didn't care how the public perceived him. There was always something spontaneous, rebellious and dangerous about Johnny that drew Taylor closer to him. He was far superior than any other man in every way.
And he was right here, Taylor reminded herself.

Johnny Carolina, who could have any woman in the world and he wanted her. Yet again she had refused him and couldn't for the life of her figure out why. If she didn't want to be with him, why did she allow him to consume her thoughts so?
He had asked her, yet again, to go with him and once again she'd said no. Why?
She couldn't figure it out herself.

Vinny loved her and she was happy with Vinny, but she didn't love him. Not like she loved Johnny. She didn't burn for Vinny the way she burned for Johnny. Vinny was merely a glowing ember against the Johnny Carolina forest fire inside her.

Taylor felt bad for thinking such things while laying beside Vinny. She couldn't scrutinise and compare him as he lay asleep and defenceless.
Taylor quietly climbed out of bed and went downstairs. She opened up her laptop and loaded up a search engine, typing in two fatal words.
Johnny Carolina.

She'd never thought to Google him before, but now he was on her mind so prominently, she wanted something other than their latest encounter on her mind. Thousands and thousands of links were thrown back at her, the top one reading 'Johnny Carolina Alive.'
She already knew that much so she skipped it and looked at the second link. This one read, 'Carolina, Murder Witness.' She knew that too. She skimmed through the rest on the page. They all related to Johnny's reappearance or his 'new look', indicating his black hair. It was all old news. She wanted something new. She wanted to know where he was and what he was doing now. She didn't care about what he did three months ago.

Then Taylor noticed the images icon and forced herself to click on it. The page loaded and Johnny stared back at her from every angle. She looked over the perfect pictures of him and jumped when Vinny shuffled through the door. Taylor clicked desperately at the X in the corner and the page disappeared.

'What are you doing up?' Vinny yawned. 'You okay?' Taylor nodded and turned off the laptop. She'd been stupid. How did she expect to get over Johnny when she was Googling him? She knew it would be fine until she came across pictures she really didn't want to see. Johnny with his arm around another woman, or Johnny sucking face with her, or Johnny-
She stopped herself and shut the lid down. She had to stop obsessing over Johnny Carolina. It wasn't healthy, for herself or her relationship.

'What were you doing?' Vinny asked. Taylor shook her head.

'Nothing. Just . . checking the weather forecast for tomorrow.' It was rubbish but it was all she had.

'At gone one in the morning?'
Taylor shrugged. 'I couldn't sleep and was just wondering about it. C'mon, let's go to bed,' she suggested.

Taylor pushed the shopping trolley down the next aisle and stopped to haul in a large bottle of Coke. Food shopping wasn't her favourite activity by a long way, but someone had to do it.
She then added a bottle of lemonade for good measure. She reached for a carton of orange juice, for Vinny, and a carton of apple, for herself. Taylor turned the trolley around the corner to the next aisle and found herself gazing above the assortment of alcohols Tesco had to offer. Her and Vinny enjoyed a nice bottle of red at the weekends. She only ever bought one, so she always bought a nicer one.
Taylor put the bottle in the trolley before her eyes lingered on a particular whiskey that she knew was a favourite of a certain someone.

Johnny loved Jack Daniels. She wondered whether he still drank it or whether he drank a whole bottle every day.
Had he slipped back to being that old Johnny Carolina? The one who would drive home drunk or would leave every club with a different girl?

Taylor liked to think, that for the three or so months they lived under the same roof, she had changed him, made him a better person.
He'd opened up to her, one cold night in front of the fire. He'd told her about his drug addictions and his expected relapses.
Had he relapsed yet? Was he still even taking drugs?

Taylor didn't know. She knew absolutely nothing about Johnny Carolina anymore, and yet, she knew things about him that no one else in the world knew about.
Things like his past and the importance of his Gibson acoustic. Things like his real name and who his father is. He'd told her stuff he'd never tell anyone, he'd trusted her with the truth of his life, as ugly as that truth may have been.

Taylor agreed with him. She thought they would last too, thought they were in it for the long haul. She loved him and had no intention of abandoning him. But she'd failed him and she'd failed her assignment. That was why she quit. Not to travel. She felt stupid and embarrassed. She'd failed her assignment the moment she allowed herself feelings for Johnny. It was already over long before Johnny got shot. She couldn't bare to look chief inspector Norris in the eye and lie about staying professional. She hadn't. Of course she hadn't. She'd slept with Johnny, she fell in love with him, she became careless.

Johnny was always her greatest weakness. He always held more power over her than he had a right to, and yet Taylor let him. She let him be controlling and allowed him to dictate everything she did.

Being a cop had always meant she had to be independent and sensible. She had to be the strong decision maker and she had to be cold and detached from it all. Her job intercepted her personal life, she realised, and she had become detached with everything she did. Maybe that was why she so easily let Johnny be the more dominant one? All her life she had been the boss and she'd grown tired of it. Part of her strangely enjoyed Johnny's forcefulness. She enjoyed someone else taking charge for once. She just couldn't do it anymore. Johnny had taken all the fight out of her. He'd made her weak.

Taylor pushed the trolley forward, walking with a determined stride to the magazine aisle. She couldn't stand this any longer. She needed to know about him. He was always in magazines, and if he wasn't, you could guarantee Grace was. She wanted the whole world to know everything about her baby and every brief encounter she has with Johnny. Taylor could only assume that Johnny still kept in contact with Grace. He'd already stated that he didn't want to be like his own father and disappear before the baby's even born, never knowing his son.

Johnny hated Grace. She'd lied to the tabloids on several occasions about her relationship with Johnny. Truth being there was no relationship. Johnny had broken up with Grace and she'd forgotten to mention that to the tabloids she sold her life to. Johnny couldn't stand the woman, though she was convinced that Johnny was still hers and that he'd come back to her one day.

Taylor picked up the first magazine she found with Johnny's face on and hurried off as she were going to get caught in some terrible deed. She'd read the magazine and then hide it away from Vinny. She didn't want to have to explain why she was suddenly interested in gossip rags when she never has been before.

When Taylor loaded the shopping into the car, she sat for a moment with the magazine in her hands. This was foolish and pointless, she knew that, but she had already started now and nothing could stop her fingers turning the pages to page 12.
It appeared to be a feature on State-Side's latest single. The interview was with Johnny himself, dated a week ago.

Taylor's eyes froze over the title of the single. It was called Texas.
Taylor shut her eyes and sighed. It was her song. The first single of their new album was the song Johnny had written about her, and he'd practically named it after her too. Texas had always been his nickname for after he'd declared her a member of the State-Side family and named her Taylor Texas.
Taylor inhaled a shaky breath and read the article carefully. He was asked about the meaning of the song. He replied,

“I wrote it for someone I used to know. A woman unlike any other I've ever met. She said no to me. Nearly every time she said no and it only made me want her more. She's gone now though. Don't know where she is anymore.”

The interview was clearly before he had tracked her down and gotten her home address. The interviewer, seeming intrigued by Johnny's answer, pursued with questions about Taylor, rather than the song.

“Was this woman a girlfriend of yours?” they asked.

“I used to think she could be, if I could ever win her over, but I guess she was never really that into me.”

His casual answers stung like a wasp. Of course she was into him! Taylor thought angrily. She loved him! How could he be so bloody naive?
The next question was about the song and why it was titled 'Texas'.

“It's to do with her again. It's a private thing between me and her. When I wrote the song and played it to her, it didn't have a title. Naming it Texas, I guess, is just my way of getting her attention, to show her that I still think about her.”

Taylor's heart ached and tears filled her eyes. She still thought about him too. Far too much. More than she wanted to.

“Will she read this, do you think?” the interview asked.

“Probably not.” he replied. “She wants nothing to do with me. If she did, she wouldn't have left me.”

Once again Taylor was greeted by her close friend, guilt. She was feeling that a lot lately. Guilty for leaving Johnny and getting with Vinny. Guilty for not wanting Vinny and really wanting Johnny.
Her choice seemed so clear as day sometimes. She loved Johnny, not Vinny. She should be with Johnny. But then she'd be reminded of what Johnny is like and how he acts and how crazy messed up his lifestyle is. She just wouldn't fit in that world. Just wouldn't belong, and yet she was so convinced she belonged with Johnny, regardless of what world it was in.

Reading the rest of the article, Taylor discovered that the band were set to film a video for the single. It was the video he was meant to be filming the day he decided to drop in on her instead.
Taylor realised that if Johnny ever dropped her name in an interview, every female fan of State-Side would want her head. She would forever be known as the woman who broke Johnny Carolina's heart. The only woman dumb enough to actually reject him. She'd no doubt instantly become the number one enemy of literally millions of people.
Taylor shut the magazine, not bothering to read when the single was due out. She was sure she'd hear her song on the radio soon enough.

When Taylor got home with the shopping, she was working on autopilot. She unloaded the shopping and packed it away. She hid the magazine in her drawer, under her clothes, and with Vinny still at work and on the back of her mind, Taylor tormented herself with Google yet again. Only this time she wasn't after information about Johnny, but information on herself.

She researched “State-Side Texas” and got back thousands of links. Looking nervously through the forums, she discovered that everyone was asking the same questions.

Who's Johnny's mystery woman? And When was Johnny ever seeing this woman?

A lot speculated that it was actually Grace he was talking about, then others would reply that Johnny and Grace broke up and even though she carries his kid, he doesn't actually like her.
A lot of people, more than Taylor felt comfortable with, ridiculed her, questioning how she could hurt him like that, or how she could ever want nothing to do with him. She got called a bitch more times than she could count and the forum went on forever. Taylor realised something as she read through all the comments. These kids were fiercely protective of Johnny. He was in good hands. His fans cared about his well-being and would always jump to his defence.
She had always considered herself to be Johnny's protector, but she had hurt him more then she had protected him.

He had his fans, and they would never desert him like she had. These girls who were, no doubt, only 16 years old, had every right to call her a bitch. It was true. She wouldn't deny that. They had every right to feel protective of him. Johnny was obviously hurting from this new found threat that had entered the State-Side bubble, and she clearly wasn't welcome.

Taylor shut down the lap top, feeling worse than she already was. She knew she had to stop with this obsession, that it would destroy her life, but she couldn't. Johnny was a drug and she was well and truly hooked.